Chapter 14
Suzanne moaned when Jen pressed her up against the wall in the hallway, only mildly disappointed that they didn’t have time for a little fun. Jen had called in during her lunch, but with the weather playing havoc with her delivery route today, she had decided she would head back on the road earlier than usual. That way, she could be back here to have dinner with Suzanne.
“You should go. I don’t want you rushing around to get finished on time.” Suzanne cupped Jen’s face, stealing a kiss and then another. “Stay over tonight.”
Jen drew back with a smile plastered on her face. “Consider it done. I’ll shoot home first for some clothes, and then I’ll be back.”
“Perfect.” Suzanne didn’t want to let Jen go. She didn’t want to open the door and watch her leave. She wanted to snuggle on the couch while the rain pelted the windows. To gaze at the fire while Jen held her on the couch with meaningless TV playing low in the background. “Text me when you get a moment to yourself.”
“Okay. I’ll see you in a few hours.” Jen opened the front door and stepped out, taking her scanner from the side pocket of her cargo pants. She turned back briefly, those divine eyes melting Suzanne. “If anything changes, let me know.”
“Nothing will change. I’ll be here waiting for you, and that’s that.” Suzanne rested against the doorframe, her brows lifting when she saw Tracy pull up outside. “Bye, gorgeous. Drive carefully.”
Jen froze when Tracy got out of her car. They acknowledged one another, and then Tracy turned and watched Jen get into her van and drive off suddenly.
“Stop looking! She’s mine!”
Tracy eyed Suzanne as she came up the drive, her work bag hanging at her side. “You’re…dating her? That’s Jen?”
“Mmhmm. Gorgeous, isn’t she?” Suzanne cocked her head towards the hallway, inviting Tracy inside. She followed, but she didn’t respond. She just stared at Suzanne as though she’d grown a second head. “Is everything okay?”
“Is that who you’re dating? Seriously?”
Suzanne frowned. Tracy had never been judgemental in all the years they’d known one another, but tonight, that seemed to be exactly what she was doing. Judging. “Why the face? Jen is lovely. Is it because she’s butch?”
“You think I care that she’s butch?” Tracy laughed and shook her head. “I thought you knew me better than that.”
“Then what’s the problem?” Perhaps they should sit down so Tracy could explain what was going on in her head. There seemed to be an issue, but as far as Suzanne was concerned, there was no issue. Jen was perfection personified. “Come through. I’ll put the kettle on.”
Tracy followed, but that silence remained. Suzanne hated silence. She glanced back over her shoulder and eyed Tracy, but she just rested against the edge of the dining table, chewing on her lip.
“Okay, what’s going on?” Suzanne folded her arms across her chest, choosing to bypass the kettle right now. She wanted answers. “Trace?”
“What do you know about her?” Tracy looked back at Suzanne with what could only be described as fear in her eyes.
“About Jen?” Suzanne’s brows drew together. “I know a lot about her. We’ve been together now for what? God, it must be coming up to two months.” Suzanne couldn’t believe so much time had passed. But wasn’t that a testament to how at ease they were around one another? It felt that way to Suzanne.
“And you’re okay with who she is? Where she’s been recently?”
Suzanne was lost. She had no idea what Tracy was talking about. “I’m sorry?”
“Jen. The woman you’re dating. She’s an ex-con.”
Suzanne’s world slowed as those words filtered into her brain. Jen, the woman she had fallen in love with, was a convicted criminal? No. Tracy had to be wrong. It simply wasn’t possible. “You’re lying.”
“Trust me, after the way you speak about her, I wish I was lying. I really wish I was wrong.” Tracy ran a hand down her face. “She used to be on my wing, Suzanne.”
“She would have told me. She’s been very open with everything.”
“Would she, though? I mean, would you tell the woman you’re dating that you’d been in prison?”
Suzanne swallowed. Was that what Jen had been talking about when she told Suzanne that she’d had a rough time lately? God, she hoped not. “Are you sure about this?”
“I’m sure,” Tracy said as she pushed off the edge of the dining table and crossed the room. “I’m sorry, but I’m definitely sure.”
Tears brimmed in Suzanne’s eyes. She didn’t know what to do with any of this information. All she knew was that it would take some time to process. “W-what am I supposed to do now?”
“Well, I think you and I both know what you have to do. Cut it off before it’s too late.”
Suzanne’s knees weakened. She needed to sit down before she fell down. On shaky legs, she walked into the living room and lowered herself to the couch. The very spot she had just spent twenty minutes kissing Jen in. “Tracy. It’s already too late.” Suzanne looked up at her best friend, a tear slipping down her cheek as she blinked it away. “I-I…I’m in love with her.”
