Chapter 16
Jen brushed the blades of grass from the base of Ruby’s headstone, kneeling down so she could give her picture a wipe-over. She loved the picture Lyn had chosen for her daughter’s grave. It showed the real Ruby. The fun-loving Ruby. The Ruby that Jen would always remember. Laughing and smiling, her eyes bright. Jen had actually been the one to take this particular picture while they were on holiday together in Greece. It was the very same one she had framed in her bedroom and the very same one she had stuck to the wall in her prison cell. This picture was the picture that had kept Jen going for all these years. When Jen looked at it, she felt as though Ruby was still with her.
She sighed, wishing she could find the words to describe the pain she felt whenever she visited Ruby’s grave. It had been five and a half years since her death, and Jen still struggled to understand. She always would, but she’d made peace with that. It wasn’t something her brain was able to comprehend, so she chose to block it out while remembering Ruby for all of the amazing memories she had given to her.
“You won’t believe what I did recently,” Jen said, sitting on the grass and crossing her legs. “Fell in love with a gorgeous woman…and then I fucked it up.”
Jen knew Ruby would be rolling her eyes. At one time, she was notorious for getting it wrong with women. Ruby had been there for her on so many occasions, but then Jen met Lizzie, and her life fell into place. She had a woman she loved and her best friend. She didn’t need anything else. Only Jen had gone on to lose Lizzie, too. Her fiancée couldn’t handle Jen at her worst, and Jen didn’t blame her for that. Two years after Ruby’s death and two years before Jen was arrested, Lizzie had chosen to call it a day. As far as Jen was aware, Lizzie was now married, and her wife was pregnant.
And Jen…well, she was just existing.
“I should have been honest with her from the start, and I know that, but being with her just felt so great that I didn’t want to risk her knowing the truth. She was so good for me, Rubes. It was like we just understood one another. She’s been through shit too, and I don’t know.” Jen rubbed a hand down her face. “I made another mistake, I guess. Story of my life lately.”
Jen could only apologise to everyone she had hurt over the years, but apologies were never enough. Ruby would have forgiven her without a second thought, but everyone else? No. Not in this lifetime.
“You would have loved Suzanne, and I think she would have loved you, too.”
“Jen?”
Jen frowned as she looked over her shoulder. It was Ruby’s mum. She scrambled to her feet, brushing any grass from her backside. “Hi, Lyn. Good to see you.”
“I didn’t know you were coming here today.”
Why would she? Lyn didn’t accept Jen’s calls or any other form of contact these days. “I had the afternoon off from work, and I just wanted to chat with her. But I can go. I’ll come back another time.”
Lyn didn’t respond. She just looked at Ruby’s grave and cleared her throat.
“So, um…it was nice seeing you. I hope you’re doing okay.”
“Yes. Fine.” Lyn looked down at the roses in her hand. “Take care, Jen.”
“Lyn, have I done something to upset you? It’s just that I sent letters and tried to call, but I haven’t heard anything back from you.”
“Upset me?” Lyn laughed and shook her head. “I can’t believe you’d even ask me that.”
Jen’s brows drew together. “I…I don’t?—”
“My daughter lost her life. And you? You chose to ruin yours.” Lyn scoffed as she blinked back tears. “I can’t forgive you for that. You had the chance to make something of yourself. To grow and live a life she couldn’t. But no. It had to be all about you and your fuck ups once she died.”
Jen cast her gaze on the grass. “Y-yeah. I get that.”
“So, yes. I am upset with you, Jen. I wish you well, and I hope you can recover from the shit you put your family through, but I don’t want to associate with you anymore. I don’t want to remember your mistakes every time I look at you. I don’t want to hear your name in the same sentence as my daughter’s. You had so much potential. You had so much to look forward to.” Lyn frowned. “You even told me you’d help me when it came to raising funds that could help with research into SADS, but you didn’t. Because you only thought about yourself.”
“I am sorry. For everything. If I could go back and do things differently, I would. In a heartbeat. But I can’t change what I did. I can only live with the consequences and hope that one day, people can find it inside themselves to forgive me.”
“Well, you’ll be waiting a very long time for any forgiveness from me.” Lyn stepped past Jen and lay the roses at the foot of Ruby’s headstone. “I’d like to be alone with my daughter now.”
Jen didn’t respond. She shoved her hands in her pockets and walked away as quickly as she could. She thought coming here today would bring her some peace; it was usually the only place where she felt calm. But now, she just had another name to add to the list of people who loathed her.
Another day of fucking misery.
Jen climbed into her mum’s car—fully insured this time— and decided she would sit and calm down for a moment. No matter how many times she apologised, it was becoming clear that it would never be enough. Even if she knew deep down it would never be enough, someone somewhere had to give her the benefit of the doubt. The entire world couldn’t be against her.
Maybe it was time to leave. Maybe it was time to disappear off the face of the earth and give people the opportunity to just get on with their lives.
Jen shut the front door, kicking off her shoes and leaving them in the hallway. She was tired of this. She was sick of everyone avoiding her. God, anyone would think she was a serial killer for the way she was being treated, but Jen did partly understand.
She stepped into the living room and froze when she saw Grace sitting on the couch with Toby. Jen shouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t have come home yet if she’d known her sister and nephew were visiting. “Sorry. I’ll go out for a bit.” Jen turned to leave, stopped by a hand on her shoulder. “Mum, it’s okay. I could do with another walk, to be honest.”
“Toby is here to see you. And Grace.”
