Chapter Thirty-Two October 27
Chapter Thirty-Two
Greg peered into the oven through the smoked glass door. “How much longer?”
Joshua laughed. “It doesn’t matter, because you’re not getting any until dinner time, and that won’t be until Alex gets here.”
Micah looked up from his task of peeling the potatoes, and snickered. “Doesn’t seem like five minutes since you made your first meatloaf, but we’ve eaten it a ton of times since.”
“Yeah, but at least these days I remember to add the garlic before I shove it in the oven.”
Greg sat at the table next to Micah. “Did Alex say when he’d be here?”
Joshua shook his head. Alex had called late the previous night, to say he’d arrived home. He’d spent Thursday night in a hotel in Washington. “But he knows by now what time we eat.”
“I tried to spot him in the congregation, but there were way too many people.” Micah sighed. “I wonder what it felt like to be there. It choked me up just watching it on TV.”
Greg cocked his head to one side. “I think he’s here.”
“Then make yourself useful and get the green beans ready.” Joshua walked through the house to the front door. Alex was just locking his car. He gave Joshua a tired smile as he approached the house, stepping carefully along the path which Micah had scraped clear of the snow.
“Hey. Looks like you had about four inches while I was gone.” To Joshua’s surprise, Alex got inside the house and immediately enfolded him in a hug.
Joshua was overcome briefly by the unexpected display of affection, but recovered quickly to return it, wrapping his arms around Alex.
For a moment, neither of them moved, until Alex broke the embrace.
“Good to see you too,” Joshua murmured. He helped Alex out of his thick jacket, and hung it on a hook by the door. “The meatloaf is virtually done, and the boys are preparing the vegetables.”
Alex sniffed the air. “Don’t laugh, but I’ve been looking forward to your meatloaf all day.” He led the way into the kitchen, Joshua behind him.
Joshua loved how Micah and Greg greeted him with hugs, before Micah gave him the choice of coffee or red wine.
Alex grinned. “Wine. I’ve been looking forward to that, too.” He sat at the table beside Greg, while Micah filled a glass for him. Alex took it with a grateful glance and sipped a little of the wine. “Joshua said you watched yesterday.”
Greg nodded. “The whole thing. I tell you what, it’s a good thing Micah didn’t go there. We were both crying. Heaven knows what we would have been like if we’d been at the service.”
“You’d have been in good company,” Alex told him. “People cried there too. Me included.”
“It looked like it was a very moving ceremony.” Joshua joined them at the table. “And so many people.”
“Yeah. There had to be over two thousand. And yet… it was so quiet. When the choirs sang, the music seemed to fill the air, but when the bishop was speaking…” Alex sighed. “I lost it when he said, ‘Welcome home, Matt.’”
“That bishop talked about the cathedral being a home safe from haters,” Greg said quietly. “That’s what kills me about this whole thing. His parents kept his ashes at home, because they knew wherever they ended up, someone would protest or do worse. Twenty years, and he’s finally laid to rest.”
Alex squeezed Greg’s shoulder. “In a place Matt would have loved.”
“Are you glad you went there?” Micah asked him.
Alex leaned back in his chair. “Glad? No. Grateful would be a better word. It opened my eyes to a few things.” He smiled. “And right now, I’d be grateful for some of your dad’s meatloaf. I’m starving.”
“Give us fifteen minutes to cook the beans and the potatoes,” Joshua told him. Alex seemed subdued, which was to be expected after attending such an event. “After dinner, we’ll put on a movie.”
“Sounds good.” Alex got to his feet. “How about I light a fire?”
“Sure. You know where everything is.”
Alex smiled. “I ought to by now.” He left the room.
“Is he okay?” Greg stared after him.
Joshua was asking himself the same question.
~ 0 ~
Alex sat in the armchair by the fire, holding out his hands to the heat, his thoughts still focused on the previous day’s service.
What stuck in his memory were the gay couples around him, all shapes and sizes.
Some held hands, while others sat with an arm around their partner, in a space which had been described as safe, welcoming, one of acceptance.
