Nine
Sadie
Everything about tonight has contradicted everything I have planned for my life. We kissed, he made me orgasm, and he made me forget any sense of what I thought life was before him. That terrifies me, yet the way that he made me feel is something I can’t explain. It’s like life has new colors, and he is the reason I learned about them. Tastes that I never knew existed are now familiar favorites. Everything has changed, and yet I’m still trying to navigate what it all means.
I like Ben. I hate Ben. I’m torn up over how I can feel the way I do about him in such a short amount of time. I’m not declaring love or anything—it’s too soon for that—but I’m declaring that he makes me want to explore the unknown. That’s the best way to put it because I still don’t know him. Who is he, and why am I allowing him to explore me in these ways?
Regardless of where my relationship with Ben goes, I have to end whatever I have with Mike. And what happened tonight—I can’t do it again. My virginity is something I have always held close to me because I want love when I give the deepest part of me. Marriage. The knowledge that my innocence won’t be taken and then I will be left behind. We crossed too many lines tonight, and I need to reel us back in. Ben kisses each of my thighs, following up with intimate nips and suckles. It’s raw. It’s real.
“B-Ben,” I stutter, and he looks up at me. His face is content.
“Yes?”
He stands at full height now, and he helps me put my leggings back on. Who knew the act of dressing in silence after an unconstrained sexual encounter could be so intimate? I blush with each part of my flesh that he covers. When I’m fully clothed, I hop down from the counter and put some much-needed distance between us. I need to think straight. What is happening is really messy. Shit, what am I doing?
He watches me closely as I move around the kitchen, unsure where to put myself. Can’t sit down, don’t know if I can keep standing up. Ben doesn’t move.
“What do you want from me, Ben? Just sex?”
“I want more than sex, Sadie.”
I pause, my back to him, and look up at the crown molding on the kitchen ceiling. Releasing a deep breath, I drop my head and prepare for him to change his mind when I say my next words.
“I can’t—won’t—do that again. I want to wait until marriage. It might be clichéd and probably doesn’t make sense to you, but it does to me, and I won’t waver.” My words are rushed. I wait for him to say good riddance once I finally stop, but those words never come.
“As long as I can be the only one to have you, I don’t give a fuck. You have me by the fucking throat, Sadie. Other women don’t stand a chance,” he admits, and I melt.
I’ve never felt so desired in my life. I’ve never had a man lust for me or desire me like Ben does, and even if lust and desire are the root of this, maybe we can grow outside of them. He makes me want to trust him and see where this goes.
“You can have me, but not those parts,” I admit, giving him a second chance to find an out.
“I will respect you. But you’re mine now, and I won’t share.”
“Neither will I, Ben.” My tone is firm.
“Deal. If I have you, then that is all I need.”
I scoff. Rock stars can’t be with women who won’t put out. Who is he kidding? “You say that now. But I won’t have sex. I’m saving myself.”
He moves, turning me to face him. He takes my face in his hands and forces me to look up at him.
“You don’t get to tell me what I want. I need to know why you are so fucking stuck in my head, Sadie.”
Our eyes search one another. I don’t know what to say, because as much as I don’t want to be a test subject for him to figure out new feelings, I feel things I don’t understand and want to know why as well. I wait a moment, my hands wrapped around his wrist as I look at the ground between us. He drops his forehead to mine and urges me to say something.
“Promise me we won’t regret this, Ben,” I beg, and he takes my words as a green light.
Dropping his lips to mine again, he peppers me with soft, feathery kisses. The kind that make knees weak and hearts break.
“I can’t promise you anything other than whatever is happening between us. I plan to ride it out because it’s the realest thing I’ve felt in years.” He searches my face, and I reciprocate; he’s looking for approval, and I’m looking for any reason to back out, but I find none.
“Mine. I have my own angel,” he murmurs.
He moans against my mouth, sliding his tongue across the swell of my bottom lip. I close my eyes and let the musician take over my mouth, teaching me how to truly connect with someone with just a kiss.
“Mmm. Come boating with us tomorrow.” He breaks contact, and my head spins, still feeling the electricity on my skin and the plushness of his mouth on mine.
“I have to talk to Mike. End it with him. What time are you going?” I ask. He kisses the tip of my nose, and I catch myself wondering how a rock star who is so confident in himself has such a gentle touch.
“We’ll leave at eleven. I’ll pick you up.”
I nod, nervous about breaking up with Mike tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t make it awkward or, worse, lose a friend.
“Now, how about you let me watch you study while I get my guitar and write some music?”
What does it mean to be with Ben Cooper? That is the question I study instead of my textbooks for the next few hours.
