Chapter Twenty-Nine
JULIETTE PUSHED THE pitchfork through the shavings in Warrior’s stall, thinking about Lucas, as always. Only today she was remembering how cute he’d been at four years old, with his plastic pitchfork, tiny cowboy boots, and felt hat, helping her muck a stall at the farm. He’d been so excited to help take care of the horses, he’d rattled on the whole time about how happy they’d be with their clean stalls. He’d complained about a lot of things in his life, but taking care of the horses had never been one of them. She tried to focus on that, but her fucking mind veered into dark, terrifying territory. The Land of What-Ifs. Her chin trembled, tears threatening, but she fought them with everything she had, refusing to go there.
He’s going to be fine. He has to be.
That had become her mantra.
She had always considered herself strong. When Lucas was growing up, she’d kept her chin up and had never let him feel her inner turmoil. When she’d left Josh, she’d told everyone she was fine, when leaving him and truly being on her own for the first time in her life had been the second-hardest thing she’d ever done. The first was the day she’d turned her back on her heart and married the wrong man. When Josh was killed, it had broken something inside her and Lucas, but she’d forged on, putting on a brave face and hiding her grief to remain strong for her son. She’d convinced herself there was nothing she couldn’t handle.
But the last eleven days had tried her on every level.
They’d met with Dr. Santowski, a pleasant enough man with kind eyes and a straightforward demeanor, and Lucas hadn’t freaked out when he’d realized he was an oncologist. He had no reason to worry. He trusted Juliette and Seeley’s explanation of wanting quick and accurate answers from a specialist. When Dr. Santowski ordered a biopsy, the word cancer never left his lips, and Lucas had taken it in stride as part of the process to get those answers.
But Juliette knew what they were trying to rule out, and trying to act like everything was normal while waiting for the results of the biopsy had her breaking down at the strangest moments. Thankfully, she’d been holding her shit together in front of Lucas, but other times, like when she was doing dishes or taking a shower, she’d hide away and cry. Last weekend, while they were having dinner at the ranch, Lucas was having a grand time, boasting about his motocross practice with Billie and sharing how excited he was that Layla was joining them for a bonfire afterward. But all Juliette could think about were the what-ifs.
What if he has cancer? Will he be able to do all the things he loves? What will his treatments be like? Sixty-five to ninety percent had trampled through her mind, demanding her attention and drawing the most terrifying questions of all. Will he still be here in a month? Six months? Six years from now? Or is this the beginning of the end? She’d had to excuse herself to hide in the ladies’ room until she could regain control of her emotions.
Seeley had been her anchor.
They’d decided not to hide the fact that he’d stayed over that first night, and Lucas had been surprisingly okay with it. She was glad, because Seeley always knew exactly what to do or say to help her feel better. He held her when she was sad, reassured her incessantly without losing patience, checked in with her during the day, and always found little ways to make her smile. Every day he left them a little something—a tin can full of wildflowers in the kitchen, a bouquet of them in her truck, chocolates for Lucas on his pillow, a framed picture of Lucas riding a bull at practice on their coffee table, or Lucas’s favorite, a picture of him and Layla making s’mores at one of their bonfires.
But Seeley’s gifts went far beyond the tangible. At night they talked, made love, or lay in each other’s arms, comforting one another, reminiscing, making jokes, or spinning hopeful tales.
Lucas may not realize it, but Seeley had become his rock, too. He showed up at every one of Lucas’s riding practices, joined him at motocross practices, took him driving three times a week without fail, and together they worked around the ranch fixing little things. They talked a lot and heckled each other often. She’d caught them in hushed conversations a few times, and when she’d asked what they were talking about, Lucas had said, guy stuff , and Seeley hadn’t breached that confidence.
She didn’t think it was possible to fall more in love with Seeley than she already was. But boy had she been wrong. Watching him nurture their son and build a strong relationship with him built on trust and love was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. And the best part was, she could tell Lucas loved him, too.
Seeley had spent nearly every night with them since that first night, and he’d been bringing the dogs with him, which Lucas loved. The dogs followed Lucas like he was the Pied Piper, and slept on his bed. Monday night Lucas asked if he could watch the dogs while Seeley was at church on Tuesday, and he’d been thrilled when Seeley dropped them off before his meeting. But as much as he loved having the dogs and Seeley at their house, when they’d spent the night at Seeley’s house last weekend, Lucas had enjoyed it even more. He’d gotten up early to check on the rehab horses with Seeley, and at Gus’s request, they’d brought his bicycle to the ranch, and he’d ridden to Sasha and Ezra’s house, so he and Gus could ride their bikes together up to the main house for breakfast.
