Chapter 1 #2
and as quirky as Sonia was in her flowing skirt, off-the-shoulder sweater and champagne saber in hand, Rachel was the glamour
girl of the trio, with the latest fashion trends, magazine-cover-worthy style, and always the perfect red lip.
Julia, Sonia, and Rachel had shared a dorm their freshman year in college and had been best friends ever since, despite, or
maybe because of, being so different. Their one thing in common was what strengthened their bond: they shared the same joys
and pains of growing up Korean American.
“You didn’t think we’d let you not celebrate this, did you?” Rachel said as she placed a pastry box in front of Julia. “Mochi
doughnuts, your favorite.”
“Way to come prepared,” Sonia said.
“Knowing you,” Rachel said, pointing at Julia as she walked over to the credenza to grab plates and napkins from the cabinet,
“you were probably planning on going home, ordering a pizza, and catching up on The Challenge to celebrate.”
Honestly, all of that sounded like a perfect celebratory plan in Julia’s mind.
“Whoa, you’re really spoiling your halmoni for her eightieth birthday,” Rachel said, motioning with her head to the four very
large, very full gift bags on Julia’s conference table in the corner.
“Um, none of those are for Halmoni,” Julia said. “They’re for my mom and aunties. Starlight’s new ginseng line of skincare.
Gucci scarves. Prada sunglasses. Bottega leather key rings. My plan is to woo them with goodies to distract them so they won’t
focus on my hair, my weight, my dating life, why I’m not married . . . the usual. It cost me a pretty penny, but it’ll be
worth it.”
“Korean families can be so rough. I thought I was past it once James and I got married. But now we’re on to the When are you having babies? part. It’s relentless,” Sonia said.
“And just another reason I’m glad I don’t have any family,” Rachel added. “No one around to give me shit for never wanting
to get married.”
Rachel had lost her family at a young age. And though she didn’t mention them often, when she did, it was usually with a flippancy
that made Julia worried she might be dealing with something. She made a mental note to check in with her best friend later
to make sure she was okay. Rachel would hate it if they forced her to talk right now.
Julia threw a quick look toward Sonia, who met her with a tiny head nod. She’d noticed too.
Sonia got up and walked over to the table, subtly giving Rachel’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.
“How do I get my hands on one of these bribe bags?” Sonia asked, peeking inside. “Nice.”
“They were a last-minute splurge, technically a backup plan. Originally, I was going to play sick and maybe get out of going
home for Halmoni’s birthday weekend altogether.”
“Well, you’re too chicken to pull that off. Your halmoni might be the only person in the world you’re scared of saying no to. You’d never disappoint her,” Rachel said. “Plus, anytime you try to play sick, it ends up sounding like a lifelong smoker.”
“Huh, I always thought she sounded like a phone sex operator,” Sonia added.
“Those aren’t a thing anymore. You need video now and an OnlyFans account,” Rachel added matter-of-factly.
Sonia nodded. “Wow, I didn’t realize you needed technology for cheap thrills now too.”
“Hello, vibrators?”
“Can we not talk about vibrators at my workplace please?” Julia chimed in, not able to hide the smile on her face. It felt
like they were back in their first off-campus apartment, laughing, drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and sharing notes on their
sex lives.
“I have an idea. Just tell your family you’ve had a long-standing relationship with a guy you’ve been hiding. His name is Bob,” Sonia suggested.
“You know I’m a terrible liar.”
“It’s not a lie,” Sonia insisted. “You have had a long-term relationship with Bob, your Battery Operated Boyfriend. Get it?”
“So we’re sexualizing dad jokes now. Is that what we’ve become?” Rachel’s voice was laced with mockery, but her smile gave
her away. She’d be the first to laugh at all of Sonia’s dad jokes.
“I’m not faking a boyfriend,” Julia said. “I’m knee-deep in this next wave for Starlight. I have no time for any boyfriends,
fake or real. Plus, I shouldn’t have to fake it. What’s the big deal? I’m single at thirty. You’d think, the way some people
see it, I’ve committed a crime against humanity or something.”
“We’re supposed to have it all by now,” Rachel said, dramatic air quotes punctuating her eye roll.
“According to whose standards? It’s such an antiquated notion that having it all looks the same for everyone and means the
same thing as it has for generations,” Julia responded.
“Fair point,” Sonia said. “But what’s with the sudden existential crisis?”
Julia shrugged. “I’ve just given up on dating.”
“Uh-oh. Who was it this time, and what happened?” Rachel asked.
Julia let out the deepest breath. This was supposed to be an impromptu celebration of her accomplishments with friends. She
downed the dregs of her champagne from the plastic cup, swallowed her pride along with it, and let it out.
“I finally gave in and went out with that commercial real-estate guy from Malibu.”
“The one who was on the reality TV show?” Sonia asked.
Julia held back the groan.
“And?” Rachel nudged.
“You both know how it is. I’m awkward with people. I have no social skills, which translates badly to any dating situation.” She shrugged. “I told him he looked different in person than on TV.”
