Chapter Thirty-One
AFTER A FEW fitful hours of sleep, Doc glowered at the clock, as if it were at fault for it being four o’clock on a fucking Monday morning. It had been five days since they’d learned Lucas’s diagnosis. His PET scan was scheduled for tomorrow morning, and while they were keeping things as normal as possible, Doc was struggling inside. He needed to get out of his own head.
He slipped quietly out of bed, trying not to wake Juliette, quickly showered and dressed, and pulled on a flannel shirt over his T-shirt as he headed upstairs to check on Lucas.
When Lucas had asked if they could bring their horses to the ranch and spend the weekend there, Doc had been thrilled. That was what he’d wanted all along, to have Lucas and Juliette in the one place he knew they’d be surrounded by love and support. As far-fetched as it was, he hoped his grandfather was right, and some of the ranch’s magic might help heal Lucas and kill the motherfucking cancer. He’d grasp at every fucking straw there was if it would heal his boy.
The door to Lucas’s room was ajar for the dogs.
Doc peered in, and his heart thudded a little harder. Lucas was fast asleep with Mighty on one side of him, his arm over Sadie, and Pickles lying at his feet. Mighty lifted his head at the silent intrusion, and Pickles didn’t move a muscle, but he was eyeing Doc.
Doc had been thinking a lot about the way the dogs had sniffed Lucas so fervently the first time they’d met him, how Sadie had whined even while he was playing with her, and the way they stuck to him like glue. He had no doubt the dogs had known something was off with Lucas.
Why the fuck didn’t I?
As a medical professional, he knew it was an unfair correlation, but it didn’t fucking matter. It was how he felt.
He made his way downstairs and headed outside, filling his lungs with the brisk October air. He walked down his driveway and along the narrow road until the trees gave way to grass. Then he cut along the hill, gazing out at the pastures on his way to the rehab barns. A few horses were visible in the distance. That sight usually calmed him, but today he was too angry.
Tortured .
He turned away and looked beyond the barns and pastures, over the treetops, to the mountains in the distance. They were every bit as majestic against the predawn sky as they always had, but the beauty and sense of freedom they’d held his entire life had dulled with Lucas’s diagnosis.
The whole fucking world had.
When he entered the barn, the familiar smell of the horses finally brought a modicum of solace. He made his way from one stall to the next, checking the horses, giving them extra love, and taking stock of the good he’d done. He’d hoped to take the edge off his anger, but as he walked into Queenie’s stall, she nickered, turning her bright eyes on him, and he felt a stab of guilt.
“Morning, sweet girl.” He petted her, wondering if she’d hoped Lucas was with him.
Lucas had been visiting Queenie every time he was at the ranch. Two weekends ago, he’d been chomping at the bit to visit the healing horses with Doc in the morning, and he’d enjoyed it so much, he’d been excited to do it again. But this past weekend, after he got the news of his cancer, he hadn’t wanted to.
Doc didn’t blame him. Queenie had come a long way in the month since Lucas had first met her, but the rehab barn was a heart-wrenching environment, and Lucas had enough heart-wrenching things of his own to deal with.
They all did.
Queenie pushed her muzzle into Doc’s chest. He scratched behind her ears, trying to muster a smile or a positive word, but he was grappling with guilt and worry.
“She knows you’re troubled.”
Doc was startled by Tiny’s voice, but he didn’t turn around. He didn’t want his father to see his pain. “Isn’t it a little early for you to be here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.” He walked into the stall and stood beside the horse, giving himself a head-on view of Doc, studying him.
Doc studied him right back, remembering years ago, standing in a barn with his unflappable father beside a horse they weren’t sure was going to make it. His father’s hair had been long then, too, but dark like Dare’s. His father had barely left the horse’s side in the twenty-four hours since it had arrived at the ranch. Doc had asked him why, and his father had said, The horse is scared. I’m giving her a reason to fight . Doc hadn’t understood how sitting there would do that. His father’s answer was simple. Love is the cornerstone of hope. Nurture the heart, and the mind and body will thrive.
His father looked at the horse. “How’s she doing?”
“Good.” It was a pat answer, because Tiny kept close tabs on all the horses. He knew exactly how well she was doing.
“And you, son?” His dark eyes found Doc’s again. “How’re you holding up?”
