Chapter 15
Suzanne dragged a shopping bag inside the house, throwing it down in the hallway as she turned back to lock her car. Tracy was due over any minute now, but she wasn’t sure she had the energy for visitors this evening. It had been a week since she’d watched Jen walk out the door, and she was beginning to regret letting her go. Truthfully, she’d regretted it the moment she climbed the stairs to bed that night.
Suzanne’s main concern was that Jen was in a dark place again. No matter what happened between them moving forward, Suzanne still cared about her. Yeah, because she walked away believing that .
Suzanne scoffed. Her attitude towards Jen had been appalling. Honestly, Suzanne hadn’t known she had that attitude in her. And to use it against Jen, of all people, regardless of the fact she hadn’t been honest with her… Suzanne felt terrible about it.
The doorbell rang as she carried the bag through to the kitchen. All she wanted to do this evening was get into bed with a book and a cup of tea. She didn’t want Tracy here asking questions that Suzanne didn’t have the answers to. She just…wanted to be left alone. Still, she answered the door with her best smile. “Hi. Come in. I’m just putting the shopping away.”
Tracy closed the door and carried a bottle of wine through to the kitchen. “Is that your weekly shop?” Tracy looked down at the one lonely shopping bag in the middle of the kitchen floor.
Suzanne frowned. “Yes, why?”
“You’ve barely got anything.”
“Well, there’s only me again now. What’s the point in buying too much food that I’ll never get through alone?” Before Tracy had shown up here last week, Suzanne’s life was changing, and it was for the better. But a week on, she was feeling lonelier than she ever had. Jen had been here, she’d spent endless time with Suzanne, and she’d been the very image of what Suzanne was beginning to see in her future. “How’s work?”
“Same shit, different day.” Tracy took two wine glasses from the cupboard and poured them each a glass. “Been up to much?”
“No.”
Suzanne had very little conversation in her lately. In fact, she’d actively avoided seeing Tracy since she’d revealed the truth about Jen.
“I probably should have called you this morning and told you not to come over. I’m not great company at the moment.” With the mood Suzanne was in, she couldn’t be sure she’d ever be good company again.
“All the more reason for me to be here.” Tracy took the empty bag from Suzanne and handed her a glass of wine instead. “John’s anniversary is coming up.”
“Mm. I’m well aware.” Suzanne kicked off her shoes and dragged herself into the living room. “I had plans, but they’re no longer going ahead.”
“Plans?”
“John is buried at the same cemetery as Jen’s best friend. We were going to visit their graves together, and then she was taking me out for dinner.” Suzanne caught the tremble in her voice. Her biggest regret today was not reaching out to Jen.
“Did you want me to come with you?”
Suzanne looked up at Tracy, a hint of disdain for her best friend. If she’d never told Suzanne who Jen was, she could have spent this week making those solid plans with her. “No, thanks. It was something Jen and I wanted to do together.”
“Okay, but Jen has been around for a couple of months, Suzanne. I’ve been here for the best part of twenty years.”
“And you’re also the reason I’ve spent this entire week feeling incredibly miserable.” Suzanne lowered her wine glass to the side table. “Don’t bring wine over anymore. Jen doesn’t drink, and I was quite enjoying being sober with her. I don’t even want the glass you’ve just poured me.”
“I know it’s shitty, but don’t take it out on me. I was only telling you, my best friend , the truth. Something the woman you supposedly love wasn’t capable of doing!”
“I was so angry that I packed up her belongings and asked her to leave. I didn’t even give her the chance to explain.” Suzanne’s stomach flipped at the mere reminder of the way she’d spoken to Jen that night. She could see how devastated Jen had been, but Suzanne just had to kick her while she was already down. Cruel. That’s what she’d been. Entirely cruel.
“She spent thirteen months behind bars. I’m not sure what there is to explain.” Tracy scoffed as she lowered herself to the opposite couch. “I know you’re ready to move on, but you can do better.”
“Why? Because you say so?” Suzanne had spent most of her friendship with Tracy being told what to do and when to do it. When John died, it only got worse. Considering Suzanne was older than Tracy by three years, she certainly enjoyed mothering her. “This may be hard for you to understand, but Jen made me happy. There were times when it felt as though we’d known one another for years, not just a couple of months. And the way she held me. God, I didn’t even feel that much comfort with John.”
“Considering you felt this way about her, you kicked her out the door quick enough.”
“Because I was angry. More so with you than anything else. You just landed it on me and then told me to ask her for answers. I mean, how bad was it?”
“Suzanne, I’m really not in a position to say. If you want answers, you should speak to Jen.”
