2
The second that I entered my first class, history, I had already lost any last bits of confidence I thought I could retain.
The short-lived triumph of having made it through the hall and into this room was trumped by the intimidating men that already lingered in their picked seats.
I eyed the row in the back, but luck was not on my side when my eyes met the group of boys who occupied them.
I was then forced to opt for a seat closer to the front than I wanted.
I hoped being far away from the other boys in the back would make this choice worth it, but I was quickly found wrong.
The seat in front of me was taken within seconds. He was a dark-haired lanky boy who sat crookedly slouched. His shaggy hair gave away the, what I could only assume was unintentional, heavy tilt of his head.
He had no issues leaning as far back into his seat as he possibly could. The wisps of his long strands of hair danced across the edge of my desk as if taunting me.
I wiped my sweaty palms on my jean skirt and tried to follow his lead in leaning back in my own chair so as to create as much distance between the two of us as possible.
This didn't last long.
Another boy filled the seat behind me only a moment later. He moved so quickly, I could not catch more than a red blur and I was definitely not willing to turn my head even half a centimeter to subdue my curiosity in knowing what the rest of him looked like.
All that seemed to matter was the dull tapping of his foot against the leg of my chair, successfully managing to keep me on edge from the constant reminder of his presence throughout the entire class period.
I couldn't even lean back in the chair any longer in fear that I would continue to feel his breath hitting the back of my neck.
Instead, I sat stick-straight and rigid, afraid that any movement in either direction would bring me unbearably closer to either one of the two boys.
To say that I was distracted was an extreme understatement.
I was so caught up in my own internal struggle, I was still not even sure I caught my teacher's name correctly. Not to mention anything he was actually trying to teach us. Every word he spoke seemed to die just before it was supposed to reach my ears.
When the boy behind me finally stopped tapping his foot on my chair, I thought I would finally be able to gain some sense of awareness. Next thing I knew, everyone was filing out of the room even quicker than they had arrived.
I gripped the edge of the desk closest to me while everyone walked by. I kept my eyes concentrated on the grain, following the pattern of the wood as a way to distract myself. I wasn't sure how long I did it for but I suppose the whole exercise had worked a bit too well.
I nearly jumped out of my seat when two hands came down on the corners of the desk, a boy leaning down over me. My lips parted in an almost gasp and my eyes shot up to meet that of Knox's.
We kept eye contact for several endless moments, me just gaping up at him, until he finally spoke, "Are you going to stare at me all day or are we gonna go?"
"Go where?" I asked instinctively. As soon as the question left my lips, I blanched. It slipped off my tongue before I could stop it. I must have been so disoriented, or at least so mentally exhausted, that I forgot the entire reason I was enduring this torture to begin with.
"Your next class, no?" Knox asked, his tone and eyes laced with amusement.
I nodded but made no effort to move. I was still very much reeling from the past hour.
"C'mon, Annie."
Knox released his hold on my desk before leaning down and picking up my backpack that had been sitting next to the desk chair.
Numbly, as if I was a newborn deer, I wobbled on my legs as I stood back up again.
Fitting my backpack back on, Knox's fingers brushed against the skin of my neck.
I gasped at the sensation, having felt a trail of tingles where his finger had touched - or maybe I had just imagined it.
Knox briefly raised an eyebrow at my gasp before heading to the door of the classroom.
He waited in the doorway until I caught up so I could take hold of the strap of his bag.
It felt mildly demeaning, holding onto his backpack strap.
It felt a bit like a leash, like I was being taken on a walk like a dog.
Not that I necessarily thought he meant it this way but I felt embarrassed either way.
Knox glanced at me one more time as if checking that I was ready before he took a step out into the hallway.
I had forgotten Knox's words from earlier - forgotten that it would be worse than last time. I had not dwelled on this fact long enough to truly prepare myself for it. Body after body of students just wedged against each other, each trying to shove their way through the endless stream of people.
"No." I whispered, gripping the strap tighter as if Knox was now the dog on the leash and I was trying to force him to stop walking.
If Knox felt a tug, he didn't act like it.
He was about to step out with me when I tugged harder, trying my best not to be pulled after him.
I probably should have just let go instead.
I should have just let Knox go by himself for as long as it would take him to notice I wasn't behind him.
I definitely should not have gripped the strap tighter like I did.
There was no time to think about letting go by the time I had already committed to holding on tighter. I was already being pulled in after him. Right into the sea of bodies, boys and girls and everything in between pressed up against each other in every which direction.
I was pulled right into his back, hitting my face against the hard textbooks he was carrying inside his bag. I whimpered. An elbow quickly jabbed my back from someone trying to pass by. Then another one seconds later. Immediately being followed by a hard shove to my side.
I felt like I was choking. Tears were burring my vision and cascading down my face. My face, my back, and my side were stinging. I couldn't breathe. I needed to throw up. Something hit the back of my head forcing a sort of strangled cry out of my mouth.
I didn't know where I was anymore, didn't realize when we weren't in the crowd any longer. I could barely make out Knox's face when he looked down at me.
"Holy fuck. Annie, what's wrong?" His voice sounded so very distant.
I had no control of my senses anymore. I couldn't focus on anything except the incessant pounding of my head. Standing suddenly felt too difficult.
My knees buckled right out from under me. The only thing stopping me from slamming into the cold, hard tiles was Knox's quick reflexes in catching me. My vision then went completely black.
I opened my eyes in what felt like just a blink but I had far more trouble adjusting to the light.
I had been laying down on something hard.
All my limbs felt stiff as if they too had fallen asleep.
There was a dull ringing in my ears. Slowly blinking, I started to sit up but felt another wave of dizziness.
"Woah, hun. Just stay laying down for now. Keep that ice pack steady on your forehead." A soft voice spoke, coming up next to me.
"Wh-what happened?" I croaked, my mouth and throat gone completely dry.
"Seems like you had a bit of a panic attack and passed out. You're alright, though. No apparent injuries seeing as you didn't hit anything on your way down." The woman spoke again.
My vision was still blurry and it felt like no amount of blinking was helping. My head was still pounding and my skin, it burned. As the memories of what happened came flooding in, the feeling of people hitting me - touching me - returned too.
"Home." I gasped, unable to choke out a full sentence. I was aching to be back in my room - back in my bed. I felt like I was choking again.
"Yes, let me go call your mom and I'll be right back, okay?" The nurse said as she handed me a glass of water, which I gulped down immediately, before she left the room.
The door hadn't even clicked closed before I heard another person walking in. My eyes found his immediately. I didn't need to have clear vision to know who it was.
"Annie..." Knox spoke, his voice trailing off.
"Thank you for catching me." I choked out in a scratchy whisper after a few moments of tense silence.
"Don't thank me, Annie." He all but ordered.
I gulped, understanding the look he was giving me all too well.
He felt guilty. He came in here to apologize.
I could see it, not written on his face, but in his eyes.
I didn't want it, though. It wasn't his fault that I was so scared of being touched, I couldn't control myself.
The last thing I wanted was his apology so I was glad when he didn't say it, at least not out loud.
Instead, Knox twirled a single strand of my hair around his index finger before dropping it and leaving the room entirely without another word.