Chapter 6
SIX
My home had always been my safe place, but it was beginning to feel like my private hell as Makai cleared the distance between me and my front door. A full week in a foreign country with limitless time to spend with him left me spoiled and aggravated with the thought of returning to reality.
The dream he’d created for me, I was ready to revisit already. A week wasn’t enough. I needed a lifetime.
“Fix your face, Mommas. You look like you just lost your best friend.”
Makai rubbed my cheek with the back of his hand. He took his eyes off the road momentarily to establish a connection and assure me everything was fine. Somewhere within me, I felt indifferent.
Is everything okay? I wondered.
“It feels like it.” Sadly, I sighed.
I leaned into his hand, needing to feel the pressure that offered security in my world.
“Cheer up. What’s with the long ass face?”
“I have work in less than two hours. I haven’t adjusted yet. I’ve been flying for the last seven days and it feels like I’m being tossed out of the plane with a swift kick to the spine.”
Chuckling at the description of my feelings, Makai shook his head. Simultaneously, the wheels on his truck stopped rolling in the middle of a busy street. He placed his flashers on and switched gears. Now in park, he turned to face me.
“What are you doing, Makai? We’re in the middle of the road.”
“I have two eyes, Kiwi. I know exactly where we are. It doesn’t matter. Wherever we are and Mommas is feeling blue, that’s where the fuck we’ll be until she’s warm again.”
His explanation left me with a sagging posture and galloping heart. Desperate for his touch, I reached out to him, needing his comfort. He pulled me closer, not stopping until my body was pressed against his.
On his lap, I sat, arms wrapped around his neck and chest against his face. Gently, he gnawed on my nipple through the shirt he’d let me borrow. Underneath, I was bare-chested, free of a bra.
“Ouch.” The pain didn’t exist. There was only pleasure.
“Tell me what’s the matter, Mommas. The real thing, and not some made-up shit in your head. And give me a kiss before you let that shit fly.”
I kissed Makai’s lips as I’d been told. When my neck was upright again, the sadness continued.
“I’ll sit here all fucking day, Glacier. I don’t give a fuck.”
“I miss you.”
Shaking his head from one side to the other, he ran his hand through his beard.
“I haven’t gone anywhere yet.”
“I know, but I can feel your absence already. I can feel the effect of the separation already. Now that we’re both home, I don’t want to have to fight for your attention or for you to go back to thinking the way you were prior to any of this. I’m just feeling so… I don’t know. I’m not feeling very secure. As much as I hate to sound so needy, I am. The truth is, I need you to validate the feelings we both share and promise me they won’t change now that we’re back to reality.”
Honking horns passed us by, but I’d lost every caring bone in my body that didn’t directly relate to the feelings I shared with Makai. He placed a hand on both sides of my face and focused on my glossy orbs. My emotions rested in my eyes, threatening to spill.
The days I’d spent with Makai felt like months. The progress we made in such a short time left me breathless and in excruciating pain at the thought of it all being for nothing.
“What if you decide that you don’t actually want a partnership again? What if?—”
“Shhhhhh. You’re getting yourself upset for nothing, G. Shit is solid. I’m locked in. We’re locked in. Ain’t shit changing between us. I’ll admit that I have a shitload of work waiting on me. I have a bunch of business to take care of, so I might go missing for a day or two, but by the third day, I’m right back in your face, right back in your world. Three shifts at best and I’m back, Mommas. I promise.”
“Yeah?” I asked, needing confirmation.
“Yeah. And don’t ever hesitate to tell me how you really feel, aight?”
“Okay.”
“Communication is what will make this shit work. You’re not a fool for feeling how you feel or needing to make sure you’re not alone with those feelings. We all seek validation in some area of our lives. Most motherfuckers just won’t admit it. You telling me the shit you have going on in your head is validating me, letting me know that this shit is as real as I think it is… as real as I want to it be… as real as I need it to be.”
“Okay.”
“How can I make it better, Mommas? How can I make this feel better?” he asked, touching my chest.
“Can you stay with me? Until it’s time for me to leave for work? I’m not ready for you to go.”
“I can do that.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do for my big, big baby.”
“I’m not a baby.” I tittered, sliding back into my seat. “Can we go now? I’m sure someone has called the police.”
