Chapter Twelve
I came home from an eight-hour shift and collapsed on my bed. Never in my life had I been this tired. I'd felt like my eyes were going to shut right there at the cash register. The nausea wasn't getting any better, and my back was starting to hurt, and I wasn't out of my first trimester yet.
"Jocelyn," Max called.
God, I hope he doesn't want me to make dinner now!
"Jocey?" He knocked on my door.
"Come in."
"Hey?" He walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you sick again?"
I wish he'd stop asking me that!
"No." I sighed. "Just a long day."
"Maybe you should cut back those hours?" He smiled. "I appreciate your work ethic, but ever since Alex left, all you do is work. I know you miss him, but maybe you should go out with some friends?"
I still hadn't told him I wouldn't be attending school. If I told him, I'd have to tell him why, and I still hadn't managed to work up the nerve to tell him he was going to be a grandfather.
"Once school starts, you'll be busy. You should be having fun now."
Oh, I think I already had enough fun!
"I just saw Evan the other day," I said. "I have to work all weekend. I'm trying to get the hours in now."
"You can't sit around and wait for Alex," he said. "November is a long way off."
"Not that long," I mumbled. "Look, I'm fine, Dad. I'm just tired. Would you mind if I didn't cook tonight?"
"No," he said. "I'll order something for us."
"Okay."
"What do you want?"
"Something with pineapple, I think?" I'd been craving pineapple all day.
"Pineapple?" He laughed. "That's odd."
"Why?"
"Your mother used to crave that when she was pregnant with you," he said. "But I don't think I've ever seen you eat it before."
"Oh." I tried to think quickly. "I ate it at the Jordans. They love fresh fruit, and I found out I really like it."
What were the chances Liz and I would have the same craving? We had nothing else in common.
"I guess I could run to the store and pick some up," he said, as he rubbed his chin. I prayed he wasn't making the connection.
"No," I said. "You pick what you want to eat. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm just really hungry."
"Okay." He smiled, but he didn't look happy. "Are you sure everything’s okay?
You can talk to me, ya know."
"Yes." I patted his hand in an effort to assure him. "It's a girl thing."
He held up his hand. "Say no more, please."
I laughed as he bolted from the room like he had a tiger on his tail.
Max had always felt uncomfortable talking to me about anything that had to do with the female body.
It didn't make growing up so easy, but luckily, I had the Internet.
Actually, that was coming in handy with all my pregnancy questions.
I really didn't have any place else to turn. Liz wasn’t an option, since she hadn't been there for any other significant moment in my life.
I often thought Sarah would be the perfect one to talk to.
She was so nurturing and tender, and I didn't think I'd feel embarrassed to ask her anything. I wished I could tell her.
I closed my eyes and tried to think of happier moments.
My childhood was okay, and Max did the best he could, but I felt like I missed out on so many different things.
I wanted more for my baby. I wanted him or her to have two parents and live in a nice house and eventually have siblings.
My mind never shut down, especially when it came to the future.
I wanted to have a life with Alex, but how could I expect him to want the same things I did?
It wasn't fair to assume he would want to be with me and raise a baby.
Our relationship was good before he left; we were learning about one another, growing as a couple, and having fun.
We had so much to look forward to, but now it was all so different, and Alex had no idea his life was about to change.
Both of our lives were in for a makeover.
* * * * *
A massive migraine woke me up at 3:00 a.m. I threw up twice, tossed and turned, and finally fell back to sleep sometime around sunrise.
It was almost noon by the time my head finally settled down.
My mouth was dry, my eyes burned, and my boobs were sore.
Pregnancy did not agree with me. And to think, people did this more than once.
I decided I’d stay in my pajamas all day.
I needed some time to think. Max was working a twelve-hour shift, so I wouldn't have to worry about him interrogating me over my disheveled appearance.
After I had my usual morning cry, I got out of bed and hit the shower.
It helped me to relax a little, but when I stepped out, I still had the same problems waiting for me.
When I dried off, I noticed that my stomach was developing a tiny bump; it wouldn't be noticeable to most people, but I was aware of it.
This made me cry all over again. I was an emotional mess.
