Chapter 20 #2
She looked different in the club lighting tonight. More dangerous and more exposed somehow. But her face—God, her gorgeous face—wasn’t playful or seductive like it had been moments ago. No, Amelia looked devastated.
“Hi.” Amelia stopped a few feet away. “I didn’t know you’d be here, nor did I come here expecting to bump into you, but…I wanted to clear the air so you can at least enjoy yourself here tonight.”
Jo gazed back at Amelia, wondering if every time she looked at this woman, her heart would always break a little bit more. “Thanks for clearing that up.”
Amelia’s shoulders slumped. “Right, well, take care.”
Jo cast her gaze to the floor this time, catching Amelia’s thigh as she did so. God, did she have to sit around here looking like that? This was painful.
“You look great, by the way.”
Jo scoffed and shook her head. “Please, don’t. You’re sitting over there with another woman, so please, just don’t. Don’t do to her what you’ve done to me. It fucking hurts.”
“I’m sorry.” Amelia’s voice betrayed her. “I just… Me and Evie, we were just—”
“Evie?” Jo frowned. “Your best friend, Evie?”
“Yes. The woman I’m with. It’s Evie. Not…anyone else.” Amelia winced. “She brought me here to take my mind off everything.”
Jo’s mouth ran dry. “Right.”
“I can leave,” Amelia offered suddenly. “If you want me to. I don’t want to make things worse for you.”
Jo didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want Amelia to leave, not really, but she also didn’t want to stand here feeling like her chest was being ripped open, trying not to remember what Amelia’s mouth felt like against her neck.
“Jo…” Amelia’s voice broke again. “Please just say something.”
Jo lifted her eyes to Amelia’s, but it hurt. It physically hurt to look at her. “I don’t think I can.”
And then the woman from before reappeared at Jo’s side with two drinks in hand. She glanced between them and cleared her throat. “Everything alright here?”
Jo tensed and closed her eyes.
“Is there a reason why you think it wouldn’t be?” When Jo opened her eyes again, Amelia’s stance changed entirely. Defensive…protective. “This is a private conversation that I don’t believe you were invited into.” She swallowed and turned her attention back to Jo. “Enjoy your evening. Goodbye, Jo.”
Amelia turned and walked away, and Jo didn’t stop her.
She wanted to, in some fucked up way at least, but what would it achieve?
The thought of sitting down and talking to Amelia filled her with dread.
The anger hadn’t really subsided either.
Not enough for them to have a sensible conversation.
So, she watched the woman of her dreams return to the table Evie sat at, shaking her head as she hid herself halfway in the booth.
Whatever you do, don’t hurt her for the sake of it. That’s not who you are.
Jo stared down at the drink in her hand like it was going to give her answers.
It didn’t, but what it did do was give her the courage to sit in the same room as Amelia.
It was the drink she would usually choose, the same brand of whiskey she usually drank in here, but tonight it tasted like nothing at all.
It was just there, quenching her thirst and contributing to the hangover she would have in the morning.
Chloe, the woman she’d met as she’d walked in here, hadn’t stopped talking since they’d sat down.
Something about her day job and something about travel.
Jo tried to nod at the right times, she tried to smile when it was expected of her, but her eyes kept drifting to where Amelia sat.
That gown. Those silky, smooth shoulders.
The guilt and pain on her face when Jo hadn’t known how to hold a conversation with her.
She took a sip of her drink. A big one.
“Do you come here often?” Chloe asked with a teasing nudge. “I don’t think I’ve seen you in here before.”
Jo almost laughed out loud. She used to come here for Lia, but now she knew Lia had been Amelia all along, and she had to wonder if this would be her last time at Satin. While it had initially brought her a sense of freedom, it just left her feeling bitterly disappointed now.
Jo should have seen it. She should have known Lia was Amelia.
The softness, the scent, the things Lia had said in the dark.
The way she’d touched Jo like she knew her.
She should have known Amelia’s voice and her presence.
God, Ada had even put the idea in her head weeks ago, but Jo had brushed it off, certain Amelia wouldn’t do that to her.
“Not really.” Jo brought her glass to her lips again.
“Oh.” The woman looked slightly taken aback by Jo’s lack of enthusiasm, but somehow masked it with a flirtatious smile. “Well, maybe you’ll come more often now.”
Jo nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She hated this. The pretending, the drinking to forget, the half-hearted deflections when all she wanted was to scream at the top of her lungs…
Why did you lie to me? Why did you have to be her?