“Fuck them and the police.”
Bowing out of a fight that I knew I wouldn’t win was the best option for me. I sealed my lips and fixed my gaze out of the window as the music began to play and the vehicle began to me. Movement was good. We’d been sitting still for far too long.
I felt Makai’s hand on my thigh, searching for a part of me that had gotten accustomed to his touch. When he discovered my hand, which was childlike in comparison to his, he filled the spaces I created with his fingers. Hand in hand, we continued toward my place where my intentions were to give him a few reasons to think of me while he was away handling business.
Minutes later, Makai was dragging my suitcases into my place. He’d gone shopping for me on our first day in The Catherine, but we’d gone shopping as a group twice more. I’d left with almost nothing and returned with enough to fill one side of my closet. Shoes and bags he’d purchased were being shipped. There wasn’t room for them on the plane or in the two new suitcases.
After dropping my bags off in the kitchen, Makai disappeared into the bathroom I’d shown him. While waiting for him to emerge, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. The amount of alcohol I’d consumed during our trip was alarming. I wanted to flush my system and remove its waste as quickly as possible.
In the midst of retrieving water, I noticed the rotting food I’d left in the fridge that was supposed to be trashed days ago. The impromptu vacation had thrown everything out of whack, but I wasn’t complaining. I began removing the outdated food from the fridge and dumping it in the trash.
WHAP.
The slap on my right cheek startled me. I banged my head on the top of the fridge trying to escape. There was no exit route. Not even when Makai slid my leggings down my legs and entered me from behind.
“Baaaaaaaaby,” I moaned, gripping the edge of the fridge with one hand and the door with the other.
“Don’t baby me, Glacier.”
The sternness represented by his tone raised a hundred red flags. While blessing me with even, deep strokes, he rescued my head from the fridge and transferred me to the counter. Arched back and curled toes, I accepted his massiveness with pride.
He fisted my ponytail, pulling my head backward until his lips touched my cheek. The kiss I was waiting for never happened. Instead, I felt his teeth sinking into my skin.
“Ahhhh. Baby. Ummmm.”
His strokes quickened. The love we’d made in The Catherine was a far cry from the screwing we were into now. I felt conflicted, not sure if I wanted more of this or more of the slow strokes that I’d become addicted to.
“I’m not staying,” Makai grunted, confirming my suspicions.
He wasn’t feeling his best. Something had happened between the time he’d set my bags aside and his return from the bathroom.
“Wh-whyyyy?”
“Because I’m not laying up in a crib another nigga done marked as his territory. You got me fucked up, G.”
I stiffened from both the pending orgasm that slammed against my uterus and the aftershock of Makai’s declaration. Immediately, I recalled the face trimmer on the counter that was once Nelson’s but I’d claimed as my own. When feeling lazy and I didn’t want to spend my day recovering from waxing, I opted for a trim that held me over for another week—sometimes two.
His collection of boxers had become my favorite loungewear. Not because they were Nelson’s, but because they were more comfortable than my panties most nights. A fresh pair hung behind the door each day and I discarded a pair in the dirty clothes. I’d collected them over the four-year span we were together. Tossing them had never crossed my mind, though I’d gotten rid of all the rest of his things.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, taking full responsibility for the heat that was coming from his body. I could feel the steam seeping through his skin.
As sick and confusing as it was, his anger heightened my sensitivity. The orgasm that was knocking at my center began to erupt. Before it reached me, Makai ejected himself from my canal, leaving me deserted and barely able to catch my breath.
“Baby,” I called out to him, watching as he stuffed his pole inside his pants.
Agitation was apparent in every move he made. He reached into his pocket and removed the knot that was inside. When he slammed it onto the counter, I could feel his frustration deep in my core.
“Makai. Can we talk about this?”
He ignored me, continuing with whatever plans he’d set in motion.
“Makai?”
I moved closer. He stepped backward, gutting me in the process.
“Ya phone should be in your mailbox. Wherever that motherfucker is. Is that enough to hold you over for the week?”
“Week?” I gasped, pulling my leggings up to my waist.
“I asked you if you were done crying ’bout that nigga and you told me yes. Ya crib ain’t agreeing with the lie you told. Don’t fucking call me until that nigga out ya life completely. I mean that shit, G. Don’t fucking call me.”