“Fine.” Knowing the horse would feel his rising tension, he walked out of the stall.
Tiny followed, closing and locking the stall. He put a hand on Doc’s shoulder, applying enough pressure to set Doc’s legs in motion to walk with him out the back door of the barn. He planted his boots in the dirt and crossed his arms, facing Doc head-on. “You sure about that?”
Fuck no. “As good as to be expected.”
“Then you’re doing better than I am. My grandson is going through a hell of a health scare, and I’m downright angry about it. He’s too damn young to deal with this shit.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Doc barked, as if Tiny had accused him of not caring. He knew that’s not what Tiny had meant, but that didn’t stop his heartache from pouring out. “You think I wouldn’t give my life to save him from all of this? To save Juliette from worrying?” He paced angrily. “He’s a fucking kid . He should be thinking about kissing his girl, and Halloween costumes, and the fucking Snow Ball dance, not PET scans and treatment plans, and worrying about whether his hair is going to fall out. You should have heard the questions he asked his doctor. It broke my fucking heart.”
He turned away from Tiny, tears burning his eyes. “And what fucking good am I? I can save a ranchful of horses, but I can’t save my own son from going through this or the woman I love from suffering.”
His father’s heavy hand landed on his shoulder again, hauling him into his arms.
“I’m fine ,” Doc bit out, trying to pull away, but Tiny was a strong bastard, and he locked his arms around him.
“The hell you are. We’re all about as fine as rabbits caught in a rattler’s nest.”
“Fuck.”
“You need to holler? I’ll listen. You need to beat the hell out of something? I’ll hang a bag for you to beat on. You need the open road? I’ll ride with you. You got a lot on your shoulders, son, but you don’t have to carry that burden alone. We’re all here to help.”
He knew that to his core. Not just with family and the people on the ranch, but with the brotherhood, too. Tiny had mentioned what was going on with Lucas at church last night, and every man in that room had offered to help.
“This fucking disease.” He pushed free, pacing. “I thought if I knew what was coming, I could handle it. But Jesus, Tiny, he’s my kid . My flesh and blood.” He pounded his chest with his fist. “I just fucking found him, and now…”
“What’re you saying, Doc? You said this is a highly curable disease even if it’s later stage.”
“I fucking know , but this is science, Tiny, not magic. We don’t know what stage he has or how his cancer will respond to treatment. We don’t know if his hair will fall out or if he’ll get sick from treatments. Did you know being male is a higher risk factor than being female with this disease? Yeah . How fucking great is that?” Tears streaked down his cheeks. “And Lucas, my amazing kid, who was just coming into his own and coming to grips with me being in his life, is withdrawing from everyone. Did you notice Layla wasn’t here this weekend?”
“I did.”
“He said she was busy, but I know he’s pushing her away. All I want to do is help him, and I feel so fucking useless. Last night Juliette was in tears because when we were in the hospital and the doctor mentioned the swollen lymph node, she told Lucas she’d kill him if he had mono. No amount of talking will take away her guilt, and she didn’t do a damn thing wrong. She just said what hundreds of parents have probably said. How can I fix that for her? How can I make her see that Lucas didn’t take the comment to heart, and neither should she?”
He dragged his forearm across his eyes, gritting out a curse.
“I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re doing exactly what they need. You’re listening and reassuring. You’re there for them when they need you.”
Doc scrubbed a hand down his face. “It doesn’t feel like enough.”
“It never will.”
“That’s not helpful,” he barked.
“It’s honest, son. Before you found out Lucas was sick, did you feel like you were doing enough for them?”
That felt like a lifetime ago, but he thought about it and realized he hadn’t felt like anything was enough. “No.”
“That’s love, son. No matter the situation, good or bad, when you love someone, you never feel like you’ve done enough. The only thing besides this family and the club you can count on in life is that things change, and if you love your partner, your kids, and your friends, then you’re going to continue changing with them and for them. That’s how you make sure they have what they need and what they don’t even know they need.”
Tiny stepped closer and said, “Now, as far as your boy goes, I do have one piece of advice. I don’t have many regrets, but I do carry one about my brother Axel.” Axel was Tiny’s youngest brother. He’d passed away more than a decade ago from lung cancer. “You know he was a rough and tough Nomad who worked hard and played harder. Axel battled demons, and took them out on himself.”