I went back to my room and put on a pair of pajama bottoms and Alex's Yale shirt. I felt closer to him when I wore it, and I liked the idea of something of his being so close to our baby. I ran my hands over my stomach and smiled.
In the beginning, I was so stunned I was pregnant I didn't have time to process that I was actually having a baby. I had to get used to the idea of being pregnant first.
And lately, I’d been stressing over telling Max. It had to be done, and my life would be filled with a lot less stress once he knew, but unfortunately, his life would be screwed up.
Then there was Alex. He’d been gone since July, and in the beginning, we spoke almost every night.
Our phone time had dwindled, and it was my fault.
He’d made an honest attempt, constantly calling me and texting me, but as the weeks went by, I distanced myself from him.
I felt bad about the space I put between us, but the less I talked to him, the less likely I was to blurt out I was pregnant.
He was doing so well with this internship, and if he knew about the baby, he'd be on the first plane home from Connecticut.
I wanted him here with me more than anything, but the timing was off.
There wasn't anything he could do, and if he didn't want to be involved, I wouldn't force him.
The problem was, I wanted him to be involved, and I wanted him to want this baby.
I grabbed my phone, deciding I'd call him. I missed him and wanted to hear his voice. If I was being selfish, I didn’t care. I needed something for me today.
"Jocelyn." He answered on the first ring.
"Hey," I said. "How are you?"
"I'm good, just really busy."
"Am I bothering you?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "I'm just surprised to hear from you. I usually call you."
"I've been busy with work," I said. "But, I'm off today, and I was thinking about you. I'm wearing your shirt."
"Hmm," he said. "If I wasn't in a crowded hallway, I'd ask you what else you had on."
"I'm not in a sexy mood."
"That makes me happy with me being so far away and all."
"So, you're doing well?" I asked.
"Yeah, just have a lot going on."
"I won't keep you," I said. "I wanted to hear your voice."
"I'm glad you called," he said. "I was thinking you'd given up."
"On us?"
He didn't say anything.
"Alex?"
"I know I said I didn't expect you to wait," he said. "And I know it's such an exciting time in your life with school, and you'll be making new friends, but . . . ."
"Alex." I interrupted him. "I haven't given up. I've just been going through some stuff."
"What stuff, Joce?"
Damn it! Now he'd want to be my psychiatrist. "It's not important. I just miss you."
"Jocelyn," he said. "I can fly home this weekend, if you want. We could spend two days together."
No, no, no! He couldn't do. If he did, then he'd know, and he wouldn't go back.
As much as I wanted him here, there was no harm in letting him finish the internship.
"No, Alex." I answered much too fast.
"Why not?" I heard the hurt in his voice. I was just making things so much worse.
"Because I have orientation and there are some functions on campus I want to go to." I lied.
"Oh, okay," he said regretfully.
"And it would be too hard to say goodbye to you again." I rubbed my stomach.
"When you come back, I want you to stay."
"Me too, beautiful," he whispered. "Will you be home later?"
"Yeah, I'm staying in and getting some things done around the house."
"Can I call you tonight?"
"I'd like that." I smiled.
"Have a good day, babe."
I closed my eyes and held back a sob. I hated being so hormonal. "You too," I quickly said before hanging up. I couldn't risk saying anything else.
How ridiculous is this? Alex thought I’d given up on him.
Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? He had this reputation of being with almost every girl in town and God knew who else at Yale. By the time I met him, he could have had his pick of any gorgeous girl he wanted; he’d even dated Miss California or something like that for a month.
But for some odd reason, he chose me. He came home that day and found me in his kitchen, and as far as I knew, he didn't see anyone else but me the whole four months he was home from school. I knew how crazy that was for him.
He’d changed his whole way of life for me.
He was patient with me, took his time, and made me feel special.
He’d never actually told me he loved me, but he cared for me.
The relationship Alex had built with me was more genuine than any other he’d had with any other girl.
A few months ago, I wouldn't have been confident enough to think that way, but Evan had assured me of that, and the reason Julia hated me so much was because I had what she wanted. And now I was breaking his heart. For the first time in his life, he put it all out there, and, in his mind, he thought I was the one who was going to be unfaithful. The distance I was putting between us was killing us both, but I could only hope when he came back he’d understand what I was trying to do for him.
What I was trying to do for the three of us.