“Makai. Wait. Let’s ta?—”
There was no use. He’d already reached the door and was out of it.
WHAM!
I jumped. Hearing the door slam against the frame left me with so many mixed emotions. I struggled to know if I wanted to cry, run after him, or respect his feelings as he had mine.
Glacier, what have you done? I groaned inwardly.
Paralyzed with grief, I remained in the same spot until my legs began to burn. I gathered my bearings and headed for the shower. In less than two hours, I’d be clocking in. A forty-five-minute nap was high on my priority list before and it had to happen before I walked out of the door.
True to his word, I hadn’t seen or heard from Makai in a week. His absence left me sick to the stomach. Every morning, I got home from work, I crawled in my bed where I stayed until it was time to leave for work again. Depression was settling in and the cure was nowhere to be found.
“Look, you can get your ass up or we can come get yo’ ass up. Either is fine with me,” Kleu threatened. “We’re all having brunch at one and I’ll be damned if you miss it because you miss that aggravating ass nigga. I don’t know what you see in that asshole, anyway.”
“It’s more so what she feels,” Nature said, coming to my defense. “And it’s the same thing you feel for your man. He’s on the same spectrum as Makai.”
“Nobody asked you anything!” Kleu chuckled. “Leave my man out of this.”
“He’s an a-hole to the rest of the world, but he is the sweetest thing to me,” I sighed. “This whole time I’ve been thinking he’d be the one to start this thing off on the wrong foot but it’s me.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, why are you still holding onto your ex’s things?” Aeir questioned.
“They’re gone now. And they’d become my things. The briefs I wore because they’re so comfortable. Not because they’re his. The trimmer I use when I’m too lazy to go to my wax appointment.”
“I understand but you have to see Makai’s point of view. Just imagine if you’d walked into his bathroom to find his ex’s robe that he wears because it’s comfortable or her entire face care kit because he hasn’t bothered buying his own since they split?” Aeir reasoned.
“I knoooow. I feel where he’s coming from, one hundred percent. I just wish he didn’t put me in the doghouse to make his point.”
“Better that than cut you off completely,” Nature spoke.
“That’s true. The good thing about it is, I had my period this week. I guess the punishment had benefits.”
“Exactly, so when the nigga comes back around, you can knock him off his feet without interruptions!” Kleu yelled, dancing in the camera.
“It’s almost twelve,” Aeir reminded us all.”
“I knooooow. Send me the location again. I’ll be there.”
“Good, because I don’t mind a good tussle.”
“Kleu, she said she’s coming,” Nature belted. “Leave the girl alone. Her feelings are hurt.”
“Ummm hmmm. I know. That’s why I want her out of that house.”
The call ended with us all saying our goodbyes, promising to see each other in less than two hours. The nap I’d taken immediately after work made the timing perfect. A good soak in some scolding hot water and a bit of pampering would do the trick and whip me right into shape.
Enthusiasm had been hiding for a full week, but peeped its head out at the realization I’d confirmed plans with the girls. Since the trip, I’d slowly gravitated to their circle and was welcomed with open arms. The betrayal I felt discovering Valencia and Nelson were hooking up in their spare time was replaced with love from the new girl gang that I’d stumbled upon.
During the time that Makai had been avoiding me, they’d been my saving grace. I received daily calls from someone in the circle and managed to get a few laughs from the text thread they’d added me to. Hadn’t they been present, I wasn’t sure how the week would’ve gone.
As I stood and stretched my limbs, a text came through. I rushed down to the bed, again, hopeful that it was the man I’d been waiting for. Unfortunately, it was Kleu.
The address . I recalled asking for it. However, when I opened the message to find a number that I didn’t have stored, I was overjoyed. Multiple heart emoji followed the message that she’d sent.
I just got this from Lawe’s phone. It’s Makai’s personal number. Call your man, sweet cheeks.
Without hesitation, I tapped the number and waited for the line to connect. Ten seconds later, I was still holding the phone to my ear. Another six seconds and the voicemail greeted me. I weighed my options, wondering if I should hang up or leave a message. Choosing the latter, I waited for the beep.
