Chapter Sixteen
“What do you mean you ended things?” Maisie stares down at me in disbelief.
“He doesn’t feel the same way about me that I feel about him.” I sniff, wiping my nose on what feels like the hundredth tissue Charlotte has placed into my hand since she found me sitting on the floor nearly an hour ago.
I’m still in the same spot, tucked beneath the open window in our room, listening to the rain as it falls from the sky, almost as if the heavens are crying right along with me.
“Shocker, I know,” I mutter bitterly.
Like honestly, who didn’t see that coming? I knew from the very beginning what this was and yet I went and did it anyway. I guess the joke is on me.
“She told him she loved him and...” Char shakes her head beside me, filling Maisie in on the gist of what she’s missed. I mean, that basically does sum it all up.
“Please don’t tell me you ended things because he didn’t say it back.” Maisie lowers herself down onto her knees in front of me.
“It wasn’t that he didn’t say it back,” I choke. “It’s the way he reacted. The way he looked at me. It was pretty obvious he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“Shit.” She shakes her head, her brown hair moving across her back as she does.
“You straightened your hair,” I say through fresh tears that fill my eyes. After Leo, I thought I’d cried all the tears there were to cry. Clearly, I was wrong. I’ve never cried more in my life than I have in this past year.
I think fate is playing some really sick joke on me. Like how much can this girl take before she finally cracks. Well, fate, consider me broken. I hope you’re happy .
“I did.” She touches the silky strands, which are usually twirled in big, beautiful curls.
“I like it.” I sniff again.
“Thank you. Though I think we have more important things to discuss than my hair.” She takes my hand that’s not holding a tissue. “Are you okay?”
“Does she look okay?” Char bites.
“I can obviously see that she’s upset,” she tells Charlotte through gritted teeth. “I just meant, is there anything I can do?” She turns her focus back to me.
“Take this away.” I press my nails into my chest as if to signify reaching inside and tearing my traitorous heart right out of my chest cavity. “I can’t believe I did this to myself again.”
“You did not do this to yourself,” Char is quick to object.
“Didn’t I?” I look at her through watery eyes. “Maisie warned me away from him the first night I met him and yet, I didn’t listen. Kai himself told me for weeks that this is what would happen and that didn’t stop me either. I wanted him so badly that I was willing to ignore everything and everyone. I lied to myself. Tried to make myself believe that I was someone capable of a casual fling. Does this look like someone capable of a casual fling?” I gesture at myself. At my face. At the overall state of me.
“When I first met you,” Charlotte starts, “you were the most tightly wound person I’d ever met, no offense.”
“Offended,” I grumble under my breath.
Char hears me but pretends like she doesn’t, not missing a beat.
“I think the reason you went for Kai is because you knew he was dangerous. You needed that in your life. You needed someone who challenged you. Someone to stick a pin in the too-small bubble you lived inside. And you’re so much stronger because of it. Maybe it didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would but look at you. You needed someone like him to disrupt your life so that you could actually start living it.”
I consider her words for a long moment.
In a lot of ways, I know she’s right.
I’m not the same person I was just a few short months ago. I’m more confident. More certain of myself. Hell, just look at my interaction with Leo last week. Over the summer, if he had shown up like that, I would have dissolved into a puddle of tears and shown him just how much he truly hurt me. But instead, I stood up for myself in a way I never have before. Kai did that. Or rather, he gave me the strength to know I could.
On the other hand, haven’t I basically just ended up right back in the same position I was a few months ago? Heartbroken over a man who didn’t deserve me to begin with.
Only that’s not entirely true because I think in a lot of ways, Kai was more than worthy. In his kindness. In the way he cared for me. In the way he made me feel special. Even if it was all fleeting, I never doubted that he deserved to be loved.
Maybe he just doesn’t realize it yet. Or maybe he’s not ready for that kind of love. But one day, I have to believe he will be, and when he is, he’s going to make some lucky woman incredibly happy. The fact that that woman will not be me, well, that’s a whole other issue that I’m going to have to find a way to work through.
“I hate to say I agree with her, but...” Maisie shifts her legs so that they’re crossed in front of her like a pretzel, completing our little circle.
