CHAPTER NINE
Julian was tempted to ignore the knock on his door, but he dragged himself out of his chair to answer it. He wasn’t having a good day, and he didn’t want to see or talk to anyone, even though that wasn’t really an option at the center.
“Mail for you, Mr. Burke,” the man in the hallway said when Julian opened the door.
Taking the envelope from him, Julian said, “Thanks.”
Closing the door, his spirits lifted a bit when he saw Kiara’s familiar handwriting on the front of the envelope.
He returned to his chair and sank down with a sigh. Staring out the window at the glorious view, he tapped the envelope on his leg. He wanted to get into the right mindset before reading her letter.
The therapist in their session the previous day had decided it was time to press harder to get to the source of Julian’s excessive drinking.
They’d touched on it in past sessions, but the man hadn’t pressed when Julian had brushed it off as just something that he’d enjoyed that had gotten out of hand.
Unfortunately, the therapist hadn’t believed him.
So far, the sessions he’d attended had been focused on the other parts of his life. His job. His family. His friendships. His relationships—past and present. They’d even delved into the kidnapping and the impact it had had on him.
They’d talked about a lot of things. More than Julian had talked about to anyone ever before. He’d told him about pretty much everything of significance in his life, and even some non-significant things. All in an effort to avoid having to discuss that incident.
But Julian had known it was only a matter of time. He was pretty sure that if he didn’t deal with it, he would end up drinking again. All it had taken to bring the urge to the forefront in an overwhelming way was the thought of talking about what he’d done.
So he knew he had to face it head-on. And once he told the therapist, he was pretty sure he’d have to tell Duncan.
His stomach lurched as he imagined that conversation. And boy, did he want a drink to dull the anxiety that caused.
He’d shoved the memory of that day down deep and covered it with a river of alcohol. But now the river had dried up, and the memory was laid bare.
Maybe it was time to lance the boil and let all the poison out. Accept the consequences as a man, even though he’d only been a child when it had happened.
He might lose his job, but he had plenty of money of his own. He wouldn’t be destitute. He might be alone, but he wouldn’t be without a roof over his head or food on his table.
And he’d have a child. Provided Kiara would let him see the baby after his revelation.
He stared down at the envelope in his hands. Would the letter tell him if the baby was a boy or a girl?
It was possible that Kiara had chosen to wait until the birth, but he found that he really didn’t want that. He wanted to know now.
Focused on that, Julian opened the envelope and pulled out the thick sheets of cream paper. Unfolding them, he focused on the gently curved letters.
Dear Julian,
I hope you continue to do well. We are fine here. My morning sickness is much better. Instead of feeling sick all day, it’s usually just first thing in the morning… like it’s supposed to be.
And the baby is doing really well too. I decided I wanted to know the gender as well, so at my ultrasound today, I asked them to tell me. And after a little coaxing to get the baby in the right position, they told me we’re having a BOY!
Julian inhaled sharply, and he was surprised by the press of tears in his eyes. He was going to have a son.
Sudden dread filled him as he imagined a relationship with his son that was similar to what he had with his dad. Could he be a good father to a son?
He’d already failed miserably in his father-son relationship with Duncan. And he hadn’t been a much better brother to his siblings, especially Benjamin.
Had he ever had a successful relationship? One that was balanced and uplifting?
His best relationships were probably with people he worked with, like Sean. It was easier to meet work relationship expectations than personal ones.
But a child… a son… could he somehow figure out how to be a good father to him?
I didn’t really care whether it was a boy or a girl, but I figured it might be easier to have a girl as a single mom.
Julian’s stomach clenched as he read the words. Single mom. He’d essentially told her that they’d be getting a divorce at some point in the future, so it wasn’t a surprise that she was thinking that way.
So why was he reacting like it wasn’t something he wanted? They didn’t love each other, so there was no reason for them to stay married.
Most of the relationships I’ve had with men (my adoptive father and brother) haven’t been great. I just want to give this little boy the childhood I never had, with lots of love and security. A place where he’s safe.
Julian wanted that too, but he wasn’t sure what that looked like.
