Chapter Thirty-Three - Sebastian
I HAVE MORE energy than I have in days. Practice was fine. The beginning was spent watching tape, and Coach ran the hell out of us. Still, there’s nothing that could dim the smile on my face.
At one point, Coach asked if we needed to run more drills because I didn’t look as miserable as everyone else. Owen didn’t say anything, but Chris gave me a thumbs up when he pieced together my sudden mood change.
“So what kind are you buying today? You’re a regular since I see you so often now. It used to only be every other week for your grandma,” Evelyn, the older woman at the register, says.I’m eager to get home, but I wanted to stop first to get flowers for Thalia.
I smile sheepishly at her. “Do you have a flower that means thanks for taking me back after I messed up?”
She smiles, and it takes me aback for a moment. She reminds me of Mimi when she smiles. I don’t know how I haven’t noticed that before. “Oh my, well I’m glad it’s working out for you.”
“Me too. Thalia’s special,” I say, recovering from my shock. When she came out and sat on the couch, I didn’t know what to expect. I know I messed up by not telling her what happened with Vera. I thought I was starting to get through to her, but after Halloween, when she said nothing had changed for her, I’d be lying if Isaid it didn’t hurt. It felt like something had, but after how insistent Thalia was, I told myself I was reading too much into it. I should thank Penelope.
“How about we just stick with traditional roses this time? They’re classics for a reason,” Evelyn suggests, grabbing a bouquet of dark red roses. They’re beautiful, just like Thalia.
“I’ll be happy if she doesn’t throw them away.”
“She sounds like a spitfire.” She looks up at me suspiciously. “I don’t want to know what you did, do I?”
I shake my head quickly. I don’t know if I could ever come here again if Evelyn knew the mess I made. “Probably not. How much do I owe you?”
“Nothing this time. Consider it a thank-you for all the business you give me. Or maybe I should be thanking this girl of yours for being so stubborn.” Evelyn wraps them up nicely before handing them to me.
“Thank you for this. I appreciate it,” I say, taking them gingerly. “I’m sure I’ll be back in a few days.”
“Make sure she doesn’t throw those away. They’re too pretty.”
“I’ll do my best.”
I climb into my car parked outside, setting the flowers on the passenger seat. At this point, I wonder if Thalia might continue throwing away the flowers to prove she can. I smile at the thought because it’s exactly something she would do.
Evelyn’s shop is close to fifteen minutes away from campus, but she’s sweet and cares about what she does. I found the shop a month after Mimi went to the nursing home since it’s on my way, and I’ve been coming here ever since. I’ve been in more than usual the past few weeks, but it’s nice seeing her.
I run my hand through my hair to find it’s still damp from showering after practice. I’m in such a rush to get back to the apartment to finish the conversation from earlier that I realize I forgot Thalia said she was going to hang out with Blake. Not to sound clingy, but I hope she comes back sooner than later.
Owen is hanging out with Chris and Eric tonight; my excuse for staying home is I have an essay to finish. Which I do, so it technically isn’t a lie. It just isn’t due for a week.
There’s a lot for Thalia and me to discuss, and I’d prefer to do it without looking over my shoulder to see if Owen is listening. I want to tell Owen as soon as possible because I should have done it long ago.
I haven’t quite figured out what Thalia means to me. I know I’m not stupid enough to let her go before I figure it out. It’s cheesy, but I want the kind of love that Mimi always said my parents had. I want the friendship that she and Grandpa had in their relationship. It might be wishful thinking, but I can see Thalia in the future I hope for myself, and I hope she sees that too. It’s the reason I didn’t give up on us.
I park in my usual spot, grabbing my bag of gear from the trunk before carefully holding onto the roses as I walk into the stairway entrance up to the second floor where the apartment is.
I can probably watch some film on the team we’re playing this weekend. According to Cody, they have a quarterback who is my biggest competition for the Heisman. I don’t think I’m even in the running, but our record is strong, and my numbers are solid. We’re 7–2, our losses being from some of the stronger teams in the conference who outplayed us.
“Bash, can I talk to you?” Vera asks, standing by my apartment door. Oh shit.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, probably a little harsher than I should have. Vera cannot be here when Thalia gets back. I’ve been ignoring all of her texts since after Thalia’s party. I haven’t stopped thinking of how Vera pitted Thalia and me against each other. I wish I’d noticed sooner. I was blind with how hurt and angry I was after letting those feelings fester for a year and a half. It was so easy to assume the worst from Thalia that I didn’t consider the thought someone else was making sure things looked terrible. That it was Vera—a friend we’d trusted for years who betrayed us. I force the key into the lock and open the door. Her arms are crossed over her chest from the chill in the air since she didn’t wear enough layers to stand out in the cold to wait. It’s not my problem.
“I was hoping we could talk. I didn’t think you’d say yes if I called since you’re ignoring my texts, so I waited for you to get back from practice.”
