Chapter Twelve
Rory
Friday, May 29
RORY ARRIVED AT Lyons behind Bernard. Bernard stood by his truck, waiting.
“Hey, Bernard,” he said.
“Hi,” Bernard said.
“Ready to get something to eat?”
“Let’s go.”
Rory led the way to his colleagues, who waited outside the entrance. Rory wondered how long it would take to get a table, since he and Bernard disliked booths.
“Hey, Rory,” Jeff said.
“Hey, everyone. I want you to meet an old friend of mine, Bernard.”
Everyone shook hands and introduced themselves. Nicolas walked over and put his name in with the host. Rory could swear he slipped a twenty to the host.
“They’ll have a table for us in about ten minutes,” Nicolas said.
“Thanks, Nicolas,” Sophia said.
“So, Bernard, what do you do?” Davi asked.
“I’m an actuary for an insurance company here in San Jose,” Bernard said.
“Oh, a math guy, nice,” Jeff said.
They made small talk until the host called Nicolas’s name.
The group sat down and ordered drinks. Bernard ordered a soda.
“Not having a drink?” Nicolas asked.
“Oh, no. I don’t drink anymore,” Bernard said.
“Why?” Nicolas asked.
“Nicolas, I don’t think that’s any of our business,” Davi said.
“No, it’s okay. I had trouble with drinking a while back,” Bernard said. “So I don’t drink anymore.”
Rory helped pick up the pieces the last time Bernard spiraled. His ex, Tracy, cheated on him with some eighteen-year-old guy fresh out of high school. Emilio found Bernard and called nine-one-one. Bernard spent the night in the hospital.
Rory, along with Sarah and John, helped get Bernard sober and back on track. Bernard swore off drinking after that. Rory went to grad school the following year. He hadn’t seen Bernard since. A pang of guilt hit his gut. He wanted to tell Bernard the real reason he cut ties but couldn’t face him.
“Oh, my mom was like that,” Jeff said. “She doesn’t drink at all. If she does, she has trouble controlling it. Good for you for recognizing it and working on it. That’s amazing.”
Rory had to give it to Jeff. The man could make anyone feel comfortable around him.
The server brought their drinks, and they ordered food and the work talk started.
“I thought our generator wasn’t going to start,” Jeff admitted.
“What?” Sophia pointed her straw at him. “You, the man who reassured us it would work even if it caught fire, thought it wouldn’t work?”
“Well, we all have doubts sometimes,” Davi said.
“The good news is, we are all now graduates with our master’s degrees in electrical engineering.” Rory held up his drink, and they all clinked glasses and cheered.
Their food came, and the conversation died down as they ate. Rory dug into his steak and potatoes. His mother would be furious if she knew he was eating like this. He watched as Bernard ate his burger and fries, his go-to meal. Rory smiled.
He took a drink and caught Sophia’s eye. She smiled. Her eyes shifted to Bernard and back to him. He furrowed his brow, unable to decipher her meaning.
Rory turned to Bernard and caught sight of the food in his beard.
“You got something … ” He pointed at a spot on Bernard’s face.
“Where?” Bernard wiped at areas of his face, missing the crumb.
“I’ll get it.” Rory grabbed the napkin and wiped it off. “There, it’s gone.”
“Thank you.” Bernard smiled.
“No problem.”
They finished up and perused the dessert menu.
“I have to use the restroom and wash up. Can you order me a slice of apple pie with vanilla ice cream?” Bernard asked Rory.
“Sure thing.”
Rory watched him walk away. His thick body filled out his polo and jeans well. Bernard deserved to find someone who loved him. He was a kind and generous man. Jason and Tracy had broken him.
“So, I thought you were straight?” Sophia asked.
“I am,” Rory said.
“Remember when we talked about flirting?” Sophia asked.
“Yes, and how that Chance guy was not really flirting, just trying to get into bed with me.”
Sophia pointed at him, then to the restroom. “That was flirting.”
“What was flirting?”
“The interactions between you and Bernard,” Jeff said.
“I…wait, what? I wasn’t flirting,” Rory said, his voice pitching the statement slightly into a question.