“I know.” I blow out a slow breath. “And I know it was stupid of me to think that maybe we could be more.”
“It wasn’t stupid.” Maisie is quick to disagree. “With the way Kai was acting, hell, even I thought maybe it was going to be more, and I know him.”
“No one faults you for holding out hope.” Char rubs my back soothingly. “Sometimes we can’t help who we fall for. All you can do is hold on tight and hope that when all is said and done, you surface on the other side a better version of yourself, whether that person is standing next to you or not.”
“How are things going with your mystery man?” I ask, desperately needing a distraction, anything to get my mind off the ache that starts in my chest and spreads through my entire body like a virus, slowly eating away at my insides.
“I’d rather not talk about that.” She grimaces.
“Oh no, not you too!” I croak. “What happened?”
“Nothing really. I mean, we’re still talking, but I don’t know. I just feel like the odds are kinda stacked against us.”
“Does this mean we get to know who he is?” Maisie asks.
“You guys don’t know him. He graduated a couple of years ago.”
“An older man.” A touch of a smile graces my lips, but it falls flat way too quickly. “What’s his name?”
“You promise you won’t say anything?”
“Who the heck are we going to say something to?” Maisie snorts with a swift eye roll. “And why would it matter anyway?”
“It’s just... Okay, well, the reason I’ve kind of kept everything on the down-low is because he’s actually the brother of someone we know.”
I try not to show the surprise on my face. Someone we know is a small list, given that I know no one.
“Who?” Maisie nudges Char’s knee when she doesn’t continue right away.
“Claire.” She gives me an apologetic look.
“Wait, you’re talking to Conner Evans?” Maisie’s eyes damn near bug out of her head.
“You know him?” Char pales, though I’m not sure why she’s shocked. Maisie grew up around here and knows everyone. Not to mention she went to high school with Claire.
“I mean, not personally.” Maisie shakes her head. “But I know of him.”
“What do you know?” She’s quick to ask.
“Not much, considering I was in middle school when he was in high school. My brother went to school with him, though he was a year above Jackson. Kai probably remembers him too.” Her gaze swings to me for a brief moment before going back to Char. “I do know he played football, though. And that he’s incredibly attractive.” She gives Char a sly grin. “I get why you didn’t want to tell us.”
“I just... It’s a complicated situation and I didn’t want to make it even more complicated by his sister finding out that we’re kind of talking. As you learned recently, she can be a little vicious that one, and from what I can tell, the two are extremely close. Given that your brother...” She looks at Maisie. “And Kai...” Her gaze swings to me. “Both know him. I guess I was just worried. He doesn’t want his sister to know. He’s been very vocal about that much.”
“You could have told us,” I reassure her. “I would never repeat anything you told me in confidence.”
“Nor would I,” Maisie agrees.
“I know. I’m sorry I’ve been so secretive. It’s just...”
“Complicated.” Maisie finishes for her. “Trust me, I know a thing or two about complicated. Macallan Stewart being prime example number one.”
“Have you two spoken at all?” Charlotte asks, seeming a bit relieved to be able to turn the topic to Maisie.
Poor girl. I feel awful that she felt like she couldn’t tell us about a guy she so very clearly likes. And I feel even worse that I’ve been so caught up in my stuff with Kai that I really didn’t even bother pressing her for the information either.
“Who? Me and Mac?” Maisie shakes her head. “No, I think it’s safe to say that ship has sailed. These days, I’d be more likely to punch him in the mouth than kiss him there. Asshole.” She grumbles the last part under her breath but loud enough for both Char and me to hear.
“We’re really batting a hundred here, ladies,” I tell them, swiping at my cheeks still damp from tears.
“We really are,” Maisie agrees with a smile.
“I think maybe this is our cue to write off men for a while,” Maisie suggests.
“Oh, I’m not going anywhere near another man. Maybe ever.” I snort out a soft laugh.
“You say that now, but you probably said the same thing after Leo.” Char gives my forearm a squeeze. “I know things seem bleak right now, but it’ll all work out the way it was meant to. Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. It’s all up to fate.”
