Chapter 17
Frustrated, Suzanne turned off her computer screen and sat back in her seat. She couldn’t concentrate on work at all today. Actually, she hadn’t been able to concentrate for almost two weeks. No matter what she did, nothing seemed to help. She was sleeping better with the help of sleeping pills, but that was only masking the problem. It wasn’t helping, not by a long shot. She knew what she had to do. She had to find Jen. Even if it came to nothing and Jen didn’t want to see her, Suzanne knew she had to try.
Lifting her phone from her desk, she brought up Tracy’s number and called it. She’d tried calling the number she had for Jen on multiple occasions now, but there was never any answer. The number wasn’t in use anymore. That partly worried Suzanne, but she also had to understand that she’d hurt Jen, and Jen had likely blocked her number.
“Hi, love. Everything okay?”
No, it wasn’t. “Are you at work today?”
“I am. Just on my lunch break. You caught me at the right time. What’s up?”
Suzanne pinched the bridge of her nose and prayed that Tracy would help her out. “I’m still trying to get a hold of Jen. Could you…w-would you see if her address is on file?”
“First of all, I don’t have access to that sort of thing. And secondly, I’d be fired if I even dared to do something like that.”
“R-right. Yes. I’m sorry I even asked.” Suzanne was going to lose her mind if she didn’t find Jen soon. “Do you know where I could look for that information?”
“Have you tried using one of those websites that grabs information from the electoral roll?”
“Yes. The house is listed ex-directory. It doesn’t show the address.”
“I’m sorry, Suzanne. I can’t help you with this one. I guess she’ll be found when she wants to be found.”
Suzanne felt a swell of emotion rise up her throat. She was tired of this. She just wanted to see Jen. She needed this. “I feel fucking hopeless.”
“Look, maybe this is for the best. I know you want to make things right, and that’s just one of the things I love about you, but maybe you should let it lie.”
“I…can’t. I need to see her, Trace.” Suzanne knew that people wouldn’t understand, but she couldn’t just leave this alone. Jen meant a lot to her; they’d already made memories with one another. Just the mere thought of Jen had tears sitting on Suzanne’s eyelids. If someone could make her cry after everything she’d dealt with herself, then she had to fix it. Suzanne had to make it right. “I’ll let you finish lunch. I’ll call you next week.”
“Do you want me to come over tonight? Maybe we could order in and figure out how to get you out of this mess.”
“No, thank you. I’ll probably be working late.” Suzanne wouldn’t be working late, but Tracy didn’t know that. She just didn’t want to see people right now. “I’ll call you, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll wait to hear from you.”
Suzanne lowered her phone to her desk and rocked back in her office chair. Just a few weeks ago, she’d had a lot of fun in this chair with Jen. Those memories, the unexpected intimacy she felt with her far sooner than either of them anticipated…she could never forget Jen no matter how hard she tried. Nor did she want to.
Coffee. Coffee fixes everything.
Suzanne forced herself out of her chair and busied herself at the coffee machine. Maybe she could join one of those dating apps and hope she came across Jen’s name. Surely, she would be using those sorts of opportunities when it came to dating again. Suzanne didn’t know the first thing about them, but Jen seemed to know her stuff.
As the beans finished grinding, the doorbell rang.
Suzanne frowned. She wasn’t expecting anything. She’d already had her packages delivered this morning, and not by Jen…sadly. She lowered the cup in her hand and approached the front door. When she opened it, she couldn’t believe what she found.
“Package for Dixon,” Jen said, keeping her head down as she input information on her handheld scanner. “Just a signature, please.”
Suzanne reached out a shaking hand and signed her name, and then she took the package from Jen. “I…I’m not expecting a package.”
Jen, still refusing to make eye contact, checked the device in her hand. “This is package two of two.”
“Ah. I see. I wondered why the box was so small this morning.” Suzanne willed Jen to look up at her, but she didn’t. She just backed away.
“Glad I could clear that up for you. Have a nice day. Bye.”
Suzanne swallowed as Jen turned and stepped out of her garden gate. Did she speak up, or did she let her go? Suzanne had been craving to see her. She knew what she had to do. “Jen, wait!”