Tracy sat down beside Suzanne and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Oh, Suzanne. I’m sure you’re not. I know you’re fond of her, but she is an ex-con. No matter how you look at it, that’s what she is.”
“Why didn’t I see it? If she’s this dreadful person, why is she so different with me?”
“I didn’t say she was a dreadful person. I actually felt sorry for her when she was inside. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re dating someone with a criminal record.”
“What did she do?” Suzanne asked, unsure if she wanted to know about Jen’s crimes. It just didn’t seem possible that the woman she’d been sleeping with was responsible for any crimes. This was Jen they were talking about. Jen, the sweetest woman Suzanne had ever come across. “Please, Tracy. I need to know what she did.”
“That’s not something I can disclose. If you want answers, you should speak to Jen.”
Suzanne couldn’t do that. She couldn’t bring herself to imagine looking into Jen’s eyes, only for her girlfriend to confirm everything Tracy was saying. “I don’t think I can.”
Tracy got to her feet and squeezed Suzanne’s shoulder. “Let me make us some coffee while you try to process all of this.”
Process it? Suzanne couldn’t begin to process anything this day had thrown at her. Just a short while ago, she was making plans with Jen for this evening. Before Tracy pulled up outside the house, life was really something beautiful.
And now it wasn’t.
Fuck!
Jen calmed herself as the taxi approached Suzanne’s road. She had left here this afternoon knowing that her old prison guard was friends with Suzanne, and she didn’t know how to feel about it. Part of her knew that Tracy would come clean to Suzanne, but there was the tiniest bit of hope that she wouldn’t have. Suzanne hadn’t been in touch to tell her not to come over, and she hadn’t called to demand answers. Could Jen walk inside Suzanne’s this evening, and life would be just as it had been this afternoon? As the taxi came to a stop, she guessed she was about to find out.
She checked the meter and handed over a twenty-pound note. “Thanks. Keep the change.” Jen nervously climbed from the taxi, mindful of what could be waiting for her when she knocked on the door. It’s my job to tell her the truth. Nobody else’s.
As she approached the front door, it opened, but Suzanne wasn’t waiting for her with that killer smile. No, she simply turned and walked down the hallway. Jen cleared her throat as she closed the door. “Hey. Sorry I’m late. The traffic was terrible.” Jen followed Suzanne further into the house, but Suzanne just kept her back to Jen. “Everything okay?”
You know it’s not! Jen just didn’t want to put her foot in it if Tracy hadn’t said anything.
“Babe?”
“Don’t.” Suzanne spun around this time, her eyes red and swollen. “Don’t you dare come here and pretend that this means anything to you.”
“I-I’m sorry?” Of course this meant something to Jen. Fuck, it meant everything .
“You lied to me.” Suzanne stepped closer and pointed her finger in Jen’s face. The fury in her eyes hadn’t gone unnoticed. Not at all. “You came into my home, you shared my bed, and you befriended my niece…while fucking lying to me!”
Jen hung her head, her shoulders slumped as she forced down the lump in her throat. “She told you.”
“She told me something that you should have told me the day we met.” Suzanne’s voice broke as she said that, her inability to look Jen in the eye only breaking her heart. “I’ve packed up anything of yours that you’d left here. A hoodie or two. Some shorts. T-shirts.” Suzanne lifted the plastic carrier bag from the floor and dropped it onto the dining table between them. “I’m sure you’re used to your clothes being in plastic bags since you’ve spent time behind bars.”
Fuck, that hurt. The pain in Jen’s chest confirmed it. “I wanted to tell you.”
“Yet you didn’t.” Suzanne scoffed. “So, you can leave now.”
“C-can we talk? Please?”
Suzanne’s brows rose as she laughed. “Oh, now you want to talk and come clean? I don’t think so.”
Jen wanted to explain. She wanted to try to convince Suzanne that she was worth a shot, but was she? No, Jen wasn’t. This was the very end she knew would come at some point. It just hadn’t happened as quickly as she thought it would. The longer their relationship went on, the less Jen felt as though she had to disclose her past. It didn’t seem relevant anymore. But Suzanne wasn’t interested, so Jen nodded and lifted the bag from the table. “I’m sorry. That’s all I can say to you.”
“You’re sorry I found out the truth.” The look of disgust Suzanne gave her as she said that tore Jen in two. Just a few hours ago, Suzanne had looked at Jen as though she meant the world. But now? Well, Jen didn’t want to know what Suzanne thought of her.