“Hey, Makai. It’s me… Glacier. At your earliest convenience, please give me a call or text at the very least. I miss you immensely.”
I ended the call, refusing to replay the message because I was certain I’d erase it.
If he calls, he calls. If he doesn’t, I won’t sweat it, I coached as I made my way to the bathroom to begin grooming. I won’t sweat it .
A warm bath was first on the list. I soaked for an hour. My fingers and toes were wrinkled and I’d refilled the tub twice by the time I rose with bubbles popping all over me. I warmed the tiniest amount of wax in the small warmer that I used to snatch the hair from the root that grew above my lip.
Because it grew back so often, I never waited for appointments to have it taken care of. If I waited that long, my mustache would be as full as Makai. Though it was an exaggeration, I felt like a cavewoman when the smallest bit of hair began to peep through my skin.
I polished my face with blush, highlighter, mascara, and clear gloss. When I finally opened my door, dressed in a pleated skirt and corset with matching heels, I was feeling so much better. I understood how foolish I sounded declining the invitation earlier on. Because a day out with women of such a high caliber would be the self-care I needed after such a long week.
A box waited for me outside my door. Because I wasn’t expecting a package, it came as a surprise to me. Makai Domino was listed as the recipient, further confusing me. Nevertheless, I brought the box inside. I checked the time on my phone, calculating the time I had to spare. Leaving my home without checking the contents of it wasn’t an option.
Five minutes .
I used the box opener to cut through the tape on the package. The enormous Chanel box left me speechless. I untied the bow and removed the top of the box, finding a classic flap in black. It matched perfectly with my attire. In haste, I removed the contents of my bag and stuffed the medium-sized shoulder bag.
I rushed out of the door less than three minutes later, mentally promising to clean the mess I’d made when I returned. I had the next few nights off, so there was plenty of time to clean. Sliding into my car had me feeling an imbalance. The bag on my arm cost more than two of the cars I was driving.
Makai’s generosity before parting ways paid my bills for the remainder of the three months I had left on my lease. My earnings went straight into my savings. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I checked the banking app to see exactly how much unused money was sitting and determine if I wanted to use a portion of it on a down payment for something more up-to-date.
Because the meeting point wasn’t too far from my home, I arrived within fifteen minutes. Finding a spot to park was difficult, but I managed to catch a couple exiting. Thankful for their departure, I carefully replaced their car with mine.
Perfect timing .
Aeir held the door for Nature to go before her.
“Wait up!” I yelled, grabbing both of their attention.
“Well, aren’t you the cutest?” Aeir extended her arms, welcoming me in for a hug.
“Thank you. You look stunning yourself.”
“Kleu is already waiting. I hope you don’t mind my friend joining us. She’s in town for a few days. She, too, is a nurse, but she travels.”
“Oh, nice. I’d like to hear all about that.”
We reached the table shortly after entering the establishment. Introductions began, everyone embracing each other with the kindest, warmest hugs before we all sat down to stare at the endless menu.
“What are we drinking?” Kleu asked.
“I’m not. Not today, anyway. Sorry.”
“Understood,” she replied. “As for me, though… Baby, I need an entire pitcher to tell y’all how I thought Lawe’s vasectomy failed us. I didn’t see my period until today. Keep in mind, it’s been missing for three weeks.”
“Oh, wo-wow,” I stuttered.
The heaviness that surrounded me felt unreal and sudden.
I shifted in my chair, searching for the only presence that made it possible to feel like I was submerged underwater without oxygen to breathe.
Makai .
Our eyes locked. I watched him obliterate the space between us, not stopping until he was beside me.
Makai.
I tried comprehending the depth of the moment, the depths of him. In shallow territory, I searched for understanding but was met with resistance. Money was placed on the table, but his eyes never left mine.
“Hope you ladies having a good fucking day. G, let me holler at you right quick.”
He nodded toward the back of the restaurant where the restroom signs were posted. My body was out of my seat, trailing behind him, helplessly, before I could protest. When we finally reached the secluded space, closest to the emergency exit, the questions began.
“How’d you know where I was?”
“Your phone is under my plan. Our locations are both shared. The information for the account is in the Notes app.”
Feeling cheated of a full week, I huffed and pushed my back against the wall. Had I known where Makai was this entire time, I would’ve shown up, just like he had today.
