Chapter Twenty-Four
Rory
Saturday, July 25/Sunday, July 26
BERNARD OPENED THE door and Rory leaped into his arms and hugged him.
“I’m sorry. I should have talked to you instead of walking away. I’m so sorry, Bernard. I hope you’ll forgive me.” The words tumbled out of him. His grip on Bernard loosened.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I hurt you. I shouldn’t have called your mom a bitch. I hope you can forgive me.”
“Yes, I forgive you. I do.” Rory squeezed him.
He allowed Bernard to hold him tight in his arms. The warmth of his body enveloped him like a blanket. He was safe.
“Come in.”
Bernard brought in soda and a bowl of chips.
“Rory, I should have kept my calm when your mother called me a faggot, but it was too much. It felt like she was calling you one too, and I didn’t want you to face that. I’ve been through it, and I should protect you.”
“Thank you for thinking of me. You called her out on what she’d said. It might not have been the nicest way, but she hurt and upset you. I understand.”
Bernard pulled Rory to him and wrapped his arms around him. Rory laid his head against Bernard’s chest and let out a breath.
“I want to be with you,” Bernard said.
“I want to be with you too.”
Bernard began snoring as Rory drifted off.
He shook Bernard awake. “You should probably go to bed and use your machine.”
“But I like holding you right here,” Bernard said.
“I like it too, but I don’t want you to stop breathing. It scared me.”
“Okay. What if you stayed the night?”
“I’d like that. Let me run home and grab a few things, then I’ll be right back.”
*
RORY PACKED THE supplies he needed for the night, fed and watered Mina, and cleaned out her litter box.
“I’ll be back tomorrow,” he told her as he walked out the door.
*
BERNARD LET HIM shower first. He was going to spend the night with Bernard in his bed.
Will he expect something? I don’t want to disappoint him. Will he want sex? I don’t know how. I’ll just disappoint him.
“I normally sleep in just my underwear,” Bernard said, “but I’ll put on a T-shirt and gym shorts if it makes you more comfortable.”
“Just sleep how you normally do,” Rory said. “I’ll be fine.”
“Underwear it is,” Bernard said. “I can’t say I won’t get hard while sleeping next to you, and you might feel it.”
Rory’s heart warmed at the consideration. He’d always slept in pajamas. He didn’t know why he still did, but he did.
They got into bed. Rory couldn’t help but notice the bulge in Bernard’s underwear. He didn’t appear hard. Was Bernard turned on by him? Just looking at Bernard half-naked caused his cock to stir. He concentrated on keeping it soft.
Bernard curled up behind him and wrapped his right arm over him. He tucked away his left arm under the pillow.
“While I enjoy holding you, I need to face the other direction so that my CPAP works properly,” Bernard said after twenty minutes of cuddling.
“Okay.”
Bernard filled and started his machine.
“You can hold me if you want. I’ll just sound weird when I talk.”
“That sounds nice.”
Bernard faced the edge of the bed, his back facing Rory. The hum of his machine echoed in Rory’s ears.
Rory positioned himself behind Bernard. He wrapped his arm around his big body. Bernard grabbed and squeezed it against his chest.
They were together after twenty years of friendship.
I’m in a relationship for the first time in my life. How long have I yearned to hold someone? How long have I yearned to hold Bernard? We have a lifetime ahead of us.
*
RORY LOOKED AT his watch when the alarm went off. It was six. “Oh, I better get home and get ready for church.”
“Okay, do you want to meet at the park this afternoon?” Bernard asked, his voice robotic from his CPAP mask.
“Yes, I do.” Rory smiled. “Does two sound good?”
“Two is perfect.”
Bernard removed his mask so they could kiss before Rory headed out.
*
RORY SAT BETWEEN his parents at church. He missed everything being said. His thoughts remained with Bernard, and the evening they spent together. Comfortable in Bernard’s arms and his bed. This was love.
“It’s good you have decided church is the place to be,” his mother said, “not gallivanting around.”
Rory nodded but didn’t respond. He didn’t care what she thought right now. What did she know about his feelings? She didn’t know what his heart wanted; all she knew was what tradition told her. He wouldn’t live his life that way anymore.
The priest approached him after service. “Rory, I would like to talk to you.”
