Chapter 22
Three screeching voices on three different keys filled the car.
The Wicked soundtrack had been on loop in our house since Ben took us to see the show the previous week for Sophie’s birthday. Right now, both my girls and Paris were singing along in the back seat of my SUV. Sophie belted loud enough to fill an auditorium, while Clara and Paris sang quieter, but no less enthusiastically, on either side of her.
Earlier in the week, Quinn had reached out. The calls she’d promised to help me prepare for the students had turned into hours of talking about everything we could think of. Good places to find clothes that permitted women to actually have curves. The apparent drama on campus between faculty and staff—hence her lack of invite to our dinner. Her recommendations for the next book that would inevitably take me a year to read. In Boston, she’d been nice but professional. Outside work, she had no filter, and I was obsessed with her. She was determined to get me up to Gainesville, her hometown and my alma mater.
“I’m visiting for some family stuff, but come up on Saturday and we can hang out!”
“I don’t know if we can fit it in. And I don’t want to take away from your family,” I said.
“It’s not taking away from them. You’re giving me an excuse to get away for a few hours, thus keeping me from losing my shit and saying something I’d regret. You’d be helping my relationship with my family.”
I laughed. “Why are you coming into town last-minute? Is everything okay?”
I could almost hear the epic eye roll in her voice. “Yes, everything’s fine. My perfect brother proposed to his perfect girlfriend this past weekend, so they’re having an engagement party. The rest of my family is all in Florida, and they guilted me into flying down with only five days’ notice. It’s a bit easier to drive a couple hours than fly a thousand miles, you assholes.”
“It’s kind of far for a day trip, Quinn.”
“Bullshit! It’s only two hours away, and don’t even try to lie and say you haven’t done a day trip. I know you’ve come up for games. Are you telling me football is more important than I am? Plus, you said you haven’t been in years, and it would be so much fun.”
I wanted to go. I loved visiting campus, and we had gone up at least a few times a year before Jason died, but the idea of going without him seemed overwhelming now.
“I haven’t been back since Jason’s death. There are a lot of memories there.”
Quinn sighed. “Well, I feel like a dick for pushing. No worries, I’ll come down to you. It will give me more time away.”
I paused. It would be easier to stay in Orlando. I wouldn’t have to deal with four hours in the car. But was I going to go the rest of my life without visiting Gainesville again? It was one of my favorite places in the world, so why not face it with a new friend to help fill it with new memories?
“No, I want to come. I’ll bring the girls and show them where their dad and I met.”
We coordinated the plan over the next few days. I asked if her parents could get us into the dining hall for lunch, much to Quinn’s chagrin. The dining hall was only for employees and students, so not only would she have to eat the crappy food, but she’d have to ask her dad—a big-shot professor—to get her passes so we could access it. She stopped outright complaining after I told her about my history with Jason there.
In a turn of events that shocked no one, Sophie begged for Paris to join us. Ben was happy to let her tag along and get an entire Saturday to himself.
Sophie finished screeching out the ending and was ready to go again. “Restart ‘Defying Gravity,’ Mom!”
I calculated how many times I’d have to listen to this song before we reached Gainesville. A two-hour drive divided by about five-ish minutes per song. Assuming they want it over and over, which seemed likely, I’d hear Idina Menzel belt the final riff more than twenty times.
By the time we pulled up to campus, I could have written a thirty-page thesis on the complexity of this same damn song. But we made it the whole way without a single argument, so I’d take the trade-off.
We headed straight to the dining hall, where we met Quinn, who did an impressive job of limiting her scowls to the dining-hall food instead of aiming them at me.
After a questionable meal of “pad thai,” we gave the kids free rein to enjoy the dessert table. Quinn and I followed a few steps behind as they sprinted toward the cookie tray.
I slipped my arm through Quinn’s. “Thank you for getting us in here.”
She sighed like the world was on her shoulders. “You’re welcome. Feel lucky that I like you so much. Families are exhausting, and asking Dad for something is a special brand of torture.”
I eyed her, but we’d reached the dessert table and she busied herself with a plate.
“What’s the deal with your dad?” I asked.
She took a giant bite of a cookie, taking her time chewing. “We aren’t here for my drama. We’re here for yours. Tell us all about Jason.”
