Chapter 24
Juliana: I’m heading over in a few to get Sophie! See you soon xx
Ben: Text me when you get here. I want to come out and talk to you for a second.
Juliana: I wish I could, but I’m already running late. I have to grab her and go if I’m going to make it to Clara’s soccer game on time. Tell her to run out when she hears me honk, please!
I didn’t receive a text back, but I figured Ben was busy trying to make both girls’ breakfast and help Sophie gather her overnight bag. When I honked, Sophie came barreling out of the house, throwing herself into the back seat and already partway through a story before even buckling her seat belt.
“Hi to you, too, sweet pea.”
“Sorry, Mom. I’m just so excited. Paris and I had the best night ever.”
I smiled at her in the rearview mirror. Every night was the best night ever, in Sophie’s opinion.
“Paris had so much fun, too. I’ve never seen her so happy. And Miss Stephanie may be the coolest person ever. Did you know she spent two years living in New York City? That’s where Broadway is, Mom!”
I laughed again but then paused.
“Wait, the nanny is Miss Kendall, right?”
“Oh yeah, Miss Kendall was there, too. I was talking about Paris’s mom.”
“What?” I shrieked, swerving the car out and back into our lane.
“Yeah,” she said enthusiastically. “She surprised her last night. She and Mr. Ben are back together, and Paris gets her family back.”
My heart was in my throat.
“What did Mr. Ben say?”
“Oh, he didn’t talk much this morning, but Miss Stephanie said he must be tired. He was working really, really late last night.”
That’s one way to put it. I knew Ben, and he wouldn’t be in a relationship, albeit a secret one, with me if he was getting back together with his ex-wife, but the fact he hadn’t denied it to the girls this morning was making my mind whirl.
Sophie ran off toward the field, stopping to chat with some of the other siblings who weren’t playing. With one eye on her, I dug in my purse, tossing things into the passenger seat in a frustrating attempt to find my phone.
Juliana: What the fuck is going on, Ben?
Ben: I wanted to talk to you about it this morning. I’m so sorry, Juliana. Can we talk at the field in a bit?
Juliana: Why does Sophie think you and your ex are back together?
Ben: She pulled this wild stunt yesterday. I’ll explain it all when I get there.
I threw my phone back in my purse, fuming over his nonanswer. I tried to focus on the game, pushing through stilted conversations with Katie, Morgan, and plenty of others.
Paris and Ben walked over to the field as I packed everything up. Walking at his side was a gorgeous woman with strawberry blond hair that fell in a soft wave all the way to her waist. She was tiny, no more than five feet two, and her outfit and makeup were perfectly maintained. I hadn’t even been that put together before kids, much less while trying to manage everything for them. I fought the urge to fidget with my own stretched out T-shirt and faded leggings.
Paris ran up to me, throwing her arms around me and squeezing tight.
“Did Sophie tell you the good news, Miss Juliana?”
“She told me all about last night, sweetie.” I forced a smile. None of this was Paris’s fault. “Good luck in your game.”
“Thanks.” A half second after the words left her mouth, she sprinted after Sophie.
“You must be Sophie’s mom. I’m Stephanie, Paris’s mom. She loves you so much, and we’re just so thankful for how special you make her feel. Aren’t we, honey?”
She laid a possessive hand on Ben’s arm, taking a step closer to him, and I clenched my hands at my sides to keep from pushing her away from him.
“I’m Juliana.” I shook her hand. “Ben, a word?”
I walked farther away from the crowd, keeping an eye to make sure all three kids were out of hearing range.
“What the fuck, Ben?”
He sighed and dropped his head forward, his hands anchored on his hips. “She showed up last night while I was at your place. When I got home at two, she was sitting in the living room waiting for me. She told Paris we were back together and going to be a family again.”
“And you told her she could shove it?”
“That’s exactly what I told her. I said I was going to tell Paris the truth first thing in the morning. I told her we would never be together again. But then Paris woke up happier than I’ve seen her in years. I didn’t know how she’d react if I told her it wasn’t true—that I was choosing for us not to be a family. I’m the only person she’s ever been able to rely on, and I couldn’t break her heart like that.”
“So you’re back together?” I fought to keep my breakfast from coming back up.
He shook his head quickly and stepped closer. I took a step back on instinct, and he clenched his fists. “No, I know Stephanie. She gets whims like this and decides she has to have something without thinking it through. It’s like when she decided she had to have a dog, and a few weeks later demanded we get rid of her because of the dog fur. She decided getting me back is the only way for her to be happy, and she’s willing to use our daughter to manipulate me into it. A week or two around me and she’ll remember all the reasons she left in the first place.”
“You’re lying to your daughter?”
“No,” he said, running a hand over his forehead like he was working out a headache. “Okay, only a little. I told her Stephanie could stay in our guest room while we all spent time together. I didn’t promise anything, so when she disappears again, Paris will still feel like she can turn to me.”
He wouldn’t intentionally hurt me. If he said she wouldn’t stick around, he believed it. But that didn’t make it true. His own words echoed in my head. Beautiful and bright. Fun and full of life. And one word cycled on repeat, the most concerning one:
Addictive.
It hadn’t bothered me when he said it in Boston, but now I saw it in a new light. I saw him watching her warily to start, but hit after hit of her enthusiasm, drawing him back in like a junkie who couldn’t walk away. And I saw me, sitting on the sidelines, crumbling under the disappointment.
I ground my teeth together at the thought. “Couldn’t you just be honest with Paris?”
“It’s not that simple, Juliana.” He reached for my hand and I snatched it away. “Paris makes things… complicated.”
Complicated. Like I couldn’t understand the challenges of raising kids. Or maybe he didn’t consider me an important enough part of his life to discuss those complications.
