Chapter 23
Saturday afternoon barbecues became a bit of a tradition with an ever-changing cast of characters. Asia joined most weeks, teasing us about how we needed to be more subtle if we didn’t want the kids to catch on, as well as my parents and Clara’s friends’ families. Niran showed up once with a whole slew of Thai food from his restaurant, and I complained to Ben that no one was ever going to want to eat my food again when they knew this was an option.
The only constant was Ben, and we fell into a rhythm, dancing around each other in the kitchen to prepare, and sneaking kisses when we knew the kids were distracted. The other moms noticed our new vibe and filled the barbecues with knowing looks and whispered questions.
I ran inside one Saturday to grab Ben, who was working in the kitchen. The laughter floating from the backyard brought a smile to my face, and a wave of contentment settled over me. This was the life I wanted.
The sight when I rounded the corner stopped me in my tracks. Blood streaked down Ben’s arm, a pained expression on his face. The world spun as images flashed before my eyes. Jason in the road, body coated with blood and his eyes unseeing. The face changed, hazel eyes shifting to dark brown, auburn hair to brown in a constant wave, the two men shifting and merging.
I registered a voice, low and frantic, but couldn’t see through the haze. My airways were cut off, my heart stuttering in a way that said it wouldn’t last much longer.
Warm hands pushed my hair away from my face. “Baby. Baby, please, talk to me. What do you need?”
I blinked and saw Ben’s face, his skin still warm and tan unlike in my vision. “Lavender,” I gasped between breaths.
He took off in the direction of my bedroom, coming back—in seconds or minutes or hours—with the lavender oil from my bathroom.
The bottle opened under my nose. “Breathe, baby.”
I sucked in desperate breaths, focusing on the feel of the hand he ran up and down my back.
“What’s going on?” I recognized Asia’s voice, even when I couldn’t communicate yet.
“Panic attack,” Ben said. “I’m taking her into her room. Distract everyone for us.”
He swept me up in his arms and carried me into the bedroom, placing me carefully on the bed. After closing and locking the door, he curled up behind me, clutching me to him as the tremors faded from my body.
Our breathing synced, his calm presence helping me find myself again. I twisted in his arms, still locked around me, so I faced him.
“Thank you,” I murmured into his chest, both touched by his support and embarrassed that I needed it.
He tilted my chin so I met his eyes. “You don’t need to thank me for that. But I’d like it if you talked to me. What happened, baby?”
I sucked in a shuddering breath. “The blood, I guess? I don’t know. You were there with blood all down your arm and I couldn’t… I just…” The shivers came back in full force, strong enough to shake the bed along with me.
Ben ran his fingers through my hair, pressing a hard kiss to my forehead. “I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “Don’t apologize. I should apologize. You got hurt, and instead of helping you, I lost my shit.”
He lifted a hand, a kitchen towel hastily wrapped around it. “It’s superficial. Just a cut at the base of my thumb. Lots of blood, but no real damage.”
“This time.” My voice broke on the words.
“Look at me, Juliana.” He waited for me to meet his eyes. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, okay?”
My breath hitched at his half smile, which was too quickly becoming vital to my existence. But another beautiful man made me those same promises once. I was offered forever but given the worst heartbreak imaginable. “You don’t know that.”
His eyes softened, and he pressed another kiss to my forehead. “You’re right. I won’t ask you not to be scared, but I will ask you to choose me anyway. Be scared with me.”
It sounded so simple when he put it like that. As I put myself back together, prepared to put on a show for our guests, I wondered why it didn’t feel so simple.
Our routine fell into place while we waited for my promotion—and with it, the freedom to come clean about our relationship. We ate lunch together almost every weekday, either in the break room with Asia or at a new restaurant. I learned he was a complete foodie, and he requested I let him treat me to lunch once a week so he could show me his favorite places. Besides Niran’s restaurant, he never let us go to the same place twice. I realized, as he led me to another hole-in-the-wall with five-star food, I couldn’t imagine my life without him, and not just because I had never eaten so well in all my thirty-five years.
May had given way to June, and between managing our kids’ hectic summer schedules, keeping the internship program together, and our regular jobs, we hardly had a moment alone. Our daily lunches dropped off as I was forced to shovel my lunch in at my desk to keep up. The interns had already been with KMG for a month, and the activities we planned for them were the only time we could find to be together. I was happy to be around Ben, but others were always with us, and I wasn’t ready to make our relationship public at work.
Each week I hosted a session with our interns on a different professional-development topic. This week was all about the basics of interviewing. These presentations were quickly becoming my favorite part of my job. The students’ enthusiasm made me feel like I was making a difference. Ben always joined to give more insight into the architecture field, and playing off each other made the presentations even more exciting.
I had just settled back into my office when my phone rang. “Ms. Ryan. I need to see you in my office as soon as possible.”
I stifled a laugh at Ben’s ominous tone. “Is everything alright, Mr. Thomas?”
“I’ll explain the issue in person. Make your way up to my office.”
“We talked about this. I only respond well when I hear ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’”
“Please make your way up to my office, and I’ll use all those words you love.”
“Give me ten minutes and I’ll be there.”
I scanned my new emails for any fires so I could rush out the door, eager to get to Ben to take advantage of the few minutes we had. I slipped into his office, making sure the door latched and locked behind me. He stood from his desk, making his way to me in a few long strides. His hands were on my waist in a second, pulling me up so I could wrap my legs around him as we devoured each other.
“God, I’ve missed you.” He let his forehead drop to mine. “The past couple weeks have sucked.”
