Chapter 18
Mal
It felt like all my emotions were bubbling just under the surface. Back in the day, it’d been easier to reach for something to dull the insanity. But I couldn’t do that anymore. Now I had to face and feel my emotions like a regular person and just…cope.
It fucking sucked.
I really didn’t know how to feel about having fallen apart in front of Saylor. I just knew I didn’t want her to leave.
But I also didn’t know how to deal with having her here.
Life was a bitch like that sometimes.
All my relationships previously, even my first marriage, had been very surface—all about sex or partying or fame.
But partying was out and Saylor didn’t seem interested in fame—especially after that scene at the airport.
Her need to cook dinner and…nest, I guess for lack of a better word, was so far out of my realm. I didn’t really know how to do real.
The program had given me some tools about confronting my feelings, but between my new marriage, Gio’s death, and managing my sobriety, I just felt so lost.
How did I do this without Gio? He’d been my right hand since middle school. We’d been brothers for forever. I didn’t know how life looked without Gio.
I didn’t know how the Long Licks could survive without him.
It felt like I was standing on the precipice of monumental change, and I was the dumb fuck who’d kicked it all off by getting married to a stranger—a woman twenty years younger than me.
But she was also awesome and giving and sweet and so fucking gorgeous she could’ve been on magazine covers.
I was so fucked up.
Sighing, I tossed the towel I’d been rubbing against my head onto the towel rack and left the room, following the amazing scents down the hall.
Which was when I heard a few extra voices.
“This is the shit,” Beau mumbled around whatever was in his mouth. My dinner, no doubt.
“Fuck yeah, it is,” Ryker agreed.
“I see why Mal was quick to lock you down,” Leif drawled.
“Oh, I’ve never cooked for him before,” Saylor protested in her sweet as hell voice.
“Yeah, that’s not what I’m talking about, darlin’,” Leif murmured seductively.
That fucker.
I all but ran down the hall and skidded to a stop at the sight of my whole band gathered in my kitchen, plates in their hands as they scarfed down on the dinner my wife had made for me.
“Seriously, Leif? Do I have to piss in a circle around my wife?”
“Considering she can cook like this.” Leif tossed his chin-length blond hair out of his face as he raised his plate. “I think you might need to.”
I scowled at the asshat who’d been the source of more of my angst lately than I wanted to really think about. Stupid vampire looking asshole. He’d always reminded me of Lestat from Interview with a Vampire.
Just as devious, only stupider.
After crossing the room and glaring at Leif the entire way, I put an arm around Saylor and pulled her to my side. “Any food left for me?”
“I thought you didn’t want to eat,” my mom piped up from behind Beau.
The huge behemoth’s eyes widened, and he took a big step away from the tension. He might look like a brawler, but Beau really didn’t like drama. And my mom’s tone clearly spelled drama.
He did however enjoy watching me get my ass handed to me by my mother, evidenced by the fact that he and none of the other guys left the room, despite the rising tension.
I groaned. “I’m sorry I was an ass. But in my defense, it’s been a fucking week of a day.”
Mom rolled her eyes even as she handed me a loaded plate.
I tipped my chin at her in thanks as I stared down at the burrito on my plate. It looked like every other burrito I’d ever had. Keeping one arm around Saylor, I put the plate down and picked up the burrito with my free hand and dug in.
The guys were buzzing about some new band hitting the charts, but my groan quickly drowned them out.
Once I swallowed the amazing bite, I nuzzled Saylor’s head with my nose. “Baby, this is fucking fantastic. I’m sorry I was such an ass. You got skills, baby girl.”
She blushed at my praise and shifted her weight, clearly uncomfortable with all the attention pointed her way.
“So, how did you two meet?” Beau, our bassist and the only member of our group currently married, asked with raised eyebrows.
His wife, Phoebe, tucked close to his side but had no plate or food in her hands.
She raised her eyebrows with a smirk as she subtly pushed her tits out when she caught Leif staring her way.
Leif quickly looked away.