This is what we are fighting for. A world where all people felt safe. Where all people felt unafraid to love the partner of their choice.
Partner… That was what Alex wanted.
Alex put his head in his hands. The last few weeks had seen little change in his relationship with Joshua, but that was hardly surprising. Manda was right, of course. Nothing would change, until he let Joshua in.
But I’ve been there. I gave my heart, and got it stomped on in return. Okay, so the signs were there that Joshua was nothing like Todd, but those signs were in a battle with over two decades of loving someone, only to have that love flung back at him. No wonder I’m wary.
And yet…
Alex had gotten out of the car to find Joshua waiting for him. Any thoughts of keeping him at a distance had fled, and Alex had followed his heart, seizing him in a hug that had felt… perfect.
He’d told himself this was what he wanted, a relationship that satisfied him physically, with none of the messiness that came about when emotions got in the way.
A relationship with no complications, where neither party risked getting hurt.
After all, he wasn’t hurting Joshua, was he?
They were both getting something out of it, right? Alex was certain of that.
And in the midst of all the grief of the service, Alex’s certainty had taken a direct hit.
He’d been surrounded by the one thing his perfect, mess-free relationship didn’t provide—love.
It didn’t matter how many times he told himself that love would only hurt him in the end.
What mattered were the truths that had come to him in the stillness of the cathedral.
Love and life were intricately bound together.
A life without love was inconceivable.
He’d had someone tell him they loved him, and in the end Alex accepted that Todd couldn’t have loved him, not to treat him the way he did. Joshua hadn’t said anything about loving him, and why would he, when Alex kept pushing him away?
What if… what if I’m pushing away the only guy who might say I love you—and mean it?
“I thought you were hungry.”
Alex gave a start and straightened. “How long have I been in here?”
Joshua crouched in front of the fire. “I called you five minutes ago to say dinner was ready.” He sighed, his face lit up in the fire’s glow. “Although I think I’d rather eat in here.”
“That’s what trays are for.” He’s right here. Say something.
Joshua studied him for a moment. “Are you okay? Is it just the service?” He placed a gentle hand on Alex’s knee.
Alex covered it with his own. “I’ve been working through a few… problems, and—”
“Hey, you don’t have to explain anything, all right?” Deep brown eyes locked on his.
Warmth spread through him. “You’re a good man, Joshua Trant. And I’m damn lucky to have you as a… in my life.” A hefty dose of guilt seeped through him too. I don’t deserve you.
Joshua tilted his head to one side. “Did I almost make it into a category just then?” His lips twitched.
Alex chuckled. “Believe me, you’re in a category all of your own.
” He sighed. “Look, I know I’ve probably confused the hell out of you these past two months.
Take it from me, I’m just as confused, and I’m trying to make some sense of it all.
” He drew in a deep breath. “This isn’t easy for me.
So I guess I’m asking you to be patient a while longer, especially as the trial’s coming up real fast, and I’m going to have my hands full. ”
None of what left his lips bore any resemblance to what he wanted to say. I think you could be important to me, but I don’t want to screw this up. And I need to be sure before I let myself be so… vulnerable again.
Those brown eyes still appraised him. “You know I’m not the most patient guy in the world, right? I mean, after all this time, that shouldn’t be a surprise.”
Alex’s heartbeat sped up a little. “Should I be worried here about what’s coming next?”
“We’re talking, and that’s more than we have been doing for a while. So I guess it’s a positive step. Just don’t let the conversation dry up entirely, Alex.” Joshua’s frank smile eased the tension in him. “Put it this way. I’m not going anywhere.”
Alex curled his fingers around Joshua’s, and the simple, intimate gesture felt right. “Glad to hear it. Now… did you say something about dinner being ready?”
Joshua grinned. He rose to his feet and pulled Alex up with him. “Let’s go see if those two have left us any.”
Alex followed him out of the warm room, breathing a little easier, but conscious of the fact that Joshua hadn’t sugarcoated the situation.
There was still work to be done, and Alex prayed he could sort his tangled mess of emotions before Joshua’s patience finally wore out.