* * *
“Things happened between us, and I feel awful. I didn’t want to hurt you or lie. But I don’t feel like this is what either of us wants. We’re more like really good friends.” Vaguely, with as little detail as possible, I explain to Mike that I was with Ben last night intimately. Waiting for him to tell me how hurt he is, I look at him searchingly, but not one ounce of sadness appears, let alone jealousy. In fact, he is looking at me like he is disappointed in what I did with Ben rather than what I did to him.
“What, so you’re dating a rock star now after knowing him for less than a day? And ending us because you want to hook up? Seriously? Do you know how dangerous and wrong that is? Sweetie, this isn’t like you.” Mike scolds me like I’m a child. I stayed up all night tossing and turning as I thought about Ben and whatever journey we are about to take together.
Mike and I are sitting in our favorite café while I break the news. It’s styled to replicate the feel of a 1950s diner with checkered black-and-white floors, white walls with framed newspaper clippings, and booths cushioned with a deep red hue that matches the stools at the bar. There is a vintage jukebox next to the restrooms, but it doesn’t work. Mike and I learned it wasn’t functional after we spent twenty minutes our first time here trying to pick a song before the waitress told us the music is controlled in the back and the jukebox is just for the aesthetic. That’s a great memory, and that date with Mike is what solidified this friendship-turned-relationship. Yet now, seeing Mike cast judgment on my choice to be with Ben rather than focusing on he and I breaking up, I see maybe this was just a case of friends who got into a routine and slapped a senseless label on it. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad. I am not a cheater, and regardless of how close Mike and I are, I still don’t think it was right. But secretly, I don’t regret Ben’s touch like I should. Actually, I miss it already and crave more of it.
I set a boundary last night that we wouldn’t be intimate again. Am I really going to be able to do that? Do I even want to?
I think about the good and the bad, all of it tearing me up inside, but the good outweighs the bad every time. Last night, after Ben and I talked about having a future together, he wrote beautiful lyrics and played his guitar effortlessly. His voice filled the room, mysterious and longing. All of that is enough for me to trust my heart on this one. It’s also enough to make me question if I can—or want to—resist his touch.
“This is sudden, and I’m sorry. But I like him, and I want to explore where it goes. I really am sorry that I did this to you,” I admit.
“Explore? What, have sex with him? Sadie, I’m so disappointed in you.”
I drop my head, irritated that he’s treating me like a child. Each time he opens his judgmental mouth, the guilt from last night slips further and further away. Mike flags down the waitress for the check. We spend a couple of tense minutes waiting to pay. Finally, we make our way outside.
“You don’t know him,” I say, standing outside the café. Patrons are passing us, and the outside tables are full of people sitting with their dates or their novels.
“I don’t need to. Rock stars are notoriously bad guys. Sinners is what they’re called, Sadie. You should be settling down with a good man, not a sinful, disease-ridden bad boy. To be honest, looking at you and knowing you aren’t as pure as I thought, I’m disgusted.” Wow, so much for the nice guy.
My mouth falls open, but I refrain from yelling. He’s a totally different person from the man I thought I knew. I don’t hate him, but I certainly don’t like him at the moment.
“And I’m disgusted that you are more concerned about my virtue than us breaking up. I’m not going to sit here and be shamed or have you talk about Ben like that. I wish you the best. I do. Goodbye, Mike.”
He scoffs and runs his hands through his hair. I can tell he wants to hit below the belt again, but I won’t give him any more of my time. I turn to leave, deciding that he can sit with his own thoughts. If he has to hate me right now, then that is on him. This is the first time in my life that I am going against the grain and leading with my heart rather than my head.
I may be young, but the minute Mike started making assumptions about Ben, I knew exactly what I needed to do.
Maybe I’m playing with fire by dating Ben, but I realized last night that I shouldn’t judge him for who he was, only by who he is when we’re together. If he can respect me and my wishes, then I can accept him and his lifestyle.
Besides, we’re only dating. I don’t think we’re even a couple. Ben and I could be over before we even start. How dare Mike accuse me and Ben of being bad people? He knows nothing about us—I don’t even know enough about us yet.
Hurrying to my car, I climb in. I’m going on an official date with Ben today. I should be thrilled, not feeling guilty. I need to shake off Mike’s words and focus on the rest of the day.
It’s getting close to ten thirty, so I drive back to my house to get changed. On the way, I call Kate.
“Hello!” she answers.
“What are you wearing on the boat? Ben invited me. My bathing suit from my family trip to Hawaii last year might work.” I pull into my driveway, climb out, and run as fast as I can in heels to get inside.
