Chapter Eighteen
Rory
Monday, July 6
RORY WOKE UP with a hard-on. He’d dreamed of Bernard. They held each other on the couch. Bernard kissed him. His soft lips moved down his neck. His touch eased the pain in his heart. Bernard whispered he loved him. His warm embrace gave Rory hope for the future.
Rory and Bernard had spent the last three months hanging out almost every Saturday, and his urges grew stronger.
Bernard almost kissed him. He wanted to feel those lips against his.
I should have gone in for the kiss. He wanted to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss him.
“I need to figure out what I want.”
Rory showered. Bernard mentioned Castro Street in San Francisco, a place for people to explore their sexuality. He’d try to figure things out there.
*
RORY PARKED AND walked the streets of Castro. It was a hot morning. The sun beamed on him. Rainbow flags flew throughout the street. He noticed other flags that he did not recognize. One even had a paw on it. People walked up and down the street, dressed in clothes that would not go over well in his church. His eyes wandered around until someone stopped him outside their shop.
“You look lost,” a large man wearing leather said. He was in his fifties, with graying hair, a long thick beard, and toned abs.
“I’ve never been here before,” Rory admitted.
“What are you looking for?” he asked.
Rory didn’t know. He’d been walking down the street in an aimless fashion. “I…I’m not sure,” he said.
“Well, come in, look around, and see if something strikes your fancy.”
Rory entered the shop. The store stocked DVDs and VHS, all with half-naked men on the covers. There were dildos, oils, lubrication, and some leather clothes that matched those of the man outside the store.
“What is this?” He placed his hand on a leather hammock.
“That, my friend, is a sex swing,” the man said.
“A what?”
“Watch.” The man got into the swing. His legs hooked onto the ropes and he lay there, spread eagle. “So, the bottom lies here,” he said. Then he pointed in front of him. “And then the top stands right there. Go ahead, I won’t bite.”
Rory shuffled forward to stand between the man’s legs. He shifted his eyes around. Sweat beaded on his body.
“Oh, wow, umm…” Rory said.
“I see this is not what you’re looking for.” The man got out of the swing. “So, do you have a boyfriend?”
“I…no, but I’m not sure if I want a boyfriend.”
“Ah, you’re questioning your sexuality.” He looked Rory over. “Is there someone you’d like to be your boyfriend?”
I want Bernard.
“I have a friend who is gay,” Rory said. “And I think I like him more than a friend. I’m trying to figure out if it’s just lust, or if it’s more.”
“Are you looking for a gift for your friend?”
“No. I want something for myself.”
“So, you want to experiment by yourself before you decide whether you want more with this friend of yours,” the man said. “It’s smart to try it on your own first. You’re not sure if you’re gay, bi, straight, or something else?”
This man was good. He pinned Rory within minutes of meeting him.
“Well,” Rory said. “I don’t think I’m straight. I find men attractive but can’t remember ever finding a woman attractive.”
He’d always referred to himself as straight. He just confessed to a stranger that he didn’t think he was straight. This guy wouldn’t say anything or judge him.
“Well, do you find your friend attractive?”
“I think he’s handsome, yes.”
“Okay, fair answer,” he said. “So, what does he look like?”
Rory described Bernard in intricate detail. His soft wavy black hair. His close-cropped beard. He even described how one corner of his mouth went higher than the other when he smiled.
“Well, that is very specific,” the man said. “Either you like him, or you’re just good with descriptions.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Here.” He handed him a DVD titled Bear With Me and a bottle of lube.
“Why do I need this?” Rory asked.
“Well, this video has men built like your friend, so if it turns you on, then you might have deeper feelings for your friend,” the man said.
He looked at the cover. Two half-naked husky men held each other in a tight embrace. On the corner was a flag he saw earlier but didn’t know what it was. Even stripes of dark brown, orange, yellow, tan, white, gray, and black. In the top left corner of the flag was a black paw.
“What’s this?” He pointed at the flag.
“That’s the bear pride flag,” the man said. “It represents larger men. Those who don’t quite fit in the norm of the gay community.”
“Ah, so like me and my friend.”
“Exactly.”
“Okay, and the lube.”
The man raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever, you know, jacked off?”
Rory’s face warmed. “I…once in a while, I’ve never used lube though. I just jack off in the shower and I’m done.”
“Here.” The man handed him a magazine. “This will give some descriptions of self-pleasure. It goes beyond just jacking off. There are some great diagrams and explanations.”
Rory’s eyes opened wide with shock.
The man’s voice softened. “It has details on how to pleasure yourself, areas you can explore. I’ll throw it in for free.”
“Thank you.”
