35. Haelyn
THIRTY-FIVE
HAELYN
I couldn’t sleep all night, mostly because of how puffy my eyes were from the river of tears I shed and the constant headache that didn’t go away no matter how many pills I popped into my mouth.
When the clock hit six a.m., I found myself unsure what to do. I had work today and even though every bone in my body wanted nothing more than to be laying down in bed all day, I wanted to prove to him I wasn’t a mess. I wanted to show up there with my chin lifted and look like he was nothing to me anymore.
So I got up, dressed as nicely as possible, and hid my eyebags with a soft touch of make-up. I didn’t wear makeup and doing it now might just reveal the sleepless night I had, but I doubted he’d notice I had a faint trace of concealer and mascara on.
Before I left my apartment, I checked my messages to see if Merielle texted me. She hadn’t, but I knew she needed me.
I rang her number with the intention of letting her know I’m keeping my promise to be there for her, despite the circumstances.
She picked up after the second ring. “Hi, Hae,” Merielle said out of breath.
“Hi.” I smiled at the sound of her voice. Even if she didn’t know what happened and wasn’t going to know anytime soon, hearing her voice smoothed the pain in my chest a bit. “How are you two holding up?”
“Um,” she started. “We are at David’s parents since he didn’t want to come back home for his recovery.”
I nodded. “You okay?”
“I just wish… he’d come home, you know? I want to take care of him, but he won’t let me. So I’m just sticking around, ready for when he wants me.” Her voice broke, and my shoulders slumped.
“Be there for him and he’ll eventually see how much he means to you. I promise,” I said, counting on the fact that David loves her more than anyone in the world.
“Thank you, Hae.”
“Anytime.”
And I meant it. We might’ve not been in the best situation, but she was still my best friend and I had to look out for her. The same that she did for me every time I needed her.
“I have to go. His mom is giving him his medication and maybe he’ll let me come in when she’s around.”
My chest heaved. It hurt to know the only way they’d talk to each other was around his mother or a member of his family.
“Take care. I love you,” I told her.
“I love you too.”
I knew she meant it, but I couldn’t pass the sadness in her voice.
“Thank you. I’ll be there on Monday with my final decision,” I spoke into the speaker, the phone tucked between my shoulder and ear as I opened the door to my office, and then the call ended.
I talked to them as if I already made a choice I came to terms with, when in reality, I had no idea what I was going to do. Maybe the best thing for me was to decide on the spot. Maybe when I was going to see her, I was going to know what I had to do. If not…
Well… I had to ask for more time.
My decision wasn’t an easy one. It wasn’t like I had to choose what flavor of ice cream I wanted. No. I had to figure out the best option for my mother and not for me.
Because if I were to think about me when I made my choice, I was going to keep her alive. There was no way I was going to lose my last living family member.
But then, was that the life she wanted? Did she want to live tied to a bed?
“Was that about your mother?” a voice asked from behind me the moment I stepped inside.
All hairs on my body stood up in recognition and I tensed, fisting my hands. My breath caught in my throat and I gulped, trying to come back to my senses. Even my stupid heart started running a marathon, just because of the burning presence of him behind me and I hated myself for it.
After all he’d done, my body was still so responsive to him. It was like muscle memory. In the few days we spent together, he reset my entire system, making it work by his own new rules and settings.
I managed to avoid him for three full days by coming to work at six a.m.—two hours early, locking myself in my office, and turning off the transparency option. We only communicated via email since after the dozens of missed calls and messages, I blocked him everywhere. He tried to talk to me there as well, but I always sped-read what he had to say and ignored it if it wasn’t work-related.
I’m sorry.
Hurting you wasn’t my intention.
I was going to tell you.
I deserve it all.
I can’t respect your decision and stay away from you, I’m trying.
Please hear me out.
It was all real, Haelyn.
Those were a couple of the things he said that I caught and as much as I wanted to believe him, no matter what his intentions were, he proved something else with his actions. I was never going to let myself get close to that man ever again even though every cell in my body told me otherwise.
The last thing I needed was a broken heart with everything going on, and yet here I was. I fell for my boss and now I had to pick up the pieces he left behind while my entire world is crumbling around me.
I turned on my toes, not bothering to hide my displeasure. “Everything will be ready for tomorrow in a few hours,” I referred to the Gorig project.
Then I’m about to hand you my resignation , is what I didn’t say.
