Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
I get into my car and drive. I don’t know where I’m going – all I know is that I need to get the hell away from Sara and Dave. After a while, I pull over near the entrance to a park, switch off the ignition and sit in silence. I can’t even bear to think about the mess I’m in. It’s too painful.
My phone buzzes with an incoming call, and on pulling it out of my handbag, I see that it’s Amber. I consider letting it go to voicemail again because the last thing I need – having hit rock bottom and even fallen through that – is one of her painfully honest appraisals of the situation. Then I remember that we’re meant to be leaving for our trip tomorrow morning. A holiday and all the excitement that goes with it may be the last thing on my mind, but if I leave Amber hanging, I risk losing the last of my three closest friends.
Dejectedly, I hit the answer button. ‘Hi, Amber.’
‘ Where are you? ’ she demands.
‘I’m… actually, I don’t know where I am. I assume you spoke to Cat then.’
‘Well, I didn’t get my information from anyone else.’
I start to cry.
‘What were you thinking accusing her like that?’ Amber’s frustration with me is evident. ‘From what I hear, you didn’t even give her a chance to explain.’
‘I… I don’t know,’ I say in a small voice. ‘It seemed pretty cut and dried… until it didn’t. Do you know the real story? Because Cat has been hiding something and Dave’s at the centre of it. If it was Sara who was seeing him behind my back all this time, then what could it be?’
‘What are you on about?’ She’s understandably confused. ‘Why are you talking about Sara now? Emma, you need to get a grip.’
‘ No, listen .’ I run a frustrated hand through my hair. ‘It was Sara all along. When I got your text, I had to find out what was going on, so I went to Dave’s apartment and sat outside…’ I fill her in on the rest in between sobs.
‘ The little cow ,’ Amber growls once I’m done. ‘Though, I’m not totally surprised.’
‘What do you mean? Why would—’
‘Look, forget about that. We can talk about it later. Right now, you’ve got some serious damage limitation to do. Cat’s in a right state, so I suggest you get round there fast, before you lose her forever – if you haven’t already.’
‘OK, but can you tell me what happened with her and Dave, so I can at least go in prepared?’
‘No, Emma.’ Her tone is firm. ‘Cat deserves the opportunity to explain that herself. Move your arse and call me when you’re done, yeah?’ She hangs up without saying goodbye.
Stuffing my phone back in my bag, I rub my red, puffy eyes, willing myself to keep it together long enough to get to Cat’s and try and fix things.
I use my phone to figure out where I am and race across the city, reining in my frustration at being caught at every set of traffic lights on the way. When I eventually screech to a halt outside Cat’s apartment block, I abandon my poorly parked car and rush to the main door where I buzz her flat.
‘ Come on …’ I dance around with impatience, but there’s no reply.
She must be in. I buzz again, but there’s still no answer. Then I remember that I still have a key. In all the drama this morning, I never returned it. Hastily letting myself into the building, I take the lift to Cat’s floor, gently unlock the door and slip inside. The flat is silent and I wonder if she’s gone out, but when I reach her room, I see her curled up in the foetal position on her bed, cuddling a pillow while staring out the window. My heart sinks. I’ve done this to her.
‘Cat…’ My voice is almost a whisper. ‘You didn’t answer, so I let myself in. Can we talk?’
She doesn’t reply.
‘Cat?’ I try again from the doorway. ‘Is it OK if I come in and speak to you?’
Still nothing. But she hasn’t told me to get lost, so I’ll try my luck. I’m jittering with nerves, acutely aware that if I botch this, I’ll have lost the best friend I’ve ever had.
‘Cat, I need to apologise to you. I’ve been… an idiot. These last few weeks… well, they’ve been a complete rollercoaster, and… I think it’s all overwhelmed me. It’s like I’ve been living on adrenaline, which has warped my sense of reality and I’ve lost perspective. I’m so ashamed of myself, and I’m ready… I mean… I want to hear your side of things. Will you tell me what happened with Dave?’
Cat maintains her silence, and I feel a slight flicker of hurt that she won’t even acknowledge my presence. But knowing that I’ve gotten things so wrong, I can hardly hold it against her .
‘Um… OK. I guess I’ll go then.’ I turn away, the weight of Cat’s silence too much to bear.
I make my way back through the hallway towards the apartment door, resignedly placing the spare key on the hall table as I pass.
‘I did do something wrong.’ Cat’s voice, weak and hoarse from crying, comes from the bedroom. ‘I admit that, but it’s nothing like what you thought.’
I waver slightly in my stance, but I stay quiet, not wanting to discourage her from continuing.
‘I wasn’t with Dave in the bar last night, though I did speak to him,’ she continues. ‘I was telling him exactly what I thought of him, which is not something that comes easily to me, but I was furious with him for the position he put me in.’
‘What… what position?’ I appear at her bedroom door once again and see that she’s now sitting up. ‘Cat, none of this makes sense. You were smiling and laughing, and he slid his arm around your waist. You… whispered in his ear. It looked intimate, like…’ Clocking the look on her face, I realise that I need to stop or she’ll shut down again. ‘Sorry, sorry… I’ll be quiet. You go on.’