She stood in the middle of the room, feeling more vulnerable than ever. It didn’t matter what she said to Suzanne; all she saw now was Jen…the criminal. “I wish we could have sat down and talked about this, but I respect that you don’t want to see me again or hear my excuses.”
Suzanne nodded towards the open living room door. “As I’ve already said, you can leave now.”
Jen backed up towards the door, the ache in her chest intensifying with each breath she took. She looked up at Suzanne, saddened by how this was ending. Jen wanted to believe that the tear Suzanne had just brushed from her cheek meant she was sad too, but it was anger, plain and simple. “She died, and I lost my head. That doesn’t excuse anything , but I’m not a bad person. I made a few mistakes, and they ruined my life. I lost everything. Most of my family included. I think I’ve been punished enough at this point. I don’t need to be punished by you, too.”
“Plenty of people have to deal with death, Jen. It doesn’t mean they end up in prison because of it.”
“I know.” Jen was well aware of that. She also agreed wholeheartedly with Suzanne. “I realise there is no point in me standing here trying to reason with you. From the moment I walked through the door tonight, it was quite clear what you thought of me.”
“I don’t even know you!”
“Except you do. This is me. I’ve been nothing other than genuine with you.” Jen had never felt so at peace as she had recently. Now, she just had to remain focused on her mental health and pray that it didn’t go downhill again. She couldn’t go back to those days; she wouldn’t survive them. “I did want to tell you. The only reason I didn’t in the end was because you were the only person in my life who didn’t treat me as though I’d messed up in the past. You didn’t look down your nose at me. You…liked what you saw.”
“I did…but you fucked it up completely.”
Jen chewed her lip as she lowered her eyes. “If I’d told you in the beginning, what would have happened?”
Suzanne snorted. “I certainly wouldn’t have asked you on a second date.”
“I see.” Jen nodded as she took a step back into the hallway. “Then I’m sorry you were ever unfortunate enough to cross paths with me.”
God, there was so much Jen wanted to say to Suzanne. There were so many things she wanted to thank her for. With Suzanne, Jen had felt like nothing more than an ordinary human being. For the first time since Ruby’s death, Jen felt as though her life was piecing itself back together.
“I’ll…see you.” Jen puffed out her cheeks and turned for the front door. She wasn’t sure where she was going or what she would do, but the greatest time of her life recently was now officially over.
“Jen?”
Suzanne’s soft voice reached her ears. Jen turned, her heart in her mouth. “Yeah?”
“I wish you could have been honest with me from the start.” Suzanne looked back at her, her arms wrapped around herself.
“Me too.” Jen smiled weakly. “Because it would have saved you the hassle of wasting your time on me, and it would have saved me from a broken heart.”
“You’ll be just fine.” Suzanne managed the smallest smile, but Jen wasn’t convinced by it. This woman hated her, and she could try to hide it all she wanted, but she was failing. “Best of luck, okay?”
Best of luck. Suzanne had been her luck, and it had just run out once and for all.
“You know, before all of this? I had a great job, a place of my own, and a family who loved me. I was a primary school teacher and community fundraiser. I was a well-thought-of sister, a friend who people loved to have around, and now… Now I have nothing.” Jen swallowed as Suzanne stared through her. “Even my baby nephew doesn’t know who I am. His dad won’t let me see him.” Jen held up the pathetic bag of her belongings, her back pressed to Suzanne’s front door. “This is all my life will ever be now. This is what I’m reduced to. A shopping bag with my shit in it.” God, Jen wanted to hug this woman one last time. She wouldn’t dare, though. “You came into my life when I thought I had no hope. You opened the door to me with no idea who I’d turned into before I was sent down. Which, by the way, was the best thing that could have happened to me. If I hadn’t been arrested, I’d be dead now.”
“We have to live with the consequences of our actions.”
“And I do. Every single day.” This was a waste of time. Suzanne didn’t care about anything Jen was saying. “Before I leave and we go our separate ways, I wanted to thank you. For seeing me for me. For enjoying being with me. For…giving me hope for the future. Because that’s exactly what I felt with you. Hopeful.” Jen laughed and shook her head. “But I think I’m done now. What’s the point in trying to get my life back on track when people won’t give me the chance to do that?”
“I’m sure a lot of people will give you that chance.”
Jen’s bottom lip trembled as she stared back at Suzanne. The distance felt greater than anything she could tackle. “But not you. The only person I really care about lately.”
She opened the door and stepped out onto the garden path. Suzanne didn’t follow, but Jen hadn’t expected her to. It was quite clear there was no coming back from this. Closing the door softly, Jen swallowed down the lump in her throat, but it was no use. The tears slid down her face at a speed she couldn’t comprehend.