“Oh yeah?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Well, what happens when fate hates you?”
“Fate isn’t capable of hate. It just is.”
“Well, it just is a cruel asshole,” I counter, drawing a snicker from Maisie.
“I still haven’t gotten used to the word ass and hole coming out of your mouth,” she tells me with a smile.
“You hush.” I push her shoulder. She sways slightly with a laugh.
While every pore in my body can feel the absence of Kai, there’s one significant difference between this situation and the one I faced over the summer, and these two girls are it.
When everything fell apart with Leo, I didn’t have anyone to turn to. My best friend was in on the betrayal. Most of our mutual friends sided with him, or with her, and I was left feeling both devastated and utterly and completely alone.
I don’t have to wonder if things would have been different had Charlotte and Maisie come into my life earlier. I know they would have been. Because while I feel the weight of my loss crushing down on me, making it hard to breathe, Char and Maisie are the oxygen tank, pumping air into my lungs, too weak to function on their own. They are my life support, and they’ll be the reason why this doesn’t break me, even when I’m so certain it will.
Last time, I let my heartbreak nearly destroy me. I let the pain of what happened feed off my existing anxiety, which ultimately led to debilitating panic attacks. And while that anxiety is still more prominent than I’d like, I feel like I have a better handle on it now than I did back then.
Char was right about one thing. I’m so much stronger now than I was when I came here. I’m strong enough to get through this. Even when it feels like I’m not, I know I am. And the ironic thing is Kai’s the one who showed me that I was.
Maybe that was his purpose. Maybe Charlotte was right about another thing too—that everything happens for a reason—even when you’re in too much pain to see it. Maybe Kai came into my life when he did because he’s what I needed. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back and be grateful for our time together. But right now...
Right now, all I want is him.
And no matter what lies I try to feed myself, the truth is, that fact isn’t going to change for a very, very long time.
“Did you understand any of that?” Hannah, one of the girls who sits next to me in Math, exits the classroom at my side. “Because I was totally lost.”
“Same.” I slide my bag onto my shoulder. “At this rate, I’ll be lucky if I end up with a D,” I say, knowing my inability to focus on my final has very little to do with the material and everything to do with a certain tattooed man who has consumed my every waking thought for the past twelve days. Twelve incredibly long, agonizing days that went something like this.
Day one: cried the entire day.
Day two: cried the entire day.
Day three: cried almost the entire day.
Day four: cried. Then got mad and cut up the T-shirt of his that I wore home one day.
Day five: regretted cutting up his shirt and cried over the strands.
Day six: finally ate a real meal, though I threw it up that evening.
Day seven: paced my room the entire day, trying to keep myself from going to the library to see if he was there.
Day eight: finally returned to class. Paid no attention and learned nothing.
Day nine: much of the same, though I cried a little less this day.
Day ten: had a dream that I walked out of my room and found Kai with his tongue down Claire’s throat. Skipped class that day.
Day eleven: made it through the entire day without crying but felt sick to my stomach from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed.
Which brings us to day twelve. I got up and went to class at least, though with finals, I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. And I haven’t cried today or thought about throwing myself in front of a moving vehicle even once, so I’m gonna call that a win so far. Then again, the day is only half over.
“I have never been good with numbers,” Hannah rambles as we exit the building a few seconds later. “In high school, I used to use the internet to look up problems instead of trying to figure out how to solve them. That was probably my first mistake. My sister is the complete opposite. She is...”
Her words are suddenly drowned out by the roaring in my ears when I look up and see Kai, of all people, heading in our direction. Sweat instantly forms on my nape, and as he nears I feel borderline at risk of hyperventilation.
He’s so beautiful it hurts. As cliché as that sounds, it’s true.
Hannah continues to talk, having not yet realized that my focus is somewhere else completely.
My heart ramrods against my ribs in the excruciating way it does every time I think about Kai too much. It’s even worse now with him right in front of me.
I take in the long stride of his steps. The way his jacket moves against his shoulders. The way the wind tosses his hair. Hair that I can still feel threaded between my fingers as if they were tangled in it at this very moment.
