Chapter Seventeen | KAI
Chapter Seventeen
KAI
“What the hell is wrong with you?” They’re the first words out of Maisie’s mouth when I open my door to find her standing in the hallway, hands on her hips in that way she does when she’s about to chew someone out.
Hate to break it to her, but I’m most certainly not in the fucking mood today.
“Quite a few things at the moment.”
“I thought you were going to make things right with Lyric.” She pushes past me into my room.
“By all means, come on in,” I grumble, kicking the door closed before turning to face her.
I’ve known Maisie since she was in grade school, and while I’ve watched her grow up for years, it’s staggering to see her now, more adult than child.
“You walked right by her and said nothing. No, worse, you walked right by her, made eye contact, and then kept going like you didn’t even know her. What the actual fuck, Kai?” She throws her hands up.
“I wasn’t expecting to see her. I panicked.”
“You panicked?” She lets out a humorless laugh.
“I just... I looked up, and she was there. I was caught off guard.”
“You were caught off guard?” She phrases it like a question she already knows the answer to, and it’s most certainly not the answer I’ve given. “You, the smoothest talker I’ve ever met in my life, couldn’t think of a single thing to say? You didn’t panic, you chickened out... Again.”
“She looked at me like she wanted to rip my fucking face off, Maisie. What would you have had me do? Grovel right there in front of everyone?” I run a frustrated hand through my hair.
“Yes!” She throws her arms wide. “Where’s the guy who a few months ago nearly killed someone for touching her and then staked his claim for the whole party to see?”
“That was different.”
“How was it different?” She crosses her arms in front of herself.
“I wasn’t in love with her then.” I expect the confession to taste bitter on my tongue, but it doesn’t. In fact, it feels like the first real thing I’ve said in a long, fucking time.
“You sure about that?”
“All I knew was that I wanted her, and I didn’t want anyone else to have her. There was less at stake then. Now I have this weight just sitting on my fucking chest, and it feels like it’s about to suffocate me.”
“Then talk to her.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Actually, it is. You forget I have front-row seats to both sides. You’ve both been a mess for days, and yet, you’re too fucking stubborn to just tell her the truth. What are you so afraid of?”
“All of it!” My voice booms through the room. “I’m fucking terrified, Maisie.”
It should feel strange to admit such things to my friend’s little sister, but it doesn’t because, in a way, she’s kind of like a sister to me too.
“Well, you better get unterrified, or you’re going to fuck around and lose her for good. She came home after class all up in arms about the way you treated her today, and now she’s all gung ho about the party at Delta tonight.”
“She’s going?”
Maisie nods.
“She’s planning on laying one on tonight. Not that I’m opposed to drinking away your feelings. I’ve been known to do that a time or two myself. But this... This isn’t Lyric. And I’m afraid she’s going to do something she’s really going to regret just to spite you.”
“What would you have me do? Show up and pronounce my love for her?”
“Why not? You’ve already admitted you’re in love with her.”
“To you.”
“If you feel it, why does it matter who you’ve said it to? The facts are the facts. You love her. Whether you tell me or you tell her, it doesn’t change the truth.”
I think over her words.
“What are you so afraid of, Kai?” Her tone softens.
“I don’t know,” I admit, dropping down onto the edge of my bed. “I have this pit in my stomach that’s been there since she told me she loved me, and for the life of me, I can’t shake it.”
“Because it forced you to admit that you feel the same way about her. Why is that so terrifying to you, though? I’ve watched you my entire life. Watched you weave through women like you were trying to build a web around yourself. You’ve never let anyone get too close.”
“Maybe I’m afraid of what they’d see if I did,” I mutter bitterly.
“Which is what, Kai?”
“That I’m not someone worth loving.” I reluctantly meet her gaze, which instantly softens at my admission.
“Why would you ever think that?”
“Because it’s true.”
“Only it’s not. You may be a stubborn asshole sometimes, and yes, the way you are with women leaves a bit to be desired, but you are loyal and caring and you show up for the people you care about. So why can’t you show up for her? Why can’t you show up for Lyric the way you’ve shown up for me basically my entire life?”
“Because you’re like a sister to me. Being there for you is second nature.”
“And being there for the woman you love isn’t?”
“She deserves better than me.”
“Maybe she does. But you’re the one she loves. Despite everything she knew about you, she took a chance on you anyway. Despite all the trust issues and baggage she carries from her past relationship, she chose to open her heart to you, knowing there was a good chance you’d break it. So why can’t you do the same for her? If she means as much to you as I think she does, why are you making both of you suffer needlessly? Because you have some irrational fear that you’re unlovable?”
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“But I do. I understand what it is to feel unworthy. To feel like every bad thing that’s ever happened is your fault. Or are you forgetting that I was supposed to be the one watching Lily when she died?”
