Chapter Twelve
Liam
Sleep evades me. I feel like puking every time I think about how I practically forced myself on Jude.
He didn’t reject me, but that’s not the point.
I didn’t care what he wanted in that moment.
I was going to take what I wanted, and I wanted to be inside his body.
I wanted to fuck him up against the wall, hard and fast. I didn’t care about anything but taking what I needed.
And in that moment, claiming Jude was all I needed.
My cock throbs and I groan and pull the pillow over my head. I don’t want to want him. But even as those thoughts come to me, I shudder with need at the memory of his smell. The feel of his hard cock pressed against my flesh. His precum is still there, dried on my skin as proof of my selfishness.
I’m so damn confused. I’ve never cared if anyone was gay.
Not once in my life have I had a harsh thought about anyone in the LGBTQ community.
But when it comes to me wanting Jude, I’m ashamed.
Embarrassed. Humiliated. I don’t even know why.
If I’m cool with other people being gay, why would it matter if I was bisexual?
But it just does. It’s not who I thought I was, and that scares the shit out of me. What else don’t I know about myself?
Oh, God, and poor Jude. He’d responded so hungrily.
He’d been fucking willing. Then when I’d rejected him, he’d tried desperately to soothe me.
Reassure me. His anxiety and confusion had been palpable.
I could sense he didn’t trust I wouldn’t throw him out of my home right then and there. He’s used to being discarded.
I wouldn’t have done that to him. Never.
I truly care about Jude. I just don’t want to lust after him.
It’s also a betrayal of Kara. I love Kara.
I want to be with Kara. I want to have a normal, boring heterosexual life where I raise kids and go to little league games.
I don’t want to be the guy others whisper about behind my back.
I don’t want to have to put up with the prejudice we all know exists.
The prejudice Jude has probably had to put up with his whole life.
The prejudice I apparently have living inside of me.
I’m dreading tomorrow. Dreading facing Jude. I’m sure he’s having the same feelings. I really fucked up and I’m not sure how to fix the mess I made. Will Jude even want to be my friend now? My partner at work? Or will he think I crossed a line and he can’t be around me anymore?
Then there’s the part of me that thinks maybe that would be for the best. I wouldn’t kick Jude out, but if he decides he doesn’t want to be around me anymore, maybe that would be good. Maybe we could work with different partners and eventually move past this embarrassing situation I created.
However, when I think of Jude not being my partner, it feels wrong.
We make a great team. We can read each other so well, it would be a shame to stop working with him.
Plus, he’s become my best friend. I can’t even imagine losing that friendship.
Then again, maybe I already have by sticking my fucking tongue down his throat.
Whether he went along with it or not, that was wrong of me.
When the alarm goes off, I’m still awake. I drag myself out of bed and shower, trying not to think about facing Jude. But that’s impossible. My gut is churning as I towel off and dress in my uniform. Will he be mad at me after he’s had all night to think about what happened?
I go downstairs and the kitchen is empty.
I have a brief moment of panic thinking maybe Jude moved out last night.
But when I glance out the front window, his SUV is parked next to mine.
I’m surprised by the flood of relief I feel that he hasn’t run away from me.
He’s still here which means I have a chance to clean up my mess.
I make coffee, but decide to skip breakfast. I couldn’t eat if someone paid me. Maybe Jude and I can grab an early lunch, once we’ve talked this disaster out. If Jude is willing to listen, that is. I really hope he isn’t upset with me. I wouldn’t blame him if he was.
I’m drinking a cup of coffee, staring out the window over the sink, when I hear the scrape of Jude’s shoe behind me. I steel myself and turn to face him. Guilt instantly eats at me because there are dark shadows beneath his light blue eyes.
“Hey,” I say softly, setting my cup on the counter.
He meets my gaze, jaw tight. He seems to be bracing for impact. The anxiety radiating off of him makes me feel like the biggest asshole who ever lived. I wanted to be the one who protected him and watched out for him. Instead, I’m now the source of his stress.
“Jude, I don’t know what to say other than I’m really sorry.”
He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s okay, Liam.”
I grimace. “Not really. I acted like a jackass, and I feel awful about it.” I lean against the counter, crossing my arms. “I drank way too much… and… I think you’re right, I was amped up from the run and I just got… confused.”
