Chapter Seventeen
Bernard
Sunday, July 5/Monday, July 6
BERNARD LOADED LEAVES , broken pots, and old soil into a garbage bin. He started cleaning out the greenhouse in his yard. He needed to make sure it was fit for plants. It would take a while to get it ready, and summer was as good a time as any.
His watch alarm went off at noon. He put the bin inside the greenhouse and went inside to shower and change.
He packed up some snacks, leashed Ginger, and headed to the park to meet Rory.
The park was filled with families. Summer brought locals outdoors to get some sun and allow their children to play. The hot air was muggy, but he loved it. Living his whole life in Gilroy, he got used to the weather. It was funny when the Garlic Festival hit. Tourists came from far and wide to taste the garlic ice cream. The festival was a few weeks away. He’d decided years ago not to attend anymore. It was hot, crowded, and expensive, and he didn’t have his mother to go with.
Bernard waited in his truck with Ginger and the AC.
Rory arrived around one. He walked over to Bernard’s truck carrying a basket.
“Hi there,” Rory said, smiling.
“Hey, Rory.” Bernard hugged him. “What have you got there?”
“Look, you’re great and all, but I couldn’t eat more of those snacks you bring. I made some cupcakes.” Rory punched him lightly.
Chills ran up his spine. He wanted this to last. He wanted Rory’s touch.
Damn it, Rory. Tell me you want me already.
“I’ll take those over these store-bought snacks any day.”
They walked into the park, Ginger right beside Bernard in her harness.
“It’s pretty packed today,” Bernard said. “I hope we can find a spot.”
They moved through the park. A light breeze eased the heat of the blazing sun. July was always hot.
They searched for thirty minutes before they found a shaded area to set up.
“I still brought milk.” Bernard pulled out a bottle. “I can’t have snacks without milk.”
“That sounds fine to me.”
They ate cupcakes and watched the surrounding families enjoy the lake. Children ran to the playground while their parents sat on benches nearby.
Bernard noticed couples everywhere. They held hands, kissed, and made eyes at each other. The memory of the man who confronted them when they walked the trail a few months ago assaulted his mind. Did these people prevent him from dating again? Did the fear of always defending his relationships hold him hostage? He couldn’t let them hold him back.
“What’s on your mind?” Rory asked.
Bernard shook his head. “Oh, nothing.”
“That was not a ‘nothing’ look,” Rory said. “That was a deep in thought look.”
“I’m just…” He searched for the right words. “I’m upset that I’m sabotaging my own happiness.”
“What do you mean?”
“See all the couples nearby.” Bernard pointed out each couple along the path and on the benches.
“Yeah, so?”
“I keep thinking about that man who thought we were a couple and how he reacted,” Bernard said. “We’re not even a couple. I hate how he treated us. That wasn’t the first time and I know it won’t be the last. I think I give up on dates because I don’t want to face that.”
“I’m sorry you have to go through that.” Rory put his arm around him. “I know it can’t be easy. What if you found someone you had a strong connection with? Someone who you could face that with and know nothing would break you apart?”
Bernard met his gaze. Did Rory mean him? He could face any obstacle with Rory, but he didn’t have the guts to say anything to him. He couldn’t tell Rory his feelings. It hurt, but it’s what he had to do.
“I think I could,” Bernard said. “One day, I hope to find that person. I’d cherish every moment if I could be with someone who was like a best friend, confidant, and partner all in one.”
What was he saying? He just told Rory he wanted him. His face heated. What would Rory say? He couldn’t be rejected by him now. He’d spent this time keeping him at arm’s length.
“I’m sure you’ll find that man one day,” Rory said. “You might have met him and the two of you just haven’t realized it.”
Rory’s green eyes dug into his own. Rory meant himself. Bernard’s insides squirmed. This was his chance to tell him.
“Maybe one day,” Bernard said. “For now, we should walk off these cupcakes.”
I’m a coward. He gave me an opening, and I blew it.
“Let’s go.”
They walked around the lake. The sun shimmered on the water’s surface. The soft breeze ran through his hair. He stole glances at Rory. Three months ago, he didn’t think he’d have Rory back. Now, almost every Saturday belonged to them.
“Yesterday was fun,” Rory said. “I wish I could’ve stayed for the fireworks.”
“They were great. So much fun.”
“Maybe next year.”
“That would be nice.”
Bernard couldn’t help noticing every couple who passed. They held hands, some kissed, and they did it in the open. No one confronted them or harassed them. They existed without harassment. Why couldn’t he exist? Why couldn’t those who disagreed just leave them alone?
“Would you like to come over for a movie and some takeout?” Bernard asked as they packed up the supplies.
“That sounds nice. What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking Fook Xing, they have amazing General Zao’s chicken.”
“Sounds good.”
“What would you like?”
Rory wanted hot and sour soup, orange chicken with rice, and steamed vegetables.
“Got it.”
“I’m going to head home, feed Mina, and I’ll be over around six?”
“See you at six.”
Bernard placed an order to be delivered at six-thirty. They’d have time to choose a movie and get settled in before the food arrived.
He dashed to clean his living room as best he could. It was already five.
Rory arrived with a stack of movies in hand.
“I didn’t know what movies you had, so I thought I’d bring some of my favorites to give us options.”
Bernard shuffled through them, and they decided on The Devil’s Advocate.
They ate takeout and watched the movie. Bernard sat on the edge of the couch, as far from Rory as he could. He didn’t want to give the wrong impression.