“I can’t. The way I spoke to her last week, I’ll never see her again. She’ll never come here again.” Suzanne’s stomach roiled at that. The look in Jen’s eyes as she left this house was something she never wanted to see again. “I just wish it could have been different. Because no matter what her past involves, it doesn’t change the fact that she made me incredibly happy.”
“I’m sorry. I could have eased it into the conversation better. But I don’t regret telling you. You have every right to know if someone has a criminal record, Suzanne.”
“John had a criminal record.” Suzanne snorted.
“He did?” Tracy seemed shocked by that, but it wasn’t something Suzanne had ever shared with anyone. Because it wasn’t anyone else’s business.
“Fraud. He did five years inside before we met.”
“I…never knew that.” Tracy frowned. “Why didn’t I know that?”
“Because it didn’t change anything. John was John. He was my husband. I was the one sleeping with him, not anybody else.”
“Well, if it makes you feel better, Jen’s sentence was far less worrying than something like fraud.” Tracy regarded Suzanne with a partial smile. She knew her best friend felt terrible for recent events, but Suzanne wasn’t sure she could change anything at this point. “I promise you.”
“I’m worried about her,” Suzanne said, her bottom lip trembling. “That she may do something to hurt herself.”
“Jen left prison with all the tools she needed to thrive on the outside. She took on anything that was given to her. Courses, classes, rehabilitation. She wanted to be better.”
“Did you know it all stemmed from her losing her best friend? Sudden death.”
“Yes, I was aware of her file.” Tracy sat back and crossed her legs. “I shouldn’t tell you this, but she actually stopped me from being attacked by another inmate one day.”
“She did?”
“Mm.” Tracy sipped her wine. “She’d had it in for me from the day she was sent down. She had a shiv made up and ready, hidden in her sock. Jen overheard the plan and came to me. Told me about it. They sent in guards to search her cell, and she had the shiv hidden on her, just as Jen had told me.”
Suzanne smiled at that. She knew deep down that Jen was a good person. It was just a shame Suzanne had reacted the way she did. Perhaps they could have sat down, as Jen had suggested that night. But Suzanne’s stubbornness had prevented that from happening. In that moment, she chose to focus on what she wanted to focus on. Hurting Jen for not being upfront with her.
“She’s not a bad person, Suzanne. Yes, she’s a convicted criminal, and yes, I’d prefer it if you found someone who wasn’t one drink away from repeating the past, but she does have a good heart.”
“It was a heart that was almost mine,” Suzanne said, staring down at the floor. “I miss her.”
“Do you think it’s something you can put behind you? Can you forgive her?”
Suzanne looked up at Tracy, her brows drawn. “I think I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness. She didn’t deserve my reaction. I don’t know the Jen from the past. All I know is the woman I met recently and fell in love with.”
Tracy cleared her throat. “Does she know? That you’re in love with her?”
“No.” Suzanne chewed her lip to keep it from trembling again. “I was scared to tell her in case she didn’t feel the same way.”
“Maybe you should visit. Explain that you were shocked. Blame me if you have to.”
Suzanne sniffled as her emotions weighed heavier with each second that passed. “I don’t even know where she lives.”
“You’ve not been to her place?”
“No. She was living with her mum, and now it makes sense as to why. And the courier job. She has that job because nobody else will employ her, doesn’t she?”
Tracy nodded slowly. “Probably. Yeah.”
“That’s really sad.” Suzanne shook her head, disappointed that Jen had come out of this the way she had. How was anyone supposed to move on with their life and better themselves if nobody would give them that chance? Suzanne inwardly chastised herself. She’d also refused to give Jen a second chance, so she was no better! “Wherever she is, I hope she can find some peace and move forward.”
“And you?” Tracy asked, a brow lifted. “Will you find peace and move forward?”
Suzanne didn’t know what her life looked like in the coming weeks and months. But she knew she didn’t want to date. It had all gone so well, and then it had fallen apart. The only thing Suzanne knew right now was that it would take her some time to fall out of love with Jen. “I’ll…remain as I was. Single and focused on work.”
“Suzanne—”
“Don’t, Tracy. I had the chance to be happy, and I blew it. All because I listened to you instead of my heart.”
“I just wanted to be upfront with you. I’m sorry that it led to this.” Tracy sighed, then drained her wine glass. “If I hadn’t told you and you found out I knew, it would have been far worse.”
Suzanne lifted her glass full of wine from the table and moved into the kitchen. She emptied the contents down the sink, turning around when she felt Tracy’s eyes on her. “I think I’d like to be alone now. I have a headache, and I just want to soak in the bath.”
“Please don’t push me away, Suzanne.”
Suzanne nodded slowly as she rested back against the counter. “I’ll call you. When I’m ready to.”