Chapter 18
Jen sat staring at the TV. It was nothing more than background noise this evening, just something to keep her from going insane. Suzanne loved her…but how? And why? What the hell had Jen done to make Suzanne fall in love with her? Nothing she could recall. As she flicked through the channels for the fifth time in probably ten minutes, her mum came down from upstairs.
“Hi, Mum. No work tonight?”
Denise sat down on the couch and sighed. “No. I have the night off.”
“That’s nice.” Jen watched her mum as Denise watched the TV. “No plans with friends?”
“Oh, no. Nothing planned with anyone. They’re all working or busy. We don’t really get the chance to catch up these days.” Denise smiled as she toyed with the necklace she wore. “Family, grandkids, that sort of thing.”
Jen knew that was a lie. Denise had always had a lot of friends. “All of them? Every last one?” Jen sat forward and stared at Denise until she looked her way. “You used to have at least five different friend groups. And not a single one of them is available?”
Denise simply shrugged. “Seems not.”
No. Jen was done with all of this bullshit. If people had an issue with her, that was more than okay. But to alienate her mum from this community? No, she wasn’t standing for it. She wouldn’t have before being sent down, and she certainly wouldn’t now. “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”
“Don’t be daft.”
Even as Denise said that, she didn’t sound very convincing. “Mum, I need you to be honest with me. My head is already up my arse with all this Suzanne shit, and I don’t need to be worrying about you at the same time.”
“You have no reason to worry about me, Jen. I’m just fine.”
“Except you’re not. Your friends have cut you off because of me, haven’t they?”
Denise sat forward this time and looked Jen square in the eye. “My friends have not cut me off. Julie is on holiday, Marg is looking after the little ones until Christina is back off a cruise with her fiancé, and Rose is not coping very well with menopause. Everyone else is not close enough to me to consider calling.”
Jen had to smile at that. They were very alike when it came to who they considered friends and who they didn’t. Denise had never been one to follow the ‘gang,’ so to speak. She preferred deep and meaningful connections. As did Jen.
“I have the night off work because I’ve just worked four straight shifts when it should have been three, with a day off in between. Stop blaming anything that happens on yourself, Jen.”
“You’re telling me the truth? You promise me?”
Denise reached out a hand and squeezed Jen’s shoulder. “I’m telling you the truth.”
“Right. Okay.” Jen relaxed back on the couch and nodded slowly. Even if her mum was lying, Jen couldn’t exactly force it out of her.
“Anyway, what’s this about Suzanne?”
Jen frowned. “Pardon?”
“You said you have enough to deal with. The Suzanne shit.”
“Yeah, um…I went over there last night after work. I had a package for her, and she asked if we could talk when I finished.” Jen ran a hand through her cropped hair. “I wasn’t going to go back, but I owed it to both of us to be upfront about prison and that.”
“Right, well, that’s a development.” Denise sat up straight and gave her full attention to Jen. “And how did it go?”
“I don’t really know. She’s sorry for the way she reacted, and she seemed pretty chilled out about it all once I’d explained everything, but then she told me she was in love with me, and I just wasn’t expecting it, Mum. I didn’t think for one second that she would tell me that. I mean, why would I?”
Denise frowned. “But this is good news, Jen. It’s great news. You’ve already told me you were falling in love with her, and now you know she feels the same way. It’s surely a good thing.”
“I know that. I just feel a little bit up in the air about it. The last time I saw her before yesterday, she was mocking me for having my belongings in a plastic bag. She called me a liar and told me she never would have asked me out for a drink if she’d known the truth. How am I supposed to just let that go and walk back into her life?”
“Well, it’s not about letting it go. It’s about forgiving her when the time feels right to you . Not Suzanne or anyone else, but you .”
“I hated seeing her upset. She’s always so happy and full of life.” Jen lowered her eyes and sighed. “Maybe getting involved with me again would just mess everything up. Once her friends and family find out about me—and they will—then she’s going to be going through what you did. People avoiding you because of your bastard daughter.” Jen just wanted people to live their lives. “I don’t want anyone feeling that way because of me.”
“I think that decision is Suzanne’s and hers alone. If she wants to be with you, if she wants to love you, then you can’t stop that.”
“Everything felt so good with her, Mum. Like, I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity to fall in love when I was released. But I did, and then it turned to shit. I can’t help but feel as though she either feels sorry for me…or she’s going to always wonder if I’m capable of hitting rock bottom again.” Jen knew anyone was capable of it, but she had put so much work into herself while she was inside. She had taken every opportunity she could to learn something in there, often spending most of her time in the library. At least if she was reading, it was keeping her mind ticking over. “I don’t know what to do for the best.”
