Chapter 13 Clearly Disturbed
clearly disturbed
Saige
Five in the morning arrived far too early. I got up, showered quickly, said goodbye to Dax and Nolan, and got in the car.
Now, I feel like the goodbyes were too fast. We were running late, but still—it wouldn't have been terrible if we'd missed our flight.
I miss them already. And I'm terrified of spending so much time alone with Elias, especially away from home.
I blink back tears as we make our way through airport security, instinctively finding the molar hanging around my neck and rubbing it between my thumb and first finger.
I guess I have a new nervous habit.
"Are you crying?"
"Why do you care? You like it when I cry, remember?"
"Oh, I remember. Trust me. I'm still thinking about how fucking perfect you were last night, Saige."
I ignore him, watching my bag come through the luggage scanner and then move down the conveyor belt.
Elias reaches over me, grabbing it before his own.
I let him take my hand and lead me toward our gate, but I can't stop myself from nervously scanning the terminal, fearful of being caught with him, even though I know the odds of someone we know seeing us at the airport are extremely slim.
"Why don't you go find a seat, and I'll get us some breakfast?"
"Okay." I reach for the handle of my suitcase, but he pulls it away.
"I've got it, Saige. Don't worry about it."
"Okay, but can you get me—"
"An egg and cheese bagel and an almond milk latte?"
My brow furrows. "Um, yes."
"You know what obsessed means, right, Saige? You don't think I paid attention to what you ordered every time our parents took us here for breakfast?"
"I'll just…go sit down then."
I find an empty table close to the gate, and a few minutes later, Elias returns, carrying his backpack, my suitcase, two coffees, and two sandwiches.
"These are yours," he says, setting one of each in front of me.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome, baby."
I reach for the coffee, but before I bring it to my lips, the words I love you in Sharpie above where the barista wrote Saige on the side of the cup, catch my eye.
I look over the top of the cup at Elias.
"What?" he asks.
"Nothing."
"You need to stop acting so surprised when I'm nice to you, Saige."
"I can't help it; it's unnatural."
I take a sip from the cup, and he shakes his head. "You're so fucking jaded."
"I'm jaded?"
Elias shrugs. "Yeah. I mean, I get that I'm partially responsible, but in my defense, I didn't expect you to take every pessimistic thing that came out of my drunk mouth the night we met and make it into your life manual.
If I'd known that would happen, I would have said better stuff.
Maybe you were always obsessed with me, too. "
I glare at him. "You're joking, right?"
"I don't know. How does your ass feel today, baby? Does it hurt?"
"Yes."
"Is that what's got you so grumpy, sweetheart? You can come sit on my lap if you want; I bet it'd be more comfortable."
He reaches across the table for my hand, and I pull it away.
"You've got to get over that, Saige," he says. "There's nothing wrong with me holding your hand or touching you. There's nothing wrong with letting me be nice to you. Despite what you think, I know how to take care of another person. How long are we going to do this, huh?"
"I don't know," I tell him. "Probably a while."
"Yeah, well, thanks for the heads-up."
I frown before taking a bite of my bagel.
"You look really pretty, though, even though you're pissed."
"You've called me ugly…more times than I can count. You told me you hated my hair once."
"Jesus, Saige. Is it all out of your system yet? Why don't you tell me what reaction you're trying to get from me?"
"I'm not trying to get any kind of reaction—"
"Because I told you what I like," he interrupts. "If you like fighting with me, and you want me to put you in your fucking place or punish you for running your mouth and being ungrateful, I have no issue doing that—trust me. I just need you to be very clear about what you're asking for."
Before I can answer, they call our group to board.
"I guess we should go."
I take another bite of my bagel before tossing the rest, and Elias follows me to the line. Everything about him—his posture, his expression—radiates an anger I'm more than familiar with. While I toy with my tooth necklace, Elias rakes his fingers through his light brown hair, his own nervous tick.
It's getting long and starting to curl at the ends again; I like it when it does that. Maybe I've paid more attention to him over the years than I'd like to admit, too.
Instead of relishing his visible distress, for once, I find myself wanting to diffuse it.
I take my seat beside the window while Elias puts my suitcase in the bin, and then he sits in the middle without saying a word.
I stare at his messy handwriting on the side of my coffee cup.
"Elias?"
"What?"