When the movie finished, Rory got up to leave. “I should get home and get some sleep.”
“I have to get to bed soon too.”
“Thanks for inviting me over.”
“Thanks for coming over,” Bernard said. “It was fun.”
“Yeah, I had a good time.”
They hugged. Bernard squeezed him.
They parted, and Bernard leaned in to kiss Rory.
Bernard backed away. Did Rory notice? How close had he gotten? His stomach churned. Rory’s eyes widened.
“Rory, I’m…” he choked.
“It’s nothing,” Rory said. “It was an accident.”
Rory walked out, and Bernard collapsed on the couch. What was wrong with him? He’d resisted this for years, and now he almost kissed Rory.
He picked up the phone and called Sarah.
“Hello?” Sarah asked.
“I tried to kiss Rory.”
“You did what?”
“We had dinner and watched a movie. We hugged as he was leaving and when we broke the hug, I leaned in to kiss him. I stopped before anything happened.”
“What did he do?”
“He backed away and said accidents happen. Then he left.”
“You didn’t talk about it?”
He didn’t want to talk about it. It all happened so fast. Would Rory never speak to him again? He broke Rory’s trust. He never hit on Rory, never. Now, he’d tried to kiss him. He couldn’t blame it on alcohol. He needed to fix this.
“No, it all happened so fast.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to give him time,” Bernard said. “I’m going to let him make the next move. If I do anything it might look like I’m trying to coerce him into something. I don’t want to do that.”
“Okay, we can talk about it more tomorrow. I want you to tell me everything that happened today.”
“Okay, I’ll grab you tomorrow.”
*
THE NEXT MORNING Bernard told her everything that happened. Every detail of their conversation and how Rory responded.
“You want my honest opinion?”
“You know I always do.”
“I think he’s falling for you but isn’t sure how to proceed,” Sarah said. “He’s testing the waters. Seeing if you’re interested. I think what happened last night confirmed his thoughts. He may want to be with you.”
“I always figured he was straight.”
He turned to see Sarah with a raised eyebrow.
“What?” Bernard said.
“You and I both know he isn’t totally straight. I knew you weren’t when we were in high school.”
“I guess I take people at their word,” Bernard said. “If he thinks he’s straight, then he’s straight. But you’re right. He has feelings for men, but I’m not sure about women.”
“He’s thirty-five and has never had a girlfriend. I think he’d have found someone.”
“What if he doesn’t have sexual attraction at all?”
“That’s possible,” Sarah said. “John’s sister Emily is like that. I believe she used the term asexual. She says she’s not sexually attracted to most people. She’s married, but I don’t know if they have sex.” Sarah shrugged. “That’s obviously too personal for me to know.”
“She was a bridesmaid, right? The tall brunette?”
“Yes, and she met her husband at our wedding. She married Chris.”
“Chris North, one of John’s groomsmen?”
“Yeah, they hit it off and started dating.”
“I think I got an invitation to their wedding. I couldn’t go because…”
The memory flooded back. In the hospital. He’d drunk too much and was rushed to the hospital. He was there overnight and spent the next few days recovering. Tracy did that to him. The hurt he endured always came back to Jason or Tracy. He allowed them to control his life.
“You don’t have to say it.”
“That’s amazing. Why couldn’t I meet someone at your wedding?”
“Well, you would have met Kelly, but he wasn’t able to make it.”
Bernard suspected the scars on his body were the reason. Those scars came from someone he was dating, but he didn’t push Kelly for information. That was Kelly’s story to tell when he was ready, not his to pry into.
*
AFTER A LONG day at work, Bernard dropped Sarah off and made it home.
He grabbed Ginger and met Kelly for their evening playdate.
“Hey, Bernard,” Kelly said. “Why the long face?”
“I think I screwed up.”
“What happened?”
Bernard retold the story of the previous day. Every time he replayed it, he noticed Rory’s responses to what he said. There were clues. Rory might have feelings for him, but he didn’t know how to find out.
“Well.” Kelly tapped a finger on his lips. “I think it’s what we’ve been talking about. You and Rory have feelings for each other, but neither of you knows how to proceed.”
“That’s what Sarah said too.”
“He’s been told his whole life that being gay is a sin, and that he’s supposed to be with a woman. Now that he has feelings for you, he isn’t sure if those feelings are real or just lust.”
“I’m going to give him space and let him reach out to me when he’s ready to talk again.”
Bernard hoped Rory would reach out. Even if nothing romantic happened, he didn’t want to lose his friend again. He enjoyed the time they spent together. He needed that friendship.
“I’m sure he’ll come around.”
They watched the dogs play as the sun set over the buildings. Pollen spread through his nostrils. Bernard inhaled the scent of fresh-cut grass.
Kelly placed a hand on Bernard’s.
“I’m going to tell you what I see as an outsider,” Kelly said. “Be patient with him. If he has feelings for you beyond lust, let them blossom naturally.”
“Thanks, Kelly.”
They parted ways, and Bernard walked Ginger home.
He sat on the couch watching reruns of I Love Lucy. Kelly’s words echoed in his mind. Rory flirted with Bernard in his own special way. His reaction when he thought something was going on between him and Kelly. His response when he told him he wondered if there was someone out there for him. Kelly, Sarah, and John noticed. He understood his own feelings, but what were Rory’s? Rory could be the one, but how long would he have to wait? Months? Years? If he dated someone else, that might push Rory away. He didn’t want anyone else. He wanted Rory. Now that he saw what others did, he yearned for him. He had to decide what he needed.