Chapter Twenty-One
Bernard
Sunday, July 19
BERNARD STUMBLED THROUGH the house, eyes burning from a restless night. He fed and watered Ginger, then sat at the kitchen table, unable to make food or coffee.
“What am I going to do? I’ve ruined everything.”
Fresh tears filled his eyes.
“I don’t deserve love because I ruin everything and push away everyone who tries to love me.”
He grabbed the bag from the liquor store. He’d bought five bottles of whiskey after Rory left. They remained unopened.
Bernard opened a bottle. He grabbed a glass, filled it with ice, and poured himself a whiskey. Ginger lay at his feet and watched as he drank his pain away.
He drank glass after glass. His vision blurred, and the pain intensified. The more he drank, the more he realized how he had ruined his relationship with Rory. Rory deserved better.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, or what time it was when there was a knock at the door.
Bernard stumbled to the door and opened it to see Sean. He squinted his eyes. He’d dressed in his Giants’ gear.
“Hey…” Sean stopped. “What happened?”
“Huh?”
“Did you drink all that?” He pointed to the whiskey.
Bernard looked down. A quarter of the bottle was gone.
“Yes.”
He tried to focus on Sean. Sean was sexy. A short, stocky, beefy bear of a man. He remembered that night and how great it felt to have Sean inside him. Would Sean ravage him again?
“It’s nine in the morning. Let’s get you inside.”
Sean led Bernard back to the table. Bernard sat down and stared at the whisky bottle. He was about to pour another glass when Sean took it.
“I think you’ve had enough of that.”
“Sean, I want you naked again,” Bernard said.
“Sit here. I’m going to make some coffee.”
Bernard registered Sean in his kitchen, and the smell of coffee warmed his senses.
“Did you hear me?”
“I heard you,” Sean said, “and I know it’s the whisky talking.”
“No, that was one of the best nights of my life. I want to do it again.”
“You don’t,” Sean said. “You want Rory naked in bed with you, not me.”
Tears formed at the mention of Rory. It would never happen now. He’d made sure of it. Rory wouldn’t talk to him again, let alone get naked with him.
Sean brought over a hot cup of coffee and placed it in front of him.
“I thought you stopped drinking years ago,” Sean said.
Bernard picked up the coffee in front of him and drank. The bitter liquid slid down his throat.
“I did until I ruined everything with Rory. I don’t deserve to be happy.” Bernard put his face against the table. “I screwed up, Sean. He’s gone because of me.”
“Tell me what happened.” Sean sat across from him with his cup of coffee.
Bernard told him everything that happened.
“So, I did it. I pushed away the one man who wanted to date me, just like I always do.”
He’d never verbalized it. Every date he had after Tracy ended because he wasn’t ready. He told them as much. He didn’t even have a second date with any of the men Sarah set him up with. Sean was the first guy he slept with after Tracy, and that was the first time he thought about continuing a relationship. Then Sean told him he wasn’t interested in a relationship. That’s when he gave up on finding love.
“She called you what?” Sean asked.
“A faggot.”
“She is a bitch.”
“Sean!”
“What?”
“That’s Rory’s mom.”
“I don’t give a shit who she is. That’s a disgusting thing to call someone.”
Bernard lowered his head. She had used a vile term, but he shouldn’t have retaliated. He needed to stay calm for Rory, but he didn’t.
The phone rang as Bernard continued to sip his coffee.
“I’ll get it. Stay here.” Sean got up and walked to Bernard’s kitchen phone.
“Hello?” Sean stood silent. “This is Sean, I’m a friend of Bernard’s. I came to get him for a ball game.”
Sean stood as the voice on the other end spoke.
“Nice to meet you, Kelly. So, if you have no plans, maybe you can come over to Bernard’s. He might need another friend.”
After saying thanks and goodbye, Sean hung up.
“You’re going to miss the game,” Bernard said. “I’m sorry I’ve ruined your day.”
“It’s just one game.” Sean put his arm around him. “There will be more. What’s important right now is to help you.”
*
TIME SLIPPED BY and there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it,” Sean said.
Voices drifted into the kitchen. Bernard strained to hear but couldn’t make out any words.
He picked up his head to see Kelly and Sean sitting across the table.
“Sean told me what happened,” Kelly said.
“We want to help,” Sean said.
“There’s nothing you can do. I’ve destroyed my one chance at happiness.”
It was true. After the way he treated Rory and his mother, Rory would never come back.
