34. Haelyn
THIRTY-FOUR
HAELYN
It was the third day I spent in Tristan’s apartment and while a voice inside me told me to get the fuck out of here, I couldn’t listen to it. Not when I woke up every morning with kisses on my neck and tight hugs and then breakfast in bed. Not when he carried me to the shower after we got lost in each other’s bodies. Not when he watched all the John Wick movies with me, even if I could tell he didn’t like them. Not when we went to work together every day and he came to my office, making sure I ate little by little as long as it meant I had food in my stomach. Not when he was so careful and didn’t insist on the matters I didn’t want to talk about. Not when he drove me to my mom every single day without a single complaint.
He watched me talk to her, desperate to get an answer even if I knew that was impossible. I just needed a sign—something to make things a bit easier.
Tristan was patient, and every time I cried he was there to offer me a shoulder.
The old me would’ve said everything was too good to be true between us and for once in my life, I wanted to enjoy what was given to me without creating thousands of scenarios of the way it could go wrong.
I chose to believe I deserved the good things that were happening to me.
My feet curled under his sheets and I dragged them under my chin, looking at the ceiling. They smelled like him, like us. It wasn’t right to feel so comfortable in the bed of the one person that should’ve been off limits, yet here I was, my limbs relaxed and the feeling of safety settling on my chest.
The shower ran in the other room, and I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply.
I couldn’t believe I’d done that. I slept multiple times with my boss—my infuriating, cold, self-centered boss—and strangely… I didn’t regret it one bit. And over that, I was practically living in his house for the past few days.
Something about that made it crystal clear to me that I couldn’t keep the chat with Chad open like an escape hatch. It was like I was waiting for Tristan to fail and I refused to attract that type of negativity upon myself.
Plus, I completely forgot about Chad since our trip and since he hadn’t texted me, he might’ve too. For some reason, the thought didn’t upset me at all.
If I thought about it, Chad wasn’t something long-term either.
A friend to tell your day about? Definitely.
Some sexting now and then? Maybe.
But a boyfriend? A husband? No. Not a chance and we both knew that. Yet I hung on to him as if he was my only salvation for my desperate urge to find someone. That wasn’t right—holding onto someone just to make a silly wish come true. It was the same thing I did with Merielle.
Maybe I was meant to die alone for my sins. For not getting Nash back.
No. Stop thinking that way.
I bit my bottom lip, then stretched to the side to grab my phone from the nightstand. I kept it between my fingers with the screen turned off, unsure of my decision. As much as I was hesitating, I knew deep down it was the best thing to do.
After all, I just spent several nights in someone’s bed who made my heart beat ten times faster when he was in a room. Someone who sees me the way I am. Someone who won’t make me feel ashamed about my problems. Someone who makes my thighs lock together with a mere glance.
The only issue was that he wasn’t the right person. He wasn’t, right?
Tonight was supposed to make things clear, but I found myself in a fog trying to figure out my feelings for him. It was obvious we didn’t need to fuck each other out of our system, so where did that leave us?
I was at war with my mind and my body.
My body vibrated in pleasure at the thought of him being alone in the shower where I could go whenever I wanted to create a remake of last night. It heated under his stare, his touch, and it purred in the morning when it woke up under his big and strong arms. It felt like a traitor, not wanting to move from his hold and pretending to be asleep just to get more of him.
My mind on the other hand though, screamed, fought and sent red signals that I was stepping into a dangerous zone. That what was happening was impossible to revert if things went the wrong way. That I could lose my job. That I could break the two of us.
My body and my mind weren’t on good terms at the time. They simply fought which only made it harder for me to acknowledge my true feelings.
Was I afraid of losing him? Or was I afraid that I was still miles away from finding that person?
In a situation like this, it was very easy to confuse feelings. So I needed to sort my shit out before giving Tristan a reply.
And it started with Chad. If I wanted to be fair with myself and also with Tristan, I had to cut all ties with him, and then tell Tristan about it.
I took a deep breath and opened the app, my finger lingering on the X button. I didn’t know why I hesitated. After all, Chad admitted he couldn’t be the one I was looking for and while I wasn’t certain to this day what that meant, I had to admit we didn’t have a future.