Denise took Jen’s hands as she turned side on and faced her. “Do you love her?”
“Yeah. I do.”
“Then I think you owe it to yourself to try again with her. Maybe it won’t be perfect at first, and maybe you’ll question what she’s thinking of you, but maybe those things won’t happen. You won’t know that unless you give it a chance, my love.”
Jen wanted to give it a chance. Right now, she wanted to be with Suzanne while they got to know one another all over again. Jen’s mind just wanted to punish her a while longer first. “You know, when my release date was set, I did everything I could in the weeks leading up to it to find the right headspace. I knew what coming out would look like for me, and for the most part, it’s been absolutely true. I’ve lost a lot of people who meant so much to me. I’ve lost precious time with Toby because his dad wants to protect him.” Jen squeezed her mum’s hand. “As it stands, you’re the only person I really have who has stood by me and believed I could be the better version of myself again. You’re the only person who has recognised the work I put in to be better. But Suzanne never knew the old me. She only knows this me. The person I want to be.” Jen scoffed. “Sure, I’d like a better job and a friend or two, but what I had with her the first time around was so good that I’m worried we won’t have it again.”
“She made you happy, Jen.”
“She made me far more than happy, Mum. She made me feel as though I had a life. She made me realise that I did deserve a second chance to make things right. To do right.” Jen looked up at the ceiling and blinked away tears. “I don’t want to be a charity case, and I fear that’s exactly what will happen if I go back over there and agree to try again.”
“So, have this conversation with her. Tell her what you expect moving forward. I can guarantee she’s worried too and probably doesn’t want you to feel the way you’re feeling now.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
Denise dipped her head and smiled. “Do the right thing, love. Go and be bloody happy.”
“You think I can be?” Jen knew she could, but she wanted her mum to confirm it. “You really think I can make something of myself this time and have a meaningful relationship with Suzanne?”
“I know you can.”
Jen sunk back into the couch and mulled over everything going on in her head. Her mum was right. She should go and be happy. Now, Jen just had to understand that for herself, and she could be at Suzanne’s place enjoying life all over again. “Maybe I’ll take a shower and call over there.”
Suzanne felt Tracy’s eyes on her, but she didn’t know what to say to her best friend. She could pretend everything was okay, but Tracy would see right through it. She often did. She would also claim that Suzanne had every right to her reaction, but Suzanne knew deep down that she didn’t. Of course there would be a reaction, but hers was entirely unjust. Suzanne had never been the type of woman who would fly off the handle, so why had it happened with Jen’s situation?
Perhaps it was the idea of the woman she loved not being upfront. Maybe it was the shock of it. Jen just didn’t present as the type of person who had ever put a foot wrong, let alone spent time in prison. So, shock it was. That was Suzanne’s excuse for all of this.
She cleared her throat, ready to hash everything out with Tracy. “Jen came over last night.”
Tracy sat forward in her seat, her brows lifting. “Oh! That’s good news.”
“Not really. She left once she had explained everything to me.” Suzanne smiled weakly as she cast her gaze on the carpet. She held a glass of wine against her knee, but she’d only taken a sip since she’d sat down with it forty minutes ago. “I don’t know what I expected from her, but I thought she may have called me by now.”
“Judging by everything you’ve told me, I think it may take a minute longer than usual.”
“I told her I love her,” Suzanne said, mindlessly rubbing her thumb against the stem of her glass. “I shouldn’t have done that. She probably wasn’t ready to hear it.” Perhaps Jen would never be ready to hear it, but Suzanne couldn’t hold it in. If it made any difference to whether she stayed or went, then Suzanne had to be entirely honest about what she felt for Jen. “I know I’ve lost her. There are no two ways about it. But she did make me incredibly happy, Trace.” Suzanne sniffled and shook her head. “Even the way she looked at me was enough to turn me into a complete mess on the spot. It’s been a long time since anyone made me feel that way.”
“I know she means a lot to you, it’s quite obvious, but give her some time. Let her come around to the idea. She had a rough time before and while she was inside.” Tracy probably knew far more about Jen than Suzanne ever would. “Looking back, I wish I hadn’t told you.”
That surprised Suzanne. Until today, Tracy had maintained that telling her was the right thing to do. “Why did you tell me?”
“Because I believe it’s important. Because I was shocked to see her walking out of your door. Because you’re my best friend, and I’d never withhold information like that…even if it’s not what you want to hear. You should know who you’re dating.”
