Chapter Thirteen
“So, are you gonna tell me who’s responsible for that, or are you gonna make me drag it out of you?” River flops down on the back steps next to me, nudging his shoulder against mine.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I tuck my phone away so he doesn’t see the messages from Kai littering the screen, the very reason for the smile he’s referring to.
“Sure you don’t.” He gives me a pointed stare, his green eyes boring into mine, searching for answers I have no intention of giving. “My guess, it’s the guy from the party.”
My stomach twists, having long since forgotten that River has actually met Kai, though I use the term met very loosely, given that they were never actually introduced or anything.
“You need a haircut,” I tell him instead, gesturing to his light blond locks, which are longer than they’ve ever been before. He’s had the same style for as long as I can remember—shaved sides, a little longer on top—and while the sides are still shaved, the top is long enough now that it brushes the tops of his ears.
“I don’t know. I think I like it.” He bumps his shoulder into mine a second time.
“You look like your mama can’t afford a haircut,” I tease.
“My mama hasn’t paid for one of my haircuts since I left for college.” He needlessly points out. “Now stop changing the subject and tell me what it is you’re so clearly hiding.”
“I’m not hiding anything.”
“You forget, sister, I know you well enough to know when you’re hiding something. And since when do we keep secrets from each other?”
Guilt slides through my chest.
“I could ask you the same question,” I fire back. “Considering I had to find out from our older brother that you’re talking to someone new.”
Not gonna lie, I was a bit surprised that River hadn’t told me himself. I can’t remember a time that he’s ever not told me the second someone new has entered his life. But instead, I had to find out from Dalton, who River usually never tells anything.
Then again, I have not whispered a word about Kai during our weekly calls, so really, I have no right to be hurt by his secrecy, and yet somehow, I still am.
“Our older brother needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut,” he grumbles, turning his gaze out toward the backyard, which is only visible because of the full moon shining brightly above us.
“So it’s true.”
“Not exactly.”
“Are you talking to someone new or are you not?”
“We’re just friends.”
“But you want to be more?”
“I mean, I like her.”
“So what’s the holdup?”
“It’s complicated...”
“Most relationships are.” I snort, Kai once again coming to the forefront of my mind. Not that we’re in a relationship or anything, but damn does it sure feel like we are most days. “Does she like you that way?”
“She’s made that much pretty clear.”
“So you’re the one who’s not sure?”
“Like I said, it’s...”
“Complicated,” I finish for him. “Yeah, I got that. So are you going to tell me who she is?”
“Not yet.” He gives me an apologetic glance. “But if it becomes more than friends, you have my word that I’ll tell you everything. For now, I just want to keep it between her and me. At least until I figure out how I feel. Dalton only knows because he read a text message that popped up on my screen. If I was going to tell any sibling, it would be you.” He makes me feel better by saying that.
I get where he’s coming from. It’s the very reason I haven’t told him about Kai. The moment I admit to River, to anyone, that I’ve fallen for him, is the moment I give my feelings power. And while yes, I have admitted some things to Charlotte and Maisie, neither of them knows just how bad it’s gotten. Just how far I’ve truly fallen.
I can’t be mad at him for keeping secrets when I’m doing the exact same thing. Sometimes we need to keep certain things inside, to reserve them just for ourselves.
“You better.” It’s my turn to nudge him.
“So, how does it feel to be back home?”
“Strange,” I admit. “Is it just me or are Mom and Dad acting more clingy than usual?”
“I think they just really missed you. You are the baby, after all.”
“Did you know they’re going to Italy next summer? Our parents... Italy. Dad has never even been on a plane.”
“I know, right?” River barks out a laugh. “But you know Mom has always wanted to go, and Dad, well, there’s nothing that man won’t do for her. I used to think it was pathetic. Now I see that it’s just how he shows his love.”
“I always thought it was sweet.”
“You’re also a girl.”
“So?”
“So, you’re wired to think everything is sweet.”
“Screw you, I am not.” I give him a playful smack to the arm.
“Yeah, okay.” He chuckles. “Need I remind you...” His words trail off at the obvious sound of a car pulling into the driveway, the tires crunching beneath the gravel Dad laid to cover up the cracks in the concrete. “Sounds like Avery is finally here with the girls.” He pushes to a stand and I do the same.
“Finally. I’ve been dying for little niece squeezes.” I smile as I make my way down the two remaining steps to the stone walkway that leads from the backyard to the detached driveway.
“Guess I can let the parentals know we can finally eat,” River says seconds before I hear the back door open and then close as he heads back inside.
