Thirty-One
Leah
I t took every ounce of power to get off that couch. Getting up was the last thing I wanted to do. I still felt weak all over. I couldn’t stop shaking, and I knew it was because my body hadn’t caught up to the news. I was still paralysed with fear.
When I did get up, Melanie was already dressed and ready too.
“I’m going to see Marlena and Harold too. Did you want me to ride with you?” she asked.
“No,” I answered with a shake of my head. “You go straight there. I don’t know how long I’m going to be at Cheryl’s.”
“Okay, but are you sure you can drive? You look really messed up, Leah.”
“I’ll be fine.”
I downed a cup of coffee before I even made it to the car. By then, my nerves had calmed down somewhat. Taking a deep breath, I popped a headphone into one of my ears and played a song on my iPod on the way to Cheryl’s.
A song by Carter.
I let his voice calm me down, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t sobbed most of the way there.
Fuck, Leah, what if he had died? Where would you be then?
I’d be filled with regrets, held back by my own fear.
I’d have blamed myself.
I’d have wondered the what-ifs.
By the time I made it to the trailer park, I was somewhat in better shape. I parked the car and got out, and by then, Cheryl had stepped out and onto the porch, wearing sweatpants and a sweater with holes the size of her head.
Holding a cigarette in one hand, she waved at me with the other, and I swallowed hard, trying to look elsewhere than at her, when I waved back.
She was doing better since Russell was put away for aggravated assault on a police officer two years ago. This was all after he’d been drunk driving and crashed his car into the back of another car with a family inside. It happened early in the day, too, something stupid like two in the afternoon.
Honestly, he was a fucking idiot, so I wasn’t at all surprised.
Karma, right?
Cheryl stopped whoring herself, and according to her, she was done with the drugs. But I wasn’t so sure about it, especially now as I was walking toward her. She was frail, her hair dry-looking, and her skin pasty white.
Since I’d heard about what happened to Russell, for some dumb reason, I held a soft spot for her. Maybe it was because I knew what it was like being under Russell’s control, and at times there were parts of her I’d seen when she wasn’t so drunk, little peeks of what she must have been like before she was drug-dependant.
So, out of my pay check, I put aside fifty dollars a week and gave her two hundred once a month to clear a bit of rent and food. She found herself a job at a diner, but it was a distance away, which was why I was here now.
I’d found her another trailer closer to work, so she wouldn’t have to catch the bus. The actual trailer park was a million steps above this one, and it was clean and tidy, in a very nice area. It even had a maintenance crew come around to take care of the gardens. A lot of elderly people resided there, and it appeared a picture of health in comparison to this neglected shithole.
I wanted her to be comfortable.
I wanted her to be happy.
All bullshit aside, I did care for Cheryl.
“How are you?” she asked me as I finally made it to her.
“Good,” I answered quietly. “You ready to go?”
I didn’t want small chat. I just wanted to get this done fast and make it to Marlena’s house.
“You don’t look so good,” Cheryl remarked. “Is this about that crash with your boy?”
I glanced up at her in surprise. “You heard about that?”
“Everyone’s been talking about it. Don’t you worry, though. I’m sure he’s okay. They found a survivor already. Pulled him out of the water. I bet you it’s him.”
I swallowed hard again. “Yeah, it is.”
“Things happen for a reason.”
“What kind of reason?” I felt silly asking for answers from her of all people.
“I don’t know. To make you learn to appreciate life more, I suppose.” She puffed out a cloud of smoke before throwing it on the ground and stomping it out. “One minute you’re livin’, and the next you’re not. That’s life.”
“Yeah…”
I helped carry a few boxes, and we loaded it up in the car. Then she took a seat and waited for me. I glanced around the trailer park, remembering at one time how lively it had been with kids. My gaze fell on an old, deflated basketball sitting in the middle of a plot of grass.
I used to love watching Carter play.
I used to love Carter, period.
I still do.
A tear escaped as I thought about our moments together. He was my soulmate, and I’d been trying so fucking hard to believe we lived in two different worlds. Our lives were different, sure, but that didn’t mean we weren’t the same people.
I turned to his old trailer, saw a different car parked than the truck his father had been driving. I saw the window I used to climb in and let out a shaky breath.
I missed him.
I wanted him.
“Do you ever think it might be too late to fix something?” I asked Cheryl as I opened the car door, my eyes still on that trailer.
“If you don’t try, you’ll never know,” she answered.
*
Marlena and Harold were distraught, but they were happy to receive the news just the same. We cried, pondering the what-ifs, and I could feel Marlena’s penetrating gaze.
“You need to stop wasting any more time,” she told me right before I left. “Love’s painful, but it’s worth it.”
When I got home that night, Melanie got ready for work and left. She didn’t want to leave me alone at first, but I assured her I’d be fine. He was alive, that was what mattered. Had he not been…? Well, I’d have been crumbling.
I sat on the bed for a long while, drowning in the silence as I thought of my next step. I thought I had everything in my life. I was playing it safe, and I…
I supposed I lost myself along the way all over again.
I was tired of living under an illusion.
I’d shed so many tears today, and I knew—deep down—it was time to stop. To surrender.
Moving off the bed, I pulled out the shoebox and hastily removed the letters. I tore open the last one he’d sent me and with shaking hands, read it.
Letter number: 4
Attempts at warming your heart with my Carter charm: 4
Success rate: 0
Steam rating per letter: 0/10 (because somehow telling you of all the explicit fantasies I have of you may not be suitable in a love letter)
Lovey-Dovey rating: 10/10 (I’m desperate and pathetic)
I’m not sure if you’re even reading these. I’d be at your door right now if I knew it would work, but everyone’s telling me you’re healing. I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re just distracting yourself from the truth.
What we had was real.
What fucked it up was me .
I was scared of commitment because I was scared of getting hurt. I witnessed love in the poorest form, but it didn’t matter to me as a boy. I loved my mother, with everything inside of me. Despite her mental illness, I hoped she’d get better, and when life got too hard, she took the easy way out and left behind two broken people.
That was the day I shut down.
Something inside me broke, Leah.
I can’t describe it. I just…switched off, Angel. Every time I got close to loving, I felt panicked because it reminded me of that hurt and I just wanted everything to be easy. Feelings? They were never easy for me.
My father died last week. He had a heart attack, and just thinking about the years we wasted away being angry, I’m sad that we never mended our relationship. We could have, had I not been so miserable and determined to block people out.
It got me thinking of things.
Pain is unavoidable. It comes in many different ways for many different reasons.
I needed you because you helped me forget. Being with you, having you open your body for me the way you did, was the most selfless act anyone has ever done for me. I took you, and each time I did, I grieved my loss and fell more and more in love with you.
And I pissed it away by having cold feet.
I pissed it away by not muttering the three fucking words that I’ve been wanting to mutter since the day I saw you.
I love you.
And I hate that I have to write that down on a piece of paper, but it might get through to you enough to realize I’m certain of what I want.
And I want you. I always will.
Time apart is time wasted.
Now, for the love of God, would you answer me already?
Tear drops fell over his words, and I let out a ragged breath.
I was a fool.