Chapter Nineteen
Rory
Friday, July 10
RORY WAS EATING breakfast when his phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Rory, it’s Jeff.”
“Hey, Jeff. What’s up?”
“We all have great news to celebrate, so we’re hoping you could come out tonight for drinks.”
“That sounds great, what time?”
“The usual, six-thirty.”
“I’ll see you all there.” Rory hung up.
It was nice to be spending time with his friends. After graduation, they still called him to hang out. He hadn’t had friends like this since the high school group with Bernard and Sarah.
Rory spent the day cleaning his apartment. He had neglected it for a few days and now needed to catch up.
Once he finished and had eaten lunch, he put on Jerry Maguire . He half-paid attention while he pulled out the new yarn and began knitting.
On Wednesday, he’d taken a quick trip back to Castro Street to grab something with the pattern he wanted to make for the sweater. He found a shop that carried a variety of bear merchandise. The bear community was diverse with muscular men, chubby men, or men in between. The bear culture was secure in who they were. He’d grabbed a sticker with the pattern, and perused the bear porn section, but didn’t think it would be appropriate to buy another video. Masturbating and porn were sins, and he’d sinned enough.
After the movie, Rory got up, showered, and prepared to meet his friends.
“Bye, Mina.” He petted her on his way out. “I’ll be home soon.”
Rory sat at a table with his friends in Shaffers. Nicolas had ordered appetizers for the table, and everyone had a drink. They laughed, talked, and shared their successes.
Davi had received a job offer with a company that meant he could extend his student visa to a work visa and stay in the United States. He was excited to work for a company that limited waste.
Sophia got a job at her mother’s clinic, where she oversaw the operations of all generators. She made sure they were up to code, maintained, and ready in case of emergencies.
Nicolas took over his father’s business developing portable battery jumpers. It was the reason he studied engineering. He oversaw the development of batteries and used his knowledge to improve on the designs he claimed were outdated.
Jeff got a position with a nonprofit to eliminate unnecessary power usage in low-income areas. He assisted the development team and ran a small section of his own.
“You guys are doing great,” Rory said. “I’m so happy to have been part of such a brilliant team.”
“You are too. Didn’t you take the position at the university?” Jeff asked.
“Yes, I did,” Rory said.
They all cheered for their successes. Each of them followed their passion and made a difference in their own way.
Rory ordered more appetizers for the table. They munched on potato wedges and discussed their futures. If he worked hard at the college, he could earn a permanent position as an adjunct professor.
“I have some more exciting news,” Sophia said.
“What is it?” Jeff asked.
“A radiologic technician at the clinic asked me out on a date.”
“Oh, tell us about them,” Nicolas said.
“Well, he runs the X-ray machines at work, his name is Victor Masters, and he is so cute.”
Rory couldn’t help but giggle. Sophia always played the prim and proper grad student in public. She went out for drinks, but always kept it light. It was great to see another side of her. A side she could let loose and be herself, not what the world expected of her.
“That’s great,” Rory said. “When’s your date?”
“We’re going out tomorrow night. I can’t wait.”
“That’s so exciting,” Davi said. “I’m sure you’ll have a fun time.”
“Did he say where he’s taking you?” Nicolas asked.
“No,” Sophia said. “It’s a surprise.”
“Well, I hope you have a wonderful time,” Nicolas said.
Rory glanced at Nicolas. He wasn’t his usual confident, suave self. There was something different. If he wasn’t mistaken, Rory could swear Nicolas had feelings for Sophia. Was Nicolas upset that Sophia had a date? He’d never asked Sophia out, as far as he knew. So, what might have changed?
“So, what about your love life?” Sophia asked Rory.
“What love life?”
“You’re telling me you still haven’t asked Bernard out on a date?”
“No, we’re friends.”
“Friends who are in love,” Jeff said.
“We’re not in love.”
“Why can’t you admit it?” Nicolas said.
Why couldn’t he admit he was in love with his best friend? They’d been friends for over twenty years, and still he couldn’t confess his feelings for him.
“I’m going to tell you guys the truth. Please don’t judge me.”
“Rory, we’re your friends. We wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.” Sophia placed a hand on his shoulder. “You can tell us.”
Rory took a deep breath. It was now or never; he needed to be truthful with his friends.
“Because if I act on my desires for Bernard, I’m going to go to hell.”
They stared at him, open-mouthed.
“What?” Davi asked.
“I’m a devout Catholic. If I do anything with Bernard, then I’ll go to hell. I’d rather live a life alone than face my mother and the church.”
Rory gazed into his drink. The bubbles drifted to the top and popped. They were having a great time, and now he’d ruined it. He brought everyone down.
“I don’t think that’s true,” Jeff said.
“It’s what the Catholic Church taught.”
“Why would God make you this way, to love a man, if He was going to punish you for it?” Nicolas said.
“It’s just His way of testing me, and I have to resist the temptation.”
“Well,” Davi said. “That’s a horrible thing to do to yourself. I’m Catholic as well and I have a gay cousin at home. No one in the family judges him for it. We say it’s his life to live, and that is between him and God.”
“You don’t think I’ll go to hell for it?” Rory locked eyes with Davi, a kindred spirit in their religion. He’d known Davi was Catholic, but they never discussed it.
“No, I don’t,” Davi said. “You are a good person. Kind and generous. I don’t think God would punish you for your love.”
“Thank you, Davi,” Rory said. “That means the world to me.”
His friends gathered around him and wrapped him in a hug. He had friends. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. People outside his church who wanted to spend time with him. Encourage him. They didn’t care how he turned out. They liked him for who he was and didn’t expect anything else.