My chest feels like it might crack open and spill my insides onto the ground for the world to see.
I knew how badly I missed him—so much sometimes I struggle to contain it. But actually laying eyes on him for the first time in twelve days... Yeah, there are no words for the misery I feel without him.
He glances up, his gaze colliding with mine a few feet before we pass each other. There’s a brief moment of recognition that flares behind his eyes, but then he quickly looks away, sliding past me like I’m no more than a stranger.
A strangled noise claws its way up my throat, and I reach out, grabbing onto the first thing I can find to keep myself upright, which just so happens to be Hannah.
“Are you okay?” She stops abruptly, glancing from my face to the hand currently fisting her sweatshirt, back to my face.
“I, uh...” I fight to regulate my breathing. “I’m sorry.” I release her shirt. “I got really lightheaded there for a second.” The lie slides past my lips.
“Do you need me to take you somewhere? Walk you back to your dorm?” She looks oddly concerned, which makes me wonder what she must see staring back at her.
“No. No. I’m good.” I straighten, scrubbing my hands down the front of my sweater. “It happens sometimes.”
“You sure?” She doesn’t seem convinced.
“Yeah, yeah. Probably low blood sugar. I’m gonna go grab something from the cafeteria.” Without waiting for her to respond, I spin on my heel and take off in the opposite direction that I actually need to go.
I keep moving until I’m out of Hannah’s eyesight, ducking around a building before pressing my back against the cool brick, tears pinching at the corners of my eyes.
He acted like he didn’t even know me.
My breathing accelerates.
He barely even looked at me.
My heart pounds hard... Too hard.
He just walked right by me like I meant nothing.
I double over, bracing my hands on my knees as what little breakfast I forced down this morning threatens to come back up.
He walked by me like I was no one.
Warm tears streak down my cheeks, a stark contrast to the temperature of my skin.
In through the nose. I pull in a shaky breath.
Out through the mouth. My chin quivers.
In through the nose. I repeat the process.
Out through the mouth. I let out a gargled noise.
In through the nose. I pull in another deep breath, forcing myself upright.
Out through the mouth.
“Fuck this.” I press off the wall, pivoting in the direction of my dorm room. “If he wants to treat me like I don’t exist...” I mutter aloud, talking to myself like the crazy person that I am as I angrily swipe at tears that now flow freely from my eyes. “Game on, asshole,” I grit out. “Game freaking on.”
I am revising day twelve.
Day twelve: I got angry and decided I was done wallowing over a man who doesn’t even have the decency to acknowledge me.
I shove my way inside my dorm room just a few short minutes later to find Char at her desk, no doubt studying for the upcoming finals, which should be my focus but most definitely isn’t.
“Do you still want to go to that party tonight?” I ask, shedding my bookbag before plopping it on the floor next to my chair.
“Yes?” She phrases it like a question.
“Great. Do you have a dress I can borrow?”
“Yes?” Again, she seems unsure of her answer as her eyes track me as I peel off one shoe and then the other.
“Great. I’m going to go take a shower and then we can start getting ready,” I tell her matter-of-factly.
“It’s only two thirty.”
“I know. No reason we can’t get an early start, right?”
“Are you okay?” she asks as I gather my bathroom things.
“I’m great.” I grab my robe, draping it over my forearm before turning back toward her. “Just great.” I can feel the wild expression that slides across my face but don’t care enough to try to hide it.
“Are you sure? Because you don’t really seem all that great,” she says apologetically.
“He just walked right past me and barely even looked at me. He barely even glanced at me, Char, and then he just continued on like I wasn’t even there!”
“Asshole.” She stands, moving toward me.
“I don’t care,” I tell her, a lie, and we both know it. “I’m done lying around this room sulking. I want to go out, get drunk, and who knows, maybe I’ll even find myself a cute guy to make me feel better for a few hours.”
“I...”
I can tell she wants to say something that she knows I probably don’t want to hear and thankfully, thinks better of it.
“I’ll text Maisie and let her know to come home straight after practice,” she tells me instead.
“Perfect.” With that, I spin around and exit the room.