“Yes, Father Joseph.” He looked back to his parents. “I’ll see you at lunch.”
“Come with me,” Father Joseph said.
Rory followed him. Had it been too long since his last confession?
They entered a small office, not the confessionals.
“Is there something wrong, Father?”
“No, your mother has brought up some concerns to me and asked that I intervene.”
Had his mother talked to Father Joseph about his personal life? That was unacceptable. She had no right to talk to anyone about what he did. What had she told him? Did she tell him about Bernard? Did she tell him she thought he was gay? He feared they would try to send him to a conversion camp. While they designed those places for teenagers, adult conversion camps existed. They could hold his standing in the church as ransom until he completed a course.
“What did she say?” His throat dried out as he said the words.
“She’s concerned that you’re still unmarried.”
“I haven’t found the right person yet.”
He’d said person and not the right woman. Father Joseph seemed to notice as well. He raised an eyebrow.
“The right woman is probably in front of you, but you are too blind to see.” He emphasized the word woman.
“I’m sure I’ll know when it’s right.” Rory wasn’t going to give Father Joseph any more ammunition.
“Well, I’m sure you could learn to love the woman you marry. You’re getting older and at some point, you’ll have to choose. Missy is a lovely girl. You might give her a chance.”
His mother had told him more than he’d ever want anyone to know. He and Missy had this discussion. They were not interested in each other.
“Yes, Father. I will do as you ask.”
Years in the church taught him to agree with his elders and do as they say. You don’t back-talk, argue, or disagree. You do what you’re told and move on. He had no intention of courting Missy, but Father Joseph didn’t need to know that.
“On another subject. It’s been a while since your last confession. You may want to stop by soon.”
“Yes, Father.”
*
RORY WAITED IN the parking lot of the park after lunch. He checked his watch; it was ten minutes to two. Bernard would be here soon. He wondered if he’d got cold feet or decided that he wasn’t ready. Rory wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve.
Bernard pulled up five minutes later. Rory walked over and helped pull out the basket for lunch.
“You didn’t have to make anything,” Rory said.
“Well, if we’re going to spend the day at the park, we have to have something to eat.”
They walked down the path, Ginger on her leash, until they came to the clearing near the lake.
“I like this spot,” Rory said.
“Then we’ll eat here.”
They unpacked everything and sat for lunch. Bernard let Ginger explore the surrounding grass.
“Did you make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?” Rory asked.
“Look,” he said, smiling. “You didn’t give me a lot of notice. I threw together what I had.”
They both laughed while they ate their sandwiches and chips.
“Thank you for making lunch,” Rory said.
“It’s my pleasure. I don’t care what we eat, so long as I get to eat with you.”
“You’re so sweet.”
When they finished, they lay down on the blanket. Ginger curled up between them. Rory stretched out his hand and ran his fingers through the grass. It was soft and lush.
He looked over at Bernard. Bernard lay there, eyes closed. Rory just listened to him breathe. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to press his lips against Bernard’s and never stop.
We’re in public. How would he feel if I kissed him in the park? What would other people think?
The image of the man yelling at them flashed through his head and he resisted kissing Bernard.
Bernard sat up. “It’s such a beautiful day.”
“It really is.”
“Do you want to go for a walk?” Bernard asked.
“I’d love to walk with you.”
The scent of the lake drifted outward. Rory wrinkled his nose as a hint of muck hit him. When was the last time they cleaned the water? It was a man-made lake, and the few ducks and fish were not enough to keep it clean.
As they walked around the lake Rory resisted the urge to reach out and grab Bernard’s hand. He yearned to feel his touch. The movie theater was the last time he touched his hand.
“I love the warm summer air,” Bernard said. “It’s so nice.”
“Yes,” Rory said.
Bernard stopped and moved off the trail. Rory followed. Bernard collapsed against a tree and held himself. Tears filled his eyes as his breathing staggered. He was hyperventilating.
“What’s wrong?” Rory knelt beside him.
“It’s…down the trail… I saw…I saw Jason and Tracy.”
“What?”
“They were kissing and hugging on the side of the trail. It was them, I know it. God, I can’t see them.”
“We don’t have to see them,” Rory said. “Let’s go back the other way.”