Suzanne couldn’t help but feel as though she already knew who she was dating. The only version of Jen she’d ever known. And God, she’d really loved all of it. “When she was here last night, she told me she withheld the truth to protect herself so she could be with me.”
Tracy regarded her with a wry smile. “And I went and put my foot right in it, didn’t I?”
“Part of me understands why you told me, but the rest of me wishes I’d never known. The last two weeks have been dreadful, Tracy. Knowing what I know doesn’t change a thing, and so now I have to wonder if I ever really needed to know.”
“Things will work out. Jen is a good person who took the wrong turn. Out of everyone on my wing, I can safely say she was the one I had high hopes for. And I think having you by her side…it’s only going to enrich her life and keep her on the straight and narrow.”
Suzanne didn’t particularly want to be the person who kept Jen straight, but she understood what Tracy was saying. With hope, happiness, and love, Jen really couldn’t go wrong when it came to her future. Suzanne could only hope that she would feature in it at some point.
It’s all a waiting game now…
“I wish I could call her or send a text.”
Tracy frowned. “Why can’t you? Even if it’s just to let her know that you’re thinking about her.”
“She changed her number. I don’t have the new one.” Suzanne puffed out her cheeks. “It’s kind of how I know that this isn’t going to lead to anything. She didn’t offer her new number to me.”
“I’m sure she just forgot, love. Don’t read too much into it.”
“Maybe, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.” The one thing they strongly believed in was communication. And now Jen had zero to offer her. “I’m just using the bathroom.” Suzanne sighed as she got to her feet and took her mostly full wine glass into the kitchen. She just couldn’t be bothered. “Help yourself to another glass.”
She left the living room and stopped in the hallway and take a couple of breaths. Suzanne could feel herself becoming emotional whenever she thought about Jen, and she didn’t want to be that person when she had company. Tracy would understand, she would likely encourage whatever emotion Suzanne was feeling, but she feared they wouldn’t stop once the tears started.
Too late. Several were already slipping down her cheeks.
She gripped the banister, only to stop when the doorbell rang. She was in no fit state to answer the door, and she didn’t want to have to deal with whoever it was, but that didn’t change the fact that someone was at the door.
I really wish people would leave me alone.
Suzanne took the few steps towards the door and opened it. Her heart practically shot up into her throat when Jen stared back at her. “Hi. I hope it’s okay to just show up here.”
“A-always. It’ll always be okay for you to just show up.”
Jen smiled as she cast her gaze on the steps separating them. Seemed she didn’t know what to say, but Suzanne kind of felt the same way. “I won’t stay long. I just…wanted to clear the air about last night. I’m sorry I just left.” Jen looked back up at Suzanne with tears in her eyes. “I didn’t know what to say.”
“Can we do this inside rather than on the doorstep?” Suzanne stepped aside, only to frown when Jen stood frozen in place in the garden. “What is it?” Suzanne followed her line of sight. Tracy was standing at the far end of the hallway. “Ah.”
“I’ll come back some other time,” Jen said, half turning. “I didn’t realise you had company. Sorry.” Suzanne watched, mouth agape, as Jen turned away and walked down the path.
“Jen Fletcher. Get your arse inside this house now.” Tracy’s voice boomed through the air.
When Jen stopped in her tracks and hung her head, Suzanne rushed outside and took her by the hand. When she turned Jen around to face her, Suzanne brought her other hand up to her jawline. “Please don’t leave. I can’t bear to watch you walk away again.”
“I-I was going to come back. Just when it was more convenient.”
“Now is convenient.” Suzanne gave Jen a pleading look. If she had to show how desperate she was, then she would do that. Suzanne wasn’t fucking about here. She wanted Jen back. “Come inside.”
“I really don’t think it’s a good idea while Tracy is here. As lovely as she is, I don’t want to sit around feeling as though she’s watching my every move.”
“She won’t. I’ll ask her to leave.”
Jen sighed and shook her head. “No, don’t do that. She’s your best friend. I can come back another time. It’s fine, really.”
Suzanne held onto Jen’s hand, refusing to let go. There was no way Jen was leaving right now. Suzanne hadn’t slept last night, wondering if she would eventually show. Now that she had, she was staying. That was that. “I really need you to stay, Jen. Please.”
Jen slowly nodded as she chewed her lip. “Okay, but we really can just do this another time.”
“We can’t.” Suzanne guided Jen back up the garden path. “Another time isn’t an option. I miss you too much.”
Breathing a sigh of relief as Jen stepped inside the house and closed the door, Suzanne gave Tracy a knowing look and waited for her to go back into the living room. Suzanne turned back to Jen when she knew they were alone and pressed her to the back of the door.
