Chapter Fourteen
Rory
Sunday, May 31
THE SERVICE ENDED , and Rory’s family shuffled out of their pews.
“What a lovely service,” his mother said.
“It was very nice,” his father agreed.
“Okay, let’s get home,” his mother said.
“Mother, Father, I need to talk to the priest. I’ll meet you at home for lunch,” Rory said.
“Is something wrong?” his mother asked.
“No, nothing wrong. I’ll see you at home.” Rory kissed his mother on the cheek and shook his father’s hand before heading back into the church.
“Don’t be too long. I’ve invited the Jenkinses for lunch,” his mother said.
“Yes, ma’am.”
Rory moved through the side aisles to avoid the crowd of people leaving the church. He went to sit on the bench next to the door for confessionals. The priest opened the door and walked inside. No one else seemed to want to confess this morning, so Rory went in.
The large room held a desk and chair, two small wooden-backed chairs, a basin with holy water, statues of various saints, and a large cabinet against the back wall.
One side was for those proclaiming their sins while the priest sat on the other side. Rory slipped in. The booth was tight around his girth, and he knelt toward the dark screen. It was claustrophobic in the room, the air dry and musky.
“Good evening, my child. Our Lord is watching over you and will bless you on this day. How may I assist in helping you redeem yourself?”
Rory placed his fingers in the holy water next to him and signed the cross. He spoke the words engraved in his mind.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been twenty days since my last confession.”
“I see, my child. What sins do you wish to confess today?”
“I am guilty of the sin of lust in my heart and my mind.”
“Have you acted upon this lust?”
The touch of Bernard in the pool at Sarah’s party gave him a partial erection. He couldn’t control it, but he didn’t fight against it.
“No, Father, it’s just thoughts.”
“Well, we cannot always control our thoughts. It is good that you have realized this is happening and have restrained yourself from acting upon these desires. Please, tell me more.”
“The lust I have felt…” Rory hesitated. Speaking the words out loud made them true. He would have to admit to what he desired. His stomach tightened.
“The road to healing begins with confessing our sins. So please, tell me the lust of your heart and mind so that you may begin the healing process.”
“I have lust for one of my close friends,” Rory said.
“Does she not desire you?”
“It is not a she, Father.”
“Oh, I see. Tell me all that you remember.”
“I met back up with an old friend, one from school. We met up at his father’s barbecue in April. We spent time together at the park and last weekend we went to a movie together. Hanging out and reconnecting has been such a wonderful experience, especially after our estrangement the last six years.”
“Okay, seems most innocent. But I feel there is more to this.”
“Yes, Father,” Rory said. “I feel like my love for him might be more than that of a friendship. It’s that of…” Sweat covered Rory’s palms. His breathing was shallow, and he gasped for air. “Father, I don’t want to go to hell for the feelings I have. But I’ve had these feelings for more than the last few days. I care about my friend in a deeper way than I should. I placed my hand on his hand at the movie and it felt right. I wanted to kiss him. I don’t know what to do.”
“It will be okay, my son. Do you have these thoughts when he’s not near you?”
Rory hesitated. The confessional was a safe place, and the priest wouldn’t share what he said. He needed to be honest.
“Yes, they’re not as strong, but they are there. I’ve had similar thoughts about other men, but it’s stronger with my friend. I’ve never had these thoughts about women. Why would God give me these feelings if they were wrong?”
“We cannot question the decisions of God, my son. It is a way of testing you, as we all face our own tests.”
This was a big test. God gave him no desire to be with women, which he should have. Why would God give him such a difficult test? One that would destroy friendships and his life, no matter which choice he made.
“Thank you, Father. I am sorry for all my sins.”
“That is good, my son. Now, ask God for forgiveness.”
“My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy.”
“Good. Now for your penance. The only way to rid yourself of these thoughts and feelings is to distance yourself from the source of the sins. You shall remove yourself from the company of your friend until a time comes when you can sit with him without lust in your heart.”
Rory gaped at the screen. “But Father–”
The priest interrupted him. “This is the will of God. If you are truly remorseful for your sins, you will do what is required in order to heal.”
“Yes, Father.” With those last words, Rory made the sign of the cross again and left the confessional.
