4
Serena dropped me off just as early as she had the day before.
This time not out of necessity but just so that I could avoid as many people as possible.
The idea worked, there were even less students mulling about than there had been yesterday.
It was only for that reason that I was able to pull myself out of the comfort of the car.
Serena yet again didn't hesitate to drive away the second I was out and the door was closed, leaving me all alone for the second time.
Regret burned in my chest. I could feel my fingernails on the brink of cutting through the first layer of the skin of my palms from how hard I was clenching my fist. I was doing this for Serena, I reminded myself.
I had to repeat this mantra in my head several times before the feeling slowly ebbed away.
Releasing a shaky breath, I looked up the front steps unsurely.
I didn't know where Knox was or if he'd even be here this early in the morning to begin with - probably not.
I also didn't know if I should expect him to help me out again today or not.
Technically the woman in the office never said how much he had to help me and considering the way yesterday went, I wouldn't be too surprised if he wanted to avoid me altogether now.
The only thing I really did know in this moment was that I absolutely did not want to walk into that hallway yet. The idea alone reignited the spark of regret along with the panic that was beginning to feel all too normal these days.
My legs wobbled slightly as I walked up the steps. It was as if my own body wanted to fight me from heading any closer to this place. I wasn't going inside yet, though. For now I was just content enough to sit outside on one of the benches near the main doors.
I was grateful to sit down, letting out a small sigh of relief at no longer standing on my unreliable legs.
It wasn't until I sat down that I realized it probably wasn't my smartest decision to wait in this exact spot.
Being directly next to the main entrance of the school meant a lot of foot traffic, a lot of people walking right past me.
Maybe even looking at me. It felt too late to move now.
I couldn't gather enough strength to go somewhere else, not that I even knew where else I would go anyways.
So I sat in that same spot for who knows how long. I didn't move an inch save for the wringing of my hands together. Not even my eyes shifted, completely focused on the same spot of concrete in front of my feet.
Just because I couldn't see everyone passing by didn't meant I couldn't hear them. Every scuffling shoe, every conversation, every deep sigh just amplified my own terror. I thought I could manage ignoring everything but every time the door opened, my eye uncontrollably twitched.
I tried everything I could think of to distract myself.
I dug my nails into my thighs, hoping the pain would make everyone else not seem as bad in comparison.
I counted down from 100 for no reason other than my therapist had suggested it once - it didn't work.
I even tried recanting my mantra but it didn't feel as significant as it had before I had sat down.
I could feel people looking me this time too. My skin prickled with discomfort at the thought.
I couldn't really blame them. I probably looked really odd sitting here with my head faced down to the ground and my body slightly shaking. I probably looked like a freak.
My eyes started filling with tears I couldn't control. I don't know why I thought I could do this again so soon. The day hadn't even truly started yet and I was already panicking. I should've known I wasn't ready to be here. Embarrassment coated me, making me redden.
A throat cleared in front me, two large shoes stepping into my previously undisturbed view.
I jumped in my own skin at the sound. My head snapped up, connecting my tear-filled eyes with Knox's. He frowned down at me, almost certainly confused as to why I was already crying so soon. His eyes were questioning and he tilted his head ever so slightly.
My mouth dried, any words of greeting seemed impossible to manage.
"Good morning, Annie." Knox spoke, his voice just as gravely as the day before. His face seemed to be set in stone - thinking.
I swallowed harshly, nodding my head at him. The tears that had been starting to blur my vision slowly started subsiding. I felt shy now under his stare. Somehow knowing that at least some of his thoughts had to be about me, about the state of me, made me all the more self-conscious.
"The bell just rung." He stated, gesturing with his hand toward the front door.
I must not have heard it among all my internal panic. I drew in a sharp breath. I knew I would eventually have to face going to class but I couldn't help to wish that the moment would never come. I didn't move. Instead I stared blankly ahead, plagued with unease.
"I don't want to." I whispered, staring at the last few students scurrying through the doors.
Knox frowned again, staring down at me as he absorbed my words. I couldn't bare to look up at him again. I pulled at the ends of my hair, my knee starting to bounce of its own accord.