“I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I’m begging you for one, Jen. I need another chance with you if it’s the last thing I ever do.” She feathered her fingertips across Jen’s cheek and smiled. “I know this isn’t going to just go away suddenly, but I want to work at getting us back to that place we were in.”
“I…want that, too.”
Suzanne’s entire body relaxed at that confirmation. She hadn’t known just how much she needed to hear it. “Thank you.”
“I can’t promise I won’t lose my head in the coming days or whatever, but I think it’s important that we at least have a serious conversation about everything.”
Suzanne could work with that for the time being. But for now, she just wanted to look at Jen and appreciate her. She just wanted to sit in the silence with her hand in Jen’s. Anything simple was all she needed right now. “We can do that.” Suzanne pulled Jen away from the door and smiled. “Come on. This place has been too quiet without you.”
Jen managed a tight smile, but Suzanne knew she was going to need far more convincing. As they both landed in the living room, Tracy was putting her jacket on. Jen and Tracy watched each other, but it was Jen who spoke up first.
“Don’t leave because I’m here.”
Tracy grabbed her bag and smiled. “Trust me. I know I won’t be welcome here in the next five minutes. I’m saving Suzanne the pleasure of kicking me out.”
Suzanne laughed. “You know me so well.”
“And, uh,” Tracy paused as she looked at Jen. “I’m sorry that I kinda caused all of this between you.”
“You didn’t. I should have been upfront with Suzanne from the moment we met. The past always comes back to bite you otherwise.” Jen dragged a hand through her hair and then removed her coat. “It’s good to see you, though. Hope work isn’t too…you know.”
“Rough?” Tracy asked, brow quirked. “It’s as rough as ever, Jen. I don’t have anyone to chat to anymore now that you’re gone.”
Jen puffed out her cheeks. “Well, I’d offer to come back to keep you company, but I’d rather stick hot pins in my eyes.”
Tracy nodded as she laughed. “Figured that would be your response.” She stepped towards Suzanne and kissed her on the cheek. “Enjoy your night. Sort all of this out, and then call me when you want to get dinner together.”
“I will. And thanks for understanding.” That was the beauty of this friendship. Suzanne didn’t even have to ask Tracy to leave. They just knew what was required of one another.
Tracy turned to Jen. “You look great, Jen. Keep up whatever it is you’re doing, and I’ll see you soon. Preferably with Suzanne.”
“Thanks, Tracy.” Jen’s smile was a little wider than when she arrived. It only sent Suzanne’s heart rate soaring. Her smile always did. “Take care.”
Suzanne excused herself for a moment and walked Tracy to the door. She didn’t need to explain why she wanted to be alone with Jen; her best friend would understand. “I’ll call you, okay?”
Tracy nodded as she stepped out of the house. “I know you will. I just hope you can both work everything out. You deserve to be happy, love.”
Suzanne leant against the doorframe as she watched Tracy leave. She sighed, wrapped her arms around herself, and braced herself for whatever was going to come next. But mostly, she would remind herself that Jen had come back…and that had to mean something.
Jen exhaled a calming breath as she took a seat on the couch and figured out everything she wanted to say in her head. Things weren’t okay, not really, but she hoped they would be in the near future. She hoped that Suzanne would forget about the information she had learned recently and continue to see the Jen she had known from day one. Whether that was possible remained to be seen, but Jen felt slightly positive about it. Tracy seemed happy enough to bump into her, so that was something.
“Did you want something to eat?” Suzanne asked as she came into the living room, her nerves showing once again. “You probably haven’t eaten since you finished work.”
“I’ve eaten. Mum has a habit of making sure dinner is on the table the moment I put my key in the door.” Jen had enjoyed a chicken casserole tonight. Just what she needed while her life felt uncertain again. Comfort food. “It’s something she’s been doing since I came home.”
“Your mum sounds very sweet.” Suzanne hesitated between the kitchen and the living room. “Can I get you anything at all?”
“Come and sit down. You look as though you’re about to either run out the door…or have a breakdown.” Jen didn’t want either of them to feel hesitant moving forward. She hated seeing Suzanne so vulnerable in her own home. Jen never wanted that.
Suzanne wrung her hands as she smiled weakly and moved further into the living room. “I’m sorry. I’m worried I’m going to do or say the wrong thing to make you leave again.”
Jen took Suzanne’s hand and pulled her down beside her. “That’s not going to happen. In fact, I’m almost certain none of this would have happened if we’d talked about it the day you found out.”