“So,” Sophia said. “Are you going to go ask him out on a date?”
“What if he says no?” Rory said.
His heart ached. Bernard’s rejection of his love would crush him.
“You’ll never know unless you try,” Nicolas said.
“You got this, big guy,” Jeff said.
“Okay.” Rory stood. “I’m going to go ask him right now.”
“We’ll be rooting for you, Rory,” Nicolas said.
“You have to let us know how it goes,” Jeff said.
“You’ll do great,” Sophia assured him.
Rory left the bar and headed to Gilroy. He needed to ask now, while he had the courage. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. What would he say? If they went on a date, where would they go? What would it be like to kiss him? What would it be like to…? He stopped. He had thought about sex with Bernard. What it would feel like. Would he be able to? He had to stop thinking about the negative. Right now, his goal was to get to Bernard’s and ask him out.
Rory took a breath and knocked on Bernard’s door. A pool of sweat covered his face. His heart jumped into his throat when Bernard answered the door.
“Oh, hey, Rory,” Bernard said. “Is everything okay?”
“I…can I come in?”
“Of course,” he said, scrunching together his eyebrows in concern. “It’s ten at night. What happened?”
“I just need to talk to you.”
Rory followed Bernard in. Bernard’s house was nice but not as clean as his apartment. He wanted to grab a broom, mop, vacuum, and duster, and tidy the place. He needed to help Bernard.
Rory’s mind jumped to cleaning when he was stressed. He could clean a mansion right now.
“Do you want something to drink?” Bernard asked.
“A soda would be great.”
Rory sat on the couch, hands between his knees.
Bernard returned with two glasses of soda. Rory held it in both hands and stared at the bubbles as they fizzed. Bernard sat next to him.
“What’s going on?” Bernard asked.
“I…I have to… I need … ”
“What’s going on? Are you okay?”
Rory looked up at Bernard. His eyes fixated on him.
“I…I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just need to…I don’t know. Damn it, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what? What’s going on?”
Bernard placed his hands on Rory’s shoulders and steadied him.
His hands feel nice. I love his touch.
“I’m like you. I mean, I’m gay like you. I’ve had feelings for you for so long, I don’t even remember when it started. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before. I want to be with you, but I’m afraid I’m too late. Please, for the love of God tell me I’m not too late. Tell me I have a chance with you, that we have a chance. I’m sorry I waited so long. My heart aches for you. It has for so long. I don’t know what to do now. Please, help me.”
Bernard wrapped his arms around him and squeezed. He cried into Bernard’s shoulder, releasing the anguish that had built up inside him over the last twenty years. He’d finally admitted everything out loud.
“I…I can’t live the lie anymore. I let the church dictate who I should and shouldn’t love,” Rory said. “But my brother, my friends, and even my father know I have feelings for you.”
His father didn’t come out and say it, but he pushed him to go to the park with Bernard back in April.
“I’m here for you, Rory. I’ve had feelings for you for years too. I never thought this day would come. I’m here though. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
“I want to kiss you,” Rory said.
“You want to kiss me?”
“Yes, I’ve thought about it before, and I want to know what it’s like to kiss you.”
“I’d love nothing more than to kiss you.”
Rory pressed his lips against Bernard’s, heat surging through his body as they connected. He pushed his tongue into Bernard’s mouth, searching for his tongue. His body exploded into a hundred emotions. He explored Bernard’s body as they embraced, touching every inch of the man he’d dreamed of being with. Bernard’s kiss was better than he’d ever imagined, and he wanted more of him. He wanted all of Bernard’s body against his.
“That felt right,” Rory said as he released the kiss.
“You feel right,” Bernard said.
“I want to go on a proper date with you. I want to take you out.”
“I’d love that.”
“Does next Saturday work?” Rory said.
“Yes, next Saturday will be great.” Bernard’s beautiful brown eyes gazed into his. “What did you want to do?”
“I’ll plan something. It’ll be a surprise. I want to spend the whole day with you.”
“I look forward to it.”
“Can I stay here a little and just have you hold me?”
“Of course.”
Bernard held him against his chest. The sound of their breathing filled the silence as they drifted off to sleep.
Rory woke to hear Bernard gasping for breath. He watched for a moment, and Bernard would stop breathing, then gasp.
“Bernard, wake up.” He shook him.
“What—what happened?”
“You stopped breathing,” Rory said.
“Oh, yeah. That happens if I don’t use my CPAP.”
“You use a CPAP? I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay, I don’t talk about it much.”
“I’m sorry, you fell asleep because of me. You should have been able to go to bed.”
Rory closed his eyes, fighting back tears. He’d prevented Bernard from going to bed and using his machine to make sure he breathed.
Bernard pulled him in tight. “You don’t have to be sorry. Holding you was worth it.”
“Still, you shouldn’t do that again.”
“I promise I won’t do it again.”
“I should head home. I have to make the preparations for our date. I’ll pick you up at ten next Saturday.”
“I can’t wait.” Bernard leaned in to kiss him. Their lips met and Rory felt sparks shoot through him, stronger than the last kiss.
I’ll never get enough of his kisses.
“You are an amazing kisser,” Rory said.
“You have such a sweet kiss. I like it.”
Rory’s face warmed. This was his first kiss, and Bernard had enjoyed it as much as him.
*
AS HE DROVE home, adrenaline rushed through his body. He was disobeying the church and his mother. Bernard was in his heart. He’d had feelings for him since high school. He’d get the chance to fulfill his dreams of being happy. Of being with someone who cared about him.
Rory slept better that night than he had in months. A day with Bernard would be magical. He would give Bernard the date he deserved, one that ended with a kiss and a promise to do it again. They could be happy together.