"Come." Knox broke the stiff air between us. His tone firm and his face completely serious.
I wanted to protest. He didn't understand what I was feeling right now. He had no right to tell me what to do, no right to ignore what I want. However, the fight I wanted to give died at the presence of his raised eyebrow.
I gulped, trying my best to suppress the oncoming embarrassment. I stood up trembling slightly. Knox looked like he was about to offer his hand but thought better of it.
"The hallway will be mostly empty now but hold the bottom of my shirt if you want to." Knox spoke again, his voice as soft as I could think it capable of being.
I nodded my head, ever so slightly reassured, before lightly taking hold of his t-shirt.
My fingers anxiously fiddled with the stitching as we both started walking.
I was grateful for the alternative to the backpack strap.
It had been a good idea at the time but it also was easier for me to end up farther away from Knox - easier to get lost or hurt.
Holding his shirt may have forced me to be much much closer to him, but it practically guaranteed more safety.
With the way people hurried to get out of his way, being closer to Knox in this hallway certainly felt like a good thing.
Knox had been right. The hallways held very few lingering students which allowed us to walk completely freely. The calm quiet of classes being in session allowed me to relax my shoulders as we walked.
I hadn't been paying attention to where we were going until we reached the familiar door of the front office. It was only once we were inside that I felt comfortable enough to let go of his shirt.
Knox walked straight up the desk where the same woman as yesterday sat. I lingered closely behind him, peaking over his shoulder at the woman in slight confusion as to why we had come in here again so soon.
"Linda." Knox drew her attention, redirecting her usual beaming smile towards us.
"What can I do for you, Knox?" Her eyes twinkled as she spotted me behind him.
"I need Annie's schedule like mine." He all but demanded.
"Oh?" Her smile didn't falter. "And why is that?"
"You asked me to show Annie around. I can't do that and get to all of my classes at the same time." His tone was unwavering, as if he was daring Linda to argue with him.
I shifted on my feet, looking between the two of them as the spoke. It seems my presence was quickly forgotten. All I could think about was the fact that I was so glad that Knox's intensive stare and unwavering tone was not directed at me. Even if Linda did seem to be handling it well.
"Oh, well that certainly isn't good, is it? Well, if you can't do it, Knox, maybe I could find someone on the welcoming committee to take over. They are better trained for this kind of thing anyways." Linda tilted her head, matching Knox's challenge.
"That's not necessary." Knox practically grit out.
I bit my lip, growing increasingly more uncomfortable with his display of frustration.
"You'd have to get a meeting with her counselor in order to make any class changes. You know that already, Knox."
"Linda," Knox took a deep breath. "We both know that you are able to change it without a counselor. You asked me to help Annie and I'm doing it."
Linda considered Knox's words for several tense seconds. It seemed he finally said something that Linda had wanted to hear because she started typing away at her computer again, another smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
"Fine, but don't tell Principle Hendrick." She said shaking her finger.
Five minutes later, Linda slid a new copy of my schedule across the counter. Knox snatched it off the counter before I could even make any move to grab it. He stuffed it in his back pocket before letting out a gruff 'thank you' and turning away to leave.
My mouth parted and eyes widened, having to quickly latch back onto him as he started walking out. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to feel relieved about his guaranteed continued presence or not but it seemed like I wasn't getting much choice in the matter regardless.
The bell seemed to have rung again without my notice or maybe it just doesn't ring in the office.
Either way, the hall was back to how I had experienced it yesterday.
Knox seemed to think better of trying to fight our way through like last time and instead we stood in the alcove of the office door, waiting for it to clear out a bit more before walking again.
There were still a lot of students hurrying by but once the bulk of them had gone down, Knox started walking with me still almost in step with him.
He weaved us through with a lot more ease this time.
Not a single person glanced our direction nor did I find myself being a jostled a single time.
I almost relished in being able to hide slightly behind Knox's shoulder.
The entire experience had been so difference from the last; so much so that I even found myself thinking that maybe this boy - just this one - wasn't so bad after all.