“I take full responsibility for that.” Suzanne shook her head as she cast her gaze on their hands in Jen’s lap. “I’ve been so fucking stupid.”
“You were looking out for yourself. That’s not stupid. It’s sensible.”
Suzanne scoffed. “But I lost you because of it.”
Jen didn’t want to dwell on the last couple of weeks. Sure, she had things she wanted to say and some questions she wanted to ask, but ultimately, the past was gone now. Suzanne knew the truth, Jen didn’t feel so caught up in trying to keep it to herself, and now she hoped her life would start to change all over again. “Things happen, okay? What’s important is that we’re here having this conversation now.”
Suzanne gazed back at Jen, the smallest smile visible on her lips. “I can’t believe you’re here. I didn’t think for one moment that you would come back once you’d processed the things I said to you last night.”
“You told me you’re in love with me, Suzanne. Unless you didn’t mean it, I’d be a fool to not come back.” Jen squeezed Suzanne’s hands and smiled. “In those weeks leading up to you finding out the truth, I was going over it all in my head. You know, when would be the right moment to tell you I was falling for you? The day I came here…when Tracy was leaving, it had been on my mind all morning. We’d spent the weekend together, we’d had a lot of fun, and it just…felt like the right time for me. That night…I was going to tell you.”
Suzanne rolled her lips inward and exhaled a deep breath. “I wish you had.”
“I couldn’t. You’d just opened the door to me and turned your back. No matter how much I wanted you to know how I felt about you, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want you to think I was saying it to win you over. When the time was right, I wanted you to believe me wholeheartedly.”
Suzanne nodded slowly. “I understand that. I probably would have kept it to myself, too.”
“I…do love you. I’m… in love with you.” Jen studied Suzanne’s face as she said that. If there was a hint of her not believing Jen, if there was even a doubt in Suzanne’s mind as to who Jen was, then Jen needed to know. She needed to be sure that this would be right the second time around. Only as she stared back at Suzanne, Jen couldn’t read her. Not even a little. “I just don’t know if you believe me.”
“I do believe you.” Suzanne shifted closer and brought a hand to Jen’s cheek. “I have so much making up to do, so many ways I need to change, but I do believe you.”
Jen frowned. “Change?”
“The way I spoke to you…treated you that night,” Suzanne said, pausing. “That’s not me, Jen. I didn’t recognise the woman making snarky comments at you.”
“Can we move on from that night? From the things Tracy told you? Can we…just be us again?” Jen couldn’t believe just how much Suzanne had changed her life in the months they’d spent together. Every morning actually felt like a new day rather than the same shit rolled over. That was all Jen needed if this was to continue. For nothing to change between them. “I don’t want to keep going over it. I’m sick of it ruling my life.”
“I’m sorry.” Suzanne squeezed Jen’s hand.
“It’s okay. I’m just ready to put it out of my mind now. I’ve spent so long feeling terrible about not telling you that it seems as though it’s aged me ten years.”
“I admire you for protecting yourself. I really do.”
“Had it been anyone else, I probably would have just come clean there and then. But it wasn’t just anyone else. It was you, and I couldn’t risk losing you. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you again because of stupid mistakes I’d made in the past. I warred with myself almost daily in the beginning, but after a couple of weeks, you made me forget what I’d gone through last year. I didn’t feel like Jen Fletcher…ex-prisoner. I just felt like myself. Before I lost Ruby, and everything fell apart.”
“I-I made you feel that way?” Suzanne’s brows rose.
“You did.” No matter what happened from this moment on, Jen would always appreciate what Suzanne had done for her. Even without her knowing it. “I left as you’d asked me to so I didn’t lose those eight weeks of memories with you. Instead of reminding myself of how much you hated me that night, I chose to remember how happy you’d made me feel. The laughter we’d shared. The dinners and the walks in the park. Just…everything other than that night.”
“That was my first thought when you left. The memories. They all outweigh what I’ve come to learn recently.”
“That’s good. It means this could potentially be salvaged.”
Suzanne lowered her eyes and sniffled. “I’d like to think so.”
“Please don’t be upset, babe.” Jen leaned in and wrapped Suzanne up in her arms. “I don’t know where we go from here, but please, don’t be upset. Everything is going to be okay.”
She felt Suzanne smile against her hair, and then she sighed as she dipped her head towards Jen’s ear. “I have to make this right with you.”
Jen drew back, brushing a thumb beneath Suzanne’s eye. “Let’s just take it one day at a time, okay?”
With her eyes closed as she leant into Jen’s touch, Suzanne simply smiled. “Okay.”