She exhales heavily, her face etched with raw emotion. ‘From the outside looking in… with no context… I accept that’s how it looked. I was hardly going to make a scene in front of my date, so, when I spotted Dave on the way back from the toilets, I made it look like I was saying hello to an old friend, when I was actually telling him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him. He made it easy for me, trying to be all pally when he saw me.’
I’m utterly gobsmacked and bewildered. ‘But what were you hiding from me then? It was clearly something.’
‘Yes, it was. A couple of months ago, I bumped into Dave at a hotel in Dundee, when I was on a spa day with friends from my uni days.’
‘I remember that. With Becky and Prisha.’
‘That’s right.’ Cat nods, her gaze fixed on the floor. ‘He was acting shifty, so I kept an eye out and spotted him with a woman as I was leaving.’
I gasp at this revelation, even though I now know that woman was Sara.
‘I didn’t see her face. Only that she was blonde. I didn’t want to be the one to hit the “destruct” button on your relationship. I’ve seen how that can play out and how friendships can be ruined – the messenger always gets shot, as they say. So, when I was over at your apartment a few days later, I got Dave on his own and told him if he didn’t tell you, I would. He said he’d do it, but he kept putting it off, and it got to the point where I couldn’t tell you either, because I’d left it so long.’ She pauses, evidently pained by her actions and subsequent inaction. ‘Then, when he finished with you… You were so broken… I couldn’t bear to add to your pain, especially when you started to perk up again and had your win. It seemed cruel to even think about telling you. What would it have gained? I just wish I’d done the right thing and told you as soon as it happened.’
‘Oh, Cat. I wish you had too,’ I grimace. ‘Though I can’t pretend I don’t understand your fear. Who knows how I might have reacted? I wasn’t wise to Dave’s arsehole-ness in the way that I am now. I was always defending him. There’s still something that doesn’t make sense to me, though. Why did you wait ’til last night to tell him what you thought of him? He called you on D-day night. You clearly both had each other’s numbers.’
‘When he called that night, finding you and making sure you were all right was my priority, not making myself feel better. I wasn’t planning to confront him, but when I saw him last night, I just saw red. And… Dave had my number from when you and I went on holiday together a few years back, remember? You gave him it as a backup.’
‘Oh… of course, I remember now.’ I feel even more ashamed, as this realisation dawns.
‘I’m sorry, Emma, I really am.’ Cat looks at me properly for the first time. ‘I know I did the wrong thing, and I should have told you, but I wasn’t seeing him behind your back. I can’t believe you would even think that.’
Cat’s words slice through me like tiny razors, making my legs weak. I enter her room and perch on her bed. I haven’t had time to properly process her admission, but I can see that she was thinking about me and trying to protect me. My actions, on the other hand, are not as easily justifiable.
‘I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Cat.’ I hang my head and shudder. ‘I should never have doubted you.’
‘Thank you,’ she says simply.
We sit in silence for a good minute.
‘So, can we put this whole misunderstanding behind us?’ I say eventually, offering her a weak smile. But to my surprise, the response I expected doesn’t come.
‘I don’t know, Emma.’ She looks distressed and I wait anxiously for her to continue. ‘I know I didn’t help the situation. And this may sound a bit hypocritical, but… you’ve shown that you don’t trust me. The Emma I thought I knew would never have suspected something like that.’
‘I… I know.’ I wring my hands pathetically. ‘I didn’t want to believe it, Cat. I really didn’t. There were just so many things I reflected on, and they all seemed to make sense when I put them together—’
‘But it’s me , Emma. Other than finding myself in that impossible situation Dave put me in, have I ever done anything to hurt you? I don’t think so. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember. It feels so awful… so crushing … to think you could even consider I would do something like that. It makes me wonder whether we have the kind of friendship I thought we had after all.’
We’re both crying now.
‘I really am so sorry.’ I wipe the tears from my eyes. ‘I’ve been a stupid, paranoid idiot. Of course I trust you. It’s been a weird time lately. It’s messed with my head.’
‘I know it has, but even still, I thought you and I were rock solid. I’m so desperately disappointed to find out that we’re not.’
I can feel my heart breaking for the second time in as many weeks.
‘I’ll make this up to you… please let me, Cat.’ I’m desperate not to lose her too. ‘We’re meant to be leaving for our holiday tomorrow. I’ll be the best friend in the world and I’ll never doubt you again. I promise . If I could trade all the money I won to get things back to how they were – so I’d never done that to you – I’d do it in a heartbeat. That’s how much you mean to me.’
Cat looks at me through sad, glassy eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Emma. I just won’t feel comfortable coming on the holiday now. I was already uneasy with the idea of you spending so much on me and this has tipped things over the edge. It’s probably best to have some space from each other for a bit.’
I stare at her, silently begging her to change her mind, but she looks away.
‘OK, well I’ll leave you in peace then,’ I murmur.
Heading to the door of the apartment once more, I’m about to close it behind me when I realise something. Cat doesn’t know the full story.
‘By the way, it was Sara you saw with Dave,’ I call to her. ‘ I caught them earlier with their tongues down each other’s throats.’
There’s no reply from the bedroom, so I shut the door and head downstairs to my car. As I’m driving off, I look up at Cat’s flat, and see her face at the window for a brief moment – then she’s gone and my broken heart is mashed by a steamroller.