Jen turned around, the look in her eyes just as heartbreaking as it had been almost two weeks ago. “Yeah? Is something wrong?”
“Everything is wrong.”
Jen frowned. “Do you need me to take the package back?”
“N-no.” God, Suzanne didn’t feel prepared for this. Even though she had spent thirteen days going over everything in her head, she didn’t know where to begin. “I…would you like to come in?”
“Me?” Jen laughed as she pointed a finger at her own chest. “You want the convict inside your home?”
“Jen.”
“Look, this isn’t necessary. You’ve made it clear how you feel about this, about me, so we really don’t need to pretend that it can be worked out. I know it can’t be. You don’t owe me anything at all, Suzanne.”
Suzanne regarded Jen with a wry smile. “I owe you an apology.”
“You really don’t.” Jen held up a hand. “I should have been upfront with you. I wasn’t. And I lost you. There is no apology to be made here other than from me.” Jen closed the gate and threw a thumb over her shoulder. “I should go. I still have seventy-odd parcels to deliver.”
“You wanted to talk…”
“I did. I wanted to explain so you didn’t walk away from this thinking the very worst of me.” Jen turned her watch towards herself and sighed. “I should really go. Take care of yourself, Suzanne. It was good seeing you.”
Suzanne rushed down the garden path and stopped at the gate as Jen crossed the street. They had to fix this. There were no two ways about it. “Come over when you finish work. I would like to talk, Jen.”
Jen glanced back at Suzanne as she opened the door of the van. She didn’t agree or disagree; Jen just climbed inside and closed the door. All Suzanne could do now was hope that Jen showed up here whenever she was ready to have that conversation. The very conversation Suzanne should have agreed to the night she broke it off with her.
Come on, Jen. I miss you.
Jen looked up at Suzanne’s house, the darkness around her comforting as she exhaled a deep breath. Suzanne had asked for answers, to talk, so here Jen was. Willing to lay everything out before she put another fucked up stage of her life behind her. Jen wasn’t here to grovel, and she wasn’t here to ask Suzanne to take her back. All she wanted was for Suzanne to walk away from this with the truth. With the knowledge that Jen was who she thought she was…just a little broken at one time.
Jen never wanted Suzanne to hate her. She’d never wanted to withhold anything from the very woman she was in love with. But she had come to terms with the fact that Suzanne and likely any other woman in the future wouldn’t want a relationship with Jen. Who would? Sometimes, life just fell that way.
She pushed the gate open, pulled her shoulders back as she took the steps, and rang the doorbell. This evening would see the very end of this, and that was okay. It had to be okay. Perhaps in time, life would pick up again, but Jen was taking things one step at a time. There was no point in looking forward to the future. She only ended up bitterly disappointed.
When the door opened, Suzanne looked back at her with surprise written all over her face. “J-Jen. I…didn’t think you’d come back.”
“You may have refused me the opportunity to talk, but I’m not like that, so here I am.”
“C-come in. Please.” Suzanne stepped aside, still shocked by Jen’s arrival. When Jen nervously stepped over the threshold, she could only give Suzanne the smallest smile. “Go through to the living room.”
Jen did so, her usual routine of removing her shoes before she stepped onto the carpet taking place. It was something so normal—meaningless—but it reminded Jen of the moments they’d shared here. A routine, if you will. A routine she had been really growing to love.
“Can I get you anything? Tea, coffee, water? Anything?” For the first time since they’d met, Suzanne seemed extremely anxious. It was clear in her voice and the way her hands trembled.
While Jen appreciated that Suzanne was trying to be hospitable, it wasn’t necessary. “No, thanks. I won’t stay long.”
“I’ve been trying to call you.”
Jen couldn’t fathom why. The night she left here some two weeks ago had certainly been a rough time. Suzanne didn’t seem like she’d ever want to face Jen again. “I took out a contract and got rid of my pay-as-you-go phone. Decided to just keep the new number.”
“R-right.” Suzanne stood in the middle of the room with her arms wrapped around herself. “Well, it’s nice to see you again.”
