Chapter Thirty-Two - Thalia
I KEEP HEARING everything Vera said on repeat in my head, over and over. I’m in love with him. I know it shouldn’t matter, but I feel bad. It doesn’t justify how she’s been acting, but I still feel bad.
“Lia? Hello?” Penelope asks. I forgot I was still on the phone with her. My head is killing me. Pretty soon I’ll start hallucinating from sleep deprivation. It’s been almost a week since Halloween.
“Shit, sorry, Pen, I must have zoned out.”
Her bubbly laugh filters through the other end. “No worries. Were you thinking about how much fun we’ll have when you’re here in a few days?”
One of the companies I freelanced for last year is flying me to Paris for the Paris Photo Fair, where I will be featured as one of their top photographers. Previously, they were going to have someone from their company represent my collection of work, but they asked me again yesterday if I would consider changing my mind to be there in person. I could use a break from the drama here and accepted their offer. I haven’t told anyone besides Penelope yet, but I will tell Owen tonight.
“No, but that’s what I should focus on instead of Vera and Sebastian,” I answer tiredly. I would consider murdering someone if I thought it would mean I’d sleep through the night.
Penelope hums quietly. “Any new developments since last we talked?”
I rub my forehead as if it can make my headache disappear. “I don’t even know where to start. None of it sounds very believable. The hickey on my neck is very real, so it should be believable.”
“Is his dick really that magical?”
It might be. I hadn’t considered sorcery, but it would make sense. “I don’t know, but we’re not together. It was a slip. He was wearing a police uniform on Halloween and would not leave me alone!”
“So you hooked up with Sebastian because he wouldn’t leave you alone?” Penelope asks, and it sounds terrible when she says it like that.
“No. Maybe I like having sex with him,” I mumble as I flip through the pictures from my trip to Marseilles I took a year ago this week.
“I’m sure I’d enjoy having sex with him, too, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing it! Lia, if you like the guy, then why don’t you get back together with him?”
I click on the following photo and can’t blame her for asking. It’s something I’ve been asking myself. “Because I don’t trust him. It’s not that simple. Why are you team Sebastian all of a sudden? You told me to castrate him a few weeks ago.”
“I’m team Thalia, and you defended him, saying he messed up. So what’s stopping you from forgiving him for something that happened when you weren’t even together? Before you get mad at me for pointing that out, remember that those are your words I’m quoting,” Penelope quickly reminds me, and I roll my eyes even if she can’t see me.
“I know that’s what I said.” I also didn’t tell her how he brought Louis into one of our arguments to try to compare the two. If I did tell Penelope about that, she’d probably fly over here and follow through on her idea of castration. Sebastian bringing Louis up was upsetting, but it’s not why I’m holding out. I’m also guilty of saying the absolute wrong thing in the heat of an argument. I believe he’s sorry. Maybe I don’t even know why I’m holding out.
“Have you even slept a whole night since I left? Like a whole night of not getting up and doing that wandering shit you like to do?”
“I don’t like to do it, Pen; I get restless! Since you’re asking, I have slept a whole night since you left.” I just leave out the part that it was when I crashed in Sebastian’s room, but she didn’t ask how I did it, just if I had done it.
She sucks in a breath. “That’s something at least. Is he still trying to apologize?”
I stop scrolling on a picture of the ceilings inside the Notre-Dame de la Garde. It might be my favorite picture from that trip. I should print that out, and frame it for Mimi. “Sebastian’s still apologizing. I’ve thrown away at least four bouquets. I told him not to bother, but he’s not listening.” The last one he gave me was a few days ago and was the hardest to throw away. It didn’t seem to bother him too much.
“What does he need to do for you to accept his apology? I think Sebastian has proven he cares a lot about you.”
“I acknowledge his apology; I simply don’t accept it,” I say, sighing loudly because she’s right. “He does care, you’re right, but I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. Maybe there’s too much history for us to be together.”
Penelope’s silent long enough that I almost think the call has dropped, but she clears her throat. “Are you afraid of being with him? Like, really being with Sebastian because you can see a futurethere, and you’re not ready?”
I take a moment to consider the possibility of being afraid, but I have good reason to be. “There’s so much at stake. Owen’s his best friend. It’s not just about us.” I leave out that I also have to consider Mimi’s health is deteriorating, and he won’t have anyone left but my family. It’s not my story to share, but he will never disappear from my life. Sebastian will always be there. “Maybe I am afraid. Is that such a bad thing?”
“Oh, Lia, it’s not bad at all. The best things in life can come from what scares us the most.”
She’s not wrong. Penelope’s probably very right. “I’ll think about it,” I agree quietly, clearing my throat. “I talked to Vera.”
“I think I understand now. What did she say that freaked you out so much?”
“She said she loves him. That she’s in love with Sebastian, and I don’t know whether to believe her.”
Penelope snorts, letting me know exactly how she feels about what Vera said. “That’s bullshit. I don’t care if she does love him; don’t let that sway your heart. I’m sure that’s exactly what you’re doing and why you’re probably avoiding Sebastian.”
I scroll through more photos of the port with all the docked ships. The bright colors stand out and are so lively. “Bash deserves to be with someone who loves him. He had an interview and requested me as the photographer to get me to talk to him. It didn’t work, but he said he wanted someone to share everything with while we were there. Sebastian and I can’t get along for longer than a few days, so how is this supposed to work?”
“Well, it won’t work if you keep overthinking it! Nor will it work if you don’t forgive and learn to trust him. Yes, I was mad when I found out about him and Vera because you were hurting. If you’re doubting how much he likes you, all you have to do is look at the guy to see he’s head over heels for you.” Her words are so similar to Vera’s. And they’re right. It’s been right before me if I’d take him back. It’s just terrifying to take that step. “As much as I’d love to hear you moan on and on about a man who is buying you multiple bouquets of flowers to get you to forgive him, I have to go. It’s the middle of the night here, and I’m exhausted. I hope you consider letting yourself be happy,” Penelope says, and I realize I’d forgotten the time difference.
