Chapter 20 #3
“I think this is different. Because you trusted Amelia and she broke something you didn’t even know could still be broken.”
Jo nodded slowly, swallowing down the painful lump in her throat.
“I get it, babe,” Ada continued. “I get why it’s easier to drown it. Why it feels better to flirt and pretend and have someone see you when the one you really want can’t be trusted anymore.”
Jo wiped at her face and puffed out her cheeks. “Don’t do that. Don’t be nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”
“You’re not the one who lied.”
“Maybe not.” Jo looked down at her hands. “But I let her get close. I let Lia get close. All this time, I thought they were different people, and I fell for both of them, Ada. What does that say about me?”
Ada wrapped an arm around Jo’s shoulder and pulled her in. “It says that you were ready to love again, even when you swore you never would.”
Jo closed her eyes. “And now I can’t even look at her.”
“You don’t have to, not tonight.” Ada bumped Jo’s knee with her own and smiled. “You’re coming with me. We’re having a girl’s night, and everyone else can fuck off.”
Jo shook her head. “No, I won’t be any fun. You go and do your thing, and I’ll probably head home.”
“You’re coming with me, and that’s the end of it. We’re going to sit down, and we’re going to have some water. Then you’re going to stop trying to erase her from your bloodstream with whiskey and flirty strangers.”
Jo groaned as she lowered her head to her hands. “I feel bad for Chloe.”
“I’m sure she’ll live.”
Jo smiled as she locked eyes with Ada. “I hate you.”
“No, you don’t.”
Jo sighed when Ada pulled her to her feet and guided her away from the main area of the club.
Away from the space where Amelia had once stood with a soft smile and a drink in her hand.
Maybe one day this would be funny, or poetic, or just another chapter in the disaster that was Jo’s dating life. But tonight, it just fucking hurt.
Amelia gripped the edge of the sink with both hands, her knuckles white and her breathing ragged.
She stared at her reflection in the gold-rimmed mirror, barely recognising the woman who looked back at her.
She had mascara smudged beneath her eyes, her lipstick had faded, and the subtle shimmer of her highlighter was drowned out by the flush in her cheeks and the tears threatening to spill out again.
This wasn’t who she was. Not at Satin. She was meant to be in control here. Poised, elegant, and elusive. She was meant to be the woman everyone wondered about. The one who didn’t break…the one who didn’t fall apart.
But Jo had always had the power to reduce her to rubble. Even now. Especially now.
She turned on the tap and let cold water rush over her wrists, trying to ground herself and stop the tremble in her fingers.
Her chest ached with a grief that felt too big to carry, and she hated herself for falling apart in a public space.
But she hated herself more for still hoping Jo would come back into her life.
The door creaked open, and Amelia flinched. She expected nothing more than a stranger who was reaching for their lipstick or checking the straps on their heels, but it wasn’t a stranger. It…was Jo.
Her eyes were hazy, her hair a little lifeless, and her face was flushed with alcohol and pain.
Amelia froze.
Jo frowned as though she hadn’t expected anyone to be inside. She was halfway through the door, her expression momentarily blank, until recognition hit and her whole body went still.
Amelia’s lips parted, but the words wouldn’t come. The last time they’d spoken, just an hour or so ago, she’d barely got anything out of Jo. She wasn’t sure she could face that rejection again. It was too much for her heart to handle.
Jo’s jaw tensed when she registered the mess Amelia was in. The tears, the shaking hands, the complete and utter unravelling.
Jo reached for the wall, steadying herself. “Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was in here.” Her voice was hoarse. The kind of hoarse that came from swallowed sobs and too much whisky. “I’ll just be a sec.”
“You’re fine.” Amelia quickly wiped her cheeks and stepped back to give Jo space. “It’s a public bathroom. No need to apologise.”
Jo hovered awkwardly just inside the door, still unable to look Amelia in the eye. “I was just gonna—” She gestured to the sink beside her and laughed. “I don’t know why I came in, actually.”
Amelia watched her, her heart aching to reach out and help Jo. “Are you okay?”
“No, obviously not.” Jo exhaled through her nose, a little wobbly on her feet. “You don’t need to babysit me or pretend that you give a fuck about me.”
The silence that followed was deafening, heavy with everything they couldn’t say. Everything they used to say with their hands and mouths in the dark was now crumbling under the weight of the truth.
Amelia considered leaving, but she couldn’t. “You’ve been drinking.”
“No shit.” Jo tilted her head with a sarcastic smile. “But thanks for reminding me.”
Amelia took a cautious step forward. “I’m not trying to patronise you. I just…” Her voice wavered. “I know what this is. I know this kind of drunk.”
“Do you?”
Amelia nodded. “I used to drink like this a lot. When I didn’t want to feel anything…when I wanted to forget I ever loved someone.”
Jo flinched at the word loved.
Amelia swallowed. “You don’t have to pretend with me.”
“You’re not serious?” Jo scoffed. “That’s rich coming from you.”
Amelia winced. “I deserved that.”
Jo finally looked at her, her expression a storm of conflict and exhaustion. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”
Amelia did. She knew because she’d been doing the same thing.
Chasing ghosts in dim lighting and hoping that alcohol and distraction may just offer some kind of relief.
But it never did, not when you were in love.
Not when the woman who’d shattered you was standing two feet away, looking just as broken.
Jo cast her gaze between them. “You were crying.”
“Yeah. Seems to be all I do lately.”
“Because of me?”
“Because of us. Because of the mistakes I’ve made.”
Jo leaned back against the wall, her arms folded across her chest. “There is no us.”
“I know, and that’s my fault.” Amelia blinked back tears when Jo’s bottom lip quivered.
“If I hadn’t done what I did, if I’d just been honest and open from the beginning, I don’t know.
Maybe it could have all meant something more.
Maybe you wouldn’t be standing here, disappointed to see me in your space. ”
The pain in Jo’s voice took Amelia’s breath away as she said, “I didn’t think it would hurt so much.”
Amelia reached for the edge of the sink again, holding herself up. “Jo, I’m so sorry.” Jo looked away, her jaw clenched. Amelia wanted to reach out, to press her hand to Jo’s cheek and kiss away the hurt, but she didn’t deserve that right anymore. So instead, she asked, “Do you want me to go?”
Jo just stood there, her head bowed as her fingers picked at the edge of her sleeve. It was clear she was trying to hold herself together, and it only made Amelia feel ten times worse.
“No,” Jo said, her voice trembling. “But I think you should.”
“Okay.” She didn’t ask for forgiveness, and she didn’t beg for more time.
Amelia simply walked past Jo with her heart in her throat, brushing her shoulder as she went.
The contact was brief, but it was enough to ground her.
It was enough to remind her what it felt like to be near the woman she loved.
She would leave Jo in the bathroom, but not because she wanted to.
She would leave because she knew that if she didn’t, she’d break all over again. “Bye, Jo.”