Shit, they’d been married barely a year.
“Fiji,” Saylor’s soft voice brought me back to the conversation.
“Technically on the flight to Fiji,” I interjected. “This one turned me down when I propositioned her to join the mile high club, and that was when I knew I had to lock her down.”
The guys laughed as Saylor groaned.
“Malcolm Hendrix Holt!” My mom’s harsh voice sliced through the laughter.
I winced and feigned hiding behind my wife. Honestly, I’d forgotten she was here.
“Saylor, did he really?” Mom asked.
Saylor lifted her shoulder and then nodded.
The guys laughed some more.
“Boy, you are lucky we have an audience,” Mom scowled in my direction.
I continued to hide behind my wife and ate more of my burrito. Death would be the only thing that’d keep me from finishing Saylor’s amazing food.
“So, uh, Mal, have you had a chance to make any arrangements for Gio’s service?” Leif asked, shattering the levity of the moment.
My best friend’s death would also kill my hunger.
My burrito dropped to the plate with a plop, and I grabbed a paper towel to swipe at my mouth. Swallowing hard, I shook my head. “Not really. I arranged for him to be transported to the funeral home, but I held off on making any plans beyond that.”
“I’d like to help if I can,” Leif offered quietly.
“I think it’s safe to say we all would,” Beau rumbled. “You shouldn’t have to do it alone, man, just because you’re the official next of kin.”
“Yeah,” Ryker agreed. “We wanna help.”
“I can totally post the announcement on all my socials for my followers,” Phoebe offered with zero irony, pressing a hand to her very impressive chest.
I exchange incredulous looks with Ryker.
“Uh, thanks. I think.” I cleared my throat. “I guess that’s the first thing we need to decide. Are we doing a private or a public funeral? Followed by burial or cremation?” I felt like a tool today when I was completely unable to answer any of the funeral director’s basic questions.
“I can’t speak to the first,” Mom offered. “But Gio told me that he wanted to be buried. Fire freaked him out. Remember that time his apartment building had that fire in the middle of the night?”
“Right.” I shook my head. “He said something like that when we had those pyrotechnics on our first tour. He didn’t want any of that shit anywhere near him. Fuck the—”
“Encore.” Ryker finished with a laugh. “You’re not lighting me up like the Stay Puft—”
“Marshmallow Man in Ghost Busters,” we all said together before breaking out in laughter.
We’d given him shit for years over his hysterics when it came to pyrotechnics. I don’t know how I’d forgotten about that.
“Right, we’re burying him then.” I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans. “And the service?”
We spent the next few hours planning Gio’s service while we traded stories and laughed about Gio’s crazy antics.
It was simultaneously the best and worst night of my life. Gio would’ve loved it though. And having Saylor in my arms made it easier to get through.
After the guys left, and I got my mom settled in one of the guest rooms, I found Saylor back in the closet, staring down at her pile of luggage.
“I guess we’ll have to arrange to have the rest of your clothes shipped here,” I said, leaning against the doorjamb.
Saylor looked up with a tentative smile. “I was just thinking the same thing. And I don’t have anything suitable for a funeral. I’ll have to go shopping.”
“I’ll have Naomi set up some appointments.”
She winced. “I’d rather go with Judy and handle all the details myself, if that’s all right with you.”
“Whatever you want, baby. I do want you to think of this as your home and settle in—unpack.”
She opened her mouth like she wanted to object. But then she didn’t.
Instead, she opened the bag in front of her.
Her whole body flushed as a dildo I’d missed the first time tumbled out. She grabbed it and shoved it back into the bag then grabbed her toiletry kit and quickly closed the lid on the suitcase. “I’m just gonna go brush my teeth.”
Saylor galloped out of the room like hellhounds were nipping at her heels.
I shook my head. Given how things had gone in Fiji, I would’ve thought we were beyond all that timidness.
Or maybe it was an indictment on my dickishness.
Shit.
I slowly followed her to the bathroom and stood in the open doorway. Her face was still flushed, and she avoided my eyes as she stared at her reflection and brushed her teeth with alacrity.