Rounding the corner, I’m so excited to see the girls that I barely register the car sitting in the driveway isn’t Avery’s, until the driver climbs from the car.
My footsteps come to an abrupt stop as my heart jumps into my throat, cutting off my ability to breathe.
Leo ...
Before I can even think to slink back behind the house in order to avoid being seen, his eyes flick to mine, pinning me to the spot. I blink once, twice, three times before realizing why he was able to spot me so easily. I’m standing directly in the path of the floodlights attached to the garage. Might as well have a flashing sign pointing at me that reads here I am .
He closes the driver’s door of his car, not taking his eyes off me as he makes his way toward me. I try to force my feet to move, but it’s like I’m standing in cement that has already hardened around my ankles, making it impossible for me to walk away.
The closer he gets, the tighter the knot in my stomach becomes, and by the time he reaches me, it’s wound so tight it feels like it might rip me in two.
“What are you doing here?” I grind out, surprising myself when I don’t stutter on a single word.
“Hello to you, too.” He smiles, and suddenly, I’m transported to another time and place when that smile would have made me feel uneasy on my feet. When that smile would have made my heart do flips in my chest. When it would have caused a flurry of butterflies in my belly. Now, all I feel is numb.
“What are you doing here?” I ask a second time, my hands balling into fists at my sides like if he takes another step, I might actually take a swing. Not that I’ve ever hit someone before, but with Leo, I’m seriously considering how good it would feel to bust open that pretty little nose of his.
“Your mom mentioned to my mom that you were coming into town for Thanksgiving,” he says as if that’s any real explanation for why he thought showing up here was a good idea.
“And you took that as an invitation?” I sneer. “Just because my mom is still friends with yours doesn’t mean that you’re welcome here.”
“You blocked my number,” he states flatly.
“I’m aware.”
“You hung up on me last time I managed to get through to you.”
“Again, aware.”
“How else was I supposed to talk to you?”
“You weren’t.” I cross my arms in front of myself because punching him is starting to look more appealing by the second and I’m really trying not to resort to violence today.
“Look.” He starts to take a step toward me but then thinks better of it. Smart move. “I know I messed up,” he starts.
“Messed up?” I choke on a laugh that bubbles from my throat. “You were fucking my best friend behind my back, you sick son of a bitch!”
He draws back, surprised by my language, and he’s not the only one. I’m a little surprised myself.
“I don’t know how to make this more clear to you. I hate you. I hate you, and I never, ever want to see you again.”
“You don’t mean that.” He swipes a hand through his ash-blond hair, hair I’ve run my fingers through more times than I’d ever be able to count.
“Oh, I do. I mean, honestly, Leo, what did you expect? That you could just have both of us?”
“I don’t want her!” He explodes. “I want you.”
“Funny thing... You had me and then you threw me away.”
“I didn’t throw you away. I made a mistake.”
“You and Summer were having sex behind my back for months. That’s more than just a mistake. That’s a choice. A choice you both made. The choice to not give a shit about me.”
“I love you.” This time he actually does reach for me, but I uncross my arms and quickly bat his hand away.
“Don’t you dare touch me,” I warn, my heart jackhammering against my ribs as adrenaline slices through my veins, making me feel like I’ve just grabbed a live electrical wire and am contemplating shoving it through his eye socket.
“Why are you being like this?”
“The fact that you’re even asking me that question tells me that you haven’t changed one bit. You’re still a lying, selfish piece of shit.”
“You’re only saying that because you’re still hurt.”
“Damn right I’m hurt!”
“But we can get past this.”
“No, we can’t.” I shake my head. “You treated me like I meant nothing. Like my feelings meant nothing. You’re right, we share a lot of history, but that didn’t keep you from blowing up my entire life.”
“Don’t be so melodramatic. I did not blow up your life.”
My anger pulses violently.
“I was never enough for you.” I seethe. “And I never would have been. But you know what I realize now that I didn’t back then? That if I’m not enough for you, then you are most certainly not enough for me. You never deserved me, and truth be told, I’m glad to have caught you that night. Because it finally showed me your true colors, and they are disgusting.”
Anger spreads across his face, a face I once thought was so handsome. Now, all I see is how ugly he truly is. How vile and repulsive. How I ever loved this man, I’ll never know. I’ll never understand how I looked into those eyes and saw my future. How I lay in his arms and found comfort.
“You’re just saying this because you’re still in love with me. What I did hurt you so badly that you had to move states away just to escape me. That’s how much you loved me, Lyric. That’s how much you still love me.”