“I can’t move. I’m…I’m not strong enough.”
Bernard was paralyzed from his past. Rory remembered when Jason and Tracy had each cheated on him. How they broke him. Those men were heartless and vile. Bernard deserved to forget what they did, but here they were, reminding him of his past. Rory’s heart ached for him.
“Come on.” Rory helped him to his feet.
“I thought that was you,” a voice came from the trail.
Tracy stood there, a smug look on his face, Jason behind him.
“Still the same man,” Tracy said, “so emotional.”
“What’s your problem?” Rory asked.
“Is this your boyfriend?” Jason stepped forward.
“Yes, and I’m a much better boyfriend than either of you could ever be.”
“He’ll leave you too,” Tracy said. “He’s a sad, pathetic man who doesn’t know what he wants. He acts like he does, but really doesn’t.”
Rory looked around. Bernard had fallen back to a sitting position. He was shaking, crying, and wasn’t defending himself.
Bernard always stands up to bullies. What’s wrong?
“You both cheated on him.” Rory rounded on them, trying to control his anger. “You betrayed your relationships and now you’re together. I guess you wanted an open relationship but didn’t have the guts to voice it to Bernard because you know he wouldn’t go for it. He knows what he wants, and it’s neither of you. So, why don’t you move along. You obviously deserve each other.”
“Fuck you,” Jason said.
“No, fuck you!” Rory said. “Get lost. You had no reason to come talk to us except to be assholes. So, just go.”
The pair turned around. “They deserve each other,” Tracy said as they walked away.
“He’s as sad and pathetic as Bernie,” Jason said.
Rory knelt next to Bernard. Tears still soaked his beard.
“They’re right, I’m pathetic,” he said.
“No, you’re not. They’re assholes. I know it hurts, but you have me. I’m here for you, no matter what. I’ll never treat you the way they did.”
Bernard smiled up at him. “How did I find someone so wonderful as you?”
“Because you’re a sweet and wonderful man who deserves to be happy. I’m glad I could give you that happiness.”
They made it back to the blanket and Bernard dried up his tears.
“So, do you have snack cakes for dessert again?” Rory stifled a giggle.
“Actually,” Bernard said, “I brought Hostess apple and cherry pies.”
They both laughed. It was nice to hear Bernard laugh. He needed to forget about Jason and Tracy.
Rory grabbed an apple pie while Bernard ate a cherry. They talked about how the last few weeks went, skirting around the obvious discussion of how they left things the last time they saw each other.
“So, when do you start the position at the college?”
“Classes start in a week,” Rory said. “I’m teaching three classes this semester.”
“That’s amazing,” Bernard said. “I’m so happy for you.”
“It’s really exciting. I’ll be doing the same thing as before, but a little more pay.”
Bernard leaned over and embraced him in a hug. It was cozy. Rory hugged him back. He missed this. Bernard’s touch. His compassion. His genuine interest in him. These were the things that mattered. Bernard was the man he hoped to spend the rest of his life with.
“Sorry.” Bernard pulled away. “I didn’t know if I should hug you in public.”
“It’s nice,” Rory said. “I like your hugs.”
“I like your hugs too.”
They packed up and headed to the parking lot.
“I’ll meet you at your house,” Rory said.
He needed to spend time with Bernard.
He is one of the few people who doesn’t tell me what or how to feel. He lets me decide. My friends are right, Bernard never tried to coerce me.
“That sounds nice.”
Rory’s heart raced as he followed Bernard home. He didn’t know what would happen, but he knew they needed to complete their day. Running into Tracy and Jason had to be difficult for him. Rory needed to be there for him.
Rory stood on Bernard’s porch. They locked eyes. He looked deep into Bernard’s eyes. He took in Bernard’s warm smile. His soft beard. The small crook of one side of his mouth was higher than the other. Bernard had thick lips. He wanted to run his fingers through his wavy hair. Hold the strands between his fingers. Bernard had let it grow out. He’d never wanted to do this with anyone else. He’d never had feelings this strong for anyone.
Rory grabbed both of Bernard’s hands. He smiled at him. He slowed his breathing as they held hands.
“I’m so glad we could talk,” Rory said. “It hurt being away from you.”
