7. Keyshawn
“Another double shot of bourbon, please,” I ordered to the bartender.
The man gave me a raised brow, but he poured my shot anyway. I lifted the glass to my lips and gulped down the strong liquor.
Why the fuck did I make her choose? I shouldn’t have given her the ultimatum because as soon as I uttered the words, dread filled my core. It wasn’t right for me to force her to make a decision between me and higher education. It wasn’t right for me to make her feel any emotion other than joy or pride of such an amazing accomplishment. However, my selfishness and insecurities fueled my actions. The fear of losing her made me act out in a way I wasn’t prepared to experience the consequences of.
Now, I sat at the bar, drowning my emotions with a bottle of bourbon. The bottle wouldn’t provide the comfort or reassurance I craved.
A man seated a few seats down spoke animatedly on the phone. He waved his hands. It felt like he was on the phone with me by the volume of his words.
“Nigga, shut the fuck up!” I shouted as I slammed my cup onto the bar counter. “The whole city can hear your damn conversation. Take that loud ass shit outside.”
The man looked at me with wide eyes. “Hold on, Jeremy. I’ll call you right back.” He hung up his phone and eyed me with a smirk on his lips. “What’s your issue, son?”
“Son? I’m not your son, and you damn sure aren’t my father.”
“You’re acting like a little boy, so I’m calling you what I see.”
I stood up and made the bar stool fall to the floor. “Say that shit to my face.”
His smirk pulled into a cocky grin. “Look here, young man. You don’t know who the hell I am. I’ll lay your ass out like a pancake.”
“I’d love to see you try.” My teeth gritted together as I pulled up my pants and advanced on him.
“Krash!” The familiar voice almost made me pause.
Am I hallucinating? There was no way Bernice was at the bar, right? I rolled my shoulders before I squared up with the man who had the confidence of the world on his face.
“Don’t do that shit in my bar,” the bartender stated.
“Don’t worry, Rick. I’m going to lay his ass out without any damages to the bar,” the man said confidently. He squared up with me.
“I’m going to call the police. Neither one of you need to throw a punch, or y’all will be banned from my establishment,” the bartender, Rick, threatened.
“That’s not necessary, sir. I apologize on his behalf for his behavior.”
Bernice stepped in front of me and addressed the bartender. She wasn’t a hallucination. She was really here.
“I’m sorry, sir,” she addressed the other man. “Please continue to enjoy your night. He’ll be leaving.”
“Man, fuck that nigga. He was the one causing a problem?—”
“And I’m here to provide a solution. Come on.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the bar. I didn’t protest because I didn’t have the energy to argue with my lady—or rather ex-lady at this point.
When we got to my car, she dug into my pocket in search of the keys.
“You’re going to drive?” I asked with a raised brow.
“You’re not getting behind the wheel,” she replied. “I know how to drive, Keyshawn.”
She unlocked the car and pushed me into the passenger seat. My head spun as I tried to buckle my seat belt. She got tired of watching me struggle and leaned over to snap the belt in place. Her scent was fruity, the distinct smell of her bodywash. I closed my eyes and inhaled. Her scent immediately lulled me into a calm I hadn’t felt in weeks.
She climbed into the driver’s seat and adjusted the driver’s seat, steering wheel, and mirrors. She made sure she could see clearly before she pulled out onto the main road.
Had this been a sober moment, I would have been proud of my baby for making the drive home. However, patches of my memory were missing because one moment, I watched the city lights through the window, and the next, I felt the soft, silk pillowcase touch the side of my face.
My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room. The headache in the morning would be inevitable. Bernice’s soft, gentle hands caressed my face.
“Krash, you can’t do this, baby…” she said in a voice barely above a whisper.
My eyes closed as the pain of my actions weighed heavily on my chest. “I know…”
“This doesn’t have to be the end,” she stated.
“I can’t do long distance, Bern. I won’t be content with a couple FaceTime calls and text messages. I need you by my side. I need you here with me.”
Her eyes were soft as her manicured fingers found the nape of my neck and caressed the skin softly.
“I’m not putting my education on hold for a relationship, no matter how in love I am with you.” She gulped as she blinked away the tears in her eyes.
“So this is it? We’ve only lived in the apartment together for a few weeks. You’re going to move out?”
“I have the whole semester left, Krash. However, if you don’t want me here until it’s time for me to go then… I guess I can pack up and find somewhere else to go.”
I smacked my lips. “I don’t want you to go anywhere else, Bern. I do know how awkward shit can be when we know we’re on a path to nowhere. I would still love to have you in my life until you move away.”
“You confuse me, Krash.”
