25. Naya
TWENTY-FIVE
NAYA
I was furious with myself for allowing Amias to get close to me. I knew this is what would happen. He'd blame me for how I was being treated. Like it was my fault.
As soon as we were in the Range Rover, I let loose of my heartache.
"Have you ever asked Nolan why he uses his sister? Ever asked him, hey, how come your sister had to move across the country to take care of your father? Ever asked him, hey, why isn't your sister here for a party? He's your friend."
Amias had the decency to look uncomfortable.
"How come you didn't tell Ann to shut up when she insinuated I was Magnus's babysitter, and Darren had to step in to do that?"
"Naya—"
"I did what I could to take care of people around me.
It's not my fault my brother is a douchebag.
He's still my brother. I can't help it that my sister-in-law is a moron chasing after being another version of Ann so she and her husband can fit into the elite society you're from.
I'm not allowing anyone to use me; I'm choosing to be there for my nephew. I chose to be there for my father."
I was livid and couldn't seem to be able to keep my voice down. This hadn't happened since the accident when I used to get angry about how my life was ruined. I'd learned to keep my emotions in check but apparently, my buttons were pushed.
"And how is it my fault that my brother refuses to help with my father's medical bills?
What am I supposed to do? How was I supposed to know that Nolan asked my father to mortgage his house which was paid for, so he didn't have to take a loan out for his MBA?
I went to a state school because Nolan got to live his MIT and Harvard Business School dreams. How is that my fault? "
I crossed my arms and closed my eyes, feeling everything inside me scorch like I was once again trapped in a burning car, only this time, my heart was hurting as well as my body.
Amias hauled me over the console of the Range Rover while I spluttered angrily and settled me to straddle him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered as he hugged me.
"This is not comfortable." I tried to push him away, still furious with him, but he wouldn't let me go.
"I'm so sorry."
"You're just like him, you know. You ignored me and treated me so badly at work that Ethan had to run interference for me. Why did you do that? What had I ever done to you?" I was yelling again. I had no idea that I even had a dam that had suddenly burst, causing all my feelings to pour out.
"Naya, I'm so fucking sorry." He let me lean back against the steering wheel as he pushed buttons to move back his seat, so we had enough room for me to sit comfortably on top of him.
"Why did you do it?"
"Being irritated with you was a habit. A bad one. I'd been doing it for years because your open adoration made me uncomfortable."
"Why weren't you flattered instead?" I thumped him hard on his chest with a fist.
He captured my fist and brought it to his lips. He kissed my hand. The hand that had hurt him…or maybe not because he hadn't even winced while I'd used some force.
"Because Amias Westbrook would never be interested in a mousy girl whose eyes were always downcast. Because Amias Westbrook was too arrogant and self-involved to get to know the sweet girl who looked at him like he hung the moon. Because Amias Westbrook was a jackass."
He kissed my lips softly, coaxing me to open my mouth and let him in. I did, and he lingered just long enough to make me want more.
"Which Amias Westbrook am I with today?" I asked petulantly.
"The one who loves it that you got angry with me to speak your mind. The one who loves how a sleigh ride makes you so happy because it's time spent with me. The one who absolutely loves your cooking. That Yule log was something else, baby. The one who wants to make love with you."
So, that took all the air out of my temper balloon. I rested my forehead against his.
"I'm never like this. You're pushing buttons I didn't even know I had, Amias," I admitted.
"You're doing the same for me. You're evoking emotions I didn't think I was capable of feeling. You're making me want things I've never dreamed about. Can you leave the past behind and allow yourself to get to know me? Give me the pleasure of getting to know you?"
"And you really don't find my scars hideous?" How could he not?
I felt a smack on my ass, a hard one. "What was that?" I choked out.
"You call those scars anything but what they are—a testament to your strength, I will spank you. The more you do it, the harder I'll tan your ass."
I should've been scandalized. Offended. I was a grown woman. No one spanked me. Who the fuck did Amias Westbrook think he was?
"Any other reason you'd spank me?" I purred instead, because the smack on my ass had also aroused me.
He squeezed my ass. "Darling, Naya, I'll give you all the reasons you need to piss me off, so I can redden your ass so hard you won't be able to sit without thinking about me."
I squirmed on top of him.
"That excites you?" he asked, his hands now caressing my ass, my back.
"I think so."
He kissed me again, and his hands were under my sweater, cupping my breasts. I whimpered, and right then, we heard the sounds of kids.
I scrambled off of him and almost fell on the passenger side. We were in the parking lot of a farm where families were driving in and out on Christmas F’ing Day and I was making out on the front seat. I was losing my mind with this man.
"God, I'm mortified."
Amias laughed. "Come on, Miss Mortification, let's go eat an early dinner so I can mortify you some more."
He drove us to a gorgeous little inn nearby, and we ate by the light of a crackling fire.
"To our first Christmas." Amias raised his glass.
He was saying first like there would be many more. I couldn't hope. I didn't dare to hope.
"Merry Christmas, Amias." I clinked my glass with his.
"I was wondering," Amias began and then winked at me, "how about we spend the night here and not drive back to Boston?"
The Inn was beautiful, and I had thought it would be lovely to stay.
As we had driven here, I thought it looked like a scene from a storybook, its windows aglow with soft, inviting light that pierced the early evening gloom. Nestled amidst a blanket of snow, it promised warmth and an old-world charm that piqued my curiosity and excitement.
Stepping inside, we were greeted by the gentle hum of conversation from the main parlor, where a fire crackled merrily in the hearth. The aroma of mulled wine and freshly baked bread filled the air, enveloping us in a sense of immediate comfort and welcome.
"Ah…but we don't have a…we didn't pack anything."
"I always have an overnight bag in the car, so I can make sure you have a toothbrush."