Yup, this was definitely because of my dickishness.
I didn’t know what to do or to say to begin to make up the past two days to Saylor. I didn’t want her to leave, but I also didn’t know how to make her want to stay.
Sighing, I entered the bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush and brushed my teeth at the sink next to her.
Saylor kept shooting me looks out of the corner of her eye but didn’t say anything. Although fair, given she had a toothbrush in her mouth.
I smiled around my own toothbrush at my absurdity.
“What?” Saylor’s question was muffled.
I shrugged and shook my head.
After she rinsed, she rested her hip against the counter and watched me. “So what’s the plan for tomorrow?”
I spit in the sink and rinsed my mouth. “I guess Ryker and I will head over to the funeral home to make all the arrangements. You and Ma can go shopping if you’d like. I’m sure there’s lots of stuff you’ll need to make this your home.”
“Okay.” Saylor bit her bottom lip and nodded slowly. “I can do that.”
“I’ll leave the Benz for you. I want to arrange for a driver too.”
Saylor shrugged. “I think an Uber would be easier.”
“Yeah no. After that scene at the airport, I think I’d feel better if you had a driver or security with you.”
“Oh. Right.” She gave me an uneasy look. “Whatever you think is best.”
“I’ll arrange it myself.”
“Oh. I—”
“It probably wasn’t the best time to give my assistant a few days off. So I’ll make the arrangements myself because your safety is important to me.”
Her mouth closed with a click of her teeth and a warm expression came into her eyes.
“Plus my mom loves it when she has a driver and gets to hit the town like a starlet. She’ll show you how to have a good time on Rodeo Drive.”
Saylor frowned. “Your mom? The paisley wearing hippie who gave you the middle name Hendrix because of her love of Jimi Hendrix? That mom?”
“Okay, so that might’ve been an exaggeration. It might be more of a struggle than I let on. She actually hates the whole consumerism thing. So have fun with that.”
She laughed. “Totally fine. Since we have a few days, I thought I’d hit some fabric stores and maybe make my own dress for the service.”
“Only if you promise to go out and buy the best sewing machine money can buy. I don’t want you bleeding for your craft.” The memory of her sweating and literally bleeding over her wedding gown still bothered me.
“Fine.” She sighed like it was a huge ask, but then a grin stole across her face. “The best that money can buy?”
I shrugged. “We can turn one of the guest rooms into your office or sewing room or whatever it’s called. Workroom. That sounds like a thing. Let’s go with workroom.”
“You’re giving me a bedroom?”
“To work in, not to sleep.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Your bedroom is in here. You sleep next to me in this bed.”
She nodded slowly.
“Unpack whatever you have in the closet. This is your home. If you want to change shit—get new furniture, whatever—we’ll do it. I want this to feel like your home too.”
“So I can hang up some pictures? Maybe put some color into your beige?”
“Fuck yes. Whatever you want. I didn’t pick out most of this shit as it is. It came furnished, and I’ve never really spent enough time here to get around to changing anything.”
“Okay,” Saylor whispered, her eyes darting around the closet. The eager gleam in her eyes when she turned back to me made me smile.
Maybe I was getting the hang of this whole marriage thing.
My cockiness was belied a few minutes later after we climbed under the covers in the beige bed, and Saylor was so tense next to me that the whole bed practically vibrated.
And not because of one of her vibrating toys in that way that had been so much fucking fun.
I sighed and reached over, pulling her closer to me until she finally rested her head on my shoulder and her hands on my chest.
“This okay?” I asked softly.
She gave a deep shuddery sigh and relaxed against me like this was where she’d wanted to be the entire time. “Yeah. I’m good. ‘Night.”
“’Night, baby.” I pressed a kiss against her hair and relaxed into the bed.
So much of my life was in turmoil at the moment. But this, this right here, felt like everything.
And for the first time since I’d started seeing Saylor, I fell asleep with her in my arms without having sex.