“Do you not even realize how weird that sounds? I would have answered those texts if I wanted to talk. I have nothing to say to you, and I’d like you to leave,” I say firmly, stepping into the apartment. “Vera, you should look for someone who can reciprocate your feelings.” When I try to shut the door, Vera wraps her fingers around the edge, making it impossible for me to close it without smashing them.
“Please.”
Maybe she just needs to say whatever she wants to, and then we can move on from this idea she has of us being together, because it’s not happening. I want Thalia, and I’ll be damned that I’ve worked this hard for a second chance just to blow it.
“Fine.” I sigh, dropping my gear on the floor with a loud thud. “Say what you need to say and then go.” Against my better judgment, I open the door for her.
“Sebastian, I’m not an idiot. I see how you look at her. I’ve always seen it, but you’ve never seen me,” Vera says, watching as I set Thalia’s flowers on the counter. Her face falls, and I almost feel sorry for her. I never suspected Vera had feelings for me. It would have changed so many things if I had known.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, but I’m not apologizing for how I feel about Thalia.”
“You deserve better than what Thalia can offer you,” she continues, and I stare at Vera, astounded by how much I don’t recognize the person in front of me.
“You really don’t get it? Vera, I don’t know how to say this more clearly than I already have, but I want Thalia. I want everything she has to offer me, regardless of what you think I deserve,” I insist, making sure to keep a distance between us. The last thing I need to do is lead her on any more than I unintentionally have. I’m trying to respect our years of friendship, but I can’t make Vera comprehend what I keep saying. I don’t know how many more ways I can say I’m not interested before she believes me.
“What can she give you that I can’t? If sex is what you want, then fine, we can go back to your bedroom right now. I am in love with you, and I thought maybe after that day in your pool, you might finally see me instead of her,” Vera says with tears in her eyes, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or say right now. I’m not great with crying.
“If I thought you’d try to turn that day into something it wasn’t, I would have stopped it before anything happened. I’m sorry. That’s on me. It was just sex; I thought you understood,” I stammer, feeling like an awful person. Have I been that wrapped up in my own crap that I missed Vera’s feelings? Were they that obvious?
Vera wipes the tears from her cheeks. “Of course I knew it was just sex to you! You have never looked at me the way I wanted you to. Do you have any idea of how much that hurts?”
“I don’t know what you want from me. How do I know if you’re even telling the truth when you say you love me?” I drag my hands over my face, frustrated because we’re just going in circles. I should have known better or used my brain more, and none of us would be in this situation. I also should have never let Vera in the apartment. “I think it’s time for you to go.”
“Do you think I’d lie about that?” She ignores that I’ve asked her to leave again.
“We’ve been friends for years, and you had all of last year to say something when Thalia wasn’t here. As I’ve said, it wouldn’t have changed anything because I’ve never had feelings like that for you, but I don’t think you actually love me. I think you love the idea of me.”That’s all anyone ever seems to want: the perfect image of me they’ve conjured in their mind. Before Thalia, not once had someone asked if I genuinely enjoyed playing football. Thalia sees me in a way that no one ever has before, and I crave that feeling I get when I’m around her.
“When was I supposed to say something? All you ever thought about was fucking football, Sebastian! Then, when Thalia was finally out of the picture, it was obvious you had only ever thought about that stupid fight with Thalia! You didn’t go to parties unless Owen or Chris dragged you to them. I’ve never even seen you date someone except for that stupid cheerleader. Then Lia’s back, and you’re suddenly seeing someone. You were a zombie, and now you’re normal again. So why her? What is it about Thalia that makes her so damn special?”
Vera’s tears are rolling down her face and she coughs, growing increasingly more upset. I hand her a tissue because I’m not heartless, and at one point, Vera was my friend. “Because she is special to me. I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it myself. What I can tell you is the games have to stop. The stunt you pulled at her party was absolute bullshit, including everything before and after that. Stop telling Thalia she isn’t good enough to be with me. Just because you’ve convinced yourself you love me, it doesn’t give you a claim to me! How you have treated Lia when you’re supposed to be her best friend is not the kind of person I’d want to be with.”
“Then I’m sorry to inform you that she’s an even bigger bitch than I am. You’re only fooling yourself if you think she wouldn’t give you up in a heartbeat if you stood between her and her dreams,” Vera says defensively, and something in me snaps. Maybe it’s the part of me that fears she’s right about Thalia’s dreams. She’s bigger than this place. I’d follow her anywhere, but would she do the same?
“Get out. I heard what you had to say, and I don’t feel the same way. I’ve spent weeks trying to get her back because of you and what you said at the party!”
Vera stiffens, finally understanding I’m done. I don’t know why it’s taking this long to understand. “Have you considered why you never told her?”
I move to lead her out gently because it’s clear that while I’m done having this conversation, Vera isn’t going to leave. I open the door, ready to move her past the threshold if I have to. “I’m sorry I don’t return your feelings, but this isn’t you. When you’re ready to be friends, maybe we can try that, but you need to leave.”
