Chapter 18
SLIPPING AWAY
LEAH
Iwatched Gabe slink away and felt a sneaking suspicion that Lourdes rarely had a moment without him anymore. What I read as protective seemed even more controlling. There was more going on here between Lou and him than met the eye.
I turned back to Lourdes, keeping my voice soft.
“Never doubt how I felt, okay. I regret coming without you. You always have a place in my life, Lou, but if you wanted that place to be… permanent… I’d welcome it.
We’ll always be working. I know the reality, but…
having you gone gutted me. I realized just how much I missed you and how much I love you. ”
Lourdes shook her head. “We were headed in two different directions. It’s not that I didn’t want that on some level, but I don’t have time to waste. I must be selfish now, Leah. You can curse me for it. You think you love me, but I think you’re just frightened of change. We both need to move on.”
She choked on the words.
“No, I was frightened to take this whole show on my tiny shoulders with no know-how. And without you? I couldn’t have. I knew I could manage Broadway,” I insisted, despite having all the fears in the world about it. “But that’s the same feeling I have about us. I know we could make it work.”
“You don’t want that and I can’t do that. We made our choices and—”
I grasped at straws. “I know what we said, but if I could do it all over—”
“What was done was done,” Lourdes cut me off. “I love you. You love me. Our lives aren’t compatible. We’re in different places.”
I wanted to tell her this before she left.
I had a whole speech planned, but she packed and left for the airport hours earlier than planned.
Now, I had the chance and she reciprocated, but never in the way I expected.
Lourdes Lennon may have loved me, but she wasn’t in love with me. My heart broke, but I played brave.
“I know that. But if it ever changed—”
“Leah, you know the reasons it cannot. Maybe we end up both single and old someday and are both retired and make it work? But as much as I would love to really date you and build something with you, it just isn’t possible for oh so many reasons.”
“Never? Not even if we agreed to keep it under wraps or—”
“Leah, I know you don’t want to live in the closet. You deserve better.”
I did. She was right, but here I was trying to piece it all back together. I knew what I wanted, but it was too late.
“I hope you don’t hate me for being selfish. I really, really do love you, Leah. It’s just not in the way I think you need me to,” Lourdes admitted.
I shook my head defiantly. “I could never hate you or fault you for that. You’re an incredible talent and deserve all the roles you land. I will only ever hype you up.”
She squeezed my hand. “I don’t deserve that.”
I fought tears. “No, you do. You’d grant me the same while also cursing me.”
She giggled. “Yeah, true.”
I faced her, our hands clasped tight. “I will never not be here, okay? Even if we aren’t together-together, Lou, you are my best friend. If you need me, I’m a loyal bitch, okay?”
Lourdes snickered then looked at the toes of our shoes, pointed now at one another. “I know. You always show up.”
“And I always will. I would choose you a million times over anyone.”
Tears welled, and she shook her head. “We can’t, Leah. I am so sorry that this happened and I was a coward—”
I wanted to make it work. After rehearsals all week, I wanted to wrap her in my arms and say I wanted to do it all over.
Now, as I looked into her eyes, I told myself I loved her enough to let her go.
I sensed she needed space—even from me. She claimed to be the selfish one, but here I was asking her to give up a lucrative career just so we could maybe make a life together.
Relationships in the industry had a shelf life less than a box of cornflakes, but Lou being openly queer could end her career.
And then what? Permanent resentment over what I did to her?
I wiped my tears. “I’ll leave you to get some air, okay?”
“Thanks,” she said.
I walked towards the door.
“Leah?”
I turned.
“I will always love you,” Lou said. “You are my best friend. This just cannot be, but it doesn’t change that I love you.”
I teared up, sniffling, “I know. It never will.”
I wiped my eyes with open palms as I entered and approached the bar.
To my surprise, I ran into my friend Mac as the bartender handed me a fresh glass of bubbly. He’d been around this whole time, but I realized I’d not spoken a word to him.
“Best job done well,” he stammered.
I cocked my head. “Do you need a hard reset, bud?”
“Sorry… sorry. I swear I’m not still jet lagged. Uh… just an extremely good job. You did exceptionally.”
I gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek. “I’m so glad you came. And thank you, friend. How is your soon-to-be-wife?”
I looked around to see if his fiancée was about.
In truth, I was happy to hear that Mac was engaged, but I was confused as to why he was with Mary—a friend of his sister who sucked the fun out of everything.
Mac could be fun and lively, but she seemed as exciting as moss.
I figured that’s just what mature, stable people did.
Everywhere around me, I found people settling for something real while I chased what I couldn’t have.
He looked around, confused. “Uh, she must have dipped somewhere with my sister. She’s doing well. Tired. Excited. You know the drill.”
“I don’t,” I joked, “because no one is nuts enough to try to wed me. I am forever alone.”
I looked across the room to see Gabe waving. I couldn’t avoid him forever.
I kissed Mac’s cheek. “Congrats on the engagement. When you nail a date, lemme know! I’ll be there! Gotta go!”
I slowly approached Gabe. He looked me over in a way that made me uncomfortable.
“Nice job, Leah,” he said, as if needing to give an obligatory compliment.
“Just doing my job.” I sipped champagne.
“And that you seem very good at. As is Lourdes. She’s waxing all nostalgic right now.”
“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes.” He surveyed the party and avoided my gaze. “Stay out of it.”
Confused, I said, “Out of what?”
“Lourdes and I are together. I took her to the top. You’re not in this picture.”
Together. She’d not said anything about them dating. I’d never been jealous until now, but went into overdrive at the mere mention.
I set my jaw. “With no respect due, Gabe, I know Lou a lot better than you. You may have shown up with promises of rom-coms, but I have always stood by her and always will. I will be in the picture—long before you and long after.”
He sighed. “Leah, you’re young, beautiful, and completely unmoored. You and I both know Lourdes needs something steadier in her life—”
“What… someone to control her?”
“I wouldn’t dare do that, Leah.”
Uh-huh. I crossed my arms.
“What she has is a budding career as a star of movies where she gets the guy. You don’t fit into that picture. In fact, you’re completely at odds with it.”
“What are you insinuating, Gabe?” I growled.
“That you were a fad—a passing one—and while you are friends, your hypersexualized persona does nothing for Lourdes. I am trying to calm her and bring her into prominence, while your plan is to hit the bars with her every night.”
“Hypersexualized?” I gasped. “What does that even mean?”
“That you will fuck anything that moves. It doesn’t mean you love her. In fact, if you do, you will back the fuck off. She deserves something constant—someone willing to build a life with her. I can give her that.”
“Oh, really?” If looks could kill, he would have expired.
“Yes, really. And I have industry connections in Hollywood you don’t. You may have plot armor and a bank account we all envy, but if you ever want to pivot to making movies, you don’t want to make enemies with people like me.”
And there it was. I was in the way. In that moment, I knew I had to drop it. Gabe wasn’t wrong. If I continued to press the issue, I would be as untouchable as any actress seen as a “problem” who “ran her mouth”. This wasn’t theater land. If I didn’t back off, he’d ruin her life and mine.
“Good luck to you,” I said. “And Lourdes.”
He raised his glass. “Let’s toast to Lou, then.”
An insidious smile crossed his face as he realized his meal ticket was once again all his and that I had dropped the rope.
Lourdes entered the room again, all smiles again as she spoke to Brian.
I wanted badly to rush up and tell her to run far and fast, but she’d chosen Gabe and the industry.
I could neither blame her nor stand in the way. It was over.