I was waiting to get my paycheck and do my part in the Gorig partnership as promised before I was going to leave this place for good, though he didn’t deserve my kindness at all. As soon as the meeting tomorrow was done, Tristan Graves was never going to see my face again.
“That’s not what I asked,” he pushed, his jaw twitching as he rearranged the suit on his body. His eyes softened on me and he dared to take a step forward.
My chest pushed forward as I held my ground, giving him a defining look. “If it isn’t work-related, then it’s none of your business. Have a great day, Mr. Graves.” I didn’t get to fully whirl on my toes when a hand circled around my elbow.
I stilled, the skin burning where he touched it. I ignored it and acted as if I wasn’t affected by him and snatched my arm from his hold.
“Please, let me explain at least,” he said in a tired tone which I picked up as almost giving up.
“It’s too late for that.” I looked sideways, biting my bottom lip.
He didn’t listen and came closer to me. “I thought we were going to grow apart two days after we started talking and I never meant to get close to you in person,” he continued, then I felt his chest against my back. I sucked in a deep breath, closing my eyes. “But I couldn’t help it and you wouldn’t let me cross your boundaries as your boss, so I did my best to know you as Chad. Believe it or not, I was fucking jealous of him,” he continued in a whisper.
Damn him for making my knees go weak.
“Of the way he got your attention, your secrets, your honest thoughts. He knew the true you while you barely threw me a glance.” Fortunately for me, he didn’t touch me, but kept talking as his breath brushed upon the back of my neck. “I didn’t expect you to make my day better with a simple ‘good morning’ text or make me feel seen after so long. You are the first person I ever let my guard down and I might sound like a fucking coward, but I was scared knowing I couldn’t be as transparent face to face. I wasn’t made for that type of shit, Haelyn, so I kept pretending so I could get more of what you made me feel. I offered you an interview because I wanted to help you, but also because I wanted to convince myself you weren’t as perfect as I pictured you in my mind. Imagine the shock when I saw a beautiful, determined, and strong woman. I knew I couldn’t let you go, and for the first time since I met you, I can admit to you and myself that you made me obsessed.”
His words were feeding the hope inside me, my chest growing at the sincerity in his voice. As much as I liked hearing him say that, it wasn’t enough. Maybe he really did feel bad about what he did, maybe he regretted it and wished he had never done it or even gone back in time and fixed things.
The fact that he lied to me and manipulated me, are things I couldn’t get over that easily. I couldn’t just close my eyes and act like everything was okay.
Because his words didn’t change his choices. The choices of a person reflect their true self more than their actions and feelings afterward. And Tristan showed me his true colors.
“Haelyn,” he urged when I didn’t look at him. “You were never a game to me. Not even at first.”
I opened my eyes, struggling to regain my shield against him. I couldn’t unfold now because of what he said. Apologies mattered for people like him until he was forgiven, then he was going to forget his mistakes and do it all over again.
“Would that be all, Mr. Graves?” I asked, glancing at him over my shoulder.
Tristan took a step back, threaded a hand through his hair then nodded his head. He avoided my eyes the same way I did when he stepped into the office and took a deep breath before talking.
He was defeated, I could see it in the way he couldn’t find the right place to put his hands or the softened and tired look on his face. I should’ve been glad, but it didn’t make me feel better that he was like this.
“Yes. I wished you’d forgive me, but I understand if you can’t,” he murmured. “I do hope you find the best decision for your mother and even if I don’t know much about what it’s like to be in your situation, my father was sick my entire life. A few months ago, he’d had enough and stopped taking his pills.” I heard him gulp before he continued. “He ended his life because he thought of himself as a burden to us. When you go there on Monday, think if your mother could live with the thought of you taking care of her for the rest of her life.”
He lingered behind me for a few more seconds before his steps echoed in the hallway and the sound of his door reached my ears.
I didn’t move from my place, my eyes welling with tears.
When I learned his father died, I never dared to ask why, thinking it was a sensitive reason. It turned out I was right, but I wish I wasn’t. Losing a member of your family like that was a terrible thing and I couldn’t even begin to imagine the grief he must’ve endured.
My heart ached for him and I raised a fist to my chest, pressing on that stubborn beating organ. It wasn’t right to feel sympathy for him in that situation, yet I did.
I shed tears for him that day. For the man who lost his father. But I didn’t forgive him. I couldn’t.
Instead, I repeated his words over and over again and found myself with a clear decision in mind. I knew what I was going to do on Monday.