“Do you hear yourself? Could you be any more delusional? Not only do I not love you, but I actively despise you. You think I’m in Virginia crying over you when in reality, I’m having my brains fucked out by the sexiest man in existence who makes your pencil dick look more like a Tic Tac.”
He draws back like I’ve physically struck him and I smile.
“Who are you?”
“My name is Lyric Sierra Parker. Take a long, good look because this is the last time you’ll ever lay eyes on me. The man I was telling you about, the one who makes me feel sooooo good, well, he’s very possessive. All it would take is one slip of this little interaction and that pretty little face of yours that you value so much... Yeah, it wouldn’t be so pretty anymore.”
“Is that a threat?”
“It’s a promise. Now get in your car, drive away, and don’t ever come back.”
“You want to throw us away on some fuck boy who’ll never be able to give you what I can, be my guest. I was only trying to make things right with you for my mom anyway.”
A laugh tears from my throat, echoing through the air around us.
“Goodbye, Leo. I hope life treats you as fabulously as you have treated me.” I wave my fingers, turning my hand to flip him the middle finger before spinning around, leaving him standing there wondering what the hell just happened.
Truth be told, I’m kind of wondering that myself.
It isn’t until I reach the back porch that the adrenaline starts to wear off and reality sinks in. My hands tremble almost as violently as my insides, angry tears pricking the backs of my eyes. I’m not sure if I want to laugh, cry, vomit, or all three. Honestly, I feel on the verge of the latter.
“Lyric?”
I hear River before I see him, looking up just as he steps down from the porch toward me.
“Please tell me you didn’t just hear all that.” I grimace, the churning in my stomach growing stronger by the second.
“I didn’t hear all of it.” He stops in front of me. “Just the last bit when I realized it wasn’t Avery and the girls. I was fully prepared to come to your rescue but turns out you didn’t need to be rescued after all. How do you feel?”
“Like I’m going to throw up.” I give him a watery smile.
“I’m going to forget the part about you and a guy doing things I’m going to need to burn from my memory and focus instead on how fucking proud I am of you for finally standing up to that dipshit.”
“I just said that to hurt him.” The lie slips out so easily I almost think he believes it for a second.
“No, you didn’t.” He rests his hands on my shoulders. “And that’s okay. I don’t need any details. In fact, I don’t want any details. I just want to know that you’re all right.”
“I am.” I nod. “I’m better than all right. I’m amazing.”
“Then that’s good enough for me.” He smiles, pulling me into a hug.
“I’m sorry about Leo.” My mom slides up next to me in front of the sink where I’m currently washing dishes. “I never dreamed that Diane would tell him you’d be here.”
“River told you?” I guess.
“He didn’t have to. I saw you two outside.”
“Did you hear us?” I hold my breath, praying she says no.
“I didn’t, but I could tell it wasn’t a pleasant conversation.”
“You can say that again.” I glance over at my mom and it’s almost like looking in a mirror thirty years in the future. I look so much like her, something I denied adamantly when I was younger. Now I’m starting to realize how lucky I am to be a spitting image of the amazing woman next to me.
“Are you okay?”
“Surprisingly, I am.” I rinse a dish, then hand it to her to dry, which she does without question. This is kind of our thing. A lot of problems have been solved in front of this very sink, and I’m starting to think I might have another that I need her help with. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.” She takes the glass I hand her, drying it before setting it on the counter.
“It’s about a guy.”
“Naturally.” She smiles. “Though I will say I was wondering when you were going to tell me about him.”
“You knew?”
“That my daughter was in love... Of course I did. A mother knows these things.” She gently knocks her hip against mine.
“But I never said anything.”
“You didn’t have to. I know how badly Leo hurt you, and I know how hard you tried to hide it after you left for college. But I could hear it in your voice every time we spoke. But then suddenly, you weren’t hiding anymore. The smile you faked for months became real. Your laugh genuine. And I may be past the days when a man has the ability to make me giddy, but I still recognize what it felt like and the impact it can have on someone.”
“You could tell all that just by talking to me on the phone?” I arch a brow in her direction.
“Of course I could. I’m your mother,” she says simply. “Now, what did you want to ask me?”
“I guess it’s not so much a question as it is that I need your advice.” I blow out a slow breath. “This guy, he’s... Well, he’s not really the relationship type. He made it pretty clear early on that we would never be anything serious but...”
“You’ve fallen in love with him.” She finishes, abandoning the dish she’s drying to turn toward me.