His face twitches, but he nods. “Exactly. It was too much wine and excitement from the run.”
“Yes.” I’m happy he’s on the same page. “I love Kara. I’m embarrassed by my disloyal behavior.”
“I understand.” He moves to the coffeemaker so his back is to me. “Don’t worry. I’ll never say a word about what happened to anyone. It really was no big deal.” His laugh is forced. “Hell, if I had a nickel for every time I kissed a guy when I was drunk, I’d be a rich man.”
I laugh too, but there’s a weird prickle of jealousy at the thought of him making out with other guys. I reject that possessive emotion even as it swirls through me. “So, we both agree it was a mistake?”
He faces me, stirring his coffee. “A hundred percent.”
“Great. That’s… that’s great.” My face feels stiff when I smile at him. I finish my coffee and rinse the cup, carefully setting it in the dishrack. “I’m going to head to the station. I have a few things I need to take care of that I pushed off yesterday.”
“See you there.” His tone is casual without a hint of resentment.
Thank God. We can put this behind us.
When I get to the station, the first thing I do is call Kara and arrange to take her out to dinner tonight.
She’s thrilled. I really haven’t spent enough time with her lately.
I need to change that. It’s only natural we might drift apart if I don’t put in enough effort.
Maybe we should go ring shopping soon, to solidify my commitment to her.
I push away the anxiety I feel at the idea of proposing to her.
It’s a little tense between Jude and me when he gets to the station.
We’re both overly polite during roll call, careful not to stand too close, careful not to make eye contact that lasts longer than a second.
But once we’re in the SUV and the first call comes in, the job takes over the way it always does.
It helps that the first call is chaotic. It’s a fender bender in the resort parking lot. When we pull in, a guy in a lifted truck is standing next to a fire hydrant that’s spewing water. He’s red-faced and talking fast into his phone.
A woman sits in the passenger seat of his truck, arms crossed, staring straight ahead like she’s trying to astral project herself to another dimension. A second woman’s voice is blasting from the phone in his hand, loud enough that I can hear every word from twenty feet out.
“Is Trish with you?” a female voice screeches. “Well, is she, asshole? You said you were going skiing with the guys, Brian. I heard Trish’s voice in the background just now. Why is she there with you?”
The guy, Brian apparently, looks like he wants the asphalt to swallow him whole. As we approach, he jabs at his phone screen, fumbling to take it off speaker.
The woman in the truck climbs out, face red. “Is that your wife on the phone? You said you were getting a divorce, Brian,” she growls, slamming the truck door.
“I am, Babe. Get back in the truck. Just let me handle this.” Brian reaches for her arm and she sidesteps him.
“Don’t touch me. I can’t believe you lied to me again.”
“Babe, don’t be like that. Susan knows you’re the only one for me,” Brian says hoarsely. “What we have is true love, babe.”
Jude and I exchange a look.
Liam clears his throat as he pulls out his notepad. “Sir, I’m Officer Martinez. Can you show me your license and registration please, and tell me what happened here?”
While he takes the guy’s info, I call the fire department to deal with the hydrant.
Brian hands Liam his license and launches into an explanation that involves a lot of hand-waving.
The phrase “I was barely moving” is repeated at least ten times.
The wife is still going off on the phone, which Brian is now holding at arm’s length.
The woman from the truck pulls her jacket tighter and fixes me with a surly stare. “Officer, for the record, he was going way faster than he’s saying.”
“I wasn’t,” Brian insists.
“He definitely was. He was showing off.” She curls her lip and shouts at the phone, “And Susan, just so you know what a rat your husband is, he said you’re legally separated and that he hasn’t slept with you in months.”
Brian widens his eyes and presses the phone against his chest. “Shhh, babe, Jesus.”
Despite his attempts to keep his wife from hearing, the phone vibrates as his wife screams, “Separated? We had sex last night! Right here in our bed! He said he wanted to renew our vows.” The woman on the phone starts sobbing.
Both Jude and I wince.
Trish marches over and slaps Brian across the face.
I grab her and drag her away and Brian starts babbling into the phone, holding his cheek.
I make sure to keep Trish at a safe distance because she looks ready to murder him.
And while a part of me thinks Brian would deserve it, I’ve sworn an oath to protect and serve.