Face it. You’ve fucked your entire life up.
Three hours. That’s how long Jen had spent walking the streets in the rain. She hadn’t stopped off anywhere, she hadn’t looked another person in the eye, she had just walked. Until she couldn’t walk anymore. The idea of going inside and telling her mum it was over with Suzanne was putting her off opening the front door. The sympathetic look she knew was coming just wasn’t what Jen needed right now.
Could Jen leave and start fresh somewhere else? Could she maybe set herself up in Europe amongst the ex-pats, hoping she didn’t bump into anyone she knew? Jen didn’t know what her next step would be, but it wouldn’t include Suzanne. That woman had washed her hands of Jen the moment Tracy set foot inside that house.
Shivering from her damp coat, Jen slid her key into the lock and quietly made her way inside. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see her mum right now, so she would creep up the stairs and hope Denise forgot she existed for the rest of the night. Because that’s how Jen felt right now. As though she may as well not exist. Life was pointless if she couldn’t move on.
“Jen?” The living room door opened as she tried to close the front door quietly. “What are you doing home? I thought you were staying at Suzanne’s tonight?”
“Yeah, um…change of plans.”
“Oh, well, I’ve just put a film on if you wanted to join me?”
Jen briefly looked in her mum’s direction as she walked down the small hallway. “I think I’m just going to call it a night.” Her voice broke unexpectedly, but she hoped her mum didn’t catch it. “Goodnight, Mum.”
“Jen, love. What’s going on?”
“N-nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.” Jen lifted a shoulder as a tear slid down her face and gathered at her jawline. “You have a nice night, okay?”
“Something happened, didn’t it?” Denise regarded Jen with an understanding smile. “Between you and Suzanne.”
“It’s over, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Denise sighed and took Jen’s hand. “Come on in here. Talk to me.”
“I don’t really know what to say, Mum. I’m not sure there’s anything to say.” Jen’s entire body felt heavy. Her joints ached, her eyes burned, and she had a raging headache. “Suzanne knows I was sent down, and now I’m back here…”
Denise tugged Jen into the living room and closed the door. She took the bag from her hand, removed her coat, and guided Jen towards the couch. “Sit down and breathe for five minutes. Take a moment to gather your thoughts.”
Jen had spent the last three hours with her thoughts. She didn’t need to gather them. She needed them to fuck off and leave her alone. “It turns out that Suzanne’s best friend is one of the prison guards from my wing.”
“Oh, love. That’s unfortunate,” Denise said as she sat beside Jen. “What happened this evening?”
“Not a lot, really. I went over there, and Suzanne asked me to leave. She said some…hurtful things, but that’s understandable. I lied to her. Well, maybe I didn’t lie, but I wasn’t forthcoming with the truth, either. She has every right to hate me.”
“I’m sure she doesn’t hate you, love. You’ve spoken about her so much to me, and I got the impression that things were going very well.”
Jen smiled as she stared down at her lap. “They were. I was so close to telling her I was falling in love with her. But I can’t blame her for feeling how she does now. She thinks I deceived her, but it wasn’t like that. I just wanted to love her, Mum. That’s all I’ve wanted from the moment I knew it was serious. To love her, and hopefully, one day, be loved in return.”
Denise wrapped her arms around Jen and held her close. “Give her some time. She needs to process and then the two of you can meet and talk through it all.”
“No. She’s done. She hates me. I hate me. Even you probably hate me, but you’re too much of a good person to show it.” Jen scoffed as she brushed the back of her hand against her cheek. “I don’t know what the point is anymore, Mum. The point of me . I just…I bring nothing to anyone’s life.”
“Don’t you dare, Jen. You bring so much to a lot of people’s lives.”
“Well, where are these people? Who gives a shit about me other than you? Even Grace has stopped calling me because of Dan. My own sister. The kid I used to stand up for against the bullies.”
“You leave Grace and Dan to me.”
Jen pulled back and looked at her mum. “I always wish it was me, you know. Instead of Ruby. She had so much going for her, so much to do with her life, and I just… I wish it had been me and not her.”
Denise closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I think you need to get some rest, love. Sleep this day away and start again tomorrow. Because no matter what, tomorrow is a fresh start.”
“Yeah.” Jen could only smile. Her mum didn’t need all of this bullshit again. She’d been through enough with Jen. “You’re right. I’ll get myself off to bed.” Jen ran her hands down her thighs and then got to her feet. “Love you, Mum.”
“I love you, too.”