Chapter Sixteen
Bernard
Saturday, July 4/Sunday, July 5
IT WAS THE Fourth of July, and Bernard dressed for a day at the lake. He, Sarah, and John had a tradition of going to Coyote Lake on the Fourth of July every year. This year, Kelly and Rory would join them. He looked forward to a day of great food and fun.
Bernard arrived early to get a good parking place and a great spot for the perfect view of the fireworks that night.
He looked out over the water. A few people drove their boats next to the docks. He breathed in the warm lake air.
Bernard was setting up the barbecue and blankets when John, Sarah, and Kelly arrived. John and Kelly carried a giant cooler between them.
“I take it you brought all the food we’ll need to cook for the next week.” Bernard pointed at the cooler and laughed.
“Well, I never know how much anyone’s going to eat, so we brought extra,” John said.
“There’s another one in my truck,” Kelly said.
“I’ll help.” Bernard followed John and Kelly to the truck.
Bernard helped them carry the cooler, a folding table, folding chairs, and camp chairs from Kelly’s truck to their site. Sarah brought a navy-blue cloth to cover the table. Bernard helped her put out chips, potato salad, coleslaw, and plates on the table while John and Kelly prepared the grill.
Rory arrived at half past ten. Bernard and Rory joined John and Kelly at the grill. John was the best griller of the group, so he took the reins while they watched.
Crowds of people filled in the space around their site as the group prepared lunch.
“John, should we tell them?” Sarah asked as they sat around the table to eat.
“I think we can,” John said.
“The agency approved our application to adopt,” Sarah said, squealing with joy.
“That’s amazing,” Bernard said.
“Congratulations,” Rory said.
“You’ve been on that list for over three years,” Kelly said. “I’m so glad they approved you.”
“We received the letter a few months ago,” John said. “But we didn’t want to say anything until they completed it. We’ll get to meet our new child soon.”
“That’s great,” Bernard said. “You two are going to make wonderful parents.”
A pang of jealousy hit him. He was happy for them, but he had wanted a child for years. He wouldn’t get the chance. Adoption was nearly impossible for a gay couple, and a single gay man wouldn’t get a second look. He hated the sting of resentment. It wasn’t their fault the government passed biased laws. He hoped one day to have a child. He’d thought about in vitro and finding a surrogate. But in vitro was expensive, and he’d have to save for years.
He resolved to be supportive. Sarah and John found out five years ago they couldn’t have children. They never said why, and Bernard never pushed the issue. Sarah had taken a week off work when they found out. She wasn’t herself for months after. He gave her the space she needed and was there when she wanted to talk. She wanted children, but never mentioned adoption.
John and Sarah talked about everything from how old the child would be to what they’d like to do for fun. They didn’t care if they got a boy or girl, just that they would give a loving home to a child.
They played poker after lunch and Bernard was astonished by how good Rory was.
“How’d you get so good at this?” Bernard asked.
“Oh, we played a lot of poker games when we were waiting on codes to process during grad school. I grabbed a book on how to play and studied it.”
“Impressive,” Kelly said.
They played as the sun descended. Sweat beat down Bernard’s face.
“I’m sorry, it’s too hot. I’m taking this polo off,” Bernard said.
He pulled the polo shirt over his head to reveal his tank top.
“Good idea.” John removed his shirt, revealing his bare skin.
“Sure.” Rory took off his shirt. He didn’t wear an undershirt either.
Bernard stared at his hairy body. The hair covered him like a light sweater. Bernard had the urge to run his fingers through it. To feel the soft fur. Rory was everything he looked for in a man. He was considerate and honest, but straight. That’s what he had to tell himself. Rory was straight. He couldn’t have these feelings.
Kelly didn’t take off his shirt, but Bernard was the only one to notice. His heart ached for Kelly. He hid his scars, and he hadn’t mentioned it since Bernard walked in on him.
Bernard stole glances at Rory as they continued playing.
“Oh, I forgot to mention,” Rory said. “I took the job at the college. I start in August.”
“That’s wonderful,” Bernard said.
“That’s great, Rory,” Sarah said.
John and Kelly both congratulated him and toasted him with their beers.
“I’m heading to the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” Rory said.
Once Rory was out of earshot, the others turned on Bernard.
“What’s wrong with you?” Sarah asked.
“What?” Bernard said.
“Are you and Rory the only ones who don’t see it?” John said.
“See what?”
“Dear God, man,” Kelly said. “You and Rory keep eyeing each other like you want to rip the rest of each other’s clothes off.”
“No, we don’t.”
“Yes, you do,” they all said.
“I can’t help that I find him attractive.” Bernard shrugged.
Sarah huffed, clearly frustrated with Bernard. “But it’s happening on both ends. How can you not see that? You need to say something to him, or I will.”
“You wouldn’t,” Bernard said.