“Yes, you were,” Sophia laughed. “You like Bernard. You’ve been eying him all night.”
“He’s an old friend I reconnected with. I didn’t get to see him for six years while I was in grad school. We’ve known each other since middle school.”
“Great. How long have you been in love with him?” Davi asked.
“You too?” Rory said. He wiped his palms on his pants. “I’m not in love with Bernard.”
“You laughed at every one of his jokes, no matter how bad. You put your arm on his shoulder at least three times in the last hour. And I swear I saw you put your hand on his knee at least once,” Nicolas said.
“No, I didn’t,” Rory protested.
“Yes, you did,” they all said.
“We’ve been around him for two hours and we noticed,” Sophia said.
“I think you two would make a handsome couple. It’s so sweet,” Jeff said.
“He was flirting with you too,” Davi said.
“What?” Rory asked.
“Yeah, when you went to the restroom, he checked out your butt,” Sophia said.
“He also blushed when you wiped the food off his face. It was so adorable,” Jeff said.
“You should ask him out,” Sophia said.
“I…I’m not gay.” Rory turned away.
“Fine, you’re not gay,” Nicolas said. “But you’re not straight either. I’d say somewhere in between.”
“No, I mean…” Rory sputtered.
“Look, Rory.” Jeff put his hand on his shoulder. “We’ve worked together for three years. I’ve never seen you talk with someone the way you do with him. You might not be ready, and that’s fine, but we see how you look at him. You may not see it, but there’s something there.”
“Rory, don’t let him get away,” Sophia said.
“He’s the real deal,” Davi agreed.
“But I can’t.” Sweat pooled on his neck. His heart raced. He grabbed napkins to clean off his skin.
“Rory, we’re sorry,” Jeff said. “We didn’t know this was such a touchy subject.” He removed his hand.
“Rory, it’s okay,” Sophia said. “I know it isn’t easy for you. We shouldn’t have pushed.”
“We won’t bring it up again,” Nicolas said.
Rory sat there, unable to form words. Were they right? Could he have romantic feelings for Bernard? It crossed his mind. He and Bernard were just friends, and Bernard would accept him. Could it work? Could he and Bernard have a future? He needed to know.
Bernard returned to the table as the server brought their desserts. “I hope you weren’t talking about me,” he joked.
Everyone fell silent and looked at their food.
“I was just kidding,” Bernard said. “What did you talk about?”
“We talked about how long you and I have been friends,” Rory said.
“I can’t believe you’ve known each other since middle school,” Sophia said.
Rory smiled at her uptake. She was clever.
“Yeah, we met in seventh grade,” Bernard said.
“Our names were next to each other in the alphabet, and we got paired together,” Rory said.
“We had so much in common that we became friends,” Bernard said.
“That’s so cute.” Sophia looked over at Rory. “So much in common.”
Rory shifted his gaze away from her.
“I’m so glad we became friends. I wouldn’t want to be called after anyone else at graduation.”
The group looked at Rory. Their gazes all said the same thing. He had feelings for Bernard.
“You need to look in your heart and find your true self before you implode,” Davi said as he hugged Rory goodbye.
“Thank you,” Rory said.
His friends left Rory and Bernard alone in the parking lot.
“This was a fun evening. Your colleagues are great,” Bernard said.
“I think we’ve all grown past just being colleagues,” Rory said. “I see them as my friends now. They’ve done so much to pull me out of my shell.”
“That’s great. I’m so happy to hear it.”
“So, it’s still early. Do you want to see a movie?” Rory asked.
He wanted to spend time with Bernard.
“Yeah, what did you have in mind?”
“Well, I remember you like romantic movies, and I saw that Hope Floats was playing at the theater. I looked at movie times and there’s a showing in twenty minutes.”
“You’re not big on romantic movies though,” Bernard said.
“True, but I know you like them. Since you spent the evening with me and my friends, I wanted to do something you’d enjoy,” Rory said.