“That’s not true,” Kelly said. “If it were, then we’d all give up.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Bernard stood. He grabbed the table to balance himself. “I called his mom a bitch. He won’t talk to me after that.”
“I don’t agree with calling her a bitch, but she pushed you. Calling someone a faggot is much worse. She sounds like a horrible, controlling person,” Kelly said.
“I apologized, but it was too late. Now I’ll probably never see him again.”
Bernard broke down in tears. Sean and Kelly got on either side of him and consoled him.
“John’s off today too,” Kelly said. “Why don’t we grab him and have a boys’ day out?”
“I don’t think I’ll be much fun,” Bernard said.
“It’ll be great. We’ll head over to Santa Cruz and hit up the boardwalk. We’ll have fun.”
Kelly picked up the phone and dialed.
“Hey John, it’s Kelly. Are you busy today?” Silence. “Perfect. Sean, a friend of Bernard’s, and I are taking him to Santa Cruz and wondered if you’d like to join us?”
Sean and Kelly helped Bernard dress after forcing him to shower, then dragged him out to Sean’s SUV. Kelly brought Ginger and Chester with him.
“We can leave Ginger and Chester with Sarah,” Kelly said.
They stopped at John and Sarah’s house, unloaded the dogs, and loaded up John.
“So, what’s the issue?” John looked at Bernard. “Man, what happened?”
Bernard had to listen to the story of how he screwed up his relationship with Rory again as Sean and Kelly retold it.
“Man, that’s harsh,” John said. “I’m sure it’ll work out. You just need to give him time.”
“What would you have done if Sarah called your mom a bitch with you standing right there?” Bernard asked.
“Well, she has,” John said. “When we were first dating. Didn’t she tell you?”
Bernard thought hard. He didn’t remember Sarah ever mentioning it. If she called John’s mom any names, he was unaware of it.
“She never told me.”
“Well,” John said. “I won’t go into details. But she called my mom a bitch once. It hurt. But we got through it.”
Bernard cocked an eyebrow.
“I got past it because I knew she didn’t mean it and it was out of anger,” John said.
“Are you close with your mom?” Bernard said.
“Yeah, but I know we’re not as close as Rory and his mother. It might take time.”
“He’ll come around,” Sean said. “You’ve known him for a long time. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”
“The fact he’s in love with you helps too,” Kelly said.
“What?” Bernard asked.
“We know he’s in love with you,” John said.
“We just had one date,” Bernard said.
“Yeah, but I’ve seen how he looks at you,” John said. “I’m surprised it took this long for you two to go on a date.”
Rory told him he wanted someone he could talk to and be honest with, like him. He’d said being in the cafe with him was what he wanted. The question remained, was he in love with Rory? He didn’t see why he couldn’t be. Rory had always been on his mind. Someone he thought about more than anyone. He thought about Rory more than Jason or Tracy when he dated them. Rory had also been there to pick him up when both of them hurt him. He’d also masturbated to thoughts of Rory with him.
“We’re here,” Sean said.
They got out and entered the park. Bernard had sobered up after the car ride. They’d stopped to get food in his stomach.
Kelly bought wristbands for everyone, John said he’d pay for drinks, and Sean would buy lunch. They all refused to allow Bernard to pay for anything. This day was for him. Bernard couldn’t imagine having a better group of friends.
The four of them went on every ride they could, from the Big Dipper to the Ferris Wheel. John, Kelly, and Sean all took time out of their lives to spend it with him. They wanted to make sure he had a fun day out instead of wallowing at home with a bottle of booze. He regretted drinking again. It never ended well.
John and Kelly whispered a few feet away while Sean bought corn dogs for everyone.
“Hey Bernard, want to join me on the Gondola?” Kelly said.
“Sure, sounds fun.”
“We’ll meet you guys back here,” John said.
“All right,” Kelly said.
They got in line to get on the Gondola. It took guests from one side of the park to the other. Kelly insisted they ride to the other side and back.
As they rode across the park, Kelly asked if he was doing okay.
“I don’t know. Thank you for being here for me.”
“Well, you helped me move on your time. So, it’s only fair.”
“I think this is a little different, but I appreciate what you’re all doing for me. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.”
“Thank you.”
Bernard had a small group of friends in high school. Their number dwindled to two when he came out. Now, he had a group of friends he fit in with.
“So, I wanted to tell you something,” Kelly said.
“What is it?”
