Chapter Fifteen
“You’re awfully quiet today, Converse,” Kai tells me from across the table, picking off a corner of his sandwich before popping it into his mouth.
“I am?” I tilt my head ever so slightly. “I guess I just have a lot on my mind, is all.” I blow out a soft breath, unable to shake the uneasy feeling I’ve carried with me since my interaction with Claire last weekend.
Maisie and Char helped alleviate some of my doubt, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone completely, as much as I wish it were. Because even with everything they said, and everything I know to be true, there’s still that little voice in the back of my head that says Claire wasn’t wrong. That I really am just another stupid girl, and that one day, probably soon, I’m going to realize just how right she was.
Now, every time I look at Kai, all I can think about is all the things he told me from the very beginning that he couldn’t give me. The things I want that I know I’m never going to have. The knowledge that I’m in love with a man who’ll likely never love me back. And little by little, it’s chipping away at me.
“You worried about finals?” He guesses—incorrectly, might I add—though maybe I should be worried about them. Unfortunately, I just can’t bring myself to care that much right now.
“Not really.”
“Then what is it?” He abandons his sandwich, pushing his tray to the side. “You’ve barely said ten words to me since I sat down.” He gestures around the cafeteria, which is oddly empty given the time of day. “And you were uncharacteristically quiet last night. And let’s not forget about the fact that you snuck out of my room after I fell asleep after you told me you would stay.”
“I was having trouble sleeping.” Not a complete lie. “Thought maybe I’d have better luck in my own bed.”
“And did you?” He arches a brow.
“No,” I grumble softly.
“Something’s up with you.” It’s not a question. “You’ve been acting weird since you got back from visiting your family. Did something else happen that you’re not telling me about?”
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he actually looks worried.
“No. I told you everything.”
“Then something happened after that? Is that it?”
“Kai.” I shake my head.
“Just tell me what it is.”
“I spoke with Claire.” I deflate my chest in a quick puff of air.
“Okay... Well, clearly whatever she said has upset you, so why don’t you tell me what she said so I can set the record straight.”
“You assume she lied to me.” It’s not a question.
“With Claire, that’s usually the safest assumption.”
“If that’s true, if she’s such an awful person that she goes around spreading lies, why were you sleeping with her?”
“Do you want me to answer that question honestly?”
Shit. Do I?
“So, then she was lying when she told me you slept with several other women from my building?”
“This is my fourth year on campus. I’ve slept with a lot of women from a lot of different buildings.”
The casual way he says it feels like a sucker punch straight to my stomach, emptying all the air in my lungs in an instant.
“And are they all like this?” I gesture between the two of us.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, are they one-time flings or do they last a while?”
“Depends on the person and the situation. Why are you acting like this is some big secret? I’ve never lied to you about my past.”
“I guess I just didn’t realize that this was kind of your thing.”
“What is my thing?” He has this bizarre look on his face, like maybe he thinks I’ve gone off the deep end or something.
“Using women until you’re done with them and then moving on to the next.” Which is a lie because I absolutely knew it was his thing. I didn’t need Claire to tell me that. “I just... I guess I’m just wondering how much longer you’re going to keep me around before I’m just another part of the past you’re so unapologetic about.”
He straightens, his expression turning hard.
“I’m unapologetic about it because every relationship I’ve been in has been mutually beneficial. We both get what we need until we don’t need it anymore. I don’t use anyone. And I sure as fuck have not used you if that’s what you’re trying to imply.”
“I’m not trying to imply anything. I’m simply asking a question,” I fire back.
“Which is what exactly?”
“This.” I gesture between us. “How much longer is this going to go on before you tire of me?”
“Tire of you?” His forehead furrows. “Have I given you reason to believe that I have?”
Not that he won’t ever, but has he given me reason to believe that he has yet ? I don’t miss the purposeful way he leaves off that one word... Yet .
“No, but we both know you will eventually.”
I let fear and uncertainty take the reins, and while every pore in my body is screaming for me to stop, to not create issues where there are none, I can’t put the cap back on, not when the contents are spewing from the bottle at an alarming rate.
“Do we know that?” The flash of hurt I see in his eyes gives me pause.
“Don’t we?” My words soften.
“Why are you really bringing this up now?” He circles back around.
“I told you. Claire—”
“That’s bullshit and we both know it. Lying is not one of your strong suits, Lyric. So why don’t you do me a favor and just give it to me straight. What are you not telling me?” He leans forward, elbows pressed to the table.
“Nothing.”
“Lie.” He throws the word at me like a slap that stings my cheeks, drawing heat to the surface.
“You said you couldn’t... From the very beginning,” I start.
“I said I couldn’t what?”
“Give me what I wanted.”
“And what is it that you want, Converse?”
“You.” The word is like a whisper into the wind, getting lost somewhere on the way out of my lips, and yet somehow, he still catches it.
“You have me.” The vulnerability in which he says those words steals my breath.
Maybe I really have gotten this all wrong.
Maybe I let the jealousy and anger of someone I barely know dictate my actions... And my feelings.
Maybe I’m giving her exactly what she wants.
“Do I?” I finally ask, a shake to my voice.
“I’m right here, aren’t I?”
“But do I really have you?”
“I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking me. Just say what you mean.”