Jen exhaled a deep breath. “What was it you wanted to know? I’m happy to tell you anything so long as we can keep this amicable. I don’t need the confrontation of a fortnight ago. That’s not who I am.” Jen lowered herself to the couch and clasped her hands in her lap. “So…”
“Jen, I’m so sorry for the things I said to you.” Suzanne’s voice broke as she stared back at Jen with tears in her eyes. “And for asking you to leave.”
“You had every right to ask me to leave. I hadn’t told you about my past. Looking back, I know I should have told you the night we went for a drink, but I can’t change the way I handled any of it. All I can do is learn from it, and then maybe one day, I’ll find someone who can accept that I’m not perfect. That I made a terrible mistake, but it’s not who I am.”
“Tracy shocked me when she explained how she knew you. You’d just left here, we’d had such an amazing weekend together, and…I didn’t expect it.” Suzanne hesitated but eventually sat beside Jen. At a distance, but still. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.”
“Look, it’s fine. I’m used to it now.”
“That doesn’t make it right.” Suzanne lay a hand on Jen’s, but Jen pulled away. “Jen. Please.”
“I’m here to give you the answers you want. Then I’ll leave.”
Suzanne visibly swallowed. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m not here to try again, Suzanne. I’m tired of always being the bad guy. And I know most people have every right to hate me, to cross the street when they see me, but you were different. I’ve never done anything to hurt you other than withhold information to protect myself so I could be with you. You may see me as a liar because of that, but that’s your choice to feel that way. I did it for the right reasons in my mind. I did it so that here, with you, was a safe space for me.” It was important that Jen said anything she needed to say. Moving on without being totally upfront would only haunt her. “But I saw the way you looked at me as you asked me to leave. I recognised the disgust because it’s the very same look everyone else has for me.” Jen reached out a hand and caught a tear as it worked its way down Suzanne’s cheek. “Don’t be upset. I’m not worth anyone’s tears.”
“I regret everything I said to you that night. I knew it the moment you closed the door.”
Jen didn’t want Suzanne to have any regrets. Because when she left here tonight, it would be all Suzanne remembered her for. Jen would prefer Suzanne to remember her for the laughter and the numerous nights they’d lay on this very couch with one another. But never the regret. “You felt the way you did, and that’s all there is to it. Have those feelings. You’re entitled to them.”
“I’d like to make things right.” Suzanne placed two fingers under Jen’s chin when she lowered her gaze. “And I know that cannot possibly happen overnight, but I do, Jen. I want to make things right between us.”
“Everything is okay. You know about the past now. You know that I’m a convicted criminal. Even though I know I’m a good person, I don’t expect everyone else to agree. That’s just the way life is, and I’ve never not understood that.”
Suzanne sniffled as she managed a tight smile. “But you understood me. More than anyone else has since John died.”
“Grief is…I don’t know. It’s easy to discuss the pain I still feel on the daily when I’m with you because you feel it, too. That connection was everything to me as I was adjusting to life on the outside again. You made me feel as though I had a purpose. Even if that was only being here for you, I felt as though my life was worth something.”
“Oh, Jen. You’re worth so much.”
Jen puffed out her cheeks. “I… It’s time for me to leave England. Once I’ve figured some things out and convinced my mum that I’ll be okay away from here, I’m gone.”
“N-no! You can’t leave. This is your home.”
“Do something for me.” Jen gazed deep into Suzanne’s eyes. “Please?”
“Anything.” Suzanne shifted again, but Jen needed her to not move any closer. She was trying to let her go, for the love of God!
“Imagine walking around your hometown while people snarl at you. Imagine your own mother trying to defend you to people while you’re banged up.” Jen smiled weakly. “Then imagine the woman you were falling in love with calling you a liar while looking at you as though she doesn’t know the first thing about you.”
“Jen.”
“Just…imagine it. Please.” Jen needed Suzanne to understand. It would make all of this far easier. “No family. No friends. Very limited job opportunities.” Jen swallowed down the emotion in her throat and continued. “Then you meet someone, and she gives you a reason to fall back in love with life. Her smile is the first thing you think about when you wake up, and her laugh reminds you that no matter what, everything is okay. But then she drops your bag of belongings in front of you, tells you she never would have dated you if she’d known from the outset, and asks you to leave.”