I laughed as I led the way. It was refreshing that she didn’t tiptoe around my past. I gathered the kids over by the table where Jason asked me out, even though there was a group of students sitting there. We awkwardly hovered as I told them how he walked right over, completely confident. All three kids got dreamy looks on their faces. One of them murmured, “How romantic,” and the others sighed.
Sophie and Clara shot back to the table with Quinn in tow, their dessert plates piled high.
I started to follow, when Paris tugged on my shirt. “Are you sad, Miss Juliana?”
The question surprised me. I’d been having a great day and didn’t think I seemed upset, but Paris’s large brown eyes didn’t hold any accusation, only curiosity.
“No, sweetie, I’m not sad. Why do you ask?”
“Because Sophie and Clara’s dad is gone, and you loved him.” Paris was chewing on her lower lip and looked away, like she was trying to hide her emotions.
I ran a hand over her hair. “I think I’ll always be a little bit sad. When people we love leave us, it changes us, doesn’t it?”
She looked back up with tears in her eyes and nodded. “I miss my mom. But she didn’t want to stay with me.”
I bent down to her level and pulled her into my arms. The idea of anyone choosing to walk away from this child blew my mind.
“I think it’s okay for us to miss them and let ourselves be sad sometimes. But we’re also so lucky to have so many other people in our lives to love, too. That sadness doesn’t stop us from having love in our hearts to give. Don’t you think?”
I felt the complete truth of those words. Caring for Ben, maybe even loving him, didn’t take away from the love I’d always carry for Jason.
“I love my daddy. And Sophie and Clara!”
“And they love you.” I smiled as I watched the shadows leave her eyes.
“And I love you!” There was no tentativeness in the statement, and I was awed by how easily she shared her love after being hurt by the person she should have been able to trust.
“I love you, too, sweetie.” I pulled her into another tight hug, fighting back my own tears.
Quinn and I took the girls on a tour around campus, watching as they sprinted up and down the steps of the football stadium and cartwheeled across the green spaces. My heart swelled at the sight. I had missed so much during the past few years. My favorite things in life had been so inextricably tied to Jason that I cut them out while I healed.
But recently, staying away from them had become less about protecting my heart and more of a habit. It was like I had been thrown out of a boat the day Jason died and had been treading water ever since. My head was above the water. I could breathe. But I had been so focused on not drowning, I forgot I could swim.
“It’s interesting your colleague trusts you enough to take his daughter out of town.” Quinn glanced at me from the side of her eyes while we sat in the shade watching the girls play.
“Yeah.”
“You must be really close,” she said with a smirk.
“Yep.”
“You must have worked long and hard on your friendship.”
“Sure.”
“You must have a real deep bond.”
“Okay.”
“Goddammit, Juliana! Are you doing it or not? I saw the way he looked at you in Boston.”
I burst out laughing but shook my head at her. She scowled back, but I wasn’t talking about it, especially when the kids were a few feet away.
She huffed. “Fine, don’t tell me. Apparently, a month of friendship isn’t enough for you to spill all your secrets to me, so we should probably call the whole thing off. I don’t see the point of it if you won’t gossip with me about your sexy coworker.”
I laughed again and threw an arm around her shoulders. “Don’t be like that! You’ll break my heart.”
“Fine. But I want the details eventually, understood?”
“I’ll take that deal.”
We ended the visit at the bookstore, where I bought the girls matching Gator dresses. I snapped a quick picture and texted it to Ben. His reply came back less than a minute later.
Ben: Stop brainwashing the children
Juliana: Embrace the public school, babe! We’re going to be paying for three kids in college at the same time
I stared at my last text in horror. We hadn’t talked about long-term stuff yet. We were in an exclusive relationship, but it had been barely over a month. Not seeing other people was a far cry from combining finances and raising our kids together.
Juliana: Wow, okay. I’m sorry. That was presumptuous. Ignore me.
Ben: Don’t do that. I don’t want you to censor yourself with me
Ben: And you’re not going to scare me off. Bring on the stress of budgeting for three kids in college if it’s with you.
I bit my lip to keep in my smile. He surprised me every day with his commitment to us. No reservations. No hesitancy. No fear. Maybe I could let my own fears go and trust this was real.