Thirty-Seven Noah
thirty-seven
Noah
Twenty Years Ago
Hey, Jayhawks. Rock Chalk!”
Ramin was wearing a blue KU hoodie, even though it was unusually warm out for March.
Noah gave Ramin a friendly elbow nudge. “I didn’t know you liked basketball.”
Ramin blinked at him like he’d started speaking Russian. “Huh?”
“Rock Chalk, Jayhawk? Your hoodie?” Noah’s dad had gone to K-State, and his mom had gone to MU, so both of them hated KU. That wasn’t why Noah loved the Jayhawks, though it certainly didn’t hurt.
“Oh.” Ramin blushed, giving this weird, closed-lip smile that didn’t show his dimples. “My dad got it for me. I got accepted. Full ride.”
“Really? That’s awesome!” Noah had some friends who’d gotten full rides for wrestling at SMSU and CMSU. “Congrats, man.”
“Thanks.” Ramin twirled one of the hoodie’s tassels around his finger and went quiet again.
He’d been a lot quieter since his mom died.
Noah hated that Ramin’s mom had died. And he hated even more that he hadn’t been able to go to the memorial.
He was still mad at his mom about that. If he had to hear about the “Axis of Evil” one more time…
“What about you?” Ramin asked.
“Me?”
“Where are you going?”
“Oh.” Noah rubbed his head. He’d buzzed his hair a couple weeks ago, and now it was at that stage where it was soft and messy and sticking up every which way. “I’m not.”
“Not what?”
“Not doing the whole college thing.” Noah said it quickly, like if he got it out of the way he could skip past the weird looks people gave him. Or the disapproval. Or the shouting, in the case of his dad, but he was eighteen now, and they couldn’t make him.
“Oh.” Ramin didn’t sound disapproving, though, just curious. “How come?”
Noah chewed on his bottom lip but stopped himself. It was still tender from where Stacy had gotten a little rough with their making out last weekend. He started smiling at the memory, then realized Ramin was still looking at him.
Ramin’s eyes were so much greener than Stacy’s. And he looked at Noah, really looked at him, like he cared what Noah thought. Noah hadn’t realized how few people did that sort of thing.
“I just don’t think it’s for me,” Noah said. “I’d rather get out there and work, save some money. Figure out what I want to do.”
“That’s cool. More time for your art too, right?”
“Yeah.” The lie came easily to Noah’s lips, even though it curdled his gut. But he liked that Ramin liked his art. He didn’t have the heart to tell him he’d given it up. He needed to be saving money.
Noah hated it, but in this, his dad was right: He needed to do something practical. Especially if he was going to get out of his parents’ house.
Still, a small part of him wished he was going off to KU, too.
He and Ramin could take classes together, go to basketball games, maybe even carpool out to campus to save on gas, unless Ramin was going to live in the dorms. It was an hour away, so not that far, but Noah would hate making the drive there and back five times a week or more.
Heck, he and Ramin could’ve roomed together. Then both of them could’ve had a built-in friend on campus.
But that wasn’t Noah’s life. That wasn’t Noah’s future.
Ramin was smart. He was going places.
Noah was running from them.
He’d never live up to Ramin, no matter how hard he tried.
Now
Noah had been convinced Ramin was joking about waking him up with a blowjob, until he blinked awake with the sunlight framing the curtains and a warm mouth around his morning wood.
“Oh, baby,” he groaned, voice sandy from sleep. “That feels so good.”
Ramin’s mouth was so talented, Noah didn’t know how he’d ever compare. But he was determined to practice, as often as Ramin would let him.
Ramin hummed against him, and Noah felt it in every nerve he had. Ramin’s mouth was slick and hot, and as Ramin moved to take Noah into his throat, things only got slicker and hotter. The sounds coming from beneath the blankets were downright obscene.
It only made Noah harder. He flexed involuntarily. Ramin made a hrk sound but didn’t stop. Didn’t even slow down.
Noah’s breath hitched. A spasm of bliss rocked his core.
“How do you do that?” Noah sighed when he could breathe again. He didn’t know how long Ramin had been at this, but he was getting close already. “You’re a miracle.”
Ramin just hummed some more with Noah buried to the hilt. He did that trick where his tongue snaked out to caress Noah’s balls.
Noah’s back arched in pleasure. Lightning crackled down his spine. He closed his eyes and rode the waves of euphoria crashing over him.
“I’m close, baby, you’re so—”
Noah’s phone started buzzing on the nightstand, loud against the hardwood surface. Not the single sharp buzz of a text, but a constant thing. A phone call.
Noah had heard of bonerkillers before, but he’d never had his own killed so quickly, so thoroughly, as when he saw Angela’s name.
“It’s Angela.”
Ramin came off his now-limp sex and crawled out from under the covers, face wet and shiny in the morning light. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Everything okay?”
Noah wanted to kiss him, but his phone kept buzzing.
“She doesn’t usually call this early.” Noah’s heart twisted with anxiety as he answered. “Hello?”
“Hi,” Angela said, breathing hard. “Do you have a minute?”
Her voice was cracking and tired. Noah’s throat clamped up immediately.