*
RORY TOOK A seat at his parents’ elaborate dinner table. Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins sat at one end, while his parents sat at the other. Duncan, Catherine, and Penelope sat across from Rory and Missy.
Rory’s mother served lamb chops with spiced potatoes, green beans, and wine.
“Rory just finished his master’s degree in electrical engineering this year,” his mother announced. “We’re so proud of what he has accomplished.”
“That’s wonderful,” Mrs. Jenkins said.
“That is quite the accomplishment,” Mr. Jenkins said.
“Thank you,” Rory said.
“And what do you do with that sort of degree?” Missy asked, batting her eyes at him.
“Dr. Sanchez offered me a position at San Jose State in the engineering department,” Rory said. “He wants me to teach lower division courses for undergraduates in electrical engineering.”
“How fascinating,” Missy said.
“That’s amazing, son, I’m proud of you,” his father said.
“Thank you, Father.”
“So, now that you have your degree out of the way and a career on the horizon, you should start thinking about settling down,” his mother said.
“Maeve, please leave him alone about dating,” his father said.
“I just want him to be happy,” she retorted.
“We have company. I don’t think this is the time or place to discuss our son’s dating habits,” his father snapped.
Rory was taken aback. His father, who always stayed calm and collected, just raised his voice to his mother.
“I think it’s time he finds someone,” she said.
“Missy is also of an age at which she should be married,” Mrs. Jenkins interjected. “I have to agree with Mrs. Sinclair. Our children need our guidance to be happy.”
“You see, Ronan. Rory has a nice young lady here. There is no reason—”
Rory cut her off. “Mother, I don’t want to talk about it.”
His parents, brother, and sister-in-law looked at him. Rory‘s hands flew to his mouth. He had disobeyed her. The ultimate sin in their house. This would not go well.
“You watch your tone, young man. I’m still your mother.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry,” Rory said, his face focused on his plate.
He looked up to see Mr. Jenkins and his father share a glance.
“Maeve, it’s Sunday lunch. We should talk about joyous things,” his father said.
“I’m trying to make it happy. I don’t see why discussing our son’s future is unhappy. At thirty-five years old, he should be married with children by now.”
“He’s not a child. He can make his own decisions,” his father said.
Mr. Jenkins and Duncan shifted in their seats. The tension in the room grew thick. Rory sat there listening to them talk as if he wasn’t there. His family often discussed what he should do with his life, who he should marry, and what career he should have. No one ever asked Rory what he wanted.
His mother perked up. “I have banana cream pie.”
“Oh, that sounds delicious,” Mrs. Jenkins said.
“That was a great lunch. Why don’t the men head out for a stroll and let the ladies have some pie and talk? We’ll come back for pie,” his father said.
“That sounds good, Father,” Duncan said.
“Yes, sir,” Rory said.
“Okay, we’ll save you each a slice.” Mrs. Jenkins smiled.
Rory, his father, Duncan, and Mr. Jenkins headed to the park where Rory and his father had had a heart-to-heart. The spring sun warmed his face.
“I’m sorry for the way my wife is acting,” his father said.
“It’s not your fault,” Mr. Jenkins said. “Mary is just as bad. She is trying to push Missy into marriage with every bachelor she can find.”
“Dad, can I talk to Rory alone?” Duncan asked.
“Of course.”
Duncan led Rory to a bench and turned to him.
“You don’t want to date girls.” Duncan didn’t phrase it as a question.
Sweat broke out on Rory’s forehead. “What do you mean?”
“We’re brothers. I’ve known you my whole life. You’re not going to sit there and tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about. You know how you feel.”
What did he feel? He had lust in his heart for someone he could never be with. No matter how much it hurt to be apart from Bernard, he couldn’t pursue him.
“It doesn’t matter what I feel. It’s better to be alone than to be in an unhappy relationship with someone I don’t love. That’s it.”
“So, you’d rather be alone and sad than be with someone you love?”
“That’s how it has to be,” Rory said. “There is no other choice.”
“There’s always a choice. You make the choice.”
“No, God makes the choice. I would rather live a life of solitude than live in sin and destroy my relationship with God.” Rory found his conviction. His feelings for Bernard could never flourish. He had to fight the unnatural urges that boiled inside him.
