3
Serena had come to pick me up a short while later. She didn't ask me any questions when she picked me up nor once we got in the car. The entire ride was silent except for my occasional sniffing and the soft lull of the radio.
I knew Serena wasn't mad at me. I knew from the soft, sad smile she gave that she wasn't mad. That didn't mean I didn't still feel a bit guilty, though.
Serena worked hard with a job at a huge law firm further in the city.
I knew her job could be stressful and it certainly wasn't made easier by having to leave early so she could attend to me and all my problems. I was just one more thing on her plate and I wished so deeply I could take back the nurse calling her to bring me home. I wish I had just walked home instead.
I had no doubt in my mind that she would say it wasn't a big deal. That she would understand why I needed to leave, needed her to come get me. That didn't lessen the guilt.
Even if she wasn't mad at me, she was clearly disappointed that she had to come. If not disappointed, then very clearly sad.
We had just pulled into the driveway when she finally turned to me and broke the silence, "Annie, what happened?"
"I-I...I was trying. I really was. I made it through first period. I didn't understand anything and I couldn't focus but I stayed. I was just trying to get to my second class and I- yeah." I sighed, tugging on the ends of my hair.
Serena frowned, "I'm sorry that happened. I'm so so sorry." She paused, sighing. "I will say that I'm also so proud of you for giving it a shot. You did the best you could today and that's all I asked for."
I smiled back at her weakly. Disappointment began to seep in. She could say she was proud all she wanted to but I knew deep down she was hoping for more. Maybe my best wasn't good enough today. Maybe I needed to actually try harder.
The rest of the morning, I mainly laid in bed and tried to nap off what happened. My head still ached a bit and my eyes stung from crying. I also had to shower the second I got home. I couldn't bare the feeling the burned itself into my skin any longer.
The nap did little to help, every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was back in that hallway again. Choking, fainting, burning.
Before I knew it, it was already time to leave for my weekly therapist appointment.
I always dreaded it.
The way I would now eternally dread that hallway.
Wendy, my therapist, was a decently nice lady but there's not a single moment I can ever remember liking her. She certainly means well and I do think that she is knowledgable and trying her best to help me, but I have yet to feel like she actually understands my mind the way she thinks she does.
I hate the labels she always puts on me. It always manages to just make me feel broken and inadequate. I understand she's just trying to help but nothing she's said or done has ever felt like it's helping.
"I'll wait in the car like usual." Serena smiled at me as we pulled into the parking lot. She reached into the back seat and pulled out a book, sending me one last warm smile as I stepped out of the car.
I also hated the vibes of Wendy's office in general.
Everything was an old brown color that made it hard to tell if it was on purpose or just from aging.
The decor was so bland, it never ceased to make me feel sad and tired.
The couches, at least, could be considered comfortable if you were able to overlook how dirty they had to be.
"Annie." Wendy's smile greeted me as she opened her office door.
Stepping to the side, she let me in. I passed her quickly and plopped down on my usual spot, brining my legs up to my chest instantly.
Wendy took a seat at her desk, pulling out her usual note pad and black ink pen before speaking, "So, you started school today?"
It sounded like a question but of course Wendy knew the answer.
I just knew she was going to bring it up first thing since she was the reason I was even going in person to begin with.
I was so close to convincing Serena to let me start with online school and get better on my own time when Wendy infused her 'professional opinion' on the topic.
Serena of course grabbed at the chance and thus was the cause of my very horrible day.
I offered Wendy no response beyond a single sharp nod. I honestly had no interest in reliving what happened today but that of course was not going to matter much now because Wendy was going to do everything in her power to pull the admission out of me.
"Well...how did it go?" She pried again, staring at me so hard I felt like she was singlehandedly trying to reach the depths of my soul.
"It was fine." I stated. Obviously it wasn't fine but I really did not want to do this right now.
"Annie," Wendy sighed, "I'm not a dentist." She said, quirking a brow.
This was one of her favorite catch phrases. Always implying that getting an answer out of me was like pulling teeth, except dentists probably had an easier time with that. I know I didn't make it easy for her but I didn't think I could make it any clearer that I just don't want to talk about it.
"I passed out in the hallway." I gritted through my teeth, finally after several minutes of prolonged silence.
"Passed out? Oh my." Wendy's eyes brows shot up to her hairline. "And how did that come about?" She was scribbling away on her notepad now, glancing up occasionally as she wrote so as to prompt me to continue.
"I got anxious..." The answer felt too obvious, she should know this by now. I was one slip of the tongue away from adding 'duh' to the end of my sentence.
"Did you practice any of the techniques I taught you?" She asked, ever so slightly narrowing her eyes as he pen paused above the next line of her paper.
"Nope." I was digging my nails into my legs now, trying my best to control my irritation.
Wendy clicked her tongue but moved on, probably to come back to this after the lecture I knew I was going to receive shortly.
"What was the cause of the anxiety this time?" She asked.
She had said 'this time' with such an edge in her tone, I wanted to rip my hair out, screaming. That wouldn't go well if I didn't want to end up in the hospital, though.
"Boys. Small space. People touching me." I recited as quickly as I could, not wanting to dwell on any of them for too long. Just the brief remembrance of the feeling made my skin crawl in discomfort.
Androphobia.
Thats what Wendy calls it. An intense fear of men.
Which was not too surprising after what had happened a few months ago.
I couldn't stand them. All of them scared me.
Their hands, their faces, their voices, their presence.
I hated being in the same room as them as much as I hated breathing the same air as them.
Being stuck in such a small space. Being touched, hit, shoved by them in that hallway. That was terrifying.
This is why Wendy would never understand.
She may have a diagnosis but all that meant to her was just a word on a piece of paper.
A word that made her say certain things and tell me to make certain choices.
That did not mean she could relate, understand, or even truly sympathize with the feelings that consumed my every waking moment.
Yet, I prayed that she never would have to understand because I wouldn't wish it upon my greatest enemy.
I left the office an hour later, feeling no better than I did when I had walked in.
I could never tell Serena this, though. It was something she hoped so deeply would help me get better. I couldn't bare the idea of crushing her with knowledge that I didn't think better was an option for me. Even if it was, I knew better wasn't going to come from Wendy.
Serena knew not to ask me how it went, I never really answered her. For as much as I didn't want to upset her, I also couldn't stomach the idea of lying either. Serena eventually let it go and stopped asking altogether.
Which is why I don't know what particularly came over me this time. The car ride had been just as silent as it had been earlier and yet I found myself wanting to break it. Wanting to let Serena know that I wasn't giving up effort even if I had given up hope.
"I'll try again." I said.
I hadn't realized how abruptly I'd spoken and how random just that sentence alone sounded. It had slipped from the confines of my mind.
"Going to school." I clarified, "I will try going to school again." I reiterated the complete sentence as it was meant in my mind.
Serena smiled so broadly, it warmed me up from head to toe.
"I was hoping you would say that." She grinned.
"I don't want to give up but I know it will take time."
"Baby steps. I believe in you just as confidently now as I did this morning. Just like I said earlier, you did great today. You just have to keep trying." Serena spoke.
"I will." I promised and I meant it.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Hi friends!!! Thank you for choosing to read my book!
If you've read it before, let me answer a few questions you might have if you haven't seen my message board.
I am currently rewriting everything because even though I liked this book, I knew it wasn't my best work and I have been itching to make some adjustments.
I hope you stick around and bare with me.
I am feeling inspired and will try my best to stay consistent.
I have already been updating the next few chapters so expect another one soon! Xoxo - Kat