I push the armrest between us out of the way, and lean against his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"What the fuck did you just say? Did hell just freeze over?"
"I don't know why I do it. I think partly out of habit, because I'm used to being on the defensive with you.
Maybe I'm trying to see if I can scare you off, because I don't understand this version of you, and I don't trust it.
And part of it…might be the thing you said.
But Elias, I like it when you're nice to me.
I'm just still not sure how to be nice to you. "
"Can I manspread all over your seat?"
I smile. "Yes."
He throws his arm around my shoulders, and I wrap mine around his waist.
"You know, I was really looking forward to spending this time with you, Saige. And I never hated your hair—I hated how much I wanted you and how I found every fucking thing you did sexy as hell…including your hair."
"I'm just so worried about them. I can't relax, and I can't think about anything else. It's making me mean."
"You're always mean," he says. "But they're going to be fine. You'll see."
As the plane takes off, I slip my hand under his shirt, letting it rest against his skin. Somehow, as soon as we left the ground, I didn't feel it anymore—the eyes watching me, the shame that we're doing something wrong.
No one in Toronto will know Elias is my stepbrother or that he bullied me for two years. What a relief.
"Did you end up texting your dad?" he asks.
"Yeah. He moved, and his new place isn't far from the hotel, so I'm going to go over there for lunch while you meet the coaches."
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"I don't know. I think I was fifteen. He came back to Vancouver for a funeral."
"Saige…"
"What?" Light green eyes look down at me with pity. "No. Don't do that. Don't dissect me and make whatever's wrong with me about him. It's a nonissue."
"Well, why the hell haven't you seen your dad since you were fifteen, Saige?"
"It just wasn't easy. He's very busy with work, and he lives in a one-bedroom condo, so he doesn't really have space for me, and he'd have to stay in a hotel when he came to Vancouver."
"Why'd he get a one-bedroom condo when he has a kid?"
"You're making me regret sharing this with you. I'll make a mental note not to do it again."
"Why not? You know all kinds of fucked up things about my childhood."
"Mine wasn't fucked up. They're just divorced—a lot of people get divorced. So, to reiterate, my dad didn't fuck me up. You did."
"Whatever you say, Saige. You know, I kind of want to meet the guy now. Maybe you could go later."
"No," I say quickly. "No way. That's not happening."
"You sure? You don't want me to beat him up?"
"No, I don't want you to beat up my dad. Just be normal, Elias."
"That's a big ask." He kisses the top of my head and then runs his fingers through my hair. "You know, I'm really fucking enjoying this."
"Enjoying what?"
"The way you're touching me right now—and letting me touch you."
"It's different than it is at home or on campus."
"I know," he says. "Saige, I wanted you here with me because I really fucking want this, and I want you to come with me."
"I am coming with you."
"No…I mean when I move here."
I sit up. "Elias…what about Dax and Nolan? I can't leave them."
"Look, I'm not saying you could never see them again or anything like that, but Saige…this would fix everything. I mean, no one would know us or anything about our history. No more Miles, no more sex tape, no stepsiblings. We could be a normal couple."
"But Nolan—"
"Nolan and Dax have each other, Saige. It's not like they would be alone."
I shake my head. "It's not like that. You don't get it. I'm not an extra in their relationship. They love me."
Elias places his hand on my cheek. "I know. That's not what I mean, Saige. I just mean…wouldn't it be nice to start over? I know I want to fucking start over."
"I—"
"Just think about it. I just want you to try to enjoy this, and I want you to think about getting a chance to be someone new and what that might look like. Walk the campus if you have time."
He kisses me—for the first time in front of other people—and I have to admit, it feels nice to be able to give into it, to not have that gross, twisted feeling in my gut telling me that it's wrong to want to touch him.
It would be nice to start over, too. The last time obviously didn't go too well, and I don't think I could fuck it up any more than I already have.
But I promised Nolan I would never leave. I love them too much to leave. And if Elias really thought about it, I think he'd realize he can't leave them, either. He loves them too much, too.
"I love you, Saige," he whispers. "I just want you so badly, and I want to make you fucking happy. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't be with you, but I don't think it would be good."
And there it is again—the version of him that scares the shit out of me. "I'll think about it," I tell him. "I'll try to have a good time, too."
He sighs and then pulls me into him. "Thank you."
I lie against his chest for the rest of the flight.