My daily schedule was packed, and I had to stay late several nights a week to go through the CRO training with Christina. We were going into second-round interviews for my replacement, but until we hired someone, I was doing multiple jobs.
I placed a soft kiss on his lips. “I know, but it’ll be over soon.”
“Sitting in the intern presentation was torture. Watching you work is so sexy.” He trailed light kisses down my neck. “You’re passionate and confident and have them eating out of the palm of your hand. All I can think about is taking you right against that damn podium.”
I moaned in response, grinding myself against him as I pictured it.
“Let the girls have a sleepover on Friday with Paris. I’ll have the nanny watch them so I can have you all to myself.”
“Clara already has a sleepover planned with her soccer team, but Sophie would love that. What’s so important about Friday?”
“It will officially be two months since you agreed to give this a try, and I want to spoil you.”
“Aw, Ben! Are you paying attention to monthiversaries?”
“I’m keeping track of every day you let me be close to you,” he said into my neck between kisses, and I would have gone weak in the knees if he wasn’t holding me up. “And I plan to make sure you know that.”
“I already do.” My fingers slid through the hair on the side of his head. “Can’t wait.”
He lowered me down, maintaining a lazy kiss until my feet touched the ground.
Three days later, I’d dropped off the girls for their sleepovers and anxiously waited for Ben. I had decided I wanted to spoil him instead, and I ordered a blue bustier and garter set that made my eyes look even brighter than usual. I had asked him to give me an extra hour, taking the time to tame my curls and prepare without the girls looking on.
A knock sounded at the door, and I double-checked the peephole to make sure it was Ben, so I didn’t give one of my neighbors a show. I opened the door, keeping one arm on the door while the other sat on my popped hip, the pose I had decided on after far too long analyzing which was the most flattering. My stomach flipped and my heart thudded in my chest. I hadn’t worn something this flashy in years, before Clara was born.
When Ben saw me, he groaned and clutched his chest. “Are you trying to kill me?”
“You said you wanted to spoil me. Why can’t I spoil you, too?”
“I have a whole romantic evening planned for tonight.”
I shrugged playfully.
“Oh well, then. I guess I’ll go get changed.” I backed away from him with a quirked eyebrow, and he was on me in a flash. He kicked the door shut behind us as he threw me over his shoulder, sprinting back to my room.
“Ben, put me down.” I wiggled in his grasp.
“I’m pretty sure you are perfect right where you are.” He laughed and lightly smacked my ass.
Once in my room, he set me carefully back on the floor, stepping back to take me in again. His eyes shone as he ran his fingers down my neck and over a shoulder.
“You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
The quiet conviction of his words made my heart squeeze. We took our time, savoring this moment, free to explore each other with no distractions. He removed the lingerie, pressing kisses to every inch of skin, his short beard tickling and teasing.
By the time we made it to the bed, we were both on the edge. Ben’s eyes held me captive as he slowly pushed inside of me. As I looked into the depths of his dark gaze, I saw whole worlds buried inside of them. My release was a slow tidal wave, and as it crested, I almost let those three words rise up. I saw them in Ben’s eyes, too, as we came together, ending in a heap of limbs on my bed. “I guess we aren’t making it to the restaurant,” he said.
“Don’t worry. I already ordered a pizza. I scheduled it to be delivered in…” I looked at my phone. “Crap. In five minutes. I should get dressed so I can get the door.”
He kissed my shoulder, moving to get out of the bed. “No ma’am. I want you just like this, naked and stretched across the bed, for as long as I can. I’ll get the pizza and bring it back in here.”
When it arrived, we sat on the bed together, eating, laughing, and talking. I kept coming back to those three words ping ing around in my head, and it terrified me. The bigger the love, the bigger the hurt.
Be scared with me.
I asked to keep us secret to protect myself, but all it was doing now was keeping me from living my best life with him. I didn’t think people would judge us at work. Everyone knew I was taking the CRO role in a couple months, and it wasn’t like we’d been hiding our friendship in the office. We were the real thing, and it was time to bring our families into it. Visions of our future—cuddling through movie nights and sleepovers for the girls that let us wake up together—flooded my mind.
“I’ve made a decision,” I said. Ben’s brows came up in question. “I know I said I wanted to wait until after the promotion, but I’m ready to tell people about us. You are incredible, and I want to say it publicly.”
Tears filled Ben’s eyes, and he pulled me in for a long kiss.
I pulled back. “I’m still scared.”
He kissed me again. “I know.”
“I’ll probably still freak out sometimes.”
“I know.”
“I’m a total mess,” I added.
He chuckled against my lips. “I know.”
“Are you sure you want to hitch your horse to this janky wagon publicly?”
He pulled back, and I expected him to make a joke. Instead, he brushed my hair back and simply said, “Yes.” A tear slid down my cheek, and he kissed it away. “We need to tell the kids first. How do you want to handle it?”
I tried to run through all the potential reactions in my head. “I don’t think we should tell them together.”
“You think they’ll be upset?” he asked.
“I am pretty sure Sophie will cry with joy and start calling Paris her sister, but Clara may have a harder time. She should have a chance to tell me how she feels without worrying about how you’ll react.”
“I get that. Let’s each tell them tomorrow. Maybe you three can come over to our place for dinner on Sunday and we can talk it all out.”
With our plan sorted, we spent the next several hours luxuriating in each other’s company. Around 2 A.M. Ben told me he needed to get home to relieve the nanny, and I fell asleep alone but with a smile on my face, hoping I wouldn’t have to sleep alone for too much longer.