Chapter 18
E ach agonizing step through the forest feels like I’m living a nightmare, my heart pounding wildly with fear.
My newly heightened senses pick up every rustle and whisper, making the shadows dance menacingly around me, even the trees as their branches whip my skin.
The darkness even more so; it’s frightening with heightens senses, appearing to have no end as if threatening to swallow me whole.
The further I walk, the more the darkness of the forest seems to close in, suffocating me as I follow Xandros, feeling like helpless prey led by a ruthless predator to its death.
Despite the terror clawing at me, I marvel at the haunting beauty of the castle grounds and gardens at night as we break out of the trees.
Twinkling fairy lights are strung through the trees, casting a magical glow on the snow-covered ground, creating an eerie contrast to the sinister atmosphere that encases it. It is deathly beautiful.
The cold seeps through my bare feet right into my bones, and I shiver violently, my arms wrapped around myself in a futile attempt to ward off the freezing air that pierces my skin like a thousand icy needles, my toes numb from the snow and the cuts and grazes sting from the ice-cold air adding to my torture.
Xandros remains silent and unfeeling as we walk; his demeanor is as cold as the snow under my feet.
His footsteps are resolute and unwavering, his callousness more chilling than the frigid air.
He doesn’t pause or glance back at me as I stumble over loose debris, and I know trying to run would be pointless.
I feel a growing sense of dread as we approach the castle, as if he is walking me to the gallows, leading me to my demise.
My feet slow as we get closer, and I can see through the windows.
Servants tending to their chores and people rushing around.
When I spot the guards walking around the perimeter though, my heart sinks even further, weighed down by despair.
My naked, filthy state is unbearable, and I pause, not wanting to go any closer, not wanting them to see me like this.
“Sienna!” Xandros calls out, his voice harsh and unforgiving, like the crack of a whip against my already battered soul. I wrap my arms tighter around myself as if they alone can cover me.
“Can I have your jacket?” I plead with him, my voice barely a whisper.
I am desperate for even the smallest bit of coverage to shield me from the gazes that will inevitably follow.
My vulnerability is tangible, and I can hardly bear it.
I’ve never felt so exposed before in my life.
He glances at me, his eyes running the length of me and he clenches his jaw then looks away as if disgusted by the sight of me.
He only snarls in response, “Hurry up,” and continues walking, completely ignoring my request. His cruelty stings like a slap to the face, leaving me feeling more exposed and vulnerable than ever.
This walk of shame is a torment beyond anything I have ever known as we near the path.
The moment his feet crunch on the gravel all eyes turn our way.
With no other choice, I force myself to follow him, keeping my gaze fixed on the ground as I feel everyone’s eyes on me. The burning shame within me intensifies. This walk of shame is a torturous trip that seems to stretch on forever.
When we finally reach my room, Xandros unlocks the door and steps aside, motioning for me to enter. I look at him. “Inside before I change my mind and make you walk back to the dungeons.”
I hastily step over the threshold, wondering now if I was safer there. I walk in, my body trembling from the cold and humiliation. As I turn back to speak, he slams the door in my face and locks it, leaving me alone once again.
The sound of the lock clicking into place echoes through the room like a death bell calling for me, and I sink to the floor, my heart aching from the pain of Xandros’s rejection and the crushing weight of my own shame.
My loneliness feels like a living thing, wrapping its icy fingers around my heart and squeezing until I can hardly breathe.
The bond calls for its mate. How is one expected to live like this? It’s vile and degrading, heartbreaking. Never in my life have I felt so weak, so small and it’s not even my fault. The stupid bond beating inside me calling for that monster.
My soul dependent on him, it’s truly sickening. I’d rather hate him then long for him; the bond could at least offer that small reprieve.
Unable to handle the empty, noiseless room, I decide to shower, yearning for the sensation of warm water to envelop my skin like a comforting embrace. A whimper escapes my lips as I place my hand under the water and find the water is hot. A small luxury, one I won’t take for granted ever again.
Stepping under the water, it cascades down my body, washing away the dirt, the grime, and some of the humiliation I’ve been through.
If only it would wash away the bond and snuff it out of existence.
Cupping my hands under the water, I gulp it down greedily, letting the warmth seep into my bones and thaw my chilled insides. The scent of soap fills the room, along with my blood as it cascades from my hairline and from my face.
I scrub my blood-caked nails; it becomes an obsession as I try to remove the dirt and blood under them.
I scrub myself raw, my skin burning with ferocity.
Then I just stand there, staring at the tiled walls as if they alone will crack open and give me the answers I am so desperately wishing I had.
Like how I can be blamed for my parents’ actions. That makes no sense to me.
As the water runs over me, it feels like a baptism, a desperate attempt to cleanse myself of the unbearable pain I’ve endured.
When I step out of the shower, I wrap a towel around myself and wander into the walk-in closet.
I find some clothes and discover a shirt belonging to Xandros.
It smells like him. One part of me wants to shred it because it reminds me of him.
Another part of me wonders if it will help soothe the ache of the bond, so I slip it on, his scent does seem to help some, but not much.
However, right now, any victory shall be celebrated no matter how small; even if it is only a shirt that stops the niggling longing even briefly.