The pained expression on her friends’ faces confirmed what Julia suspected: It had been the wrong thing to say.
“Which led him to feel the need to share his entire history of body dysmorphia and then ended with him telling me I’m undateable.”
Silence.
Rachel elbowed Sonia.
“Well, that’s just nonsense,” Sonia sputtered. “You’re not undateable. You’re perfect,”
“Let’s not lie to the girl. Undateable, no. But, there is no denying you’re awful at the art of dating.” Rachel, ever the
realist. “Remember that time you told the guy who showed up in a bowling shirt that Charlie Sheen wanted his wardrobe back?”
“He was doused in Drakkar Noir like he’d just walked out of the nineties. He was asking for it.” The three of them met each
other with matching eye rolls.
“And remember how she made The New York Times best-selling author cry when she admitted she couldn’t get past the second chapter—”
“And when that founder got all defensive because she called his Patagonia vest and Allbirds sneakers start-up chic—”
“Okay, so not my finest moments, I’ll admit,” Julia said. “Men are so sensitive these days.”
“But in your defense, some of these guys were turkeys. The hedge-fund guy who came back from Burning Man and decided to give
up showering?” A shudder ran through Rachel’s body, her face scrunched up as if she smelled something bad. And she wasn’t
even at that date.
“Well, as fun as this trip down memory lane has been, I don’t have the time or energy right now to worry about fragile feelings or inflated egos.
So I’m a lot to handle, too much for most people.
I’ve accepted that. My coach told me I should be honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses.
Strength: I am kick-ass at business. Weakness: I’m terrible at small talk, fake niceties, and awkward social interactions—basically dating, in a nutshell. ”
“Wait, your Pilates coach told you that?” Sonia asked.
Julia stared at the absurdity of the question. Granted, she did have a lot of coaches in her life. So many that even she got them mixed up sometimes.
“Plus, I’m trying to get my parents set up financially so I can talk them into finally retiring. I’m looking to hire a driver
for my grandma so she’ll stop trying to do it herself. I have a family that I need to take care of. And a business that requires
all my time and focus. Not a lot of guys out there find my kind of baggage sexy.”
She thought about her halmoni, once owner of the largest apothecary back in Korea before marrying her grandfather and becoming
a farmer’s wife. And Julia’s mom, a successful engineer, married her dad and now worked at their dry cleaners. She wasn’t
judging their choices. In fact, it was, in part, because of their sacrifices that Julia was the successful woman she was today.
She was doing all of this as much for them as she was because of them.
But she was not going to follow in their footsteps and give anything up for someone else.
And based on her tragic dating history, she just wasn’t going to find a man who could handle her as she was and the level
of success that came with it.
When being too much was the reason you weren’t enough—a memoir.
“So I’m done even trying. For the time being, I’m off the market. Mr. Malibu called it. I am, officially, undateable.” Family-values
investors and Korean aunties be damned.
“Anyways, I’m not opposed to buying my aunties’ silence about it for a few hours if I can,” she said, eyeing the large gift bags.
“Well, I think it’s a solid plan. You always take such good care of your family.” Sonia walked over to the glass product cases
that lined one side of Julia’s office. She grabbed a small container and lifted it up to Julia, an eyebrow raised in question.
“Our new shea butter hand cream in primrose. Try it. If you like it, ask Annette to grab you a couple on your way out,” Julia
offered.
“Hey, what about me?” Rachel asked.
“You won’t like the scent. A little too sweet for you. You should try the body scrub in sandalwood,” Julia said.
“God, you’re sexy when you talk free products,” Rachel said.
“Anyways,” Sonia cut in, still rubbing the hand cream in her palms, “you are the CEO of one of the hottest new cosmetics brands.
You’re featured in Forbes ‘30 Under 30.’ You’re a guest lecturer at Stern and Wharton business schools. You’ve been busy.”
“Thanks, Sonia. Can you come with me to Halmoni’s birthday party and read my list of achievements to my family? Maybe they’ll
believe you. As it stands, as far as they’re concerned, they won’t be impressed until I have a fat diamond engagement ring
or get a shameless product placement in a new K-drama.”
“It’s our fate. It’s the Korean han, our cultural burden. All Koreans always carry around the shame of somehow not feeling
good enough and then putting it onto the generations after them. Stuff your face with birthday cake and tteok and just nod
when they start asking questions. You’ll get past it.”
“Plus, you’ve got Oprah now. If anyone can help turn the tide during your dinner, it’s Oprah,” Rachel added.
The three of them raised their glasses for another toast.
“To Oprah,” Julia offered. “May the news magically render my family silent from their nagging.”
“To Oprah,” her friends answered.
“And if that doesn’t work, here’s hoping those will,” Rachel added, looking over her shoulder, lifting her chin. “To bribe
bags.”
Julia took a deep breath. She lifted her glass with her last bit of strength, hoping that this plan would, indeed, end up
working. Julia was the CEO of a multimillion-dollar company. She had handled the choppy, aggressive, unforgiving waters of
the business world. She could handle one night with her family, right?
“To bribe bags,” she said, downing the rest of her champagne.