“I called you today.”
“So?”
“So? What do you mean, so?”
His response was a swift kick to the abdomen.
“I don’t give a fuck ’bout no call, G. I’m right here, right now. You can tell me what you want.”
“That’s rude, Makai, and mean.”
“So is?—”
I couldn’t bear the thought of him condemning me.
“Okay. Okay. I get it. You’re upset.”
“What you wanted when you called, G?”
“To see you. And can you stop calling me G? My name is Glacier or Mommas or Kiwi or baby.”
“It was, G. I ain’t feeling none of that shit right now.”
“Are you really hitting this low, Makai?”
“I told you the first week, hell is my limit, and the only reason that is is because I ain’t been there yet to find out what’s lower than that.”
“Then why are you here, Makai? To disturb my day? Hmm? Because it could’ve gone perfectly fine without you.”
The darkness in his eyes was replaced with regret. Pain, maybe. I wasn’t sure. The mention of not wanting him to interrupt my day had struck a nerve. He softened, but only for a second.
“If you don’t want to talk to me or communicate with me, then do what you want. But not halfway. Don’t pop up on me. Don’t pull me to the side to talk about nothing. Don’t bait me in just to leave me hanging. Stand on your s-stand on your principles, Makai. I’m respecting your space. Don’t come bothering me until you’re ready to come back to me.”
I stormed in the other direction, ready to pack my things and head home. My apology to the girls would have to come later. I’d made it a few inches away from Makai when his fingers wrapped around my arm, pulling me back.
My body slammed against the wall as I waited for words to fall from his lips. He shot fire at me through his eyes. In no mood to return the energy he was exuding, I stepped forward in an attempt to leave again. Gently, he pushed my back against the wall again.
“I don’t fight, Makai. I never will. I don’t have a toxic bone in my body. I only fill my life with healthy relationships, no matter if it’s friendships or partnerships. I don’t argue. I don’t fuss. That’s not me. If that’s what you’re trying to get from me or expecting at all, then I’m not her. I’m not the woman for you.
“Communication is my only weapon. It’s all I’ll ever use to progress in situations. You’re upset, but you’re not communicating with me. I can’t win here. You can’t win here. So, what’s the point?”
The question was painful to even ask. Tears welled in my eyes as they finally left my lips. His silence was nauseating. I was sick to my stomach as I gathered myself, pressing forward without intentions of returning.
“I don’t like the way I’m feeling.”
His words stopped me in my tracks. I faced him, again, prepared to hear him out.
“I’m a grown-ass man, G, and I’ve never felt any emotion for a woman that wasn’t my mother, aunt, or my brothers’ wives. Family. That’s all I’ve ever given a fuck about. And then, you saunter your fine ass in my line of vision, leaving me feeling so many fucking things at once.
“I’m overwhelmed. I’m overstimulated. I’m all over the fucking place. And that shit I saw in your bathroom made my chest hurt. I felt like somebody was reaching in my shit, trying to pull my heart out that bitch.
“To even think that you still hung up on another nigga got me heated. But it’s you, G. Standing on business ain’t that easy. So, yes, I popped up to make sure you straight, make sure you don’t need shit, and to hear your voice. I’ve had a long fucking week without you but have I gotten over that shit? Nah. You can’t sit here with a straight face and say you’d be over it either.”
“I wouldn’t be.”
“So cut a nigga some slack.”
“I’m trying, Makai, but what else do you want me to do with you here, standing in my face? Act as if my week hasn’t been long without you? I can’t do that because it would be misleading.”
He lowered his head, tilting it as he stared up at me.
“I don’t like having feelings and shit. I don’t understand how niggas do it.”
“Thank you, Makai, for sharing these things with me. For communicating with me. Your fear isn’t in vain and neither does it make you any less of a man. It’s love, Makai. Though we haven’t reached that point, we will. And I need you to know that it’s a gamble. It always will be.”
Standing tall, he straightened his posture. He inhaled deeply and then released the air he’d pulled in.
“I see.” He paused, deep in thought. “I’ma get out of your hair. I’ll see you around, G.”
Though the words were lodged in my throat, I didn’t fight to release them.
What does that even mean for us, Makai? With the question lingering, I watched him turn and walk away.