I licked my bottom lip and shifted in the bed. A deep sigh passed through my lips. “You know I’ve been through a lot of shit, Bern. From my mama to my dad, I’ve been abandoned and abused by folks who were supposed to love me unconditionally because I ain’t ask to be born. You’re the only positive aspect of my life. I’m not sure I’ll survive on my own without your light to guide me. I don’t want you to leave, and I know there’s no place out there for me. My boxing career is about to take off. I can’t switch gears now.”
“I know you’ve been through a lot, baby. You were dealt a shitty hand, but you’ve made the most of it thus far. Just like you have a budding career here, I have a promising career at the technology school. This is important to me, like boxing is to you.” She rubbed my cheek with the back of her hand before she leaned forward and gave me a gentle kiss.
We remained silent for a long time. I couldn’t do the long distance. I trusted Bern with my life, but niggas could be persuasive. She’d be around other people who loved to do the things she loved, and I didn’t stand a chance against them.
“I don’t want what we have to be over, but I think we’ve hit the end of our relationship, Keyshawn. We can’t find a common ground, and neither of us want to compromise our futures. It’s okay.” She sniffed and wiped away stray tears.
“I guess we better make the most of the semester then, huh?”
“Definitely.”
The pain in my heart felt permanent. The pressure in my chest, fueled by the liquor in my system, made me shut my eyes. We were really going to part ways at the end of the semester, less than five months.
God, please protect my heart and soul from further pain.
The throbbing in my head made me groan as I woke up the next morning. My mind instantly replayed last night’s events, and dread crept through my body and rested in my chest. It would be hard to live under the same roof as Bernice when we both knew the inevitable demise of our relationship.
The sound of the smoke detector going off made me sit up straight. I jumped out of bed and rushed into the kitchen. Smoke filled the air as Bernice struggled to get the smoke detector to stop beeping.
“Move out the way, Bern.” I gently pushed her out the way as I turned off the stove and moved the burned sausage links into a bowl. I put the scorched pan into the sink and applied water. The sizzle of the pan was loud as smoke rose higher. I opened the patio door and allowed the smoke to clear. I fanned the smoke detector with a towel and looked over at Bern who had a defeated expression on her face.
“I’m sorry, Keyshawn,” she whimpered.
“What are you apologizing for?” I asked.
“I wanted to make you breakfast in bed because I figured you’d wake up with a hangover… I guess I made it worse with the alarms going off and the stench of burnt breakfast meat.”
“You don’t cook,” I pointed out.
“I didn’t think it would be so hard,” she admitted.
“I appreciate the gesture. We can go to iHop or Waffle House to get me right. I’ll even let you drive since you’re such a pro.” I smirked.
“You remembered that?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I guess before you leave me forever, we can work on getting you your license. You might need to get you a whip out there.”
“I’d appreciate that a lot.”
“Fa sho. Let me get dressed and we can head out.”
She nodded. “Okay. I’ll clean up while you get ready.”
I leaned in for a kiss, but she stepped back. I bit down on my bottom lip as I looked into her eyes.
“We can’t kiss anymore?” I asked.
She shrugged. “It’ll be weird… Why would we still act like a couple if we know we’re not going to be together when I have to move at the end of the summer?”
A sigh slid from my lips. “I’m not going to lie and say I understand what you’re saying. However, I will say I respect your decision to put the boundary in place.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s not my choice, but it’s the smart thing to do. We need to minimize the heartbreak when we have to call it quits, so why not start the transition now?”
“I hear you.”
“Putting the blame on me is fucking bananas,” she argued.
“How is it bananas when this is your decision?”
She chuckled, but there was no amusement present in her tone. “You won’t gaslight me into thinking this is my fault. I didn’t think I would be accepted into the program, but I was, and it’s a huge accomplishment. I didn’t think my man would make my greatest achievement turn into an ultimatum to choose between him and my education, but you did. Now, as I set boundaries for the decision we both made, I refuse to let you make me feel like the bad guy for protecting my heart. I refuse to let you make me feel like the bad guy for protecting my mind. I’ll go crazy if I have to stop loving you cold turkey.”
Her words swarmed through my head. The pleading look in her eyes broke my soul into pieces. She had a point, but I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to go along with her terms, because I didn’t want to accept our fate. God couldn’t have meant for Bern to only be a temporary person in my life. She was supposed to be my forever. How could I ever agree to letting her slowly slip away from me?
I had to do something to change her mind or make her wait for me until she came home.Bernice was my soulmate. Our story couldn’t conclude because we were too passionate about our future careers. Our story couldn’t end because neither one of us wanted to compromise. We’d find a way to save our relationship… right?