Chapter 13
Jen pushed her plate away, stuffed from the huge dinner her mum had put down in front of her the moment she walked through the door. Work had been busy again, and her load seemed to be increasing weekly, but Jen couldn’t complain. Before Suzanne, she came home and wallowed around the house, but now… Now she had something to look forward to each night.
“How was dinner, love?”
Jen beamed a smile as she looked up from her plate. “It was great, Mum. It always is.”
“I was surprised when you told me you’d be home tonight.” Denise finished the last of her food and sat back in her seat at the dining table. “You haven’t been home for dinner in almost a week.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Jen reached a hand across the table and lay it over her mum’s. “I promise to be home more often.”
“Oh, Jen. I don’t want you to do that. So long as I hear your voice each day and I know that you’re safe, that’s all I can ask for.” Jen appreciated that, but she should still make an effort to be here for dinner. “Life is changing for you, and for once, it’s for the better.”
“It really is, Mum.” Jen couldn’t believe it had been six weeks since her first date with Suzanne. She’d lost count of how many dates there had been now, but that didn’t matter. They had so many more to come that she was happy to lose count. “Life is kind of crazy at the minute.”
Denise frowned as she clasped her hands under her chin and sat forward. “Why?”
“Just with meeting Suzanne and stuff.” Jen lifted a shoulder, knowing she could be vulnerable around her mum. “You know I met her niece a few weeks ago? Well, she keeps calling Suzanne to ask when she can come and stay with us again. Us , Mum. Not Suzanne. Us .”
“And what does Suzanne think of that?”
“Honestly, I don’t think she cares. She hasn’t tried to correct Elsie, and she hasn’t brought up any kind of conversation about it with me.”
“Then I wouldn’t worry about it. If you’re happy for her niece to see you as a couple and whatnot, then let it happen, Jen. Unless, of course, you’re worried about how fast this is moving.”
“It’s not that I’m worried about any of that, but Suzanne still doesn’t know where I spent part of this year and a lot of last year.”
“I think the time has been and gone when it comes to telling Suzanne about prison, my love. It’s not important anymore. Actually, I don’t believe it’s ever been important.”
“You’re not serious. I can’t keep it from her forever.” Jen wished she could keep it locked away, but it wasn’t possible. The longer they were together, the more likely it was that someone somewhere would blow it all up.
“Why not? Suzanne knows the real you. The very daughter I raised to be wonderful, loving, and kind. Isn’t that the only thing that matters here?”
Jen scoffed. “I wish it was the only thing that mattered.”
Denise studied Jen. “You’re going to tell her, aren’t you?”
“I…am. I think I have to, Mum. I know what I want, and I know Suzanne is serious about us being together, so to me, the sensible thing to do is come clean. We know far more about one another now than we did in the early days. If I was in Suzanne’s position, I’d appreciate knowing what had happened last year.”
“Would it change anything for you if Suzanne came to you to explain she’d spent time in prison?”
Jen pondered that for a moment, chewing her lip as she did so. “You know what, it wouldn’t change anything. Certainly not how I felt about her, anyway. I’d have questions, of course I would, but it’s not something I would let come between us. I’m too invested in her now, Mum. Being honest is always better than holding something in. You surely understand where I’m coming from.”
“I do, love. I understand completely.” Denise squeezed Jen’s hand and smiled. “I just think it’s important that you prepare yourself for the possibility of her not taking it very well. She may be angry and upset, so you need to prepare for that.”
“I know. I’m not expecting her to give me a round of applause, that’s for sure.” Jen didn’t want this to rest on her shoulders anymore. While they were together, prison wasn’t something that even hinted at crossing her mind. But the moment Jen was alone in her work van, it crept back in. The guilt, the idea of being dishonest, the need to be forthcoming with the truth. “I feel as though we’re at a place where she’s less likely to react really badly to it. I guess now I just have to hope that I’m not wrong.”
“I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. I wish I knew the answers, and I wish this wasn’t something you even had to deal with, but you’re sensible, and you’ll know when the time is right.”
“I have to do this tonight. I need it out of my life.” Jen lowered her head to her hands, anxiety beginning to creep in. “So long as I don’t talk myself out of it by the time I get there, then it’s happening tonight.”
Denise nodded and rose to her feet, gathering the plates on the table. “And if you do talk yourself out of it, that’s okay. This is a huge decision.”
Jen looked up at her mum. “Is it, though? Does it really have to be something huge?”
“Unfortunately, things like this usually are, Jen. But I think you’re right. I think Suzanne is going to take it far better than you likely realise.” Denise approached Jen and placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’re inseparable at the moment. That’s not going to end.”
Jen lay a hand on her mum’s where it rested on her shoulder and smiled. “I hope you’re right. And if not, if this goes terribly wrong, then at least I came clean before we could really break one another’s hearts.” Jen eyed her phone when it buzzed on the table, grinning at Suzanne’s name. “Speak of the devil.”