I meet her understanding gaze.
“He’s... I don’t know how to describe it. He tries to portray this image of someone who doesn’t care about others. When I first met him, I had him pegged as this guy whose only interest in women was what he could get from them in the bedroom. But with me, he’s kind and protective, and he treats me like I’m... special . But the way he is with me is a complete contradiction to who I know him to be. And after Leo, I just worry that maybe I’m seeing what I want to see.”
“What do you mean?”
“I always knew something was off with Leo, like deep down I could tell he wasn’t the guy he tried so hard to portray, but I was so desperate for him to be that person that I turned a blind eye to everything that told me he wasn’t.”
“So now you’re afraid you’re doing the same thing with this guy?”
“Kai.” His name touches my lips. “And yes, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. On one hand, I’m certain he feels something too. On the other, I worry that maybe I only feel that way because I so desperately want it to be true.”
“Have you tried telling him how you feel?”
I shake my head. “I’m scared that if I do, he’ll end it.”
“I understand your fear. Love can be a really scary thing sometimes. But isn’t it better to know the truth?”
“I’m not sure it is,” I admit.
Kai Elliot has changed me in ways I couldn’t even imagine a couple of months ago. My interaction tonight with Leo is proof of just how true that is. I never would have had the courage to stand up to him, to stand up for myself, had Kai not shown me that I could. That I could stand on my own two feet. And that’s only a fraction of the world he’s opened up for me. He stepped into the bubble that had been secured around me my entire life and popped it like it was made of nothing more than soap.
Before him, I didn’t know desire, or passion, or what it felt like to crave another person so fiercely that you would scale the side of an active volcano just to be close to them.
“Hiding from the truth doesn’t make it any less real.” She reaches out, pushing a strand of hair away from my face in that motherly way she’s always done.
I think about Kai and how he’ll never experience this kind of unconditional love, the kind only a mother can give, and it makes my heart ache in response. He has every reason to be jaded and resentful for the things he’s had to endure, and yet, he’s none of those things.
“I’ve never felt like this before,” I quietly admit. “Not with Leo. Not with anyone. The way he makes me feel... It’s like stars exploding in my chest.”
“Then don’t you think you owe it to yourself to make sure those feelings are reciprocated?”
“I guess.” Fear claws at my insides.
“If he’s any kind of man at all, there’s no way he doesn’t love you back. Who wouldn’t? You’re the most beautiful, kind, amazing young woman that God has ever blessed the earth with.” She smiles, her love for me etched into every pore on her aging face.
“You only say that because you’re my mom,” I grumble.
“No, I say it because it’s true. You deserve someone who’s going to love you as deeply as you love them. Maybe Kai is the one who will do that, maybe he isn’t. Either way, make sure he’s worthy of your heart before you so willingly hand it to him.”
A little late for that , I think, but don’t say.
“Tell him how you feel. At least then, you’ll know.”
“You’re right.”
Of course she is. I already knew what I needed to do. I guess I just needed the reassurance to actually do it. Though it is yet to be seen if I’ll actually follow through.
“And you know I’m always here, right? A listening ear. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to celebrate your happiness with. Whatever it is. I’m just a phone call away.”
I realize in this moment just how truly blessed I am to have her.
“Thanks, Mom.” I pull her into a tight hug. “For everything.”
“Always,” she whispers. “Always.”
It takes us longer than it should, but we do eventually finish the dishes, and I spend the remainder of the evening loving on two little girls that I have missed very much.
It isn’t until everyone has left, and I find myself in the silence of my childhood bedroom that I let my mind sift back through everything that happened today. My altercation with Leo. River’s reaction to it. My mother’s reassuring words. Finally admitting to myself that whether Kai feels the same or not, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still in love with him.
When I close my eyes, he’s all I see. The scruff of facial hair along his jaw. The fullness of his lips. The small bump across his nose that somehow makes him even more attractive. And his eyes. Eyes I’m certain I’d never tire of staring into. Eyes that see me in a way no one ever has before.
I think about his touch, his kiss, the way a single graze of his fingertips can drive me wild. And then I think about never feeling any of those things again. Never counting the tiny specks of green that pepper his blue eyes again. Never feeling the intoxication of his kiss or the fire of his touch.
The thought leaves me with a hollow feeling that haunts me well into my dreams. Because even in sleep, I can’t escape the hold this man has on me. I know it’s only been a couple of months, but he’s already burrowed so deep, I know with complete certainty that no matter what the future holds for us, I’ll carry the memory of him for the rest of my life.