He was flirting with his childhood best friend. Someone who occupied his mind, even when they were apart. Six years didn’t change his feelings. Feelings he was discovering were more than he’d once thought. He wanted to know where this could go, but doubt crept in. His family and his church disapproved of these feelings.
“Okay, let’s go.”
*
THEY GOT POPCORN , soda, and nachos and walked into the theater. Only two couples occupied the seats. They sat in the back for a better view.
As Birdee, played by Sandra Bullock, tried to get her life together back home, Rory noticed how often he touched Bernard’s hand on the shared armrest. Each touch sent chills up his arm. The urge to hold his hand overwhelmed him. He placed his hand over Bernard’s. Bernard didn’t move his hand. Rory’s heart thumped against his chest. The warmth of Bernard’s hand soothed him. It felt right.
What am I doing? I can’t. He moved his hand off to grab a handful of popcorn.
*
THEY WALKED OUT of the theater. “That was pretty good,” Rory said.
“Yeah, I enjoyed it.”
Rory thought about the warmth of Bernard’s hand. Bernard didn’t mention it. Did he make a mistake? Should he have left it there? Not put it on the armrest in the first place? He didn’t know what he should do. He’d never flirted before and wasn’t sure what to do.
They stood next to Rory’s car after the movie.
“Thanks for the movie.” Bernard smiled.
Rory wanted to kiss him. His soft lips called to him.
“It was nice.” Rory moved in for a hug.
He squeezed. He held back the urge to pull away and kiss his friend. His mind raced, conflicted between what the church taught was right and what felt right. His stomach ached at being this close to him and unable to be with him. The church had conditioned him, and he couldn’t escape their grasp.
“So, do you want to meet at the park tomorrow?” Rory asked.
“I can’t,” Bernard said. “I’m going to a ball game with Sean.”
“Who’s Sean?”
“He’s…” Bernard paused. “I’m going to be honest. He’s someone I had a date with a year ago. I reconnected with him after I ran into you because I thought I needed more friends.”
“That’s wonderful.” Rory’s heart ached. He feared this. Bernard didn’t want him. This Sean guy had to be Bernard’s type. It wasn’t Rory. There was no reason to mention Eddie to him now, he’d found someone.
I should be happy he’s found someone. Why does it hurt so much? Why can’t I get it together?
“I haven’t been to a game in over a year,” Bernard said. “Oh, and I wanted to ask a favor. John’s cousin Kelly is moving next weekend. Would you be able to help?”
“Sure, I’d love to help,” he said. “I have to attend mass and lunch with my parents, but I’m free the rest of the time.”
Anything that gets me more time with you.
“Great, stop by my house in the morning and we’ll drive together.”
They hugged once more, and Rory headed home. Tears filled his eyes. He’d wanted to kiss Bernard only moments ago, but that was a mistake. Bernard wanted someone else. He wiped away the tears.
I can’t come out now. The only person I want to be with doesn’t want to be with me.
Rory entered his apartment, and Mina made her way to his shoulder.
“Hey, baby girl.” He petted her. “I had a wonderful evening that showed me I’m attracted to my best friend. But he wants nothing more than to be friends with me.” It felt good to say it out loud even if it was just to his cat.
Rory busied himself with cleaning his apartment. Mina hid from the vacuum cleaner.
“There, all clean,” he told her.
He prepared for bed and lay there after he read his Bible.
“Dear Lord, please guide me,” he prayed. “Why am I attracted to someone I can’t be with? Why can’t I find a woman I’m attracted to? I can’t give in to these urges. It’s a sin in your eyes and in the eyes of my family. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.”
For the first time in years, Rory cried. He lay in bed, unable to sleep. His body hurt. His heart hurt. Why couldn’t he have the same feelings for a woman as he did for Bernard? Every moment with him was bliss. He stared at the ceiling, contemplating what these feelings meant. He wanted nothing more than to talk to Bernard about it. Bernard wouldn’t judge him. But if he told him, then it might become awkward.
Rory’s mind wandered to a life with Bernard. His hugs were a sanctuary. He felt vulnerable and open. That must be what love is. But that’s not what Bernard wanted. He had to face the fact Bernard didn’t want him.