“I know the things I said to you were terrible, but I never meant them.” Suzanne visibly swallowed. “You may find that hard to believe, but I didn’t.”
“I think you did,” Jen said, nodding slowly. “I think you felt hurt by what Tracy had told you, and you wanted to hurt me in return. Which you did, by the way.”
“You surely understand the shock I was in.” Suzanne frowned as she sighed. “I’d just been told that my girlfriend had recently been released from prison. I’m bound to have some kind of reaction to it.”
“Oh, I agree. I absolutely agree.”
“Then—”
“Then you told me you never would have asked me on a second date if you’d known from the start.” It crushed Jen when she reminded herself of that. They’d spent so much time together, made a lot of memories in those months, and Suzanne had still said that. From that point on, everything Jen had allowed herself to dream about was dead and buried…along with her heart. “Did she paint me in some terrible light?”
“No, she didn’t.” Suzanne ran a hand through her dark hair and sat back against the couch. She stared at the fireplace, her hands clasped in her lap. “She told me you stopped her from getting hurt one day, though.”
“I heard what was happening, and I spoke up.” Jen scoffed. “Then I got a beating for it.”
“You what?” Suzanne’s head snapped around in Jen’s direction.
Jen smiled weakly. “They never knew. The guards. The other inmates preferred to inflict pain where they wouldn’t see it. I had broken ribs for sure. The bruising was pretty impressive.”
“Why didn’t you go to Tracy?”
“Because Suzanne…prison doesn’t work like that. If I’d gone to someone about it, it would have happened again and again. While not everyone was terrible inside, I was housed with women who had no issue beating someone to within an inch of their life. I wasn’t willing to risk that. Though, sometimes, I wonder if it would have been easier.”
“What would have been easier?”
Jen sat back and mirrored Suzanne’s position. “To not be here.”
“Jen, I don’t ever want to hear you say that again.” Suzanne took Jen’s hand, holding it tighter when Jen tried to pull away again. “But I do want to hear about how it happened. I want to better understand the headspace you were in and what led to prison.”
Jen didn’t often talk about the reasons why she hit rock bottom. It had taken almost six months before she opened up to the prison counsellor. But she would open up for Suzanne. She deserved answers, if nothing else. “When Ruby died, I had all these plans I wanted to put in place. I wanted to find out why it happened to her and why it happens to other people. People so young dying so suddenly… There had to be a reason why.” Jen sighed. “I guess that’s why they call it Sudden Adult Death Syndrome, though.”
Suzanne nodded. “It has to be incredibly difficult to understand something like that.”
“But within a few months of her death, I started to get angry. At Ruby, at the world, at anyone who looked at me. I found the best way to cope was with mild drugs and alcohol. Sometimes one or the other, other times both.” Jen couldn’t imagine putting another drug in her body ever again. Before Ruby’s death, she rarely drank. To go from one extreme to the other, Jen still struggled to understand the how or why. “I couldn’t function at my job, so I took time off. They understood, and they were great with me about when I’d return. Offered me support and everything else.”
“But you didn’t take it.”
“Nope. I just wanted to be alone, drinking until I saw the bottom of the bottle and medicating in any way I could to get me through the miserable days and nights.”
“That’s understandable. You’d just lost your best friend.”
“The prison sentence was a culmination of everything, really. Shoplifting. Drug and alcohol-related behaviours. Criminal damage when I put my fist through a bar window.” Jen looked down at the faint scars on her right hand and shook her head. “Stupid things that only turned into one huge thing eventually.”
“How do you mean?” Suzanne asked, genuinely listening to every last word Jen spoke.
“Mental health services are terrible around here. They have a small team to help with a huge problem. It’s just not enough.” Jen wanted to believe that things had changed over the last year or so, but the mental health crisis in this country was only growing bigger. At an alarming rate, too. “I guess you’d know what I mean since you mentioned therapy when John died.”
Suzanne smiled weakly. “I paid for a private therapist.”
Of course Suzanne had. It explained why she’d come out of this with her head still in one piece. “Yeah. That makes sense.”