So, I guess we need to discuss names. I don’t have any ideas yet, but if you have a name that is important to you or your family, let me know.
I have included a picture from the ultrasound so that you can see what the baby looks like… sort of! Angie was with me. I had her take a video in case you wanted to see it someday.
He should have been with her. He should have been there to hear that they were having a son. Already he was missing out on things with him, all because he had a drinking problem.
Something that felt like resolve settled within him. He might not want to deal with his past, but he had to do it for the sake of his son. The little boy deserved to have a father who was present and whole.
There was nothing he could do to change what had happened in the past, but he had to tell Duncan and deal with the consequences. It was time to try to free himself from the guilt he’d carried for so many years.
With that settled in his mind, Julian continued to read the letter.
More good news! Jude proposed to Angie the other day, and no surprise, she said yes. They’re planning a wedding really soon, like in a month or so. I’m Angie’s matron of honor. Do you think you’ll be able to be here for it?
Julian wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be there, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to attend a wedding, especially Angela’s, when he was dealing with the mess his life was in.
You asked me in your letter if I was a Christian and if I went to church.
The answer is no, I’m not. I have gone to church sporadically with Angie over the years.
I haven’t thought much about it, but as I’ve watched Angie deal with everything recently, I’ve wondered about God and her faith in Him more than usual.
Angie is not a brave person by nature, but over the past few years, she’s pushed herself to do things. Since she started going to church, she’s memorized a Bible verse she recites to herself when faced with something difficult. It says something about being able to do everything with God’s help.
As I look at what lies ahead for me—and now our son—I think perhaps I’m going to need God’s help to be the mom I should be to him.
Angie also seems so content and at peace with what’s happened to her and even what happened to Jude. I envy her that because I’ve been anything but content lately. I think I might ask her about going to church with her and Jude.
Before Julian could dwell too much on what she’d shared, there was a soft chime from the intercom panel installed in every room. It was followed by the announcement that lunch was being served.
He skimmed the last bit of the letter, which was only a couple more lines letting him know she appreciated his letters and hoped that he continued to do well.
As he put the letter back into the envelope, he found the picture she’d included of the ultrasound. He stared at it for a minute, barely able to make out the features in the baby's profile.
There was a knock on his door, and from its rhythm, Julian knew it was Elijah. He got up and went to open the door.
“Ready to grab some lunch?” the man asked.
“Yep,” Julian said. “But first, here.”
Elijah took the picture and bent his head to look at it. When he lifted his head a moment later, he was smiling.
“Amazing. Did she find out what the gender is?”
“A boy.”
Elijah handed the picture back to him, then clapped him on the shoulder. “Congratulations, Dad.”
“Thanks.” He took the picture back to the table, then left the room with Elijah.
They walked in silence to the dining room, Julian's mind still processing the news.
A son. The word felt weighty… significant in a way he hadn't anticipated.
As they entered the spacious room with its panoramic views of the mountains, Julian noticed his steps felt lighter despite the heaviness in his chest.
The room hummed with subdued conversation and the clink of silverware against china. Julian filled his plate from the buffet, barely registering what he was selecting. His thoughts kept returning to the grainy ultrasound image, his first glimpse of his son.
"You look like you're in shock," Elijah commented as they settled at their usual table. "Good news should make you happier."
Julian stabbed at a piece of grilled chicken on his plate. "I am happy. Just… processing."
"Having second thoughts about fatherhood?"
"No." Julian surprised himself with his certainty. "I'm not having second thoughts about fatherhood. I'm having second thoughts about myself as a father."
Elijah set down his fork, studying Julian's face. "What do you mean?"
Julian pushed his food around his plate, appetite gone despite having skipped breakfast that morning. The dining room suddenly felt too crowded, too public for the weight of his thoughts.
"Like I mentioned before, my relationship with my own father is… complicated. Always has been." Julian lowered his voice. "And there's something I've never told anyone. Something that happened when I was a kid that's been eating at me for years."
"Is that why you started drinking?" Elijah asked, his voice equally quiet.