“I’ll let you deal with that. Cuppa before you leave?”
Jen nodded. She could do with a brew while she got her head around the sudden decision she’d made tonight. “Yes, please. That sounds lovely.”
I hope you know I’m missing you terribly.
Jen felt her cheeks heat as she read the message repeatedly. Whenever Suzanne said things like that to her, it did encourage Jen to talk herself out of what needed to be done. The mere thought of Suzanne turning her back on Jen was one that had kept her awake once or twice. Still, this was important. It was imperative if Jen truly wanted to move on with her life.
She puffed out her cheeks and responded to Suzanne.
Not for much longer, babe. I’ll be heading over soon.
With a mildly shaking hand, Jen lowered her phone to the table again and gave herself a few minutes to understand the severity of what could potentially happen tonight. Either she would remain in a relationship, or she would be coming back here with a heart that had been ripped from her chest. Because that would be the outcome if Suzanne turned her back on Jen. She would be truly devastated.
Just do the right thing. You’ll feel better for it.
Suzanne turned her watch towards herself, checking everything was as it should be. Tonight she was making things official, and the sooner Jen arrived, the sooner Suzanne could say what she needed to say. Even though Suzanne was almost certain Jen knew where they stood with one another, she wanted to say it out loud and officially make Jen hers. For a long time to come, if Suzanne had things her way.
The doorbell sounded, shocking her out of the wonderful thoughts drifting through her mind. All relating to Jen, all thoughts she would act upon once she knew it was safe to do so. Right now, Suzanne’s only hope was that Jen was on the same page as her. That she did want to be exclusive. It had always been an unspoken rule of Suzanne’s, but perhaps Jen was waiting for them to discuss it.
With a huge smile plastered on her mouth, Suzanne rushed out into the hallway and opened the front door. “Hi. Come in.”
Jen stepped inside, offering Suzanne a kiss on the cheek as she always did. “Sorry, I hoped to be here sooner. I got caught up talking to Mum.”
Suzanne held Jen’s wrist as she tried to step past her, choosing to help herself to another kiss before they locked up for the evening. “Never apologise for spending time with your mum. I’m fully aware that I’ve practically stolen you from her over the last several weeks.”
Jen shrugged. “I don’t mind, and neither does she.”
Suzanne smiled against Jen’s lips, grateful for all of the time Jen had given to her since they’d met. “Then I guess that’s that.”
Jen drew back a little and searched Suzanne’s eyes. “I guess it is. Come on, it’s cold out in the hallway.” She took Suzanne’s hand, kicking off her shoes before she stepped onto the carpet, and then tugged her inside the back living room. “Could we…talk about something tonight?”
Suzanne frowned. “Yes. But I think I know where this is going, so I’d like to say a few things first if that would be okay?”
Jen slid her jacket off and hung it over the back of a dining chair. “Sure. Go for it.”
“Could we maybe sit down first and I don’t know…breathe?”
Jen laughed and nodded. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ambush you as I walked through the door.” Jen cocked her head towards the closed folding doors that led to the living room. “Let’s get comfy in there.” Suzanne inconspicuously drew in a deep breath as Jen turned her back and opened the doors. As Suzanne’s romantic little setup came into view, Jen glanced over her shoulder, brows raised. “What’s this for, babe?”
“Don’t worry. I’m not asking you to sign your life away to me. Nothing dramatic, even though I now realise I’ve made it look exactly like that.” Suzanne wrung her hands and puffed out her cheeks. “Just…go through. I’ll explain when I can think of a sentence I’m capable of speaking out loud.”
God, Suzanne had never been the nervous type. She’d also never shied away from her feelings or what she expected of someone she was dating. Yet here she was, terrified that Jen may not feel the same way.
“Hey,” Jen reached out a hand as she sat down on the couch. “Come here. You look terrified, and I don’t know why.” Jen cast her gaze on the mass of pillows and blankets strewn all over the living room floor between the couch and fireplace. Candles flickered and gave the room a soft glow, the fire roaring and heating the place to the perfect temperature. “Suzanne?”
Suzanne shook her head. “Sorry, what?”
“Come and sit down. Talk to me. Stop looking so scared.”
On shaky legs, Suzanne moved towards the couch and sat down beside Jen. This was a ridiculous reaction to have. This woman had been nothing short of perfect since they’d met. God, she’d even met Suzanne’s niece. In fact, Suzanne’s niece loved Jen more than she loved Suzanne. But that wasn’t hard. Jen was everything Suzanne loved in a person. “I don’t know what I’m worrying about.”
“Me neither. So why don’t you tell me what’s going on and we can figure it out together.”
Suzanne smiled. “Nothing is going on , exactly. I just…wanted to check in with you, I guess.”
“Check in?” Jen eyed the decorations around the living room once again. “What exactly does all of this have to do with checking in, Suzanne?”
