Chapter 33
Jannis
Something rumbles.
Outside.
Something warm is pressing against my chest. Slowly, the world around me comes into focus, and I don’t know if it’s relief, but an incredibly light feeling rushes through my body as I realize what, or rather who, is warm against my body.
Dayyan is here. I wasn’t dreaming. Tears fill my eyes and I move a little closer to him. Never in my life has anyone done anything like this for me, traveled a thousand kilometers by train and bus just to be with me. I know, for some people this is the bare minimum, but for me it’s unbelievable.
“Good morning, sunshine.” Dayyan turns in my arms and my breath catches. This is my boyfriend? Is this real? Fuck, what did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve him?
His thick black hair is tousled and sticking out in all directions. One eye is half open, a slight smile playing around his lips. “Did you sleep well?”
I nod quickly, pretty sure my voice wouldn’t cooperate if I tried to speak now.
“Me too, better than ever.”
“Must be the sea air.” My voice breaks. Damn it.
“No.” He brushes a wild strand from my forehead with his fingertips. “It’s you.”
The next moment, our lips touch and my head switches into standby mode.
We both flinch when there’s a knock at the door. “Hey lovebirds, fancy some croissants? Breakfast in fifteen.”
Louis.
“Tell him six croissants, one baguette and salted butter,” I whisper. Confused, Dayyan raises his eyebrows. “David is somewhere around.”
“Stupid question, sorry.” Of course, he gets it. Smiling, he kisses me, then he answers my brother.
Usually, I hate letting others speak for me.
Except for Luca—with Luca, it’s fun. With everyone else, I feel weak, useless, and incapacitated.
With Dayyan, it’s different. I can let him speak for me because I know he would never abuse the power I give him.
He would never deny me my independence or my voice.
My selective mutism was never an issue. Not like it always was with Danny.
He was patient, yes, but he still constantly asked me questions that would’ve required long elaborate answers, even when I didn’t have my phone on hand.
I can’t count how many times Dayyan carried my phone around for me.
Even though I speak with him, he’d never force me to.
“Thank you.”
“Pure selfishness. I’m hungry, but I don’t want to let you go yet.” He pulls me a little closer to him.
His hair tickles my stomach, with every breath his chest presses a little harder against mine, and when we breathe in at the same time, I forget where I end and Dayyan begins.
We have breakfast with Louis and David, with my brother firing thirty thousand questions at us, as if this were not breakfast on vacation but a cross-examination in a high-security prison. At first, Dayyan was relaxed, but now he keeps looking at me nervously.
I already have my phone in my hand when David intervenes. “It’s enough, Lou. We get it. You’re a great big brother and you want to protect Jannis, but I think the two of them know what they’re doing.”
Wow, that’s a bold statement, David. I have no idea what I’m doing like at all and I’m already panicking big time that Dayyan will eventually realize I’m too much trouble and he’d rather date someone he can fuck without complications.
Who he... what? Can fuck? Did I seriously just think that? God, what’s wrong with me? Is that what I want? Or do I want to... fuck? What if he doesn’t want that? What if we’re not compatible?
“Who’s the top in your relationship?”
My fingers typed and hit send faster than my brain could think. Dayyan spits half his coffee all over his T-shirt, Louis and David look at me in surprise.
My brother is the first to recover.
“So you didn’t listen to me? At the white cross?”
I put on my best “I have no idea what you’re talking about” look and Louis rolls his eyes.
“Okay, I always thought Paps already did the sex talk with you, but fine.” Paps did, but it was about protection, STDs and pregnancy, not... this. “I’m vers, although I prefer to top. David is a bottom.”
“But...” I look back and forth between the two of them, unsure. David is so much bigger than Lou.
My brother gets up, rummages through his suitcase, and returns with a pack of condoms and a tube of lube.
“I don’t know how active you’ve been so far, but if you’re not sure, get tested.
In the meantime, use these.” He drops the condoms right in front of my nose and waves the lube around.
“And don't skimp on this. At least not at the beginning. If it hurts, it sucks.”
David doesn’t seem to entirely agree, shrugging his shoulders somewhat indecisively.
“Um, thanks.” Dayyan has recovered and pulls both toward him. “When we’re ready, we... What are your plans for today?”
Louis and David exchange a quick glance. “First to the beach, then a nap, then to the pool.” If nap means sex, maybe we shouldn’t be in the mobile home. “And you two?”
“Nothing planned yet. First, a shower.”
David grins knowingly, even though I didn’t mean it that way. Or did I? Do I want that? Fuck. Dayyan must have seen the panic in my eyes, because he puts his hand reassuringly on my thigh.
I like it when he touches me.
“Come on, let’s sit outside.” David and Louis have just turned around the corner toward the beach.
“But...” I wanted to take a shower.
“I think we need to talk. You’re nervous wreck and I don’t understand why.”
“Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?” Dayyan laughs as he sinks into the soft cushions of the lounge, and my tension eases a little.
“Yes, but I’m afraid you’ll have to enlighten me here.”
Oh damn, I have to talk, right?
“You’re...” Fuuuck. My cock twitches. “You’re hot, okay? But I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even really know what I like yet. You’ve had girlfriends, you’ve got it all figured out.”