Mom and Dad met on a dating app? Yeah. It was bullshit.
Me
Thank you for your friendship. You’re a really nice guy and I hope you find the right person one day. Be safe.
With that last message, I pressed the closing button and a window popped up. It read ‘Are you sure you want to close the conversation? You won’t be able to restore it.’ and I clicked yes.
The screen moved back to where I started, showing me available matches. I put my phone back on the nightstand, but then Tristan’s phone buzzed right next to it. The logo got my attention.
I didn’t know Unlock was such a popular app. Before David told me about it, I’d never heard of it. But maybe for someone like Tristan who probably had multiple hookups in a week—not with his assistants because he made himself pretty clear—it was a must.
My lips pursed and I intertwined my fingers with each other, moving my feet from side to side under the sheet.
No, I wasn’t going to look into his phone after a few nights together.
I bit my bottom lip. Shit.
I grabbed the phone in a hurry, expecting to find a conversation with a woman where they flirted and they eventually met, but the last thing I expected to see was the notification at the top.
No.
That couldn’t be true.
I blinked and the notification remained there.
My palm covered my mouth as a silent gasp slipped by. My stupid body still trusted him because my head shook in denial when the proof was right in front of me.
From the warmth I felt two seconds ago at the thought of him, now my blood was running cold in my veins, heaviness expanding in my core.
I blinked and blinked when the dizziness fell over me. I was instantly sick, my eyes looking for the closest spot to puke.
How could I be so naive and believe I got through the walls of the cold Tristan Graves? That I somehow slipped past his mask and got to know the real him?
He was a good actor, hence the false name he used on the app.
Chad Bitt wasn’t real—at least not the one I knew—it was just a cover-up for Tristan’s twisted mind.
Tristan played me like a puppet and I danced as his fingers sang.
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.
Why would he do that? What did I do to him to do something like this?
My mind suddenly started displaying memories, making things click.
He… The CVs, the interview, the job, everything was planned since the first moment we talked. What exactly was he following by setting me a trap and feeding me a false reality?
My chest tightened and I put a palm over it, hoping to dim the ache. I was out of breath, my eyes roaming over the text once again.
‘Notification from Unlock: Haelyn Ross closed the chat. Tap to see other matches.’
Tears burned in the back of my eyes, anger boiling in my veins in a path to my shattered heart. Why was I feeling betrayed when he was never anything more than a boss to me? How could I believe even for a second that I could’ve been more to him?
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
With the tears running down my cheeks and my vision blurred, I threw the sheets off me and picked up my clothes from the floor, one by one. I sniffled, trying to keep silent as I went back, grabbed his phone, and burst into his bathroom.
He was just tying a towel over his abdomen and his eyes shot up to me. Tristan was wearing a cocky smile, but it wiped off real quick when he took in my expression.
Maybe I was making a fool of myself for showing up so vulnerable in front of him—eyes bloodshot, chest heaving, and fingers clutching onto his phone until they turned white—but I couldn’t care less.
“I trusted you,” I whispered in a cry, my thoughts speaking for me. Until this moment, I didn’t even realize I trusted him.
He frowned, then glanced at the phone I had clutched at my chest, awareness settling in his eyes. I was surprised it didn’t shatter from how hard I was holding it.
I was watching him through a blurred sheet of my tears and no matter how many times I blinked to push it away, it stayed there. I couldn’t understand the pain violently forcing its way into my chest, but it hurt so bad I couldn’t even form proper words.
“You—I,” I breathed out, my palms shaking.
Tristan stepped closer, swallowing. He was being careful. Maybe he was afraid I was going to lash out at him or strangle him. While it was something that entertained my mind, I was too busy trying to not fall on my knees.
Why was I so affected?
“Haelyn.” He tried to talk, his hands coming toward me.
I instantly took a step back, placing my palm in front of him. I couldn’t look at him anymore.
“I was going to tell you.” He tried to excuse himself.