“Are you okay? Is Jake?”
“We’re both okay,” she said. “I promise. Jake and I are both fine.”
There was something in her voice that set his heart to hammering, though.
“But…?”
“But Jake is in the hospital.”
Noah’s world cracked in two.
He’d read once—Elizabeth Stone, he wanted to say—that when you’re a parent, your heart lives outside your body.
His heart wasn’t just outside his body; it was in another city, squeezing and beating out of tempo as he paced in front of the bed.
Jake was in the hospital. His son was in the hospital.
He’d woken up in the middle of the night with stomach pain. Angela had blamed the late-night gelato at first. But when the vomiting started, she’d taken him to the nearest hospital, where he was diagnosed with appendicitis and sent in for emergency surgery.
“Don’t worry. It went fine. He’s already in recovery,” Angela assured him.
“He’s in…” Noah grasped his hair. “Angela, when did you take him?”
“A little after midnight.”
“A little after…”
Noah glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was past eight.
Jake had been in the hospital for eight hours . And Angela was only now telling him.
Noah clamped down the anger that threatened to burst from his chest. He clenched his teeth. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Angela’s voice was light. Careful. “It was late. There was nothing you could do. We had things under control.”
That wasn’t good enough. This was his son they were talking about.
He wasn’t there when his son needed him.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can. We’re not done talking about this.”
“Breathe,” Ramin said as he tried to fold Noah’s singlet into something that would pack nicely. “Don’t forget to breathe.”
He was right. Noah was holding his breath. From anxiety, from anger, from a million feelings all at war within him, and maybe if he didn’t breathe he could smother them. Better that than letting them burn everything down.
He pinched his cross so hard he was surprised it didn’t snap in two, then took one steady breath. “Thanks.”
Noah shoved the last of his stuff into his backpack and zipped it up. “I’ve gotta get to the train station.”
“Just let me pack my stuff too, I won’t take long.”
“You don’t have to come with me.” This was Noah’s problem, not Ramin’s. Yesterday had been so perfect, and now he was ruining everything. His plans for today, a lazy breakfast, visiting museums, drinking wine. Or just staying in bed, lost in each other. It had all gone out the window.
“I don’t mind,” Ramin said.
“I’m good. Really. You stay.”
Ramin stared at him, and Noah had the sinking feeling that he’d said something wrong, but when he tried to figure out what, his brain kept showing him images of Jake in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines, crying for his dad.
He shoved his feet into his shoes. Ramin gave up on packing and grabbed his own.
“At least let me walk with you.”
“I’ll call a cab,” Noah said.
“You saw the roads. We’ll get there faster walking. Come on.”
Ramin was right, of course. Power-walking took less than ten minutes, climbing uphill the entire way. Sweat drenched Noah’s back, leaving a huge wet oval beneath his backpack. Ramin somehow managed to walk and use his phone at the same time.
“I found you a ticket on the next train,” he said. “It’s boarding in fifteen minutes. We can slow down a bit.”
“Thank you,” Noah said. It hadn’t even occurred to him to check the time tables. He didn’t slow down, though. He couldn’t. His legs wouldn’t stop.
His son was in the hospital. Fear clawed at his throat. Why had he let Angela take Jake? Why hadn’t he insisted they go together?
He was selfish, that’s why. He’d wanted to get away with Ramin.
And most selfish of all, every time he looked at Ramin, a really messed-up part of him knew that he’d make the same choice again.
They reached the station, scanned the screens, found the right platform. The train wasn’t even there yet.
“It’s probably coming from somewhere,” Ramin said as Noah paced. “It’ll be okay.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Noah ran a hand through his messy hair. He looked down and stopped. “How long has my shirt been backward?”
“Since you put it on,” Ramin said, lips pressed together to hold in a smile. “I didn’t want to slow you down.”
Noah managed a little bit of a chuckle. “Thanks.”
As Ramin helped him sort it out, they heard the whistle, then watched as the train slowly pulled in.
“Thank you. For everything. Really.” Noah pulled Ramin in for a kiss. He didn’t even stop to see who was watching.
“Thank you,” Ramin murmured against his lips. “Yesterday was magical.”
“And today’s a disaster.” Noah sighed. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“It’s okay. Go be with your son.”
“Thanks.” The doors opened, and a few folks got off the train, but even more got on, jostling Noah as he stood looking at Ramin.
He needed to go. He needed to be with his son. But he couldn’t tear himself away from Ramin’s eyes. Deep green pools, overflowing with endless kindness. Noah never wanted to look away from them. He never wanted to be parted from them.
Everything in him screamed to get on the train. Everything in him screamed to stay.
Why didn’t he give Ramin a chance to pack? They’d had time. Why hadn’t he waited? Why hadn’t he begged Ramin to come with him?
Ramin had offered, hadn’t he?
But this wasn’t Ramin’s problem. This was Noah’s. Jake was his son. He was responsible for him. He had to be there. Had to go.
He’d been living in a dream with Ramin. A beautiful dream where he could have everything he ever wanted. But this was real life. And he had a son to take care of.
“I better go.”
He could only hope Ramin would forgive him.