“But I am aware of the mental health crisis in this country. I’m sorry you fell into the void when it came to finding help.”
“It all ended when I took my mum’s car. I wasn’t drunk or under the influence of drugs, but I wasn’t insured. Add in the other court appearances I’d had for drunk and disorderly, the shoplifting too, and they decided to make an example out of me.”
Suzanne’s features changed as Jen divulged that information. She was looking at Jen the way she used to. “That’s it?”
“I’m sorry?” Jen frowned. “That’s bad enough.”
“No, I mean…it was petty things that snowballed?”
Jen had to wonder what the hell Suzanne thought she had done. It seemed she was expecting something truly dreadful. “Yeah. I guess you could look at it that way.”
“Jen, I am sorry.”
Jen rose to her feet and exhaled a deep breath. “Don’t be. I just wanted to come here and put the truth out there so you can move on, maybe hating me a little less.” Jen’s shoulders slumped. She was still incredibly sad that Suzanne had broken up with her. But it would make her stronger. It had to. “Thanks for hearing me out. And thanks for being so welcoming and that when we met. Maybe I’ll see you around for a while, but once I sort out a place to live abroad, I’ll be leaving the courier company. Life surely has to get better for me and everyone else when I leave.”
Suzanne got to her feet and stepped towards Jen. “Please, don’t leave.”
“We’re not together anymore, Suzanne.” Jen took her hand and brought it to her lips. “I’m sorry I tested your trust. I wish things could have been different, but you know now. You can move on and find the right person for you.” Jen could only smile as she gazed back at Suzanne. She was going to make someone incredibly happy one day, but it wouldn’t be Jen. “You have nothing to worry about when it comes to living your life and dating again. I had the most amazing time with you, and whoever you meet is incredibly lucky to have you in their life. Just…be brave. Be you .” Jen leaned in and kissed Suzanne on the cheek, lingering even though she knew she shouldn’t. “Bye, Suzanne.”
Suzanne gripped Jen’s hand as she turned to leave. Jen sighed, not wanting to do this whole long goodbye thing with her. She just wanted to leave so she could cry in her bedroom. Just the way she had for the last two weeks. “Jen, you can’t leave.”
“I can. It’s for the best.”
“No, you don’t understand. You…can’t leave because I’m in love with you. I can’t change that; I can’t switch off how I feel about you.” Suzanne’s voice broke, the tears in her eyes making Jen feel terrible for putting her through this. If she’d just been honest from the start… “I made a mistake when I kicked you out of here, and even if it takes a year for you to forgive me, just know that I’m deeply sorry, and I’m so in love with you.”
Jen wasn’t quite sure what to do with that speech. She had come here with the intention of never seeing Suzanne again. To learn that Suzanne was in love with her, well…it certainly blew her mind. “Suzanne.”
“You can leave right now, and you don’t have to say anything else, but I needed you to know that I love you.” Suzanne took a breath as tears slid down her face. “It would mean so much to me if you would consider an us again. I…know that’s not going to happen, but I couldn’t let you walk away without laying it out first.”
Jen had a lot of thoughts to work through this evening, but she couldn’t do that in the comfort of Suzanne’s home. She needed to be alone to figure all of this out. “I appreciate that, but I need to leave. Sort my head out. Figure out where the fuck I go from here.” Jen wanted to tell Suzanne she would see her soon, but she couldn’t do that. It was something she potentially couldn’t stick to, and Suzanne deserved more than a maybe. “I, um…thank you. For everything.”
Jen turned out of the living room and inhaled a deep breath as she stopped in the hallway. Just the scent of this home comforted her. But then, the reminder of standing out here two weeks ago while Suzanne belittled her floated into her mind. It was a conversation she never wanted to have with anyone again. Potential love interests or not, nobody would have the satisfaction of humiliating Jen ever again.
“Jen?” Suzanne followed her out into the hallway.
Jen quickly wiped away the tears slipping down her cheeks, cleared her throat, and turned around. “Yeah?”
“If you can forgive me, please call me.”
Jen simply smiled. It was all she could offer right now. Whether this ever became something again was anyone’s guess. Jen just knew she needed to be alone tonight. “Take care of yourself, Suzanne.”