“It hurt me too.” Bernard put his hand on Rory’s cheek.
“We all make mistakes.”
“I’m sorry about what I said. I know it was heart-wrenching for you and I felt like the worst person in the world for doing it.”
The mix of emotions running through Rory over the past week had been overwhelming. Anger at his mom for spying and interfering, then calling Bernard a slur. Anger at Bernard for calling his mother a name. He was angry, sad, hurt, and disappointed. He cried himself to sleep so many nights. His friends and father brought him to his senses. Bernard wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, not on purpose.
“I understand you were upset. I know you didn’t mean it the way it sounded. You were worried about me.”
“I promise never to hurt you like that again.”
“I know you won’t.”
Rory placed his hand over Bernard’s. Bernard had a gentle touch. He pressed his face against Bernard’s hand. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Heat filled him. A burning desire he couldn’t explain.
“I would like to kiss you,” Bernard said.
Rory opened his eyes to see want in Bernard’s. The words he’d longed to hear.
“I want to kiss you too.”
Rory closed his eyes. Their lips met. Soft and warm. He was kissing Bernard for the second time. This time was different. It was gentle and soft.
Rory wrapped his arms around Bernard and pulled him in. He opened his mouth and their tongues met. His body tensed at the flavors in Bernard’s mouth. Sweet strawberry jam and peanut butter with a hint of cherry. His cock perked up. Bernard’s arms rubbed his back. Rory wanted to reach down to see if Bernard was hard as well. He wanted to feel what he did to him.
Rory pushed his body against Bernard’s. He held him tight as they kissed. Bernard returned the pressure. Bernard’s arms tightened around him. They fit together.
Rory was kissing a man in broad daylight. In public. He didn’t care who saw. His heart burned for Bernard. He didn’t want this to end.
They broke the kiss. Rory stared into Bernard’s eyes. He cared about this man. Bernard was the first man he’d ever kissed, and Rory wanted him to be the last. No one could compare to the passion he felt for him.
“Kissing you has been the best experience of my life.” Rory kissed him again. “I want to kiss you for the rest of my life.”
“I’ll be here for you to kiss, for the rest of my life.”
They embraced again and kissed. Bernard didn’t judge him for being inexperienced. He treated it like it was normal to be thirty-five and kissing someone for the first time. It made him want Bernard more. Did Bernard enjoy kissing him? He had two exes and had probably kissed other men too. Were they better kissers? Did Bernard want someone with more experience? He didn’t want to think about it. Bernard was an honest man and if he didn’t want to be with Rory, he’d tell him. He needed to let this be what it was. A wonderful day, with a wonderful man, that ended in the best kiss he could imagine.
I want to spend every night with him. Would that be too much, too fast? I don’t know how to do this.
“I had such a wonderful day,” Rory said. “I should get home and take care of Mina. Can we go out next Friday?”
“We can go out any night or day you want to.”
Bernard kissed him again. He escaped into the kiss. If this was what it was to be in love, then he’d been missing out for so many years. They had a lot of catching up to do.
Rory said goodbye and headed home.
He went to the phone and called Sarah.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Sarah. It’s Rory. I need to talk to you.”
“What’s going on?”
He told her about the day they had. Mentioned the apology, him running back to Bernard, and about the run-in with Jason and Tracy.
“What were those assholes doing at the park?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Rory said. “But they are together. I got his mind off it, but I think it’s best to not mention them. He was bad, I mean real bad. I don’t want to see him like that again. If anyone brings up Jason or Tracy again, he might relapse.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll let everyone know.”
Rory called Davi, Sophia, Nicolas, and Jeff to let them know what happened. Everyone needed to be aware. While he’d said he was fine, today proved otherwise. Rory wanted to protect Bernard.
After getting the calls out of the way, he had a few hours before bed, so he worked on the sweater for Bernard, a tribute to his bear.
He put on Seven as something to watch while he knitted. He’d seen it a dozen times, so it worked as background stimulation.
“What if this doesn’t last?” he asked Mina. She’d curled up on the back of the couch behind his head. “What if what I’m feeling is just momentary and Bernard and I drift apart?”
I need to stop thinking that way. I need to take it one day at a time. Just let things progress.
He had to let it play out and accept if it ended. When it ended.