“I don’t think you want me to say what I mean. Because I think as soon as I do, you’re going to wish I hadn’t.”
“How about you stop presuming you know how I’ll react to something you haven’t even said yet.”
“I’m in love with you!” I blurt with so much force that the words trail far past our table, but I’m too busy focusing on Kai to look around to see who else might have heard. “Is that what you want to hear?” I hurry on, afraid if I stop, I might lose my nerve to finish. “I’m in love with you. Even though you warned me you’d hurt me. Even though you told me you couldn’t give me more. I ignored it all and fell for you anyway. So, when I say that I want you , I don’t mean in the capacity that I have you now. I mean that I want all of you.”
“Lyric, I...” He stares back at me, indecision the most prominent emotion on his face, or maybe it’s shock, given that every ounce of color has drained from his face.
My heart kicks against my ribs.
Maybe this was a mistake... A mistake I have to own now because there’s no way I can take back the confession I just made.
“Just say what you mean.” I throw his words back at him.
“I’m not...” He shakes his head. “I can’t...”
I’m not in love with you .
I can’t give you what you want .
I fill in the words he doesn’t say, devastation tearing through me like a serrated knife that hacks at my insides with such violence I physically shudder.
Tears prick the backs of my eyes, but I refuse to let a single one fall. He will not see me break. No man will ever see me break again. I refuse to give anyone that kind of power.
“That’s what I thought.” My chin quivers, threatening to expose me as I push to a stand.
“Lyric...” He looks up at me like he wants to say a million things and yet, not a single one breaks the surface.
“It’s okay,” I tell him, slinging my bag over my shoulder. “You were upfront with me about what this was.”
“But I—”
“Please don’t say something in an attempt to make me feel better. I can promise you it will only make things worse.”
I turn and exit the room so quickly you’d think I was being chased by someone I don’t want to catch me. And in a way, I guess I am.
The cool air whips around my face as I exit the building, but it does little to soothe the feeling of being burned up from the inside out. It’s all-consuming, an inferno I can’t outrun no matter how hard I try.
My feet move on autopilot, carrying me farther across the lawn.
“Lyric, stop!” I hear Kai’s voice just seconds before his hand closes down around my arm from behind, bringing my movements to an abrupt halt.
I pitch forward but am able to quickly bring myself upright again, thanks in part to the grip Kai has on me. A grip he instantly releases when I spin toward him.
“What?” The word is riddled with so much defeat, it’s painful to speak, and even more painful to hear.
“You just... You took me by surprise back there. I’m sorry if I didn’t say the right thing. It’s just—”
“You don’t feel the same way. Yeah, I got that.”
“You don’t understand.”
“What is there to understand? I’m in love with you. You don’t feel the same way. It seems pretty cut and dry to me.”
“I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Any of this.” He gestures around at nothing and yet everything all at the same time. “I just know I don’t want to lose you.”
“Do you love me?” I ask, point blank.
“Lyric, I—”
“You wanted me to be straight with you and I was. The least you can do is give me the same courtesy. Do you love me or don’t you?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Isn’t it?” I let out a humorless laugh.
“Why can’t we just continue on with the way things were?”
“Because I don’t want to. I want more, Kai. I want all of you, not just parts of you. And if you can’t give me that, I think it’s better if we walk away now.”
“I don’t know how.”
“You don’t know how to what?”
“Give you all of me.” He blows out a hard breath, dragging a hand through his hair.
“That sounds eerily like a cop-out to me.”
“It’s not. It’s the truth. Even if I wanted to, I don’t know if I could.”
“What do you know, Kai?” I say bitterly, letting my anger take the lead instead of the agony that’s swelling inside of me like an overinflated balloon.
“That I don’t want this to be over.”
I don’t want this to be over either.
I don’t want last night to be the last time I fall asleep in his arms. I don’t want it to be the last time I revel in the weight of his body on top of mine. That I lose myself in the power of his touch, of his kiss, of the way he says my name when he’s on the peak of climax.
Even the thought has me spiraling so far out of control, I feel like I’m free-falling, flailing through the air, trying desperately to latch onto something to catch myself and coming up empty.
“Neither do I,” I finally admit. “But we don’t always get what we want, now do we?”
“Lyric...” He reaches for me, but I’m quick to step back.
“Please, don’t.” I shake my head. “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”
He opens his mouth but then quickly snaps it closed, like he’s thought better of whatever it is he was about to say.
I take that as my cue and start to turn.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” he blurts.
I stop mid-turn to look at him.
“No.” I give him a sad smile. “But I can’t be with you knowing the way I feel and knowing that you don’t feel the same.”
Emotion he tries to hide swims within the depths of his blue eyes. Eyes that I would have stared into for the rest of my existence if he had let me.
“There’s a reason I told you I’d only hurt you because I knew that eventually I would. That eventually we’d find ourselves standing right here in this very spot.”
“Well, congratulations on being able to accurately predict the future. Someone should give you a medal for that.” I give him a humorless smile.
I let my eyes drink in the sight of him one final time. The curve of his jaw. The bump across the bridge of his nose. The fullness of his lips. The scruff of hair that peppers his handsome face. I commit every inch of it to memory, and then I do something that feels impossible in every way. I turn and walk away from Kai Elliot for a second time today.
The only difference is, this time, he lets me go.