“That bright pink one-piece? Ew, no. I’ll be right over. I have some old one-pieces I don’t wear. I have a really cute black one that will look phenomenal on your gorgeous boobs.”
“Okay,” I laugh. “Let’s keep it somewhat modest, Kate.” I haven’t told her that I broke it off with Mike or that Ben and I hooked up yet.
“By the way, I find it weird that you’re hanging out with Ben. Got something you want to tell me?”
“I’ll explain it when you get here. Bring a couple options. I don’t want to be stuck wearing the raciest thing you own.”
“That takes away all the fun.”
“I’ll see you in a minute.” I need to make haste; Kate only lives ten minutes from me—more like five with her lead foot.
Ending the call, I make quick work of putting my curly hair into a messy bun. I strip down to nothing and head into the bathroom to put on some sunscreen.
“Sade? You in here?” Kate calls from my bedroom. I throw on my silk robe and bring the lotion out with me.
“Yes, I was putting on my sunscreen. Okay, let’s see what you have.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she dumps out her bag. She’s already dressed in a two-piece coral bathing suit. The edges have lace trim around her breasts. Her lean stomach is showing, and the light smattering of freckles on her rib cage is darker than normal, highlighting another one of her many beautiful traits.
“Try this one, it’s my black one-piece.” She tosses me a bathing suit. Grabbing it, I remove my robe.
My more-than-generous breasts pop out of the suit, and it hugs my butt tight enough that more than half of each cheek is showing. I’ll wear shorts over it.
Going to my dresser, I pull out some knee-length denim shorts and slide them on, feeling much more comfortable.
“Sadie, are you dating two guys at once? What has gotten into you? And last I checked, you were repulsed by Ben. What happened last night?” Sitting on the bed next to her, I resume putting on sunscreen.
“I broke it off with Mike this morning. I didn’t feel right going on a date with Ben otherwise, especially after we . . . kissed.”
I want to leave it at that. What happened was private, and I would like to keep it that way—but also, this is new, and this is Kate. My best friend.
“Sadie Jay McCallister! What did you drink? Who are you right now?” She nudges my shoulder, and I laugh with her.
“It’s crazy, but he came over last night, and we started talking, then playing around, being totally open with one another, then we kissed.”
“And? Oh my god, details, woman!”
“I don’t know, Kate, it was wild. We simply clicked. We didn’t say much, but what we did say was enough. He made me feel comfortable, like we’ve been best friends for the longest time. Oh! And then he said these things after we kissed—when I told him about Mike—things that should have me running for the hills but don’t.”
“Like?” she asks, bouncing a little, her eyes wide in wonderment.
“He said that I’m his now and that I need to leave Mike. It feels surreal, Kate, like we’re too young, but I’ve never felt more alive.”
“Wow, you got it bad. Damn, Sadie.”
“I’m nervous,” I choke out, handing her the bottle of sunscreen and standing up.
“We’re young, Sadie, and no one can tell us what to feel because we still haven’t learned everything. It’s okay to be nervous.”
“I know what I want in life, and I’m not impulsive. Besides, this is our first real date. It can’t be that serious.”
“Last night was the preliminaries, Sade, you are in it now.”
“I’m getting that.”
I grab a bag, a bottle of water, my towel, and the sunscreen. With my Ray-Bans in my hand, I get downstairs just as the doorbell rings.
Opening the door, I see Ben standing there with a grin on his adorable face.
“Damn, you look beautiful today, baby.” Stepping in, he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me up against him. Leaning in, he pecks me once on the lips then again on my cheek.
“You’re sweet. You look handsome too.”
I notice his snapback hat and the Ray-Bans that match mine. When he notices mine, he taps the side and smirks at me, speaking without words.
“Well shit, Ben. I didn’t think anyone could make Sadie go all gooey in the head. Nice work, but make no mistake, I will break your knees if you fuck with her,” Kate threatens.
“Damn, that’s sexy, baby. Come here,” Eric says, walking up the steps of my porch. Kate squeals and flies past us to jump in Eric’s arms.
“Hate to break up the lovefest, but we have to hit it.” Ben laughs, and I chuckle. Kate and Eric pull themselves apart and head to the car. I start to follow, but Ben stops me.
Bending down, he whispers in my ear, “I can’t wait to have you all day.” My heart beats more erratically than it already was after seeing his devilishly handsome face.
“I’m excited too.”
Ben smiles, leaning in and kissing my neck. My knees want to buckle at that moment.
“Let’s get this fucking show on the road!” he yells, letting go of my waist and placing his hand in mine. I walk on shaky legs toward the car. Today should be interesting.