15. Merlin
15
MERLIN
I’m grateful I called Digit.
For the first time in too long to mention, I feel like things are aligning. What were the chances he would be in town, visiting his parents at just the right time? Thank God they chose to move to San Diego after Maverick’s death, to be close to Sheri and the kids so they could help her.
The conversation with Digit replays in my mind as I drive to a nearby park to mull over his words and figure out what I’m going to say to Leila. I mean, there’s a solid chance she won’t even let me through the front door, but I have to try.
If nothing else, she deserves to know the truth about why I broke us up.
I park in the small lot and enter the park through the single gate. A couple of women are seated on a bench watching some kids play on the equipment. Not wanting to freak them out, I turn away from where they’re sitting and wander over to a bench facing away from them.
A breeze rustles the leaves of nearby trees, the only other sound besides that of children having fun. There’s nothing that warms the heart more than children’s unencumbered laughter.
Well, maybe the sound of Leila’s laughter.
Laughing was something she did often and without reservation. And I took that away from her, by all accounts. I well and truly fucked up, and while I was all action and bravado back at the bar, I have zero clue where to even open the door to a conversation about why I did what I did.
I sit in the park for who knows how long, losing myself in memories I locked away because they were too painful. Date nights, vacations, hanging out with the guys. Leila always did fit into the group as if she’d been born to it.
A memory of the time we travelled to South Africa to visit Leila’s family pops into my mind. She was so excited and proud to show me around her home country. We were sitting out on the patio, surrounded by her large family, and I felt something settle in me.
I wanted this with her. To share her family, and mine, but also to start a family of our own. It had been on the tip of my tongue to ask her father for his blessing when Leila’d come over to me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me to my feet.
“Dance with me,” she’d said, her eyes sparkling with happiness.
Jesus, I needed that back – her back. All I can do is pray she’ll be willing to give me an opportunity. Even though I still don’t have a plan on how to win her back, I’m suddenly impatient to get to her.
Hurrying back to the truck, I point it in the direction of Leila’s apartment, my heart pounding over what I’m about to do – put my heart on the line and make myself vulnerable in a way I never have.
In short, I’m going to grovel.
Each apartment in Leila’s block has two visitors’ parking spots, and I see Ace’s truck parked in one as I pull my truck into the other. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help the jealousy that burns through me at the thought of their close relationship. Even with these five years that they’ve not seen each other, she treats him no differently than when we were together.
And that’s the bit I’m jealous of. The logical part of my brain tells me that I have no one to blame but myself, but that doesn’t mean that the illogical part of my brain cares. I drop my head onto the steering wheel and blow out a huge breath. Right this second, I’d rather face a heavily armed band of insurgents than have the conversation I know I need to have with Leila.
But if I have any hope of getting her back, I’m going to have to man up and just do it.
As I’m locking the truck, I see Ace strolling toward the vehicles. The look on his face is not a happy one when he sees me.
“What the fuck, Merlin?”
I’m taken aback by the anger behind his words. Anger aimed at me, it seems. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t know what you did, but she’s a crying mess up there because of you. Again. Didn’t figure you’d hurt her enough when you dumped her ass the last time, so you coming to finish the job?”
At his words, I can feel my own anger fire to life. “What the hell are you talking about? And what are you even doing here?”
“I came to see my friend. The one I lost when you stupidly threw the best thing to ever happen to you away. The one I stopped being able to be friends with because of the damn ‘bro code’. Lo and behold, I find her a wreck because of something you’ve done. Again.”
I can actually hear his teeth click against each other as he snaps his mouth shut. He clenches his jaw and his fists as he glares at me. Ace, like me, is a big man. We’re fairly evenly matched in size and strength, so I know it’s going to be one hell of a brawl if we get into it. I brace for him to throw a punch.
But in the end, all he says is, “Why don’t you just leave her alone, man? If you can’t love her, and make no mistake she deserves to have someone worship her, then just leave her be. Don’t keep hurting her like this. It’s not right, Merlin. Just leave her be, man.”
I feel like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. “All this time, and you’ve been bottling that up inside?”
He grips the back of his neck, his knuckles white. “Yep, pretty much.”
“Why didn’t you say anything back then?”
“Would you have listened?” he asks, his tone ripe with skepticism.
That gives me pause. “Probably not, I guess.”
He gives me a "so there you have it” look but says nothing more. I sigh. I want nothing more than to get to Leila; however, Ace deserves an answer too. Almost as if of their own accord, I find myself shuffling my feet, nerves surfacing.
“You’re right. Blinded by the grief of losing Maverick, seeing the hell that Sheri was going through over his death, I stupidly thought I was doing the right thing for her when I broke it off. All I did was hurt everyone I cared about, me included, instead.”
“What the hell happened this time?”
“That’s between Leila and me. But I’m here to try and make things right between us. I love her. I should have told her just how much a long time ago.”
“Yeah, you should have. Well, I wish you luck, because the mood she’s in, I’m not sure she’s going to want to see you, let alone listen to you.”
My heart sinks. I didn’t expect it to be easy. However, I had hoped she’d have calmed down a bit by now.
“I’m out of here. I mean it though. Good luck, brother. It’d be good to have her back in the family. We’ve all missed her.” He claps me on the back, then heads for his truck.
I watch him leave. I’m stalling, and I know it, yet somehow, I can’t seem to get my feet to move. For long minutes, I stand staring at the spot where I last saw Ace’s truck. A soft chirp from my pocket pulls me out of my thoughts. Hauling my phone out, I see it’s a text from the very man himself.
All it says is simply, “Don’t fuck it up. Love you, brother.”
Jesus. No pressure then.
Well, I guess there’s no time like the present. I tuck my phone back in my pocket, check the lock on my truck, and walk toward Leila’s apartment. I’ve never been so nervous – I don’t even think I was this nervous on my first mission. What if I’ve really screwed up my chance with her? What if I’ve hurt her too much to forgive me? She was madder than a wet cat when she threw me out.
Before I’m ready, I find myself standing in front of Leila’s front door. I raise my hand to knock but chicken out at the last minute. I shake my hands out, blow out a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding, and try again. Another three times.
Good God, dude, man up.
I scrub my hands over my face, take a deep breath, and knock before I can change my mind. My heart crawls into my throat as I wait for Leila to open. This isn’t going to be easy – that’s if she even lets me into her apartment considering how mad she was earlier.
“Did you forget something, Ace?” she says as she opens her door, a smile on her face.
When she sees me standing there, her smile disappears, and she goes to close the wooden panel in my face.
Leaning in, I stop her from locking me out. “Leila, I know I’m the last person you want to see, but can we please talk for a minute? Please?” I feel her waver in the amount of pressure she’s exerting on the door.
“Please just hear me out, and then if you decide you still never want to see me again, I’ll respect your wishes. And I promise to let the guys know I won’t be mad if they stay in touch, even if you choose not to. See me again, that is. Please?”
I’m aware that I’m babbling – and wouldn’t the guys get a good laugh at that.
The door swings open again, and she’s standing there scowling at me. “That’s a lot of pleases. You must really have something to say if the almighty Kyle Jackson is willing to beg.”
“Yeah, I really do.”
She gives me the stink-eye for long, uncomfortable seconds before she gives in and steps back to allow me in. I waste no time stepping inside. Standing in the middle of her living room, I haven’t a clue where to start, but she’s standing a good few feet away from me, an expectant look on her face.
I take a moment to study her. Her eyes are red and puffy, and she looks exhausted, but the thing that slices deep is the sadness I see entrenched in her eyes. The sadness I put there.
“Well?” she asks belligerently.