Oh, for the love of God. Just open your mouth and speak!
Suzanne took a breath as she turned to face Jen fully. “I want us to be exclusive. I don’t want us to date anyone else or look at anyone else.”
“R-right.” Jen took Suzanne’s hand. “Forgive me, but I kind of assumed we were already exclusive.”
Suzanne placed her other hand on her chest. “Oh, thank God.”
“Did you think that we weren’t?” Jen seemed genuinely shocked and confused. Suzanne had worked herself up for no reason at all. “Babe?”
“It wasn’t something we’d spoken about, so I didn’t want to assume.” Suzanne ran a hand through her hair, the tension falling from her shoulders immediately. “I hoped we’d be on the same page, but again…I didn’t want to assume.”
Jen lifted a hand and drew her thumb across Suzanne’s bottom lip. “You’re quite adorable, you know.”
“I’m ridiculous,” Suzanne said, scoffing. “But thank you for putting my mind at rest instead of letting me ramble on about it. I appreciate that.”
“Look, Suzanne.” Jen shifted a little closer. “When I’m dating someone, I’m dating only them. Even if we haven’t had the conversation, I would never dream of going on a date with or even looking at someone else. It’s all about you, okay? In my mind, we’ve been exclusive since the first time we slept together.”
As Jen said that, something in her tone had Suzanne frowning ever so slightly. Jen was saying the right things, but her demeanour didn’t quite fit in with her words.
“I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t know what length of time you can put up with me for. I just know that I really don’t want it to end.” Jen ran her thumb across Suzanne’s knuckles as she brought them to her lips and kissed them. “I don’t see anyone else in my future. Not for as long as you’re in my life, anyway.”
“Okay.” Suzanne cupped Jen’s cheek and smiled into a kiss. “As for all of this, I just wanted to do something nice and romantic for us. To show you that I appreciate you being here with me. It’s nothing much, just some candles and some 0% gin and tonic, but I enjoyed doing this for us tonight.”
“It looks gorgeous, babe.” Jen touched her forehead to Suzanne’s. “Not quite as gorgeous as you, but couple them together, and it’s perfect.”
Instead of thinking about what Jen had just said—Suzanne was close to telling her something far more important—she reached for the two drinks on the table and handed one over to Jen. It’s too soon to tell her you’re falling . “To us?”
That bright white smile of Jen’s made an appearance as they clinked their glasses. “Always to us.”
“Now, what did you want to talk to me about?” Suzanne relaxed back on the couch and brought her drink to her lips. “This space now belongs to you.”
Jen waved a hand between them. “Oh. Nothing important. Don’t worry about it.”
Jen mindlessly grazed her fingers through Suzanne’s hair where she sat curled up against her on the blankets covering the floor. While she had loved everything that had happened this evening, hearing about Suzanne’s desire to be exclusive, a heaviness sat in her chest. Tonight was supposed to be the night that she came clean, but after Suzanne’s heartfelt speech and all the trouble she had gone to in order to make this night perfect for them, Jen couldn’t utter the words.
She knew she had to, it wasn’t an option to keep it to herself for much longer, but tonight couldn’t be that night. Jen didn’t have the heart to ruin everything while the very woman she was wholly attached to rested against her, stroking her knee. Whilst withholding parts of her past didn’t sit well with Jen, it didn’t seem fair to unleash the truth right now. Suzanne had been an anxious mess when Jen arrived; she didn’t need to upset her on the very same night.
“Tonight has been lovely.”
Suzanne tilted her head up and smiled. “It has.”
“I can’t believe you thought I wouldn’t feel the same way as you.” Jen laughed and squeezed Suzanne against her.
“Yes, I’m…sorry about that.”
“Do you think John would approve?” Jen asked, shifting to a more comfortable position. She propped herself up with an extra couple of cushions, the warmth of the fire reminding her just how good this life could be. Winters with Suzanne would be blissful, judging by how Jen felt so far. Maybe she could even look forward to Christmas for the first time in many years. “Ruby would absolutely approve of you, I know she would.”
“John would want me to be happy. He wouldn’t care who it was with so long as I was taken care of.”
“Looks like you came to the right person then.” Jen winked when Suzanne eyed her. “Because I will, you know. I’ll take care of you.”
Suzanne splayed a hand across Jen’s chest as she leaned up and drew her into a kiss. “I don’t doubt that, baby. You’ve already shown me the kind of relationship we’ll have. I couldn’t ask for anything more.”
I hope you still believe that when I ultimately shatter your image of me.
Jen swallowed, fighting back the urge to blurt everything out right here, right now. She lay her head back, stared up at the ceiling, and sighed inwardly. She didn’t know what else to say, so she would say the first thing that came to mind and directly from her heart. “You mean the world to me. I need you to always remember that.”
Suzanne sighed and rested her head back on Jen’s chest. “Right back at you.”