And then, before I realize what’s happening, her lips are on mine, and I push her off as soon as I regain my bearings. It happens a second too late.
Thalia’s standing in the doorway, a stony expression on her beautiful features. “I’m sorry to interrupt. Carry on,” she says calmly, slipping past us without a second glance.
“You had no right to kiss me; leave now.” I glare at her, and this time, Vera listens. I hate it got to this point. Vera’s delusional, and now Thalia saw something that never should have happened. I lock the door behind Vera before I move quickly to Thalia’s room. I’m not surprised the door is locked when I try the door handle. “Lia, please. It wasn’t what it looked like.”
A drawer slams from inside her room, but there’s no verbal response.
“I’m sorry. Please open the door,” I plead, continuing to knock. I rest my forehead against the door as I stand there for what feels like forever, just waiting for Thalia to open the door so I can explain. I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe this is happening.
Eventually, she opens the door. Her green eyes are rimmed red from crying. “What was she doing here?” Thalia asks, suspiciously calm. Lia should be screaming and throwing things. The quietness in her demeanor is terrifying.
“Vera was waiting for me when I got back after practice. I told her to go, but she wanted to talk. I said I’d hear her out so she’d leave us alone. Thalia, please. I was walking her to the door when she turned and kissed me. It was only for a second, and I pushed her off me,” I say it all so quickly I’m not even sure she heard everything. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I’m desperate. She has to know that I didn’t plan on this happening. She has to believe me.
“You never should have let her in! What did you think Vera came here to tell you? That she loved you and wanted to be with you? Did it feel good to have your ego stroked because Vera desperately wants to be the girl you’re with in ten years?” Thalia throws my words from the interview in my face. The words I said about Thalia being the one I want to be with. We both knew what I meant when I said it.
“I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks, and I run my hand through my hair. “I messed up. I don’t want Vera at all. You are the one I want. I don’t know how else to tell you that.”
Thalia grabs something from her closet and throws it in the suitcase on her bed. Suitcase? What? “I know Vera’s crazy. I know you don’t want her. I saw her kiss you, and I saw you push her away. I just…I don’t know,” she says, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m frustrated because I’m trying to understand why, after knowing every manipulative thing she’s done, you would still let her into the apartment?”
I open my mouth to answer, but I don’t have a good one. “She was my friend for a long time. After everything I did to fuck things up, I thought if I heard her out, Vera would drop it afterward. I didn’t know she’d kiss me,” I explain quietly, and Lia’s face falls.
“She’s been my friend for a really long time too,” she says, grabbing more clothes from her closet to put in her suitcase.
“Are you seriously running away right now because of this?” I ask roughly, looking at the clothing folded in her suitcase. I asked Lia to give me a chance. How is this going to work if we can’t even get through a conversation?
Thalia crosses her arms defensively over her chest. “I’m not running away. While I was at Blake’s, I got a call from a company in Paris that I worked for last year. There’s an event this week, and they want me over there earlier than they originally said. I wasn’t supposed to leave for a few days, but they moved my flight to tonight. I understand the logic behind why you let Vera in, and I know you didn’t mean for her to kiss you. I’m not mad at you, Bash. I’m upset at the whole situation, but I am not running.”
“Then talk to me! Listen to what I have to say, and tell me what you’re thinking so we can move forward!”
“I don’t know what I’m thinking right now! I need a minute to breathe and let my brain catch up. That’s what I’m trying to tell you!” she exclaims, her eyes welling up with tears, and for the second time today with a crying woman, I have no idea what to do.
“Don’t leave.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
I catch her off guard, but her expression quickly darkens. “No. You don’t get to ask me to stay when this is important to me. I was going to tell you that I had to leave for a few days when I got back. It’s unfair of you to ask me to stay for you because I won’t do it.”
“Lia—” I take a step toward her, but Thalia shakes her head.
“I would never ask you to skip football.”
I sit on her bed silently, watching her finish packing. I shouldn’t have asked her not to go. Let’s add a new tally mark to my growing list of mistakes I’ve made speaking without thinking. She looked at me a few times as if she was going to speak but turned away each time without saying a word. Thalia zips her suitcase and exhales softly.
“Can I drive you to the airport?” I ask, trying to extend an olive branch to make up for asking Lia to stay. I shouldn’t have said it, but apparently, Thalia makes me crazy in more than one way.
Lia checks her phone and smiles sadly as she grabs her camera bag and suitcase. “My Uber is here.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod, forcing a pathetic smile. “Have a safe trip.”
“We’ll talk when I get back Sunday.” Thalia leans up, kissing my cheek briefly.
I watch as Thalia walks out the front door, wondering how things could have gone so poorly so quickly. The bouquet of red roses that Evelyn had wrapped so carefully is sitting on the counter. This time, I drop them in the trash myself.