“Come here.” Dayyan pats the space next to him and reaches his hand out to me. My mind tells me I should bury myself in the sand, but my heart knows where it belongs.
Gently, always so gently, he pulls me toward him, and I curl up against his chest. His heartbeat is slow and steady, and mine calms down with it.
“Tell me about Danny and you. What did you do and how did you feel about it?”
“You want to hear how I... with someone else...” Nervously, I play with the hem of his boxer shorts.
“Yes.”
I take a deep breath. “This sounds stupid, but everything always had to happen so very fast, as if we didn’t have time. And I guess in the end, we really didn’t have time...” My chest tightens.
“You wish you’d taken things slower?”
“We never had moments like this. Danny was shy and insecure with me, but he was also driven, always wanting to touch me. I didn’t want to make things complicated, so I let him. Horny teenagers are like that, right? They always want more. I didn’t want to be the exception again.”
“So you weren’t a horny teenager?” Dayyan grins.
“Yes, I was, but I grew up without physical affection for the first six years of my life. I would’ve loved to touch more of him, not just his cock. And I would have loved if he touched more of me too.”
“Is that so?” Dayyan brushes his fingertips lightly over my nipple and I moan briefly. “Where do you want to be touched?”
“Everywhere.” My voice trails off in a loud breath.
“I’ve only ever been with girls before, I’ve never touched a man the way I’m touching you, and of course I’ve never been touched by a man either. But I want that, everything that feels good, with you. Everywhere.”
“I was actually about to take a shower...” Did I really say that? Out loud?
Dayyan’s eyes light up as he replies. “You were? Did you plan to go alone, or do you want to take me with you?”
Alone, definitely alone, not with... but my cock is getting hard at the thought. And my brain is obviously turning into a marshmallow with no control over my speech. “You’re welcome to join me.”
Holy shit. We’ll be naked in the shower. Naked. No underwear or swim shorts.
We could’ve gone into the hot tub that comes with the mobile home. Although... I’m pretty sure Louis and David fucked there the first night.
But we could have just gone swimming.
“If you don’t get up, it’s not going to happen.” Fuck it, what’s the worst-case scenario? Dayyan wouldn’t do anything without my consent, he knows how to touch me. He’s never crossed a line. I gather all my courage and get up. Dayyan follows suit walking purposefully past me.
On the way to the bathroom, he drops his boxer briefs and for the first time I have a clear view of two narrow, firm ass cheeks. Fine black hair is running up from his thighs and my cock fights hard against the fabric of my own underwear.
He doesn’t turn around, not as he waits for the water to warm up and not when he steps under the stream. He’s waiting, giving me all the time I... Wait, what is he doing with his left hand? Is this what I think it is? Damn, he’s got some nerve. His head falls onto his chest.
“What are you doing?” Is that even my voice, so raspy and hoarse?
“Something that feels good.”
Looking back, I’ll say my brain short-circuited, or maybe I’m just a normal horny teenager after all, but I take off my boxers and squeeze behind Dayyan into the shower.
Space is limited, so limited that my chest presses against his back—and my hard cock against his ass. For a moment, Dayyan’s breath catches when he feels me, and I’d pull back if I could.
Water drips down his shoulder and I catch a drop with my lips, then another and another. In a moment of clarity, I notice that my hands are on Dayyan’s upper arms, my thumbs drawing small circles.
“You’re hard. I can feel you.” He doesn’t try to pull away, so I assume it’s okay for him. I try to move as little as possible, even though friction is exactly what I’d need right now. I gently kiss Dayyan’s neck.
“Does that bother you? I can...”
“No, I like how you feel. Different, but good.”
My hand glides onto his chest as if by itself, playing with his nipple and then sliding lower.
My brain can’t possibly be in charge right now, this isn’t who I am, I’m not this brave.
Where is the inner voice that always held me back?
That never really could let go with Danny because things moved so fast?
This is fast as well. But it’s also so familiar.
We are so close, skin to skin, with so much blind understanding and trust.
When my fingertips touch his pubic hair, Dayyan lets go of his cock, and without hesitation, my hand takes its place. His is a little smaller than Danny's, but thicker, and it feels good. I slide my thumb over his glans and Dayyan’s legs give way.
Carefully, I lean against the wall behind me and pull him with me, without interrupting my fast rhythm.
He moans again as my cock slides between his ass cheeks, and fuck, that’s hot. It takes infinite self-control not to just roll my hips, because I'm sure that would be too much for him. Too gay for starters, too much man, too much... or, maybe not.
“Ah, what... oh my God.” Now I’m moaning, because Dayyan is thrusting into my hand at a fast pace, grinding against my cock with every thrust.
I don’t think he’s aware of what he’s doing. He’s already flying too high himself, his cock hard as a rock, his breathing faltering.
“Ah, don’t stop. Don’t... ahh, fuck! I...” Dayyan has no chance to finish his sentence. His cock pulses in my hand, white strands of cum splattering onto my fingers and his stomach. With quick hip movements, he rides the wave of his orgasm—and my length.
“Dayyan, I... please stop, or...”
“Or what?”
“I...” Too late. Endorphins rush through my body, and I press my head into Dayyan’s neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”