“Don’t patronize me. It’s complicated, but you’re choosing not to deal with it.”
He blinked quickly and looked up at the sky, clear blue and perfect. It shouldn’t look like that. There should be rolling thunderclouds when my life was falling apart.
“It’s not… Last time…” His throat worked like he was trying to force out the words. “I’m scared, Juliana,” he whispered.
“What happened to being scared together?” His head dropped forward, and I knew I’d lost him. “I’m not sitting around while you’re with another woman. It’s me or her.”
The petulance in my voice was embarrassing, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“It’s not you or Stephanie. It’s me or Paris. Please don’t make me choose between my happiness and hers. Two, three weeks tops, and Stephanie will be gone. I promise.”
But what if she wasn’t? She left him once already. I couldn’t imagine she’d do it again. And of course, he’d choose her—the fun, beautiful, vibrant mother of his child—over me. I put on a good face, but I’d let him see the mess underneath, the anxiety and complications of grief that would never go away. Why would he choose me?
“I can’t do it.”
He grabbed my hand as I tried to back away. “No. Please, baby. I’m just asking you to be patient. I waited until you were ready. Can we put us on pause until I can work this all out?”
I shook my head at him, blinking back tears. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just tell Paris the truth. If I wasn’t enough to warrant an uncomfortable conversation with her, I wasn’t someone he planned on building a life with.
I was crumbling, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to make a fool of myself at my daughter’s soccer game by crying and begging him to choose me.
“Asking for time to be one hundred percent certain about us before telling the kids is not the same as you asking me to wait while you’re in a relationship with another woman.” He tried to jump in and argue, but I held up my hand to cut him off. “I won’t tell you how to raise your daughter. If you feel like you have to do this, that’s your call. But this doesn’t end well for me. Either you and Stephanie fall back in love and I’m left shocked and heartbroken, or I’m the homewrecker who kept you from giving your family a real chance. I’m not interested in either.”
“Please, Juliana.” A tear slipped from the corner of his eye as he slid a hand around the back of my neck. “I can’t lose you. I love you.”
I was going to be sick. Ben had shown me how he felt about me for the past two months. It had been in the way he watched me across a room, in how he smiled through my rambling stories, and in how patient he’d stayed while I grew confident enough to go public with our relationship. But he’d never said the words, and hearing them now, for the first time, while he was actively breaking my heart, sent a spark of anger through me.
“Don’t.” I pushed him away harshly. “You don’t get to say those words to me right now.”
This is what the universe did to me. It gave me glimpses of great love. Beautiful, heart-stopping, world-altering love. And then it ripped it away in the most hurtful fashion, like it fed on my pain and needed to create as much sustenance as possible.
He nodded and looked away, wiping the tear from his cheek.
I straightened my spine, determined to make it through this conversation with some dignity intact. “I’ll see you for our work with the interns, but otherwise, I need space. Please don’t contact me.”
If I had to see him for another second, I’d break down. I turned away, schooling my face into a neutral expression as I went to gather the kids, keeping it together long enough to get home and into my room.
Then, and only then, did I collapse on the bed and finally let myself cry.
I couldn’t afford to lose it. Regardless of what had happened, I still needed to keep life moving for my kids and my department. So I threw myself into work. It had been two weeks since Stephanie showed up, and Ben had respected my request, staying away and giving me space at our meetings.
A small, irrational, immature part of me wished he wouldn’t.
The next presentation for the interns came too quickly. Ben planned to attend the meeting as usual, but this time he had sent me an email asking if we could talk before or after. No more explanation than that. It was the first contact he’d made outside of the meetings we both had to be in, and I was terrified of what he had to tell me. If he told me he loved me again, I thought I would break and give in, and if he told me he was back with Stephanie, I didn’t think my heart could handle it.
I normally arrived for the intern meeting at least ten minutes early, giving time for them to come up to ask me questions or to get to know them better. Today, I waited until the last minute to slip into the room, telling a small white lie about another meeting running long. There was just enough time to pull up my presentation and jump in. Ben was sitting in the front with his arms crossed across his chest, and I saw him run his tongue across his teeth and shaking his head in frustration. I gave him a bland stare before turning my full-watt smile on the interns.
We discussed and debated how to add their internship to their résumés and what hiring managers were looking for. I caught Ben’s eye every few minutes, finding a mixture of sorrow and admiration that broke my heart all over again.
The students had been working in pairs for the past ten minutes, and I had flitted between them. It gave me a chance to give them some one-on-one feedback and to avoid talking to Ben. I moved back to the front to call everyone’s attention back to me.
“That’s all the time we have today. We’ll be back here at the same time next week and do some mock interviews, so review those interview tips we talked about before. Keep working on your résumés, and we’ll review them again before your internship ends to make sure you have everything on there.”
I waved off a few students and rushed out the door, walking as quickly as possible without making people stare.
“Baby. Baby, please wait.” A soft hand closed around my wrist and pulled me to stop.
“I am not your baby anymore, Ben.” I looked around to make sure no one was watching.
“I know.” His voice sounded as heartbroken as I felt. “I’m sorry. I miss you so much.”
My stomach flipped, and I blinked away my tears. I missed him, too. Of course, I missed him. But that didn’t mean anything had changed in the past two weeks. I had to protect myself from even more heartbreak.
“Is Stephanie still in your house?”
“Yes, she is. But I promise you, nothing has happened between us. She’s staying in the guest room. I don’t want anyone but you.”
“Not my concern,” I cut in, trying to hold back the sob rising in my chest. “Good luck with your family. I’ll see you next week.”
Tearing myself away from him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I pushed away, heading down the stairs and away from the man I loved.