Jo finished the last of her drink in a few swallows and set the empty glass down on the table beside her. Her fingers trembled, her cheeks were probably flushed, and her mind was beginning to spiral all over again.
“Another?” Chloe asked, tilting her head in the direction of the bar.
Jo nodded, now chasing her escape via alcohol.
As Chloe left for the bar, Jo exhaled sharply and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and rubbing a hand down her face. This wasn’t her. This wasn’t who she was. But grief made you do strange things, didn’t it?
And what else could this be other than grief? It was certainly what it felt like. The aching pit in her stomach, the nausea rising in her throat, the pain in her chest where happiness and fond memories used to reside when she thought about Amelia.
They’d shared something real; she’d felt it. In every glance, every text, and every accidental brush of a hand. And in that dark room…God, she’d given herself over so freely and so fully.
But now, she didn’t know who she was hurting over. Amelia, Lia, or both.
She slumped back on the couch, allowing the music to course through her body. It was nothing more than a thrum beneath her skin that kept her tethered to the moment. A rhythm to drown out her own thoughts.
Chloe returned with another drink and placed it in Jo’s hand. “To new beginnings,” she said, raising her glass. “And drinking whiskey with a gorgeous woman.”
Jo clinked it half-heartedly and sipped. She didn’t feel better, only numb, but maybe that was exactly what she wanted and needed tonight.
Jo sipped again, the drink burning a little more than the last one, and the one before that.
She welcomed the sting, and she welcomed the blur it was beginning to offer.
Chloe was talking about a recent holiday now, something about cocktails on the beach and falling asleep in the sun.
Jo smiled, or at least she tried to, but her head was elsewhere.
Amelia. The gown, the lace, that look in her eyes when she’d caught sight of Jo.
You should have just left!
The drink was starting to hit her hard and fast, loosening the tension in her shoulders while simultaneously making her heart feel heavier than ever. The way it always did when she was on the edge of a mistake.
From the corner of her eye, familiarity caught her attention.
Ada. Thank fuck.
She was working the room the way she usually did, laughing with someone near the bar, while waving at someone else across the room.
But Jo noted the exact moment Ada had clocked her.
The moment her laughter faded, her brow furrowed, and her eyes landed on the nearly empty glass in Jo’s hand.
Ada remembered this version of her from last time.
She’d seen it once before in a shitty flat with the curtains drawn at midday while Callum’s lies unravelled in real time.
She’d been the one to drag Jo into the shower and hold her hair back when the whiskey came up.
To tell her, over and over, “You’re not crazy. He’s just not who you thought he was.”
Jo tried to straighten up, but her limbs weren’t responding the way they should. She smiled at Chloe, vague and unfocused, and tried to act like everything was fine. But it wasn’t, and Ada was already crossing the room.
“Jo,” she said softly, crouching down beside her so she didn’t make a scene. “Hey.”
Jo stared back at her. “Hi.”
Ada looked at Jo’s drink, then at Jo, then at Chloe. “Could you give us a minute?” she asked politely. “Just need to have a quick chat.”
“Um, sure. Yeah.”
Jo didn’t watch Chloe walk away. She just kept staring at her glass.
“Talk to me,” Ada said, still crouching beside her, a hand now resting on Jo’s knee. “Please.”
“I’m fine.”
“Mm, that’s bullshit.”
Jo laughed. “Okay, maybe I’m…a little drunk.”
“You’re sure about that?” Ada raised an eyebrow. “A little?”
“Seriously.” Jo looked away. “It’s just a drink, Ada.”
“It’s not just a drink. Not with you…not like this.”
Jo bristled. “Oh, don’t start.”
She knew Ada was only looking out for her, but she didn’t need this tonight. Why couldn’t she just drown her sorrows and complain about how dreadful she felt tomorrow morning? Everyone else seemed to be able to do that, but not Jo. Never Jo.
“Then don’t lie to me.”
“I saw her,” Jo said, her voice breaking. “She was with another woman. Well, what I thought was another woman.”
“I know. I saw.”
“She looks…” Jo exhaled. “She looks gorgeous.”
“And that hurts. Of course it does.” Ada squeezed Jo’s knee and sighed. “But drinking until you can’t feel your face? Flirting with someone you’re not even interested in? That’s not going to make it better.”
“I know,” Jo whispered.
Ada got up and sat beside Jo. “I’ve seen you like this before. When Callum was fucking around and gaslighting the shit out of you. You were heartbroken then, too.”
Jo scoffed. “You think this is worse than Callum?”