Wrapped in the remnants of his scent, I feel both comforted and tormented by his absence. I venture out of the bathroom, searching for a way to warm the frigid room.
I find a small box of matches and huddle around the fireplace, desperately trying to ignite the wood.
It’s futile. The fire keeps going out, and I feel a surge of frustration, my desperation mirroring the dying embers.
Striking the match once again, I hear the door handle twist, making me freeze as I turn my head.
Suddenly, the door opens. Xandros returns, and I freeze as I watch him pace, his every movement exuding anger and tension when my fingers suddenly burn, making me shake the match and drop it when it burns my fingers.
His presence is like a storm cloud, heavy and oppressive. I can feel the bond more intensely now, and it’s as if it’s tearing me apart from the inside wanting to get to him.
He starts rambling, his voice strained with the weight of his emotions. “This bond... It’s unbearable.” He grits his teeth, clenching his fists.
“I hate you, and still, I’m cursed to crave you.” He grasps his hair and crouches on the spot, his breathing heavy. “How is that even possible?” he murmurs, then growls furiously.
“How can you have such a hold on me?” he snarls, lifting his head to glare at me. I remain silent, watching him as he struggles with his conflicting emotions. His anguish is a reflection of my own.
He then gets up, walking to his bar area, which I forgot about in my desperation to start the fire. He snatches a half-drunk liquor bottle, twists the cap off, and drinks from it, his eyes trained on me as he does. I stare at him like a deer in headlights.
He drains the bottle, and I sigh. I could have made better use of it by setting this fire , I think dryly.
“I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. All I can think about is how you betrayed me. How you’re the daughter of monsters!” I flinch at his anger as it spews out of him and he tosses the liquor bottle, it smashes against the walls, the sound hurting my ears as it shatters, making me clutch them.
“All I can fucking think about is how much I want you.” He smashes the room up in a fit of rage, tossing the furniture as if it weighs nothing as he stalks toward me.
His fury is a whirlwind of destruction that leaves me trembling with fear.
I whimper, and he turns his attention to me.
My eyes widen at my mistake, and I jump to my feet.
The storm in his eyes suddenly becomes more intense and frightening. When he grabs me, “This is your fucking fault!” He shakes me then he kisses me, pawing at my shirt, his touch rough and demanding. “Xandros!” I shriek when he rips my shirt.
“You’re hurting me,” I tell him. My voice is barely a whisper, but it’s as if he doesn’t hear me. “I want to sleep; I need sleep,” he tells me, his voice desperate and raw.
“I need you.” He kisses me again, and as much as I want to hurt him, I can’t seem to deny the bond when instinct takes over, and I kiss him back, hoping he’ll see I’m not my parents, hoping he’ll soothe my aching bond.
He clutches me to him, kissing and licking me as he walks me backward. The back of my knees hit the bed, and I fall back onto it. Xandros stares at me hungrily, and I reach for him, seeking some semblance of comfort in the storm of his emotions.
Instead, he grips my ankles and flips me onto my stomach, dragging me to the edge of the bed. I push up off the bed, my toes digging into the carpet when he shoves me back down before undoing his pants and entering me from behind roughly.
Sparks rush over my skin, at his touch despite it being harsh, and I try to pull away and turn, wanting to touch him, to feel the warmth of his skin against mine, but he won’t let me.
His thrusts are rough and unyielding. Once he’s done, he leaves me there, exposed and used, like a discarded toy. “This changes nothing. You’re still a traitor, and I will never forgive you.” The words are like shards of glass, cutting deep into my already wounded heart.
He then leaves before I can even turn around to face him. The door clicks shut, and I sink to my knees, realizing I’ve been reduced to a bed toy.
I drag the blanket off the bed, wrapping it around myself and moving back to the fireplace, and picking up the box of matches to find only one left.
I wish he could have at least started the fireplace for me or offered a kind word, some insignificant gesture to ease the unbearable pain that consumes me.
Instead, I lay there by the cold fireplace, cold and alone.
The bond is somewhat sated for now, but the painful reality remains—I am unwanted, unloved, and utterly broken. The once beautiful room is now a battlefield ravaged by our mutual torment and his destruction.
After a while, I find the energy to move, and I curl up on the bed, pulling the covers around me in a desperate attempt to find warmth in the icy void that has become my life.
The lingering scent of Xandros on the ripped shirt I wear is both a comfort and a curse. It is a constant reminder of the man who has become both my salvation and damnation.
As I lie in bed, the weight of the night presses down on me, suffocating me with the knowledge I am utterly alone in this world.
My thoughts are a whirlwind of pain and despair. Each memory of Xandros is a bitter reminder of the life we might have had if not for the sins of my family.
The ghosts of my past haunt me, whispering I am unworthy of love and that I will forever be tainted by the blood running through my veins.
As I lay there, shivering and broken, I wonder if I am doomed to remain locked in this endless cycle of pain and heartache, the weight of my parents’ past sins forever dragging me down into the abyss.
I laugh at the next thought that flits through my mind. Only time will tell, and now I have all the time in the world, eternity. Fucking death would have been kinder than immortality living like this.