“When?!” I snapped, throwing my hands over my body. “This doesn’t make things right. You should’ve used your real name from the start, so the ‘I was going to tell you’ means shit to me.” I didn’t know how I managed to explode that way when every fiber of my body shook. “You had something in mind but I can’t figure out what it is. You slept with me which I thought was your ultimate goal, so why the fuck am I here? Why did you ask me to stay? Why did you do sweet things for me if you were lying all the time?”
“Haelyn.” He tried to step closer once again, but this time I put my chest forward. “Everything I said about how I feel about you is true, I never lied about my feelings for you.”
I laughed, throwing my head back. I didn’t find it funny, but disturbing. “Feelings for me? Is that what you do when you have feelings for someone? Fool them into thinking you’re someone you’re not and lie to them until you get caught? Because to me, it seems like that was your plan. What I don’t understand, though, is what you got from this? Some kind of twisted satisfaction or what?”
Tristan’s jaw twitched as if it was about to pop out at any second. Was he mad he got caught? For how long did he think this was going to go? Did he really think I was never going to find out?
For fuck’s sake, I didn’t even try and still discovered his sick game.
“I wanted to tell you so many times, you have to believe me,” he begged. “I knew I should’ve told you the moment you stepped in my office, but I was too much of a coward. I didn’t want to lose you.”
Anger swam in my veins. “You didn’t want to lose me when you didn’t even have me, but now, after you had me, you lost me.”
“Haelyn, please,” he tried again, but I shook my head. I wanted out of here as fast as possible. I tried to turn around, but he grabbed a hold of my arm. “Do you want me to beg? To get down on my knees?” He didn’t even finish his sentence and he dropped to his knees at my legs. “I’m fucking sorry.”
For a moment, my chest hurt for him and the pain in his eyes. But as much as I wanted to believe him, I just had the proof of what good of an actor he was. I wasn’t going to let myself get played again.
“You and I”—I gestured at us—“Or whatever this thing between us was, is over.”
With those last words I walked away. He was still on his knees, begging a shadow for forgiveness.
My chest hitched as I choked down a sob, the ache in my head pounding like an angry drum in my ears. I had cold tears running down my cheeks and the only time I stopped walking was when I got inside my apartment.
I dropped on the couch, then hugged myself, my limbs ready to give up.
It wasn’t fair to be this affected by what Tristan has done to me. I thought I wasn’t expecting anything from him, that I didn’t trust him, and that I wasn’t going to ever feel betrayed by him no matter what he did. Yet here I was, my heart shattered at the tip of my toes.
He reassured me, struggled to make me happy, and I, like an idiot, believed every single word that came out of his mouth.
What happened was my punishment for daring to believe I could be happy when my mom was in a battle between life and death.
How could I let myself get attached to him? How could I be such a fool?
Tristan knew who I was the moment I stepped inside his office since he planned all of this all along. He acted with rough edges and uninterested, playing the role of my boss in reality, and through messages, he made himself my friend, a confidant, then let me think there could be more for us.
He played with me and when that wasn’t enough, he decided to send me mixed signals in person as well, just to see if I would give in.
And I fucking did.
Why couldn't I enjoy my moments of silence and peace? Why did something have to happen every time I felt a sense of calm? Was I not worthy of living a happy life?
I cried and cried until my pillow was wet with tears. I needed my friend now more than ever, but I couldn’t do that to her. If I called her right now to tell her what happened, she was going to be at my door before I knew it.
I smiled at the thought of her.
Merielle was my family and I knew we were going to get through this. I knew she and David were going to get back together and that we were going to learn how to make a trio work.
She was sensitive and cared about the people around her and I knew now that by pushing David aside, she tried to prove to me that nothing in our relationship had changed.
But it had. We grew closer than ever and most of the time David was the reason for that. He knew how to be a good boyfriend and not distance her from her friends and offered her space when she needed it.
I had to stop demanding her attention nonstop, I knew that. But what could I do when I needed her like I needed air and I couldn’t reach her?
I gulped. I was used to getting through tough stuff alone, it wasn’t the first time.
So I got my remote and went to play John Wick movies when I suddenly burst into tears. Now I couldn’t even watch my comfort movies because of that asshole.
Shit, he didn’t even like them.