Guilt kicks against my ribs. In all the years I’ve known Maisie and her family, the only person I’ve ever heard talk about Lily is Jackson, and that was only once when I asked about the little girl in a family photo one of the first times I visited their house. He told me a condensed version of what happened and to never bring it up in front of Maisie, which I never did.
“You were only five. It was unfair of anyone to ask you to watch a two-year-old in the bathtub.”
“You’re right, it was. And yet, I still carry the weight of what happened with me everywhere. It will always be a part of who I am, just like what happened to your mom will always be a part of you.”
I open my mouth to speak, not yet sure what words will come out, when she quickly continues.
“I know you blame yourself for the fire. I know you plugged in a projector after your mom went to bed and that you left it on. I know that’s where the fire started. But I also know that the wiring was faulty, and the fire didn’t start because of you.”
“But it did, Maisie,” I’m quick to disagree. “Because my mom told me not to turn it on, and I did anyway. If I had just listened...”
“You were six. You weren’t any more at fault for your mom’s death than I was for Lily’s. I know firsthand that it’s not something you will ever outrun, but Kai, you have to find a way to live with it. You can’t keep pushing people away every time they get too close. I may not have known your mom, but I can’t imagine she’d want this for you. A life where you keep everyone at arm’s length. A life void of all the love and happiness that she’d want for you. Stop punishing yourself for what you lost and live for the one whose life was cut short. That’s what I try to do. I try to live my life for Lily, not in spite of her.”
“Is that why even your closest friends don’t know about her?” I fire off, wishing I could take back the words the second they break the surface.
“You’re right. I keep what happened close to my chest, and maybe it’s because I do still bear the guilt of what happened and I’m scared of what people will think of me if they find out. Something I know you can relate to. The difference between you and me, though, is I don’t let the tragedy define me. And you shouldn’t either.”
“I don’t know how,” I finally admit after a brief moment of silence passes between us. “I don’t know how not to let it define me when I wear it like a fucking brand.” I jut out my arm to the scarred flesh I keep hidden beneath swirls of ink.
“You have to forgive yourself.” Maisie inches closer. “You have to stop sabotaging every chance you have at happiness because you don’t feel like you deserve it.” She lowers herself down onto the bed next to me. “I’m not saying that Lyric will be your forever, but she is your right now, and right now is all we get. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Do you really want your potential last day on this earth to be without her?”
“No.” My voice scratches across my throat like there are little rocks in it.
“Then stop wallowing in your own self-pity and do something about it.”
“And what if she won’t forgive me?”
“There’s not a chance she won’t. You forget I live with the girl. And if there’s anyone on this earth even half as pathetic as your sorry ass right now, it’s her. You may feel like you don’t deserve to be happy, but what about her? Don’t you think she’s been through enough heartbreak to last her a lifetime? Do you really want to be the reason why she suffers?”
She plays a hand she knows I can’t beat.
This entire time I’ve been so focused on my own shit; I blocked out what Lyric might be going through. I didn’t want to think about it because not thinking about it made it easier to stay away. The only problem is, the longer I’ve stayed away, the harder it’s gotten.
I thought watching her walk away that day would be the most difficult part, but I was wrong. The most difficult part has been every day that’s followed. Living without her, it’s like living in the dark. I’ve been trying like hell to feel my way through it, but I fear I’ve only gotten myself more turned around. I know the only way out is her. Hell, I’ve known it since the day I met her.
“What do I do?” I tilt my face to look at Maisie.
“Well, for starters, you need to take a shower.” She crinkles her nose. “Because you stink.”
I lift my shirt and sniff, realizing she’s not wrong. Guess that’s what happens when you spend three hours in the gym taking your frustrations out on a punching bag.
“And after that?”
“Go to the party. Find Lyric. And grovel. Grovel like your life depends on it.”
“Is that all?” A semblance of a smile tugs at the corner of my mouth.
“And be prepared to continue to grovel for a least a few days. You kinda owe her that much.” She knocks her shoulder against mine before pushing to a stand. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get home and get ready. I better see your ass there tonight, or my visit tomorrow won’t be nearly as cordial.”
“You call this cordial,” I tease, watching her cross the length of the room in record time.
She tugs open the door, not turning back around until she’s in the hallway.
“You better be there,” she reiterates.
“I’ll be there,” I promise, blowing out a slow breath when she closes the door seconds later.
I have no idea what I’m going to say or do to make any of this right, but Maisie is right about one thing... Well, she’s right about a lot of things, but there’s one thing she said that really stands out. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
If today is my last day, I want it to be with Lyric.
Nothing else truly matters.
My guilt.
My fear.
My uncertainty.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to one thing.
Can I live without her?
The answer is a resounding no.