“Try me.”
She would. Sarah was brazen. If she thought it would help someone, she did it. She’d tried to set him up with Kelly, despite denying it.
“Don’t,” Bernard said. “If he’s gay or bi or whatever, I’m not forcing him out. That’s not my place. I get you all are trying to help, and you see things I don’t. But I don’t want to lose him again. I’ll be there for him, and I’ll support him, but I won’t force him out.”
“His reaction when you helped me move tells me everything I needed to know,” Kelly said.
“What reaction?” Sarah asked.
“Rory saw us hug and had a look like someone shot his dog,” Kelly said.
“Wow, that’s intense,” John said.
“I just know what it’s like for him,” Bernard said. “Remember, I came from a similar upbringing. I was lucky with my family. I don’t know if he’ll be as lucky. It’s best to let him discover himself in his own time.”
Sarah agreed not to say anything and let Bernard move forward at his pace. She warned him not to let Rory go. If another man approached him at the right time, Bernard would lose his chance. They all agreed Rory wasn’t straight and the way he looked at Bernard proved it. There was something more. Bernard needed to let Rory come out when he was ready, not when it suited him.
Rory returned, and their game continued. It was silent and ominous. The tension in the group grew thick, and Rory had to sense it. Bernard looked everywhere except at Rory. He didn’t want the emotions that flooded him when Rory was near. He didn’t know how their alone time would change. They spent almost every Saturday morning and early afternoon together. It was hard to resist saying something.
“Well, I better head home and get ready for church,” Rory said. “Thanks for having me.”
“Anytime,” John said. “Have a safe trip home.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon?” Bernard asked.
“Yes, I’ll be at the park around one.”
“Great, see you then.”
They exchanged hugs. Rory’s hands slid up and down his back. He resisted getting aroused. He willed himself to stay soft.
Rory waved at them as he walked to his car.
“That hug lasted a little long,” Kelly said.
“He didn’t rub my back when we hugged,” John joked.
“Stop it. I said I’d let him come out when he was ready. He is taking his sweet time about it.”
Rory gave hints he was interested and might expect Bernard to make the first move. He couldn’t do it. Rory needed to say something, not drop hints. He didn’t want to play the what-if game.
“I hope he comes to his senses soon,” Sarah said. “He’s a catch and you’ll be upset if some other hot bear gets him first.”
“I know if Rory asked you out, and you said no, you’d be a fool,” Kelly said.
Kelly was right. Rory had everything going for him. He was smart, funny, sweet, and handsome. Rory wouldn’t hurt him. Bernard would say yes.
They cooked up some hamburgers for dinner. There were still plenty of chips, potato salad, and coleslaw left.
They watched the fireworks from the lakeside while they ate. It was a sky of every color.
They cleaned up and packed everything away. Bernard said his goodbyes and headed home.
He unpacked the leftovers Sarah and John gave him in the fridge after letting Ginger back in. She seemed unphased by the fireworks.
He sat and played Final Fantasy VII. The conversation with the group occupied his mind, distracting him from thoughts of Rory.
He defeated Sephiroth, the final boss, and watched the end credits. Ginger sat next to him on the couch.
“Another one down,” he said. “I have to figure out what game I’ll play next.”
Bernard rummaged through his closet and found Tomb Raider .
He played for a few hours. He looked at his watch and saw it was past ten.
“Let’s go to bed, Ginger.”
He saved the game and changed. Rory might be interested in him. They noticed Rory looking at him the way he looked at Rory. He wasn’t sure what to make of it.
*
THE NEXT MORNING , Bernard took Ginger for a walk. He made it to the dog park at nine to see Kelly there with Chester.
“Hey, Kelly,” Bernard said.
“Hi, Bernard. Good to see you here.”
“Nice to see you too. I’m glad there’s a dog Ginger knows, so she has someone to play with.”
“Same. Chester loves other people but is skittish around strange dogs sometimes.”
They watched the dogs run around and play.
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Kelly said. “With you and Rory.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine.” Kelly looked at him. “It’s obviously something that bothers you and that you’re struggling with. I should know. It isn’t easy to have feelings for someone who may never return them.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m here for you, you know. If you ever want to talk. I’ll be a willing ear.”
“That means a lot. Thanks.”
He knew he needed to figure this out. The urge to tell Rory boiled up inside him. Even if Rory wouldn’t return the feelings, he’d know how Bernard felt. He’d know what torment it was to have feelings for someone and never be able to be with that person. Rory had to know the feeling. He’d never dated in his life, as far as Bernard knew. If Rory had feelings for him, and he suspected he did, Bernard would have to tread carefully. Rory’s connection to the church was stronger than his own. He went with his family, but after his excommunication, he kept his prayers slim. The church destroyed his faith when they removed him. He didn’t want Rory to face the same fate.