Jen snorted. She found that very hard to believe. “Dan will be fuming if he finds out about this.”
Grace got to her feet, bouncing Toby in her arms. “Dan isn’t speaking to me, so I don’t really care.”
“What? Why?” Dan and Grace were insanely in love with one another. Jen couldn’t believe they weren’t speaking. “Is this because of me?”
“No. It’s because I’m sick of his attitude whenever I mention your name. I told him as much last night, and he left for work this morning without even saying goodbye.”
“Grace, don’t fall out with him because of me. I’m not worth it.”
“You’re my sister. Of course you’re worth it.” Grace held Toby out, smiling when Jen took him from her. “Who else is going to teach Toby about football? Dan is a rugby guy, and I don’t know the first thing about it.”
Tears brimmed on Jen’s eyelids as Toby smiled up at her. “Hi, little man.” He held onto Jen’s jacket, those beautiful blue eyes inquisitive as he wore a tiny frown. “You have no idea who I am, but I’m the one who is going to spoil you rotten, okay? Anything you need, you come to Auntie Jen. If your mum tells you that no sweets are allowed, I’ll sneak you some. And I’ll buy you your first pint.”
Jen’s mum placed a hand on her back, urging her further into the living room. “Go and sit down, love. I’ll put the kettle on.”
Jen studied Toby’s face, smiling as she turned her attention to Grace. They sat next to one another on the couch, Jen’s knee bouncing up and down gently. “He’s starting to look more and more like you.”
Grace sighed. “Poor thing.”
“Hey! Don’t talk about yourself like that. You got the looks, and I got the gay. Remember?”
“Yes. I remember.” Grace placed her hand on Jen’s wrist. “I’m sorry I stopped calling. I hated knowing Dan wouldn’t let me bring Toby over, so I just avoided it all.”
“I get it, don’t worry.” Jen regarded her sister with an understanding smile. “You and Dan will be okay.”
“He needs to take his head out of his arse. Half of his family are drug dealers or drug users. He has no right to judge you or anyone else. His own cousin was arrested in Spain the other month and got ten years for being part of a drug gang over there.”
“Maybe that’s why he’s so protective of his son.”
“Tough. I’m not putting up with it anymore. Maybe if he actually bothered to get to know you, he’d realise you’re not your past. He’s just being a tit.”
Jen covered Toby’s ears. “Language!”
“I’ve missed you, sis.” Grace’s voice broke as she shook her head. “I hated knowing you were stuck in a cell. You didn’t deserve to be there with all the hardened criminals.”
“I messed up. I did deserve it.” Jen would always own up to her misgivings. What was the point in blaming anyone else when she had made the choices she had?
“Mum was saying you’ve met someone.” Grace grinned as she nudged Jen’s shoulder. “She said it’s all a bit up in the air at the minute, but it can be salvaged, right?”
Jen’s heart soared when Toby latched onto her little finger. “Yeah, I met someone. Fell in love with her, too. We’d been seeing one another about two months. Then the usual happened, and she asked me to leave.”
“The usual?” Grace asked, frowning.
“She found out about prison. Her best friend is a prison guard. Only I could be so unlucky, right?”
Grace sighed as she flopped back on the couch. “You never did have much luck, kid. But I’m sure she’ll come ‘round eventually.”
“It’s been like two weeks, Grace. She’s done with me, and that’s okay.” Jen cleared her throat as she turned and faced Grace better. “I, um…I’m actually thinking of leaving. Going abroad.”
“No, you can’t do that.” Grace shook her head. “What am I supposed to do without you?”
“Have a better relationship with Dan?” Jen quirked a brow. She understood that Grace and their mum wouldn’t want Jen to leave, but she was so close to making it a done deal. She couldn’t face being shunned by anyone else she came across here. “Look, I just need to move on with my life. I can’t do that here when people stare at me in the street.”
“Who stares at you in the street?”
Jen propped Toby up on the mass of cushions between them, his little eyelids fluttering closed as he yawned. “A few people have. But it’s not even those people I care about. People used to stare at me anyway just because of the way I present myself.” They lived in a small village where anything considered non-conforming got people’s backs up. “But this is different. Anyone I know…avoids me. They don’t want to speak to me or be seen with me. I went to Ruby’s grave today, and Lyn was there. She told me she could never forgive me for ruining my life.”
“Lyn is still grieving. I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”
“Oh, she meant it, Grace. I tried to contact her during most of my sentence. She didn’t write back, and she wouldn’t accept the calls.” Jen ran her hands down her thighs. “I’m no use to anybody here. I thought life was changing when I met Suzanne, and for a brief time, it did change.” Jen paused, wishing she could make things right with Suzanne before she left the country. “But she can’t date an ex-con, and I’d never expect her to.”
“Why didn’t you tell her when you met her?”
“Because then I never would have had the chance to experience happiness for a little while. Because when I was with her, she didn’t see any of my mistakes. Because I just wanted to be me. Normal.”
“If she can’t see the person you are, regardless of what’s happened in the past, then maybe she was never the right person for you.”
Maybe Grace was right. Jen hadn’t considered that. No, she had just continued beating herself up about something she couldn’t change. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“If you want to leave because it’s something you’ve considered for a while, then okay. But don’t let the people around here win. You have me and Mum and Toby. You have family, Jen. We are your family.” Grace squeezed Jen’s hand. “Please think about it first. That’s all I’m asking.”
Jen looked down at Toby. He was sleeping soundly, safe and loved. “I will.”