“You have to look within yourself and ask yourself what God truly wants of you, not what you’re told he wants,” Duncan said. “I saw how you looked at Eddie at Penelope’s party. It was the same look I had when I saw an attractive woman.”
“What?”
“You two were getting along so well. I just thought…”
“I thought you meant for me to set him up with Bernard.” Rory was mystified.
“No.”
Rory’s head swam. Duncan was trying to set him up with Eddie. That wasn’t possible. Why would he think something like that?
“I can’t…I can’t be…you know. I can’t disappoint Mother and Father.”
“You can’t live your life just for them,” Duncan said.
“You couldn’t possibly understand.” Rory stood, panic filling his lungs with lead. “Mother and Father don’t question you. You have a wife and daughter and a career, and I’m treated like every choice I make is wrong.”
“That’s not my fault.” Duncan stood to match him.
“I’m not saying it’s your fault,” Rory said. “But you don’t know what it’s like to hear ‘you’re too fat,’ ‘why is college taking you so long,’ ‘why aren’t you dating that sweet girl we set you up with?’” He mocked his mother’s voice. “I have to hear that from Mother every other day. There’s always something wrong. What do you think will happen if she finds out…”
“If she finds out what?” Duncan asked. “It’s okay to say it.”
“I’m afraid of being disowned.” Rory broke. The sentence drove a stake through his heart. Tears formed in his eyes. He wobbled on his feet, unable to find the bench.
Duncan rushed to him and placed an arm around him to steady him.
“I’m sorry, Rory. I didn’t mean to push this much.”
“I can’t be…I can’t be.” Rory’s throat closed up.
“Just breathe. It’s going to be okay.”
Rory’s breaths were shallow as he searched for the words. The park blurred as tears clouded his vision. He could make out his father and Mr. Jenkins talking. They were getting closer. They reached him and Duncan at the bench.
“What’s wrong?” His father and Duncan helped Rory up on the bench.
“I’m. Okay.” Rory got out between panicked breaths.
“What happened?” Mr. Jenkins stood next to his father.
“Rory wasn’t feeling well. I think he was just overwhelmed by everything going on. It was probably the pressure of the new job. I think it passed,” Duncan said.
Rory gave his brother a weak smile. He’d keep this conversation between them.
“Son, is everything okay?” his father asked.
“I just need to lie down,” Rory said.
They helped Rory back to the house.
“Oh dear, what happened to Rory?” his mother asked as they shuffled into the house.
“He had a dizzy spell. He’ll be okay,” his father said. “We’ll set him up in the guest room to have a lie-down until he feels better.”
“Oh, the poor dear,” Mrs. Jenkins said.
“You have a lie-down and I’ll bring you some tea and pie,” his mother said.
His mother decorated the guest bedroom in the same fashion as the rest of the house. Teal-blue walls with pictures of saints on every surface. Rory undressed and got under the covers. The cool sheets eased the tension in his body.
“Rory, dear, I brought your tea and pie.” His mother’s voice turned sugary sweet when he was ill.
“Thank you, Mother.” Rory sat up and took the tray.
“You take a nap here. You can head home when you wake up.”
“Thank you,” he said. “I’m sorry I ruined lunch.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said. “You weren’t feeling well. That explains your behavior.”
He didn’t tell her he felt fine until he talked with Duncan. It was better this way.
“If you need to stay the night, I’m sure we have some of your old clothes. They might still fit.” She eyed him up and down.
“Thank you. I’m sure I’ll be okay after a nap.” There was no chance he would subject himself to a night in this house.
“Of course.” She kissed his forehead. “You let us know if you need anything.”
“I will.”
She opened the window. A soft breeze wafted through the room. She shut off the light and closed the door behind her.
Rory ate the pie and sipped the tea in silence. It was two in the afternoon. He placed the tray on the bedside table and stared at the ceiling.
Duncan knows. The thought echoed in his mind.
He’d developed feelings for Bernard. His friends saw it, his brother saw it, and he was sure his father saw it when he pushed him to meet Bernard at the park. Did everyone know something he didn’t? Could he act on these feelings? Bernard might feel the same way. He told Bernard he was straight. Would he act differently if he told him the truth? Bernard needed to know, but he didn’t know how to tell him.