“I’m sorry; you could have cut me off. I’ll see you in a few days! Sleep well!”
“Oh, I will because I’m not sharing a bed with you. Think about what I said and try harder to forgive him. à bient?t! Qui n’avance pas, recule.” Who does not move forward, recedes.
“Goodnight, Pen,” I say with a smile, pulling the phone down to end the call. Talking to her makes everything seem a lot more straightforward. If Penelope thinks I’m being too hard on Sebastian, then maybe I am. I don’t want to stay stagnant, caught in this cycle of arguing and saying hurtful things to each other. I have to move forward, even if I’m afraid to. I meant what I said to Vera. He is a good man.
Instead of avoiding Sebastian, I should put on my big girl pants and talk to him.
I grab a hoodie to put on over my sports bra and zip it up halfway before walking down the hallway to get a simple glass of water. Or at least that’s my excuse if Owen is out there and asks what I’m doing.
Thankfully, Sebastian is sitting on the couch watching a football game alone. He smiles faintly, lifting his head in acknowledgment before refocusing on the game. I force my feet forward over to the couch, sitting on the end opposite Sebastian.
“Bash, I want to apologize about Halloween night and how I acted when you got me flowers again a few days ago. I was rude, and I’m sorry.”
He’s momentarily surprised, clearly not expecting me to say that. Or maybe he’s surprised I’m speaking to him, considering I’ve been ignoring him. I needed time to think, but it’s not just about what I need. “Okay,” Sebastian says calmly.
“Okay?” I question, not understanding.
“What do you want me to say, Thalia? I’ve made it clear where I stand, and you’ve made it clear where you stand. Halloween didn’t change anything. You don’t need to apologize. I shouldn’t have tried to make it more than a quickie in the bathroom.”
Sebastian doesn’t look away from the television once as he tells me this. I pull my legs to my chest and lean into the couch’s cushion. “I’m afraid of us. I need to apologize because it wasn’t just a quickie, and I’m really sorry for how I’ve been treating you. I, um…I lash out when I feel like I’m going to get hurt. I think you already know that.” His soft laugh makes my cheeks burn red hot. He definitely knows. “I can’t keep trying to hate you because it’s not working. I don’t know how to be with you if I can’t trust you, but I want to.”
I don’t want to hate Sebastian, but I need to be able to trust him. I thought I could trust Louis, and obviously, he proved me wrong. I know Sebastian would never try to hurt me. Logically, I understand that. Illogically, being with Sebastian feels like giving up control over a part of my life because he does have the power to hurt me. For my sake, I need to know that Bash is being honest with me.
“I appreciate the apology, but I want you to know that you can trust me,” Sebastian says, now giving me his full attention. “I’m sorry. I’ll say it however many times you need me to say it. I know I’ve said stupid and hurtful things. Truthfully, I’m terrified. This—us? It scares me.” I know exactly what he means.
I relax my shoulders because hearing Bash echo what I feel makes me feel better. “I’m scared too. I promise I’m not going to hold Vera over your head anymore. I miss you, and I’m tired of pretending I don’t.”
“Don’t say this if you don’t mean it, Lia. I want another chance with you, but I need to know you won’t run away the second things get rocky. I’m not perfect, and I know I’ll make mistakes, but part of being together is working through those hard moments.”
I hear what he’s saying and understand why he needs to hear me say it. “I do mean it. I don’t want to rush this by jumping in headfirst. I want to do this the right way without sneaking around.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, what changed? Last time I checked, the flowers I gave you a few days ago were in the trash.”
“Honestly, Penelope. She told me the best things in life can come from what scares us the most. She said it shouldn’t matter what Vera said on Halloween, and I need to get over it to focus on how I feel about you instead.”
Sebastian’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Is Vera why you were so weird and wanted to leave the party? What did you talk about?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “We talked about you. I know you’ve said what happened with her was a mistake, but do you have any feelings for her?” I hate that I ask it because his shoulders droop in defeat.I just need to hear him say it, and I won’t ask again. The anxiety-riddled part of my brain knows that Vera would be the easier choice with less baggage. There’s definitely no older brother complicating things.
“I’ve never seen her as more than a friend. Last summer was a stupid mistake I’d take it back in a heartbeat if I could. I swear that was all that ever happened between Vera and me,” he reiterates, and I wonder if I should tell him what Vera said. I just said no secrets. I can’t expect him to tell me everything if I don’t do the same.
“Vera said she’s in love with you. I don’t want to hide that from you, but you should know,” I say quietly, holding my breath for his reaction. I believe he doesn’t have feelings for her, but I think Bash deserves to know.
Sebastian lets out a shaky breath, looking surprised. “I swear I didn’t know, Lia.”
“It’s okay.” It’s not like he made her fall for him. I’m not entirely irrational when it comes to that aspect of the situation.
“I’m sorry she told you that, but it doesn’t change anything for me,” he says, dragging a hand over his stubble. His phone screen lights up, and he looks at it quickly. “Shit. I’m sorry, but I have to get to practice. Can we talk more about this when I’m back?”
“Sure. I’ll be with Blake for a while, but we can finish this later.” I smile reassuringly, getting up from the couch. I still have a few days before I leave for us to sort everything out. Sebastian stands, pulling me into him as a surprised squeak escapes from my mouth. “Bash, what are you doing?”
His arms wrap around me, and I sink into his embrace. “I’m hugging you because I have missed holding you. You won’t regret this.”
I don’t think I will.