There was definitely something magical about being around the Whiskeys and the energy at the ranch that had reeled their son in, just as it had her. The Whiskeys had been rallying around them, creating a new kind of normal for her and Lucas. One filled with family and friends and all the support they could ever need. The girls texted her often, and it was wonderful to have real girlfriends who cared about her and Lucas. Last Sunday, several of his family members had gone on a trail ride with them and Lucas and Layla. Lucas still hadn’t stopped talking about how much fun they’d had.
Juliette’s therapist was helping her navigate the pressure of waiting for the results of the biopsy, but not as much as Seeley and his family were. She’d quickly learned that there was no substitute for a loving family, and she thanked her lucky stars that Seeley’s had accepted her and Lucas so completely.
Now she was praying for those lucky stars to align for Lucas. They were meeting with Dr. Santowski later this afternoon to get the results of his biopsy.
Her chest constricted just thinking about it.
He’s going to be fine. He has to be.
She hoisted a pitchfork of manure into the wheelbarrow.
“Juliette?”
She peered out of the stall and saw Wynnie by the open barn door. She looked pretty in a colorful sweater, jeans, and her ever-present cowgirl boots. “I’m in here.” Juliette set the pitchfork against the wall and wiped her hands on her jeans as she stepped out of the stall.
“Hi, honey. I looked for you up at the house, and thought you might be down here.”
“I was in a mucking mood.”
Wynnie drew her into her arms, holding her a little longer, and tighter, than usual. Juliette had gone so many years without hugs from anyone other than Lucas, she hadn’t realized how much she’d missed them, and she was grateful for the extras.
“I can understand that,” Wynnie said. “It’s a hard day for everyone. I made you some of that lemon cake you were so fond of the other night. I left it on your kitchen table.”
“ Aw , thank you. That was really nice of you.” She’d eaten three pieces the other night. “I swear, I’m either stress eating or unable to stomach a thing lately.”
“There’s a lot of that going around in our family right now.” Wynnie touched her hand. “How are you holding up, honey?”
She pressed her lips together, shaking her head, and shrugging. “Doing the best I can. You know. I keep telling myself he’s going to be fine, and that works for a while. Until it doesn’t, and then I’m bawling in the bathroom or pulling over on the highway to wipe my tears.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Wynnie squeezed her hand. “I’ve been doing the same thing. But we’re all putting positive energy out there, hoping and praying for the best. Whatever happens today, we’ll get through it together. All of us.”
Tears sprang to Juliette’s eyes, and she fanned her face. “I’m sorry.”
“Sweetheart, it’s okay to cry.” Wynnie embraced her again, speaking softly. “You’ve got a mountain of worry in your heart. Let it out, baby girl.”
That made her cry harder. “I just…I’m so scared. What if it’s bad news?”
“Then we’ll deal with it. Doc has been gathering information, talking to doctors, finding out who the best physicians are for every possible outcome.”
“He has ?” She drew back, wiping her eyes. “Why didn’t he tell me?”
“Because he loves you, and he doesn’t want to worry you. He’s hoping for the best, like the rest of us, but he wasn’t going to walk in there today unprepared. He wants to be strong for you and Lucas, and the only way he feels like he can do that is to be ready for anything.”
Guilt swamped her, drawing more tears. “ I should’ve been doing that. I’m his mother, and I didn’t think to do it.”
“Honey, you’re doing everything you can to keep your head above water in a very trying time. But I understand how you feel. You and I are a lot alike. We’ve had different journeys, but we’re strong, hearty gals who are used to dealing with the ups and downs of life on our own. I helped my father run the ranch and helped him grieve my mother. The woman he loved his entire life. It was not easy, and when Tiny came into my life, letting him take the lead and take care of me went against everything I knew. But he showed me how we were stronger together. Sometimes Tiny needs to lean on me, and other times I need to lean on him. And occasionally we do things without mentioning them to each other, because we know they’re best handled that way. That’s love , sweetheart. You and Lucas are Doc’s world. It’s okay to let him do the heavy lifting right now. Doc needs that as much as you need to cry in the shower and muck the stalls.”
Juliette swiped at her tears. “I know you’re right, but I keep thinking about all the years I wasted when Seeley and Lucas could’ve been together, and now we’re dealing with this . I feel so guilty.”
Wynnie took her by the shoulders, holding her gaze, and said, “Listen to me, sweetheart. We don’t even know what this is yet. What we do know is that nobody blames you for those lost years. Not Doc or me, or Tiny, or anyone else. You and Lucas are our treasured gifts, and nothing will ever change that.”
Overwhelmed with emotion, tears spilled down her cheeks as she choked out, “Thank you,” and embraced Wynnie.
“You’re family, sweetheart, and in our family, that bond is unbreakable.”