Rory paid and took his items in a plain bag. People passed by as he walked down the street. He entered a few more shops, but nothing grabbed his attention. He thought porn, a bottle of lube, and a self-pleasure instruction manual were enough for his first trip.
He ate lunch at a little cafe. A few men whispered how attractive he was. Two men caught his eye and winked. He blushed when the server called him handsome. He’d never been told he was handsome by strangers.
After lunch, Rory headed home. The drive home was quiet. The radio played hits from the eighties. It took him back to the bars with Bernard. They laughed, joked, and had a great time. The memory brought a smile to his face. He hadn’t smiled this much in years.
He entered his apartment. After petting Mina, he walked to his bedroom, shut the door, and pulled out the magazine. It had detailed diagrams of the male body. He read how to tease the outer rim of his ass and how to massage the prostate.
Rory definitely wanted to try it out.
He got into the shower and made sure every inch of him was clean. He rubbed the outside of his hole. Moans escaped his lips as he rubbed harder. He slipped his finger inside. The sensation caused a jolt of pleasure in his cock. He closed his eyes and moaned as he massaged his prostate.
Is this how it feels to be fucked? Would a dick fit in my ass?
Rory dried off without finishing himself off in the shower. He grabbed a dry towel and laid it on the bed. He rummaged through the bag and pulled out the bottle of lube and the video. He put the movie on and propped himself up on pillows, still naked, to watch.
The movie opened on two men, similar in size to him and Bernard. The first scene was them meeting in a bar. They went up to a hotel room, kissing along the way. The passion on the screen enticed Rory.
What would it be like to kiss a man? What would it be like to kiss Bernard?
Rory’s cock came to life as the men undressed. They kissed and caressed each other. They had hairy bodies and large cocks. He looked down at his now hard cock. His dick didn’t match theirs in size. He was only six inches. He measured it once in his twenties. The cocks on the screen were at least eight inches. He wondered if Bernard would want one of his size. Did Bernard have a dick as big as theirs? He couldn’t remember what it looked like. How big were his balls? Were they tight or did they hang low like his? His cock stiffened. He’d seen Bernard in the showers and wished he’d paid more attention.
The men on the screen ran their fingers through each other’s body hair. The larger one got on his knees to suck the other one’s cock. Rory wanted to feel Bernard’s lips around his cock. What would it feel like to suck Bernard’s cock? What would it taste like? He wanted to know the pleasures of another man. He lubed up a finger and massaged his hole with it. Groans of pleasure escaped, echoing through his room as he entered his hole.
“Mmm.” He slipped his finger deeper inside his ass. He hit his prostate and let out a gasp.
He continued, pressing against his prostate a few more times. His body convulsed with each thrust.
Rory pulled back his foreskin and poured lube onto his cock. He stroked with a slow, even movement.
His strokes quickened as he fingered his ass. His balls jiggled with the combined effort of his finger and his hand.
The men on screen took turns eating each other’s asses. Running their tongues in and around. He wanted to try that so badly. He wanted to taste Bernard. He wanted all these pleasures he’d never experienced.
He jerked faster as one man fucked the other on the screen. He imagined himself fucking Bernard. Bernard was smaller than him, although not by much. That was the image on the screen. The bigger guy was fucking the smaller one. He wanted to do it with Bernard. He wanted to hear Bernard’s moans of pleasure as he pounded into him. As he stared into his eyes. As Bernard begged him to fuck him hard. Bernard’s cock smacking against his belly as Rory pumped. His hands pressing against Bernard’s chest.
Rory shot a load onto his chest and belly. His body spasmed as multiple shots came out of the tip. He’d never come this much. He slid his finger out. His breath was shallow from the effort of it all. His body collapsed onto the bed.
“I can’t believe I did that,” he panted. “That was amazing.”
His mother’s voice appeared in his head. How could you do something so disgusting? Watch two men fornicate and please yourself. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Panic set in. He realized he’d committed a mortal sin. He ran to the bathroom and threw up.
“Oh my God, what did I do?” he cried.
He jumped into the shower and washed his body. He scrubbed every inch of himself.
He’d just masturbated to gay porn. What was wrong with him?
Once he’d cleaned up, he dried off, put on fresh pajamas, and threw the towel into the laundry basket.
Rory pulled the tape out, slipped it in its case, and put it with the lube into the bottom drawer of the nightstand.
This feels right though. I need to call Bernard. I need to be with him. I want to feel the passion and love that everyone else gets to feel. My mother is wrong. Being with another man isn’t a sin. It can’t be.
Rory didn’t know how to tell Bernard how he felt. He dreamed of him at night and jerked off to him. He wanted to be close to Bernard. He wanted to be with Bernard.