“Remember when you saw me in the bathroom, and the scars on my chest and back?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Well, I thought now would be a good time to tell you what happened.”
“Kelly, you don’t have to.”
“I know,” he said. “But I think it’s important. I don’t have many friends and you’ve been a wonderful friend. I wanted you to know.”
Bernard looked at him. Kelly smiled. He’d come out of his shell with Bernard. He seemed reserved before, but now he was talking about a horrible part of his past.
“Well, my ex left those scars.”
Bernard stayed quiet. He didn’t know how to respond to this. He’d known men whose partners abused them, but none of them talked about it.
“He and I started dating when I was twenty. He was ten years older than me. It started out great. But two years into the relationship he…changed.”
Tears formed in Kelly’s eyes as he spoke. Bernard could only imagine how hard it was to go through the abuse and now to talk about it.
“It was little things at first. Just disregarding my feelings, or telling me I didn’t do the dishes right, or dinner wasn’t ready on time.”
Bernard sat in silence.
“He started putting cigars out on my chest and stomach,” Kelly choked. “During sex, he cut deep into my back with his nails.”
“Kelly, I don’t know what to say.”
“You listening is all I need.” Kelly took a deep breath and continued. “He berated me daily. He physically and emotionally abused me. You’d think a guy my size wouldn’t have put up with that. But I was twenty-two, and smaller. He was big, I mean huge. He scared me.” Kelly was crying now.
Bernard reached an arm around to comfort him. He watched this mountain of a man cry. Kelly made himself vulnerable. Bernard stayed silent, letting Kelly lead the conversation.
“For eight years I stayed. For eight years he abused me. I gained weight. I became depressed, and I let it continue.”
“Kelly, you can’t blame yourself. That man sounds evil.”
“I don’t blame myself anymore, but I did for a long time. I went to the police, but they laughed at me. Four years ago, I left him. I couldn’t bear to stay in the same town, so I moved here. John and Sarah helped.”
Bernard now had both arms wrapped around Kelly. His body jerked with each sob.
“So, I’m here and I’m healing. I have friends like you to help me.”
“Thank you for trusting me, it means a lot.”
“I wanted you to know, so you knew why I didn’t want to date. I think you’re a great guy, but what I’ve gone through still haunts me.”
“Rory asked if I would have dated you if we’d both been ready,” Bernard said. “I said I didn’t know.”
“Who knows. If things had been different, I might have considered a date. What I know now is you’ve become a wonderful friend, and that’s what I needed. I’m still not ready to date, but I know one day I’ll be ready. One day I’ll find someone special.”
“You will.”
“But you’re ready now,” Kelly said. “You told me you weren’t ready when we talked. But I know you were. You just needed the right man. That man is Rory. You belong together. You can’t let him go.”
“I—”
“No excuses,” Kelly said. “I lived a lie for years. I know what it’s like. You’ve been single for so many years, and you deserve happiness. You deserve love.”
Bernard tightened his grip around Kelly. Tears filled his eyes. Kelly was right. If this man, who’d been through hell and back with his ex, could see there was still hope for himself, then Bernard could do the same. He wanted nothing more than to be with Rory. He loved Rory but didn’t know how to get him back.
“So, I just have to figure out what to do. He’s probably still mad at me.”
“The best thing to do is let him know how sorry you are. Let him know you made a mistake and that you’ll be here when he’s ready. He will come around. He loves you.”
“Thanks, Kelly.”
They finished the Gondola ride and met back up with Sean and John.
*
THE SUN WAS setting when they left the park. Sean dropped off John, picked up Chester and Ginger, and took Kelly and Bernard to Bernard’s house.
“I wanted to thank you both for a wonderful day,” Bernard said. “It was eye-opening. I’m ready to move forward.”
Bernard hugged them both and waved as they left.
He filled Ginger’s food and water bowls. Bernard showered and got ready for bed. It was a long day. He’d had a great time. He still thought about what Kelly said. Kelly had opened up to him about his past, but still made it about Bernard. He wanted Bernard to be happy. He didn’t hit on him, flirt with him, he was a genuine friend. Kelly advised reaching out to Rory.
He put on When Harry Met Sally …. Harry and Sally, after bickering for years, fell in love with each other. He was in love with Rory. He wanted to be with him. The phone called to him. He yearned to call Rory and hear his voice. Time ticked by and he hadn’t decided. He needed to decide what to do. One call couldn’t hurt. One call could fix everything. One call could ruin everything. Everything rode on what he did next.