"Clothes?"
"You don't need them tonight," he smirked.
I felt heat rise through me. "You want us to…ah…stay the night here and…?"
"Yeah. But we don't have to, Naya."
I let out a long breath. "I want to. I…do. But I have a request."
"Tell me."
"Can we not have the lights on?" I closed my eyes when I said it. I was scared that in the middle of lovemaking, he'd bolt.
"No."
"Amias," I protested.
"Until you agree to having the lights on, I'm not putting out."
I laughed; I couldn't help it. "I've seen the women you date. And none of them have?—"
"Shut up, Naya, and finish your chocolate cake. I'll be right back."
Our suite, a beautifully appointed room that melded rustic charm with understated elegance. I wanted to ask him how much it cost because god knew I didn't have the money to afford such luxuries, not until I was out from under the crippling mountain of medical debt.
"Don't say it," he remarked as he put his overnight leather bag on a chair.
"Say what?" I asked, confused.
"I know what you're thinking."
I narrowed my eyes. "Oh, you're a mind reader now?"
I didn't know where this sassy woman was coming from, but here she was.
It wasn't like I hadn't met this Naya before.
I had very close friends like Darren and a few others when I was in high school with whom I had been open.
But Amias and I had not known each other very long, and I was surprised with myself.
"I can afford the suite, and we won't be talking about money," he said calmly.
What the…? How did he know what I was thinking?
"I'm not like your other girlfriends. I don't want you spending money on me."
He grinned. "So, you're a girlfriend now? How presumptuous of you?"
I slapped my hand on my mouth in shock. I couldn't believe I'd just said that. I wasn't his girlfriend or anything. I was just trying to lose my virginity…right?
He gave me a hug and held me. "Sweetheart, I'd like to have a relationship where we don't talk about money. Please? I'm so fucking tired of it."
The pleading in his voice made me relax.
"And, yeah, we're doing this. We're trying to have a relationship. We like each other. We have fun. I want to fuck your brains out. So, let's just call me your boyfriend and be done with it." he continued.
I burrowed into him. I was going to get seriously hurt, but the temptation of being intimate with Amias was too much for me to resist. My desire for him was bigger than my fear. This was the man I'd been lusting after since I turned sixteen. It was like having sex with your celebrity crush.
He kissed my forehead and took the overnight bag into the bathroom.
I looked around the suite, which was a haven of warmth, its walls painted in soft, earthy tones that complemented the rich wooden beams overhead.
A large, wrought-iron bed dominated the space, its fluffy down comforter and pile of pillows inviting us to sink into its depths.
Beside it, a small, crackling fireplace added to the room's cozy ambiance, casting flickering shadows across the antique furnishings that adorned the space.
What truly caught my breath, however, was the attention to detail—the way the curtains draped just so, the vintage lamps that offered a soft glow, and the small vase of fresh winter flowers on the bedside table, their colors a delicate contrast to the snow outside.
It felt as if I had stepped into a different time, one that moved slower, allowing for moments to be savored and cherished.
I removed my boots and sat down on the couch in front of the fireplace. My apartment didn't have one. My father's house had, but there was something wrong with the chimney, so we never used it.
I tucked my feet under me and just let go of everything inside my head. The worries, the fears, the insecurities. I'd give them all up for a night where I could be who I thought I would be, who I would’ve been before the accident upended my life.
Amias was right. I had never looked at my scars as a badge of honor.
Maybe I should. I'd lived through painful skin graft and surgery.
I'd gone through months of physiotherapy.
I'd disciplined my body with Krav Maga to make it strong.
I'd gone to university, gotten a degree, and built a decent career.
After Amias and I ended, I promised myself I wouldn't shut myself off as I had last time.
I'd go on dates. Men who had a problem with my journey wouldn't be missed.
If there was someone like Amias who truly wasn't repulsed by my skin, maybe there would be others.
Maybe…I could meet someone with whom I could have children and build a life.
But I wouldn't worry about that now. I would enjoy my time with Amias, however fleeting it might be. I'd embrace it head-on. I deserved it. I'd earned it.
"And what are you thinking now?" Amias asked as I watched the flames.
I held my hand out to him. "I was thinking that I want to enjoy my time here with you."
He took my hand and kissed it once he sat next to me. He smiled at me. "You like the fireplace?"
"Yeah. I don't have one. I like it."
"I have a few in my apartment. We'll make sure you have a lot of face time with them."
Yeah, right, like we'd last long enough for me to enjoy his apartment.
No, no, Naya, no negativity. Live in the moment. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not here. Right now, that is all there is.
He nuzzled my neck, slowly kissing up until he came to my jaw and then proceeded to my mouth. "I've never made love with a virgin," he admitted.
"I can't help you with that. I've never had sex, period."
Something darkened in his eyes, and his jaw tightened. Did he mind that I was inexperienced? He must. He was used to women like Ann, who probably knew how to take what she wanted in bed and give what her lover demanded.
I'd thought a lot about blowjobs and if I could give one. It looked easy enough, but somehow, I was certain it only looked like that because the women on Pornhub had probably done it for ten thousand hours and become experts.
"Where's your head at now?" Amias demanded.
"Do you mind that I won't know what I'm doing?"
He chuckled. "I like how candid you are."
"I'm usually not."
"I know, but now you’re treating me like I think you treat Darren and probably how you treated your father; you feel safe. I'm glad I make you feel safe."
I wish I could tell him that he more than anyone in my life was the one I feared the most because he could hurt me.
It would devastate me if I lost Darren, but I'd survive.
I had managed to get through my father's death. But losing Amias would hurt. I knew that when I cried into a bottle of Chenin Blanc on a Friday night while Amias was with some woman, I’d have no one to blame but myself.