“Yeah. But he cleaned up his act eventually.”
“That’s right. But by then he was already so damaged. He lost his first love in a motorcycle accident. He was driving, but the accident wasn’t his fault. The guilt though?” Tiny shook his head. “He wore it like a second skin and spent years running himself into the ground, drinking, using women, trying to outrun the pain.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you know what we do here. The ways we help people.”
Doc nodded, understanding dawning on him.
“I knew Axel was fucking up, and when he didn’t want to talk about it, I let it go. If I’d tried harder, given him a purpose, gotten him to talk to someone, to stay here, to take part in our world, maybe things would’ve turned out differently. Maybe he’d’ve let himself be loved, and he’d’ve had a chance to know his son.”
“You can’t know if trying harder would’ve helped.”
“Exactly. That’s why it’s my regret and why my advice to you is this. If you feel Lucas pulling away from the people he loves or the things he enjoys doing, don’t let him. Fear can chew a person up and spit them out. You do everything you can to give that boy a reason to fight. You figure out the things that will make him want to take part in life. It doesn’t matter if they’re big or small. You get him involved, and most importantly, you keep talking to him, even when he doesn’t want to hear your voice anymore, and you never stop.”
Doc thought back to those painful years after Juliette was ripped from his life, when he’d tried to push everyone away, and his parents were constantly pestering him. His mother would show up on campus and say she happened to be in the area and she’d take him to lunch, or his father and Manny and a handful of other Dark Knights would drag him out for a motorcycle ride. And his parents always needed help with something: rescuing a horse, fixing a fence, or helping with the rehab horses. He’d thought they were shorthanded on the weekends. But looking back, his father had used those times to get him talking, and his mother would often show up in the rehab barn and get him talking, too.
An idea took hold, and he looked at his father through new eyes. “Like you did for me?”
Tiny cocked a grin. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, son.”
“ Uh-huh . Thanks for the talk. I needed it.”
“You okay? You want to take a walk or get some coffee?”
“No, thanks. I’m afraid I need a rain check, if that’s a’right. I’ve got something I want to take care of back at the house.” As they headed around the barn, Doc decided to ask the questions he never had. “When all that went down with me and Juliette, you had to know we were sneaking off to that cabin. Why didn’t you stop us?”
“Because I raised you to respect women, and she was a bright, mature young lady. I wasn’t worried that you were taking advantage of her, and you two were crazy in love. That’s rare, son. I wouldn’t steal that from either of you.”
“I’m glad you didn’t, but why didn’t you tell Cowboy and Dare and everyone?”
“At the time we’d thought she’d dumped you, and you were heartbroken. You didn’t need your siblings giving you shit about it, and with what went down with her father, we thought the less it was talked about, the better.”
As they walked up the hill, Doc couldn’t stop thinking about the way his parents had been there for him without letting on that that was what they were doing. When they came to the road that led to his place, he said, “Hey, Pop, thanks for not giving up on me.”
“Don’t count your chickens,” Tiny teased with a chuckle.
“RODEO, WAKE UP.”
Lucas groaned, and Sadie licked his face.
Doc shook his shoulder. “Come on, buddy. Get up.”
Lucas squinted at the clock as Pickles and Mighty crawled over him, tails wagging. “ Why? It’s five thirty in the freaking morning.”
“I know. I need your help before school.”
“For what ?”
“To help me grab some lumber from our stockpile. We’re going to build your mom porch swings.”
“Now?”
“No. We’re going to gather the wood and get set up in the workshop behind the barn. It’ll take a while for us to get them built.” Doc tossed him his jeans. “Hurry up. It’s a surprise.”
“Why not buy her one?”
“Because we’re not lazy .” That earned a smile. “And we’re going to make them special.”
He sat up to pull on his jeans. “Them? Like more than one?”
“Yup. We’re building two since sometimes we stay at your place, and sometimes we stay here.”
He grinned. “She’s gonna be so happy, but you know you’re spoiling her by building two, right?”
“Just setting the standard, bud. Now get dressed, brush your teeth, and meet me downstairs in five minutes. I’m going to feed the dogs.”
“Wait.” Lucas stood up to button his jeans. “Can I help you build both of them?”
“That’s the plan.”
“But how can we do it without her knowing? I’m at school all day.”
“We’ll be crafty. When you stay here, we’ll get up before she does and put in an hour of work. The nights we go driving, we’ll sneak in more time. We’ll get ’em done.”
“Cool.”
“Meet me downstairs, and try not to be too loud. We don’t want to wake your mom.” He slapped his leg, letting out a soft whistle, and the dogs jumped off the bed, following him downstairs.
THE DOGS CAME along for their adventure. As they sifted through the woodpile, Doc pointed out the boards that were warped or not suitable for building and explained why, teaching Lucas as his father and grandfather had taught him. Lucas asked a dozen questions about how they were going to build the swings, how long it would take, and how Doc learned to build in the first place. As Doc shared stories of his youth, telling Lucas about his father and grandfather teaching him how to build, how to care for the animals, and how to take care of the ranch, Lucas’s curiosity turned to enthusiasm, and that enthusiasm was contagious. Doc felt lighter and less stressed with every story he shared, weaving humor into them to see his boy smile.
Before they knew it, the wood was chosen and stacked neatly in the workshop, ready for them to begin their project. They couldn’t yet, since Lucas had to go to school, but they headed back to the house in higher spirits. Doc wondered if his father had known Lucas wasn’t the only one who needed a purpose beyond the norm, but just as the thought hit, he realized the answer.
Tiny had always known exactly what he and his siblings had needed. Doc hoped, in time, he’d learn to have Lucas’s back in that way, too.
“Can you pick me up after school today?” Lucas asked. “We can tell Mom we’re going driving and get started on the swing.”
“I’m glad you’re excited, but I don’t want to lie to her, even about this.”
“Then we can tell her the truth without revealing the secret.”
Doc arched a brow. “How are we going to do that?”
“If we say we’re going driving, it’s the truth if you let me drive. And we can tell her we’re working on a secret project together. That’s not a lie.”
“That’s not a bad idea. She’d probably enjoy a little time alone tonight.”
“And we can pick up dinner on the way home, so she doesn’t have to worry about cooking.”
“You sneaky boy. That’s a great idea.”
Lucas grinned. “Cool.”
“You do realize that you’ve shown your hand, right?”
“What do you mean?”
“Now that I know you’re sneaky, I’m going to have to read between the lines when you get your license and want to take the car out for a spin. I can’t have you saying you’re going for a ride, then taking your girl parking.”
Lucas rolled his eyes. “Kids don’t go parking anymore.”
“Better brush up on your poker face,” he said as the house came into view. Juliette was sitting on the front step, holding a coffee mug. “Your mother and I can spot that lie a mile away.”
Lucas’s boyish grin returned.
Juliette pushed to her feet, looking too damn beautiful in curve-hugging jeans and a red flannel shirt over a clingy white top that accentuated her gorgeous figure. The dogs ran to greet her. She bent to pet them, smiling at Lucas and Doc. “Where did you two sneak off to?”
“Nowhere,” Lucas said with a guilty grin that made him look like he got caught with his hand in a cookie jar.
“I’ve got a project I needed some help with, so I got him up early and dragged his ass out with me.”
“Oh? What kind of project?”
“Woodworking,” Lucas said. “It’s super boring, but Doc said he’ll show me how to build stuff if I help.”
She looked at Doc approvingly. “That’s great.”
“Doc said if I help him with the project for an hour after school, he’d take me driving. Is that okay?” Lucas asked.
“We’ll pick up dinner afterward, and you can have the evening to chill,” Doc offered.
“This project sounds better by the minute,” she said. “But, Seeley, are you sure you can get away?”
“Barring any emergencies, it should be fine.”
“Okay, sure.”
“ Yes! I’m starved. I’m gonna go eat before we leave for school.” He and the dogs bounded up the porch steps and into the house.
Doc swept his arm around Juliette, tugging her into a hug. “Good morning, beautiful.”
“He’s been so grumpy and quiet lately. What kind of spell did you cast on him this morning?”
“He’s a teenager who just had his legs kicked out from under him. I gave him a distraction to focus on. It was Tiny’s idea, actually.”
“Remind me to thank him.” She wound her arms around his neck and said, “I’ll thank you properly later tonight.”
As he lowered his lips toward hers, he said, “I’m holding you to that promise, darlin’.”